It's Official!!

I got the call from my GP today and the results are in - I am most definitely pregnant and the HCG level of 1,185 - holy moly, I had roughly calculated that it would be around 320 for 13 days post transfer so I was blown away with the results - goes to show you that I really should bother to calculate! So, JourneyMan and I are absolutely thrilled!! All of my other blood results were all good so I am very, very happy - whoo hooo!!

Some news that I had not shared with you as yet is that we didn't get any embryo's in the freezer, something that we are pretty used to as we have never had anything for the freezer - a little bit disappointing but you know, everyone is right, all you need is one!! I am so happy at the moment, I couldn't care! I also wanted to share something else with you. Quite often during the IF journey I had thought 'it's not fair' and was quite resentful of people who seemingly fell pregnant at the drop of a hat (ie on their honeymoon!) but when we were in Hua Hin in Thailand, I thought to myself - this is really not a bad way to conceive a baby! As I thought this, I felt I released a whole lot of resentment and negative feelings. Thailand is such a beautiful, peaceful place - it is hard not to have enjoyed our trip!

So, our next steps are to book in to have a scan, which I think will be around the 13th Jan though I haven't been able to book as yet because they are not back open after the Christmas break until the 4th. My fertility specialist is also not back until the 18th of Jan and the earliest that I can call for an appointment is on the 14th so hopefully I will get in to see him then, I am hoping he will refer me to an OB who has had experience with uterine abnormalities! Now it is all about sitting tight, relaxing and taking care of myself!

Oh yes, I need to tell you about Phantay - now, I realise that when I was away I had posted to Lifeslurper that Teddy and Big Blue Dog have a new buddy called Phantay and that I would tell the story of how we came to find him. When we were in Bangkok, I said to Journeyman that we should buy the baby a stuffed elephant as a pressie from us but then once I had the transfer I was not able to shop so we didn't end up getting it. Would you believe when we walked in to our hotel room in Hua Hin, there was a grey stuffed elephant sitting on the bed that we could buy and the money would go to help feed, clothe and house poor Thai children. Well, as you can imagine we bought that gorgeous elephant as quick as you could say Phantay (which is what we have christened him!).

I am still pretty tired in the afternoons and am having a Nanna nap - it is going to be tough when I go back to work on Monday though lucky I usually can work from home most afternoons and even whole days some days.

The next steps...

I had a lovely day of rest today - just caught up on some DVD's and hung out with JourneyDog, we had a nap in the afternoon - I have been very tired indeed though I think that is mostly due to catching up from the trip home and Christmas. JourneyMan went to visit his best mate for a catch up so JourneyDog and I had fun just hanging out together - it is pretty hot back here in Melbourne so the airconditioner has been working overtime.

In the past 2 days, I have bought (I kid you not!) 5 pregnancy books - and I have pretty much read most of them - I have read the relevant material for this period around 4 times!! I am very excited but of course there are worries that are underneath the surface. Don't get me wrong - I am over the moon and am very positive about the pregnancy but there is of course fear and quite a bit of impatience. I think that this pregnancy is going to teach me some patience, after all, I can't force anything at the moment, I just have to sit back and let it happen.

I have to answer poor Lifeslurper who is in a bit of a frenzy about the blood test (sorry for the vague updates, my friend, I have not been 100% sure of what to do myself - I feel a little in unknown territory - an IVFer without a clinic!!). I am hoping to get an appointment with my GP tomorrow but it is the first day that they are open since Christmas so I may not get in to see my doctor. I am kind of in no-woman's land at the moment because my fertility specialist is not back until 18 January so at the moment I am concentrating on relaxing and making the most of my last week before I start back at work - boooooo!

Symptoms wise, I am still feeling quite lightheaded and tired as I mentioned before. I am getting random off and on pains and my back is pretty sore but other than that, I am feeling very good!

Hopefully some more good news tomorrow!

Dreams coming true!

Well, I took another pregnancy test this morning and the line has gotten darker - whoo hoo, I am SO happy. The funny thing is that I was expecting to feel a little disbelief, that it would take some time for the news to sink in but I wasn't surprised to see that line there - it was more like that I was expecting it. I think it points to an incident when we were still in Thailand. It was in Hua Hin and my back was sore because the bed wasn't as good as the bed in Bangkok but I was a little worried about having a Thai massage because they are quite rigorous (a cross between a massage and a yoga class quite frankly). After awhile, I decided that I would go ahead with the massage but tell them that I am pregnant so they wouldn't go too hard on me. That time felt like the transition to me, when I told them I was pregant, I believed it so I think that is the reason that I wasn't surprised when I got the positive result yesterday.

We went over to my Mum and Dad's place early yesterday morning for pressie corner (I am still very much a child at heart) and I told my Mum straight away and she was so happy, she cried! Later, my Mum told me that Dad had said to her - 'I am so happy that JourneyGirl is pregnant, I said prayers for her and it worked'. I nearly cried myself at that because that was so much more like my old Dad - it was just fantastic. We had a great day yesterday with lunch at my Aunties place (she also cried as did my older sister) and then we went to JourneyMan's Nanna's house to have dinner with all of his family. There was a lot of eating, lots of presents and so much joy - it was a beautiful day!

Unfortunately my brother and his wife and kids were not at our celebrations, he has been in alcohol rehab for the last month and will remain in there for a couple of months more. We are absolutely happy that he is finally getting some help so whilst we missed them all, I would much rather that he spent the time taking care of himself and getting well but I did miss them.

We had dinner at JourneyMan's Nanna's house and we told his Mum that I am pregnant, she was so happy - gosh, it was such a wonderful day yesterday. I have found that I have had to tell quite a few people about the pregnancy despite it being so early because they knew what we were going to Thailand for so we couldn't really keep it a secret. I feel slightly uncomfortable about telling people so early, however I am going to work on the assumption that everything is going to turn out fine so it won't be an issue! We didn't get home until around 9:30pm and because I only had a couple of hours of sleep on the plane and then was in bed late on Christmas eve and up at the crack of dawn to check the test so I was tired, tired, tired!

I had a pretty good sleep last night though my back is still quite sore. It was so lovely to get up and sit on the couch with JourneyDog, gosh I missed his woolliness - we went to see him straight away without going home or unpacking or anything. He is going to have to have a bath tomorrow, he is a bit on the nose, that's for sure! I went to the movies with my bestie today and we had a good catch up chat which was brilliant. I had to have a snooze when I got home this arvo as I was really tired still. In terms of symptons, I have felt fairly lightheaded all day and a bit hungrier than usual though I don't know if it is my imagination (the hunger, I mean - the lightheadedness is definitely real!).

I realised last night that I knew absolutely nothing about pregnancy so I have bought myself a book today and am reading up on what's going on. I am going to book in to see the GP next week and give my fertility specialist a call though I think he is France (or Denmark) for all of January. I will have to book in to see the haematologist as well. I want to make sure that I find an OB who has had experience in uterine abnormalities - so much to do - gosh, I might have to write a list!

On another note, I wanted to give you all huge heartfelt thanks for all of your positive thoughts, support and comments - it has been SO helpful to JourneyMan and I believe that you all had a hand in this positive result because of your thoughts and wishes - THANK YOU!!

The best gift of all!!!

Merry Christmas everyone!! JourneyMan and I are over the moon, I got a positive pregnancy test this morning on a HPT. The line was faint but it was definitely there - I can't get the grin off my face!!

Well, I have to go get ready for our Christmas lunch at my Aunties place - I just wanted to briefly stop by to let you know the good news.

I am SO happy - it is amazing!!

Last night in Thailand tonight!

And I have to say that I am looking forward to going home. Generally at this point on a trip I am devastated to be going home but I am really looking forward to going home this time. I have missed Journey Dog immensly and can't wait to hug on his wooliness but I am also hoping for that positive result. AF has stayed away and the cramps have eased off in the last day though there was an interesting incident to report last night.

I woke up at 3am cos I was hot (and JourneyMan was jumping about in his sleep) and I had trouble getting back to sleep so I read for a while. I turned over in bed and got a really bad dizzy spin (only comparable to in the past drinking too much though this was a lot faster than that) - I felt awful. I grabbed on to JourneyMan - whose response was 'you're not going to fall anywhere' - yes, very helpful, sweetie! He went back to sleep and I read for about another hour and during that time I had around another 4 spells. I think it is good news and further good news - AF still away - yeah!!

So tomorrow we will check out by 12pm but hang around the resort (no doubt by the pool) until 5:30pm when we take the 3 hour car drive (we have a driver!) back to Bangkok. Our flight leaves at 12:15am in the morning and we get back to Melbourne at 1:30pm on Christmas Eve. My sister is picking us up at the airport in Melbourne and taking us straight to see my Mum, Dad and JourneyDog!

Good news, I have pretty much finished the Christmas shopping, just have to pick up a couple of things at the airport duty free and I am home and hosed, whoo hoo!!

The countdown is on people - the test is on the 26th December (or Boxing Day as we say in Australia) - only 4 more sleeps!!

All clear so far!

Okay gang, the great news is that I have survived the day without the AF so I am feeling a bit better. This has been a big thing for me as AF normally is right on the money or early - very, very rarely is she ever late. So, it has been an excellent day. Thank you for all of your comments of support, I really appreciate it! LS - you're right and I am back being positive - a momentary lapse (Teddy & Big Blue Dog have made a new friend - Phantay - see below for story). TIO - yes, absolutely - I feel blessed to have JourneyMan, JourneyDog (I am missing his wooliness like crazy), my fab family and all of you wonderful people out in the blogosphere - I feel very supported!

I have just thought tonight that I had not documented the drug regime that I am on right now - honestly, it has to be seen to be believed! Here goes:

Morning:

Progynova (Oral Oestrogen)

Crinone (Vaginal Progesterone)

Chinese herbs

Duphaston (Oral Progesterone)

Lunch:

Progynova (Oral Oestrogen)

Evening:

Progynova (Oral Oestrogen)
Chinese herbs
Duphaston (Oral Progesterone)

Clexane (blood thinner injection)

Multi Vitamin

Co-enzyme Q10

Calcium

Folic Acid

As you can see, it is a pretty thorough regime. I have alarms on my phone to ensure that I take everything!

In other news, today was a day of swimming - the pool here is amazing, reading (I am finished the Twilight series and am on to a Grisham) and JourneyMan and I are watching the 4th season of Weeds. Tomorrow we are going in to town so I can finally get my Christmas shopping finished!

Beach, Pool, Waiting...

Okay, just a quick post to let you know that I am still here, waiting, waiting, waiting. Though I have to tell you that there are worst places to wait than this - lovely weather, palm trees, gorgeous pool, seaview from room - we are loving ourselves sick here!!

Not much to tell at the moment because I am in a little bit of a worried hole. AF is due tomorrow and I have noticed some distinctly PMS signs - bloated stomach, snappy mood, craving for chocolate. I am in a bit of a worried place at the moment because both cycles when I had transfers were over very quickly when AF came along and ruined the party.

I am trying to relax as much as possible and hope against hope that this is our time but I can't help but have some self doubt. I hope, I hope, I hope.

Movies, Reading, Waiting...

Okay gang - I have wrested back control of the blog from JourneyMan though I am sure that you will agree that he did a fab job while I was being lazy in the hotel room! Well, today has been alot of nothing basically. I didn't sleep very well last night - I went to sleep after midnight (after watching Twilight) and woke up at 6am and couldn't get back to sleep. Of course I am in the constant body scan mode, thinking that every pain is implantation and every symptom could mean the little dot has grabbed on with all their might!

I am feeling very positive and happy. I was initially disappointed by the results that we got but I am also very happy to have been able to have an excellent grade blastocyst transferred back for the very first time - yay! I don't know if I am imagining things or not but I feel a little bit different this time. After the previous transfers that I have had, I felt very early on that they were not going to work but at the moment, every action that I take and every thought that I have is that I am already pregnant.

So, what has been happening today. Well, after my restless sleep we had our breakfast at a lazy 9pm and then did a bit of reading before heading over to see Avatar. It wouldn't have been my pick of movies to see but there was very little else that we hadn't seen and it turned out to be pretty good. We had a nice lunch and then headed back to the room for some more reading (I have now finished Eclipse and am just about to start on Breaking Dawn) and a bit of a disco nap for JourneyMan (he never has any trouble sleeping, ever!). Then we went and saw New Moon and that brings me to where I am now - updating you guys. Can you believe how relaxing our schedule is!?!? My goodness, if we got any more relaxed, we would barely be living!! Though I have to say - it was nice to have a day without appointments, tours or treatments - today was just a whole load of nothing and sometimes that's nice! I liked New Moon a lot better than Twilight which I thought was a bit sucky (pun intended) really though I am firmly in the Jacob camp so that's probably why!

This is our last night in Bangkok and I am really looking forward to heading to Hua Hin tomorrow - I love the beach and it will nice to go swimming (not on the banned list - yeah!!) and even have some different scenery! Honestly, JourneyMan and I were talking yesterday and we feel like we have been here for a month - I guess because so much has happened but also that we haven't done much of anything - if that makes any sense!?!? Gosh, I am rambling now - someone tell me to shut up!

I want to thank you all for your wonderful comments of support, it it a wonderful, wonderful feeling to know that you guys are out there sending your positive thoughts our way, I really appreciate it and certainly some of your comments have been so moving that I have had a tear or two - thanks to all of you. I have not had a chance to catch up on my reading as yet but I promise I will - I am excited to see what everyone has been up to!!

Well that is all from Bangkok at present. Hopefully I will be able to update you all in Hua Hin but surprisingly enough, I don't know where the internet cafes are or really where anything is - I have purposely left it research free so that we could do a bit of exploring now that we don't have appointments to keep. It should be a lovely relaxing 5 nights and then home for Christmas eve - eeeek, still have not finished my Christmas shopping - will hopefully be able to find some lovely presents in Hua Hin.

The Embyo Transfer

Hello once again to all, JourneyMan backing up on blog duty agian tonight.

I am elated to let you all know, that the embryo transfer went well today! JG is resting in our room and has been since 5pm local time.We were picked up today at 1130am and arrived early to the clinic. After some wonderful Thai cuisine for lunch, we saw the doctor for the transfer procedure at 1pm. There was another couple that transferred at the same time. The ward was small and intimate, as it is new it is also sparkling clean and professionally run! We were dropped off after the other couple to our hotel and as it was Bankok traffice it took 1.5 holurs to get home including the drop off of the other couple. We were well looked after as we were driven in a Mercedes Vito van decked out in plush seating and good air conditioning! One of the best ways to travel in Bangkok.

Over to the progress of the organisims. Of the 8, we had one excellent blastocyst embryo (this is the one we transferred). 2 were rated as fair at the blastocyst stage. A little sadly the great ratings that we were initially given on day 3, did not all continue in that vein by the 5th day, however, I keep reminding JG that we have the holy grail so far, let's be pleased with one that we can hopefully turn into a bub! I am looking forward to the hours of comedy JourneyBaby & JourneyDog will provide!
I am wrapped that we have implanted a well developed embryo today, we may well have begun our family! JG is a little saddened that we did not get as many to the excellent stage by day 5, but I hope she is slowly coming around to the idea that as long as this one grows we can come back again. It might be nice to have more ready to freeze right now, but its not the main thing.
JG seems to see it my way, however, as she likes to overachieve Im sure it will dog her mind a little, until at least we have a positive pregnancy on its way.

The nurse reeled off a massive list of do's and dont's. Which include: no shopping (Gaah!), no fast walking or general tensing of the core area. Showers are required and definitely bed rest for the rest of the day. i.e No hot baths or exercise.
After the initial transfer was done JG was told she had to remain laying for at leat 15 minutes, but an hour is preferred. After about 45 mins the nurse came to say it was time to go. JG has happily retired to the room to await the Twillight movie that will be on free to air tonight and is hoping to see the New Moon film tomorrow at the cinema.
JG is feeling very happy & positive, she wants to pass on.
During the procedure, JG was given a pic of the embryo's from the doctor to hold and she was able to watch them remove the embryo from the petrie dish before the nurse handed it to the Doctor to be placed in its new home. Also on hand were her grandnana's rosary beads, some lucky stones and the blessed Saint medal from my momma! We were also sensing the positive vibes all of you are sending, many thanks for your positive thoughts.

JM is preparing for the next step, adieu for this eve.

Until Tomorrow...

Hello to the Journey Gang this is JourneyMan.

I have been given blog update duty as JG is recovering from a rather arduous day out in the Thai countryside today. We were picked up by our tour operator at 7am, took a 130km bus ride (one way) to Kanchanaburi and took in the sights of rafting on the River Kwai, paid respects at the allied war cemetary and whilst riding on the POW built Burma/Thai railway and rode elephants! We returned to Bankok at approx. 6pm having spent the trip sleeping, reading and missing our JourneyDog and in great apprehension that our little bubs was soon to be on board!

Late yesterday we received the information that our egg fertilisation was going well. 5 grade one embryos at day 3 and 3 gade 2 embryos! JG and I were lifted greatly in spirits to read this as our fear was that with 8 out of 18 follicles that we may not have any to freeze, however things worked out there also! The egg transfer is tomorrow, we are being picked up at 12pm to set off to the doctor.

JG has decided, in the spirit of keeping relaxed that one last massage is in order, tomorrow morning, to ensure she is completely ready for the baby growing to occur. We have specified to the doctor to but one embryo back, this is due to the uterus size to ensure growing will go well.

JG is in bed exhausted at the moment, and has been there since our return to the hotel, luckily I was energetic enough to get some food for sustinance.

We thank you all for your continued support & hope that you are all dreaming of our baby on the way!

Peace Out,

JM.

8 is enough - calmer day!

Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone for your kind and calming words! I feel alot better today and have put the 8 embryos into perspective and am very happy!

At the moment I am loose in Thailand on my own. JourneyMan has headed off to a ninja movie (please, as if I was going to see that!!) and I am having a blissful time wandering around the shops without JourneyMan behind me sighing with boredom every few minutes. Don't get me wrong, I am not a big shopper myself but I do like to have some browsing time especially when I have time on my hands as I do on this holiday.

I am determined to find some lovely frocks and shoes before I head off for some foot reflexology and then we meet up for dinner! We went to the weekend market this morning at a place called Chatuchak just outside Bangkok and it is absolutely mammoth but not really my cup of tea for walking around - it was very hot, claustraphobic and millions of people there. You wouldn't be able to walk around the whole place in a day I don't think!!

After that, we have just been reading and dozing before we have gone our separate ways this afternoon. I have been taking some photos and I promise that I will post them over the next couple of days. We are hoping to go to the national park tomorrow and have a ride on the elephants, so that will be fun!!

In a final piece of news, JourneyMan and I stumbled across a documentary on the 'Australia' channel on the cable tv in the hotel last night. It was about a journalist who wanted a child but was not in a relationship with anyone. It was an okay documentary but honestly, I was pretty offended when she described how soulless it was looking for a spe.rm donor via the clinics. In the end she got pregnant by a one night stand. Hmmmm, I was a bit offended I must say.

Anyways, I am off to find me some frocks and shoes!!

8 Embryos....

Okay, it has not been a great day today. I got the call this morning with the fertilisation results and we only have 8 embryos. JourneyMan is quick to point out that this is our best cycle ever but I am left feeling very vulnerable. I mean, what if we don't get any that survive to day 5 - all of a sudden I am feeling very scared, emotional and anxious.

All my people have been saying comforting things (via text message) but I can't help but worry. Up until now, I had felt mainly positive and almost invicible, especially with the results of the EPU. Now I am full of worry and am playing the 'what if' game. We have come along way (and paid alot of money) to get to where we are and whilst I have never been in the position of having 8 embryos before, I thought that we would have more.

I know that I sound really ungrateful - it is just that I am so desperate. I think I am going to have to pull out my St Jude medal that the MIL gave me and sleep with it under my pillow tonight - Patron Saint of Desperate Cases is what I need right now I tell you!!

I irrationally thought that I could leave the fear behind. I also think that the drugs are having an ill effect on me - the noises of Bangkok are getting to me right now - I had to escape to the sanctuary of the hotel room all afternoon, though tomorrow we are off to the weekend market in Bangkok. JourneyMan has never been but I went with my bestie and it is very massive, hot and overwhelming - we will get there early and get out before it gets to hot I think!

18 Eggs!!

Yes, you read right, 18 eggs from our wonderful donor - bless her gorgeous ovaries! We were at the clinic today and were lucky enough to meet our donor (not all of them want to meet their recipients) and she is the most lovely, fabulous woman I have met in my life. She said to me 'I am so happy to be able to help you out' - it brought tears to my eyes. I thanked her 100 times and hugged her quite a few as well (not a great thing to do in Thailand as the Thai people are generally very reserved) but she didn't seem to mind. Happily, we are also getting a print out of her medical history to keep and we exchanged email addresses so that we can keep in touch in the future.

JourneyMan gave his sample without a hitch and my lining is at 8mm which the doctor said was good, I also have no fibroids or polyps which he was very happy about - so all in all a good day! We will have the fertilisation results tomorrow.

For the rest of the day, we spent it by the pool and then another massage - oh yes, it's a hard life! I will give some more information about Thailand in my next couple of posts - it is a beautiful place with the most lovely, happy people!

The ART of relaxation..

It hasn't escaped me that the one thing that pisses me off mightily is that some fertile friends have said to me ad nauseum 'it will happen when you relax' and one of the things that I am hopeful about on this cycle is that the fact that I have almost a month off work and a week in relaxed Thailand will give me the positive result that we have been dreaming of!!

Well, we are here and it is absolutely divine! We got in at 5:30am Bangkok time and a rep from the clinic picked us up from the airport. Unfortunately we had to wait for a couple of hours before our room was ready and that was excrutiating and how - I was pretty exhausted though the flight was absolutely fine though a little turbulant.

We finally got in to the room (which is fabulous!) and had a clean up and a nap before heading out to explore, have lunch and have our first Thai massage. I tell you, we are living the high life here, it is wonderful!!

Tomorrow is our donor's egg collection and JourneyMan's retrieval - I am very excited - will let you know how it went tomorrow!

We're on our way!

Okay gang, we are at the airport standing in the queue to be checked in, whoo hoo, we are finally on our way!

It has been an absolutely full on day and now I am so tired, I can't wait to get on the plane to get me some ZZZZ's! The day started off at 5am when I got up and put the finishing touches on the packing and cleaning before heading off to work.

Work was a complete disaster today. I had worked on getting this particular task done for the past 2 weeks and thought that when I presented it to the relevant team that they would be completely joyful at what I was able to do for them - unfortunately, they changed their minds AGAIN and I had to do a review of some data before I finished today. It was very disappointing, though I am very happy now to be having almost a month off before I go back. I have finally started to relax after a pretty stressful day and I am really looking forward to a nap on the plane!

We have now completed check in, have gone through customs and security and are waiting at the gate. The lesson of the airport, I believe is patience! There is a lot of standing around, then sitting around and then waiting around. My mum cooked us dinner tonight (a roast - yum!!) and then dropped us off at the airport.

It is kind of a surreal moment but even as I sit an type, I am relaxing more and more and imagining myself being pregnant very soon - I am SO excited!!

We have follicles!!!

A calm has descended over me. Only one more sleep, only one more day of work, one dinner at my Mum and Dad's house, a kiss and a hug of JourneyDog and we are off!!

I got an email from the clinic this morning, our donor had her first scan yesterday. She has 20 follicles and her hormones are rising nicely!! Wow, this is like the follicle holy grail. Honestly, I feel vindicated, relieved and not a little bit jealous. I hadn't admitted it to myself but I was seriously worried that the cycle was going to be cancelled because she didn't respond to the drugs or didn't have enough follicles. I feel like I need to have a little discussion with my own ovaries to tell them that this is what I was hoping for from them, not some shuddering growth of a rogue follicle or two. I have to admit that I am a bit disappointed with my own bodies shortcomings egg especially in comparison to my gorgeous donor's but what can you do, that's life, right!

The good, positive thougthts far outweigh the bad though and the relief from the craziness that had swamped me over the past few days has been profound. I am back to excited optimism now and that is sitting well with me! I am looking forward to the trip now with great hope and excitement now. I am even looking forward to getting up at 5am for work tomorrow and all of my back to back meetings because it will be the last day for almost a month, whoo hoo! I do have to slip out in the morning to get the lap band adjusted.

Whilst we have officially entered summer in Melbourne and we have had some very hot weather already, today has been very cold and rainy so I am looking forward to the sun and heat of Thailand (it is going to be 34 degrees celsius, 92 degrees fahrenheit over the week) - I am looking forward to some relaxing by the pool - whoo hoo!

A note from JourneyMan:

It is on! Wow, since we had the baby's room set up and I saw the cradle in corner I have been moving rapidly towards expecting a baby. As JG had mentioned, I was blown away to see the cradle in the room. From there, I could see the baby sitting in the cradle and I was imagining carefully lifting her while supporting her head and back. I am looking forward to cuddling a little one soon and in short things have been brought sharply into focus for me. With all the failed attempts, I had felt a distance to the actual reality of success. Also, now that our donor has got 20 follicles, I have also realised we should soon have a bub on the way!

And back to JourneyGirl:

This song to our JourneyBaby has been going through my head all day - so corny I know but well, that's me, I am pretty corny!!

So kiss me and smile for me

Tell me that you'll wait for me

Hold on like you'll never let me go

Cos I'm leaving on a jet plane

Come with me when I come back again

Oh babe, I can't wait for you!

A frantic note to Lifeslurper:

Teddy and the Big Blue Dog have been spotted at Melbourne Airport - find them here (you've got to view this post people, it is precious)!!!

(JourneyMan and I absolutely LOVED this post - thank you, thank you, thank you!!).

Thank you for all of your good wishes, everyone - I really appreciate it!!

Check the ticker - 1 day to go!! This time tomorrow, we will be at the airport.

Are we there yet?

Okay – there is definitely something called ridiculously organized. Since yesterday, I have already packed the case, checked and doubled checked the documents (we have 4 sets, one in my bag, one in JourneyMan’s, one in the case and one will stay with my Mum), I have packed my carry-on bag including an armful of trashy magazines that Best Friend J gave me tonight, bless her cotton socks! I even have a little pile of clothes that are my ‘aeroplane clothes’ all ready for me to slip into before we go. My spreadsheet is just about empty – there are only items that can be done at the last minute on there.

There is also something called ridiculously emotional. I am anxious, I am crying, I am yelling, I am happy, I am excited, I am tired, I am confident that this will be our BFP, I am doubtful that it will work, I am nervous, I am snapping at people at work, I am writing mean emails, deleting them, writing them again, deleting it again and then finally writing an acceptable version – I am over it!! Seriously, Best Friend J commented tonight that it was lucky it was only two more sleeps otherwise someone (most likely Journeyman) might lose their life!!

Funnily enough, I thought that this would be an easier cycle because I wasn’t on all of the injectibles – unfortunately because I am having the clexane injections every day, it feels like a normal IVF cycle. I got an email from the clinic today marked ‘urgent’ – seriously, my heart stopped. I mean within the time that I was able to get the email open, I thought ‘oh my god, the donor has no follicles, what if the cycle is cancelled? Thankfully, it was the admin assistant asking for some personal details – goodness, couldn’t she have titled the email ‘Urgent Request for Information’ – I mean, bloody hell, am I not emotional enough?

Avoid Melbourne if you can, people – there is one crazy chick in town – thankfully she blows out of here in 2 more days – whoo hooo!!!

I'm very flattered!

The lovely Chelle has given me an award and I am very, very flattered - thank you Chelle!

Here are the rules to the award:

1. 
   
   
   
   Tell your readers how your journey into blogging began. Be as verbose or shy as you like.




2. 
   
   
   
   3-5 fellows whom you adore and write exactly what you value about that person or blog. The more that you write about them, the better. This is a chance to really appreciate your blog friends who have been there for you through thick and thin.




3. 
   
   
   
   Let the blessed winners know they have been awarded.

So, without further ado, here firstly is my story about how I got into blogging. I started a blog about having lap band surgery for the business that my friend and I have set up and I found it a wonderful way to express myself. I started this particular blog after our 5th IVF cycle was unsuccessful and we decided to go to Thailand to try a donor egg cycle there. I had searched far and wide to see if I could find a blogger in my particular situation, going to another country to access a donor but I couldn't find anyone, especially for Thailand so I thought to myself, 'okay, I will start my own!'. I purposely kept this blog anonymous as I wanted to be able to express all of my emotions without censoring myself. Only my husband, my best mate J and Lifeslurper know my try identity (she was very encouraging!!).

Here are my nominations:

1. Lifeslurper and Teddy Lifeslurper - my number 1 blogging inspiration, sounding board and blogging yoda (she reminds me to sign up for ICLW, let me know about Stirrup Queens and let me know about CycleSista) - what would I do without this wonderful friend I met on an Australian IVF forum. Her posts are poignant, brutally honest and funny, I love her to bits and whilst they have parted ways, Teddy Lifeslurper never fails to bring a smile to my face - you haven't lived until you have had a view of his (and don't forget the big blue dog!) antics.

2. Chelle from Once an Infertile - and not because you created this award but because you are an inspiration to me. When I first started doing ICLW, I wouldn't look at any blogs of IF women who were already successful, not because I was resentful, just because I felt I had more in common with the women who were trying. You have given me the courage to open my mind and heart to more who are on different stages of the journey and I am absolutely grateful for it (plus, this way you can nominate 5 more and I might find some more grouse blogs to follow myself - yes, of course it is all about me :))

3. TireeGal from Happy Go Lucky - who found me during and ICLW I believe and is a fellow donor egg cycle gal. I visited her blog after she had commented here and I liked the title of her blog 'Happy Go Lucky' it was so aspirational and I was intrigued that someone could be that way going through the IF journey - she has been a wonderful comfort over the past months. She is in the TWW at the moment with a test on 11 December - I am hoping that this will be a BFP for you my friend!

4. Jill at All Aboard the Pity Boat - I felt instant kinship with Jill when I found her - despite the fact that we live on opposite ends of the earth! She is an amazing woman. She is doing a running challenge at the moment, is crocheting (!!) and has the most gorgeous blue heeler you've ever seen in your life.

5. Miss Tori at The Winding Road to Parenthood - she has been a wonderful comfort to me over the past few months and is always quick with a kind word and a lovely piece of advice. She is preparing for her Lap Band surgery on 17 December (the same day as our transfer) and I hope that everything goes very well!!

Well that is it for the awards - once again, thank you Chelle!

On other matters, I spoke too soon about the 'no side effects with the drugs'. I have hit an emotional roller coaster. I went to the market with my Mum this morning as per usual and we were talking about my Dad. It is pretty hard at the moment because he is deteriorating so rapidly with the hydrocephallus and demtetia. He is disappearing in front of our eyes and I try to be available to my mum so that she can talk about it - the poor thing is having a very rough time as Dad is getting nastier, more agressive and paranoid by the day - she is pretty ground down by it all. Unfortunately this morning in the car, I just started sobbing and couldn't stop - I felt bad because I didn't want to heap any more worry on to her. I seem to be crying at the drop of a hat lately and whilst it is not surprising with everything going on, I am a bit exhausted by it all.

Mum and I ended up having a laugh about it and she was really good so I felt a bit better but honestly, my emotions are going crazy! I was going to clean the house an pack this afternoon but ended up sleeping for the majority of it - that's fine, I can do the cleaning and packing tomorrow.

I wanted to post some pics of Journey Dog who is Woolly. The first one shows him with before his clipping last week and the second one is today (post shorn like a sheep) - here they are:

Wow, only four more sleeps to go!

Whinging and babbling....

5 days people - gosh, wasn't it 5 yesterday and the day before too? It feels like it has been five days to go for a week! Time is really playing funny buggers with me at the moment. It doesn't help that I am packing each day with millions of things. Here is something that I would never have thought I would say - the house is looking a little bit rough around the edges, I am looking forward to cleaning it to have something to do - gaaaaahhhhh, who is this person who has taken over my body?!!?!

So today I had to work a half day and I had a lot to do, thankfully I got it all done. Unfortunately after that, JourneyMan and I had a massive argument - I am still reeling from it a bit though it is all sorted out now. I sometimes think that we are going well, really understanding each other and taking care of each other and then on days like today, I wonder if we are ever going to understand anything about each other. In mid fight, we had to go and have lunch with JourneyMan's mum - I felt sorry for her, we certainly weren't great company for her today. She gave me the blessed St Jude medal which was really lovely.

After that, I had to get out of the house so I gathered up my mym and we went to Ikea (to pick up JourneyMan and mines Christmas present from her and my dad - a dining table and chairs - whoo hoo!!). I also did some more Christmas shopping - I am going very well, I am definitely saving the rest for Thailand - I will need something to do for those 8 days and well, we are next to a seven storey shopping centre :)

Only 3 more days of work, thankfully! Wednesday is going to be a cracker though, I have meetings pretty much back to back the whole day. Oh well, hopefully I will sleep on the plane!

Now, I wanted to tell you about a very fabulous friend that I have. She is my best friend and we have been friends since she walked into my grade 2 class. We have known each other for more than 30 years (holy cow!) and have travelled the world together and are now running a business together. Interestingly enough, she has never particularly wanted children but of all of my friends and family, she is the most understanding and supportive. She is one special person. She has never said 'just relax' or 'it will happen when it's meant to'. For the most part she doesn't really offer any advice, she just listens with no judgement. For awhile, she thought that she may be able to come to Thailand for a week - gosh I would have loved that but her job has conspired against her - hopefully another time!

She has another good friend that is going through IVF at the moment (the poor girl had a negative on her first cycle). I am feeling very sorry for my mate J - she is copping it from all sides at the moment with me and her other mate. This is a shout out to you J - thanks for all of your support and love - you are the best!

Well, that is all that is all the news for this Friday. I am watching a docco on Everest, which also reminds me of J cos we travelled to Nepal - I blame her for that because it was her ambition to climb to Everest Base camp - most of the way we kept on saying each other - 'we could be lying by a pool in Bali but nooooo we had to do something adventurous'. Needless to say, our next trip was to a tropical destination with much lying next to the pool!

Organised - who, me?

I have been cracking up at all of your comments!! You guys are awesome and very amusing!

The irony is that I was so 'organised' today that I forgot about my acupuncture appointment. Luckily, my acupuncturist is only 5mins away so when she called me I hauled my behind around there quick smart! The only excuse that I have is that JourneyMan and I bought Super Mario Bros for the Nintendo Wii and were engrossed in a game when the reminder went off on my phone! Der, not as organised as I thought, hey!

On the other hand, I have continued my research today into surrogacy so that I will have a back up plan. I am telling you, that baby's room is going to be used. Today has been pretty busy with work, lots of stuff to do and early meetings with the US, so I have been up since 5am this morning and am pretty weary now.

So some replies to the lovely comments that you gals have made:

Circus Princess - thanks for dropping by, hope will feel better soon! Good point on the spa's and sauna's - yes, JourneyMan will be banned until after the 11th!

Chelle - if you haven't guessed, I had the wrong date in the countdown thingo - gosh, who ever said I was organised!! It is now correct though you will always be a bit closer than me while I am sleeping!

Miss T - I have left you a little list and some tips on your blog :) - thanks, that helped me get some of my list-i-ness out! I am so excited for you and hope your surgery goes well!

T-Gal - gee, you have set me a tough challenge!! I will learn some Thai over the next 6 days! I already know a few things, hello, goodbye, thank you etc from our last couple of trips - here are a few words for today:

• che chan cheu Jodie kaa (my name is Jodie)
• ra ka thao rai (how much is this? - for shopping :))
• Sa-mee (husband)
• de tar rok (baby)

I am working on it, I am not gifted with languages - I will try my best!

Also, here is a run down of the times (using our flight out of Melbourne as a base!):

Melbourne: 10 December 00:20

Bangkok: 9 December 20:20

Los Angeles: 9 December 05:20

New York: 9 December 08:00

London: 9 December 13:00

I hope that helps!!

Suraita - next trip, I will be lobbing in at your place - don't worry, I will organise the hell out of you!

Lifeslurper - be careful of what you wish for, my friend, I will be gettin on the freeway and getting your bum into gear! Seriously, when I get back, we will definitely need to catch up!

I am happy to say though that this time next week, we will be sitting pretty in our hotel in Thailand!

This post was supposed to be about a good friend of my and how amazing she is - I will get on to that subject tomorrow!

Is there such a thing as too organised?

If there is, I am it. I am not bragging and I also don't think it is a good thing. In my great wisdom, I have organised JourneyMan and I to within an inch of our lives and I find that now we are a week away from leaving (this time in a week we will be at the airport!), I don't have anything to do! Since Sunday, time has been absolutely crawling along. I am getting frustrated, now I just want to get there already!!

I thought I was going to be really busy at work at this time because of the project and whilst there is still a bit to do, it is all under control.

Honestly, I don't think that I can be any more organised than I am right now - here are just some of the things that I have done in the past couple of days:

• I have researched what spa's we will go to when we are in Thailand
• I have converted the prices for all of the spa treatments into AUD and printed it out as a reference for JourneyMan and I to look at
• I have looked up the times that the yoga classes are on at the gym at our hotel
• I have looked at what movies are going to be on the plane
• I have looked at what movies will be on at the multiplex next to where we are staying
• I have researched where we can go for an elephant ride not too far from Bangkok (JourneyMan wants to ride the elephants)
• I have purchased all of our books for Thailand (I am going to be reading the new Marian Keys - 'The Brightest Star in the Sky', I love her, she is a funny writer, plus all four of the Twilight books - JourneyMan is reading the latest Matthew Riley and the new Dan Brown)
• I have google mapped the directions from the hotel to the clinic (despite the fact that they pick us up each time we need to go there)

Also, another thing that is annoying me is that JourneyMan has had his last day of work today before we go and I am annoyed that I still have 5 working days to go - what the!?!?

Does anyone what anything organised, I tell you, I am a list maker without a to do list, this does not bode well people!!

Thanks to Chelle & T-Gal for your lovely comments and hell yes I will be blogging in Thailand - I already know where the internet cafe is!!

In response to the comment from Anonymous. The clinic that I am going to is:

http://www.ivfmiraclebaby.com/

And no, I am not Asian and the reason that we are going to Thailand is that it is illegal to pay donors in Australia. I don't care whether the baby looks like me and I honestly don't care what people think - basically because this is our best chance of me being able to carry a child.

Well that's it for me tonight - this time next week, people!!

I'm Ready....

Holy cow, it is only 9 days until we go to Thailand!! I am feeling that it is a little surreal at the moment, kind of in a holding pattern because everything is pretty much organized. The house is also feeling really like a home, more than it has in the 3 years that we have lived here. Most of the house has been spring cleaned and everything has a place that it lives and I have now put up pictures and photo’s and prints. I have gotten some cushions for the couch and just really organized everything. Every time I walk through the door I smile and it has really become a nice haven.

We do have a big problem with our courtyard, it is a total jungle out there but thankfully JourneyMan finishes work this Wednesday so he has a week to do a bit of work out there to whip it into shape. Basically it is just some weeding and stuff, hopefully I will be pregnant next year and won’t have to divert all our money for another cycle so we can spend a little bit of money getting a deck for the back yard and a new kitchen – then the house will be perfecto!

I think that the overriding feeling that I do have is that I am ready now. The house is almost ready, JourneyMan and I are at a good place in our relationship, we are both going well in our jobs, we are ready. It’s time for our baby to come now. Now, I have thought that before but I do feel it right to my heart right now.

It has been a really good weekend. I had my Mum and sister and two of her boys over on Friday for lunch. My sister brought around a gorgeous cot and a big bag of baby clothes that we could have. When she first told me that she could bring all the stuff around (after I let her know that we had gotten the room ready for the baby), I freaked out a bit. I wasn’t sure that it was a good idea to have all of the stuff in the house, I mean what if the cycle in Thailand is negative. Over time though, I have decided that regardless of how, we are going to have a baby so the room will be beautiful.

So when she brought over the cot and the clothes, I was quite excited and happy to put them in the room. I showed JourneyMan when he got home from work and then it was his turn to freak out a bit. He has recovered over the weekend and we even went to the shops today and got some stickers to decorate the room. The room now cannot be mistaken for anything else but a baby’s room – it makes me smile every time I go in there.

I have even posted some photo’s for you all!

Hope you like them. It is really countdown time now! In other news, I am continuing with the Progynova (estradiol) 3 times a day and there haven't been too many side affects apart from wicked bloating and a number of headaches. I have also started the Clexane (blood thinner) injections - have been doing them since we left for Perth and forgot to tell you. You know, they are definitely not as bad as I remembered - I guess one of the perks of doing IVF is how used to injections that I have gotten!

Anyway, that is all the news for right now. We are off into our last full week before we head off, I am SOOOO excited!!

Why do I want to be a mother?

I have been thinking about being a Mum lately. JourneyMan asked me very early on in our relationship why I wanted to be a mother. I stumbled over it at the time because how can you define something that you feel is your basic right? Over the years, I have come back to the question again and again. I don't really know if I have a better answer than it is something that I want in every fibre of my being.

I have always wanted to have a family of my own. There are a million reasons why and there are none. I guess one of the reasons that I stumbled to answer the question previously was that some part of me used to believe that it was for selfish reasons. So I would have the love of a child for the rest of my life, so that I would be surrounded by family, so that I would leave a legacy in the world. None of those reasons really mean that much to me though. Over the time of IF, I have become clearer.

One of the main things that I have realised is that I have an eternal well of love within me that I want to share with a child. Believe it or not, my JourneyDog that is Woolly is the one that has made me realise that. Unfortunately, he also bears the brunt of being treated like a baby at times (I have been known to blurt on his tummy - his response is to play bite my nose, he is unimpressed). It has been a good lesson in responsibility as well as consistency in discipline - he is a great teacher.

I also fear it as well, I mean - I don't want to be a bad parent. I am sure that many parents who are over protective or smothering or harsh on their child also have good intentions. After all, how do I know I will be a good mother?

I read an article whilst we were in Perth. It was talking about the global financial crisis and how more and more people are having to now wait for things instead of being able to buy them straight away. The article was talking about how making yourself wait for things can be more satisfying. I know that it is not the same thing (as we have been forced to wait rather than making the choice ourselves) but I did draw some comfort from the psychologist saying that after waiting for something that we really want, you feel a good deal more appreciation for the item than you would have if you were able to get it immediately.

I know I will appreciate this child when she (yes, I believe she is a she!!) comes along. I know that the waiting will have inceased that appreciation a thousand fold. I know that I will savour the moments more than I may have if motherhood had of come easier than it has. I know that my relationship with JourneyMan has deepened over the time of our wrestling with IF. It may have done so anyway but for me, I am blown away by the wonderful man that I am married to - his capacity for love, laughter and comfort - I am one lucky woman.

I think that our little holiday to Perth crystallised to me that there are positives that I have gained from the IF journey. The ability to cherish my relationship, the absolute appreciation when I finally hold that baby in my arms, that I believe in my own strength and resilience. I wish that it didn't have to be this way because it has been hard but I have to say, I am liking more and more what I see in the mirror and feel in my heart and that cannot be understimated.

So, why do I want to be a mother? I still can't tell you - it is in every corner of my being. Will I be a good mother - well, let's hope that I will find out soon.

We're Back and things are heating up!!

Hello ICLW's - sorry but this is not a welcome post though you can find a bit more info about me here.

Well we got back from Perth at 4am this morning and I am a little weary I can tell you! We had a wonderful trip though the much lauded Perth beach weather deserted us and it was a pretty chilly. We only got to swim once and that was yesterday. The rest of the time the wind was absolutely bitter!

We left on Wednesday afternoon on a very hot day in Melbourne and arrived in Perth after a 4 and a half hour flight (and 3 hour time change) tired but excited. It was very cold when we got off the plane and we realised that we didn't really bring clothes that were appropriate for the cooler weather - doh! On Thursday, JourneyMan and I spent most of the day catching up on sleep and reading which was nice and then went to JourneyMan's cousin's house for his birthday BBQ. Thankfully, JourneyCousin lent me a warm jumper for the rest of the trip. It was a fun night getting to know some new people!

On Friday, JourneyMan and I spent the day touring around Perth - we went to Fremantle which is an old colonial area of Perth where the docks are - it was really nice there. On Friday night, JourneyMan's brother and his girlfriend also flew in from Melbourne so there was plenty of company for the trip. JourneyMan went out on Friday night with his cousin and brother and a host of other people - I stayed in the room for some rest, I am not a huge party animal at the best of times but as you know, I am trying to be as relaxed as possible in the lead up to the cycle.

On Saturday, we finally ventured to the beach but it was still too cold so we quickly hot footed it out of there and had a nice lunch before going to the party on Saturday night. It was a fab night - alot of fun though not too late, thankfully! Yesterday we did some more exploring of the city and then had lunch at JourneyMan's aunt's house before we dropped JourneyMan's brother and girlfriend off at the airport. We had a few hours to kill to our flight so we decided to see a movie before checking in to our flight. We learnt some valuable lessons last night. Firstly, make sure that the movie does not go for an obsene amount of time before deciding to see it. We saw 2012 and had to leave the movie early or we would have missed checking in to our flight. Secondly, it is probably not a good idea to see an action movie, leave at the climax and only leave yourself barely enough time to check in before the flight closes. We ran out of the movie before it finished, had to fill up the rental car with petrol before putting it back and had to read the drop off instructions for the rental car en route. We got to the flight check in 5 minutes before they closed the flight and we felt like we were in our own action movie!! It took us awhile to relax after that experience I tell you!

Now it is 16 days until we go to Thailand - wow, things are really starting to move fast now! Of course, my contrary period decided to come early (yesterday) and so when I let the clinic know, they have made some changes to the cycle. I have started to take the progynova today and then egg pick up for the donor will now be on the 12th of December and the transfer will be on the 17th. It is getting really exciting. I have to say that I spent alot of time thinking about the cycle in Perth, I am very, very hopeful.

Now, I am a bit nervous about what has happened at work while I have been away but we will see what happens when I get in there tomorrow!

Go West!

Greetings from a town called Mania! I have been up since 5:30am this morning and it is now 11pm. We are headed off to Perth tomorrow so I have been madly trying to get all of my work done as well as organising all of those last minute things. We have had a few issues this week - firstly, JourneyDog has been sick so I had to rush him up to the vet yesterday afternoon so everything I was going to do last night was pushed so I could hug and comfort his woolly self. Would you believe he had a bruised pen!s!! Goodness me, who would have thought! He is much better today thank goodness and will be packed off tomorrow to his Nanna's place!

JourneyMan and I had a big argument the other night (I was going to say barney but am pretty sure that is Aussie slang so didn't know whether my US friends would understand - anyway, barney = argument). It was over something really petty but I was really disturbed and only got about 2 hours sleep on Sunday night so have been exhausted ever since. We don't argue that much but this has left me feeling quite upset. We are getting back to ourselves again now but I have to admit, I can't help but get worried when something like that happens. I need to release and let go.

I had a pretty ordinary day at work, the project has been pushed back to the day before we go to Thailand - what the!?!? That was something that I didn't need, though I have serious doubts that we will be able to go live - I think it may get pushed to January. I have a lot, lot to do tomorrow so will be up at 5am to get everything done.

The other thing that happened was that work didn't pay me and JourneyMan's company changed his pay day to 5 days later than normal - this has thrown the budget out a bit but I my work confirmed today that they will make my payment tomorrow - phew! The other thing that has happened is that I have paid the deposit for the cycle today - we are officially ON people and did you notice, it is only 3 weeks to go today. This time in 3 weeks we will be at Melbourne airport checking in to our flight - yahoo - can't wait!

On the positive side of things, I have pretty much nearly finished my to do list for the month - huzzah and am all packed and ready for JourneyMan to pick me up from work tomorrow at 2:30pm - whooo hoo!

Okay - I am exhausted, gotta go! Catch you after Perth!

P.S. - TireeGal - our transfer is the 18th so we are a couple of weeks behind you!!

A big clean-up and lots more inane rambling!

Thanks for all of the comments, everyone – you are so supportive and have been very thought provoking for me. I really appreciate all of the time that you have taken to make a comment – you guys are fabulous! Welcome to Maxandzuzu and thank you for your wonderful comment. Chelle, I understand where you are coming from and to a certain extent I agree but I feel a little ‘once bitten, twice shy’ in terms of my friends. I know that they mean well and for the most part they are extremely supportive however, they sometimes make comments without thinking that it will hurt - like laughing at all of the things that have gone wrong – that hurt. If I didn’t have Thailand coming up, I would have forced myself to go out to lunch with my friends as well as breakfast with JourneyMan’s family because I normally believe in facing my fears and trying to get over things. However, with Thailand coming up – I am putting myself first, I want to reduce the possibility of getting upset so whilst I know that all of these people love me and want to support me, unfortunately sometimes people say things that they don’t realize hurt and I don’t want to hear about that at the moment.

My Mum made a comment to me this week that I might need to get help from someone especially if it doesn’t go our way in Thailand. I don’t have any problem seeing counselors or anything like that but I did take a little offense at her comments to me the other day because the implication was that I am not handling the situation very well. I know that she really struggles with what to say to help out at all and after I cooled off (and vented about it to Journeyman), I had a chat to her about it and explained to her how her comment made me feel – she was very understanding and it was good to have it sorted out.

Last week was a busy one with me working 5 days – eeek!! There is still stacks to do on this mammoth project going live but I am only working 3 days this week because JourneyMan and I are off for a little trip to the West Coast of Australia – Perth for JourneyMan’s cousin’s 30th birthday. I am really looking forward to this little sojourn to the Western beaches! I haven’t actually been to Perth (apart from a 4 hour stop off on the way to Africa) so I am really excited to have a look around and have some relaxing fun! Only 3 days of work to go - yeah!!

This weekend has been a hectic one with Saturday off to the market with my Mum as usual. We then went to my older sisters’ boys school fair in which we were both roped in to doing an hour on one of the stands (I took tickets for the pony rides and Mum served tea!). Then we went to see my Dad who is still in the rehab place and who wasn’t in very good spirits that’s for sure! On Saturday night, we had dinner and were in bed by 9:30pm – we are party animals! Today has been all go! JourneyMan had the breakfast around with his family and then we went over to my Mum and Dad’s place to make sure that JourneyDog can’t make an escape from their backyard when they are taking care of him when we are in Perth and then Thailand. I have wrapped Christmas presents today as well as packed all of our toiletries for Perth (which will remain packed for Thailand – whoo hoo) – I am feeling pretty organized.

The rest of the day today we had a mammoth clean up and I am happy and proud to tell you that JourneyBaby’s room has been completely cleaned out and is ready for her / him to grace us with their presence. In there I have a big bear that my Nanny (Dad’s mum) left me and a couple of bears that JourneyMan took when were cleaning up my Nanna’s place after she died (he was very naughty and I told my mum and she was fine about it). My birthday is on 6 August, my Mum’s birthday is on the 7th of August and Mum’s Mum (Nanna) birthday was also on the 7th. We had 3 generations within a day of each other. Plus my grandfather was the 3rd of August, my sister is the 19th (her husband is the 22nd) and the Aunt that I am very close to is the 24th – we are a family of Leo’s!! I am taking it as a good sign that if all goes well in Thailand, this baby will be due (37 weeks – which is considered full term in Australia) on the 10th of August. I hope, hope, hope!!

JourneyMan’s Mum has had a medal of St Jude blessed for us to take. St Jude is the patron saint of desperate cases (sometimes called lost causes but I am not going to think that!). According to my sources, St Jude is usually invoked in desperate situations because he stresses that the faithful should persevere in the environment of harsh, difficult circumstances, just as their forefathers had done. I thought that was really nice of her and though I don’t think we are a ‘lost cause’ I would most assuredly agree that this is a desperate case – I will definitely be wearing that when we head off to Thailand – 23 days to go, people – things are getting exciting!!

There could be swearing....

Okay, I got over the fact that JourneyMan's sister is pregnant, I had a whinge, I had a cry, I railed and then got back to business of being excited about Thailand. I was knocked a little when JourneyMan's family invited us over for breakfast on the weekend because I felt pretty guilty saying that I couldn't go.

Today, I found out that my friend is pregnant with her second - this is the friend who got married 4 weeks after JourneyMan and I. I was supposed to be having lunch with her on Friday (along with my other friend who has just had her second and another friend whose baby has just turned one), it was the last straw, I have decided not to go, even though I was the one who organised it - what the hell was I thinking?

I am genuinely happy for them all, god knows I wouldn't wish this hell on my worst enemy but seriously people, I am trying to reduce my stress levels not raise them. I feel terribly guilty for not going, I have been a horrible, horrible friend (and SIL for that matter) over the past couple of years. I am trying to stay positive but everytime I hear of another pregnancy, I can't help but think 'what is it going to be like if we get a negative in December?'. Will I never see my friends again? Will I ever be able to be around woman who are pregnant or who have kids? Will I ever be a normal person again?

I have my sister and a friend coming over for dinner tomorrow night, she has secondary infertility and whilst I am hoping that she will tell me that she's pregnant tomorrow night cos she has had a pretty rough time of it (3 miscarriages and has been trying for her second for the last 3 years) - I don't know whether it will turn me into an agorophobic.

I am so totally and utterly over this crap I can't even think straight.

I think I am going to have to start back at Bikram yoga tomorrow - maybe I will sweat out some resentment and clear myself of this negativity.

Over and out.

Whirlwind weekend!

Gosh, I can't believe it is Sunday night already - where did my weekend go? It was a pretty busy one actually. Friday, I did some organising in the house while I waited for a call from the fridge delivery people. Good news, I have moved the office out of the baby room and into the open plan kitchen, living, dining room. It actually looks better than I thought and because I organised all the papers last weekend, it is pretty organised and tidy! After I found out that the fridge could not be delivered until Saturday, my Mum and I headed to IKEA to look at a TV storage unit that I liked.

We had some lunch first and consequently after we had looked at everything that we needed to, I realised that I might be late for my acupuncture appointment so we really had to rush. Just as we were going out of the shop, Mum discovered a display version of the unit that I wanted for $100 less (plus it was already put together - perfect!). I didn't have time to buy it and organise delivery though so I had to haul arse to the acupuncturist. Needless to say she said I was more stressed than last week - booo. After the acupuncturist, I had an Optometrist appointment because I have run out of contact lenses. In the evening, JourneyMan, my Mum and I went back to IKEA to get the unit. Happily, they could deliver on Saturday. So it was arranged, JourneyMan would wait for the TV unit in the morning and I would wait for the fridge in the afternoon.

I went to the market as usual in the morning and lost my purse - gosh, the horror, I was so worried because of course it's got all the cards and info that I need to take with me to Thailand. I searched everywhere and when I couldn't find it, I reported to the office but couldn't do anymore so went to brunch. After about half an hour I got a call that a security guard had found it and it had everything still in it - even all the money, I was really lucky!!

Today, JourneyMan and I went to buy a flat screen TV for our new unit, which is being delivered tomorrow afternoon. I am happy to report the fridge is fabulous! So I have a pretty yummy menu planned for the week. We are having the salmon, spinach and fetta frittata we were supposed to have last week, a salmon with creamy lemon & parmesan sauce (it's a low fat version), lamb backstrap marinated in garlic and rosemary, beef and vegie soup for lunches and an anchovy, goats cheese and rocket (arugula for our US friends) rissotto - should be a good week!!

I worked most of the day with my bestie on doing the work that we need to so that we can have a break over the next 6 weeks and thankfully that is all done now which is one less stress! After I the TV comes tomorrow, I can spend this week clearing most of the rest of the books and everything out of the baby's room - which is really exciting though still a long way to go!!

One tough thing has happened over the weekend. JourneyMan's Mum called him to invite us to breakfast with his sister and fiancee next week. I have asked JourneyMan if it's okay if I don't go basically because I am really trying to stay as stress free as possible - I just don't think I can take a day of talking about about how she's feeling and how their preparations are going. Thankfully, JourneyMan is the most supportive husband in the world and is very understanding. Kisses to you my gorgeous man!!

Castor oil packs, to do lists and projects - oh my!

Well people, it is hectic here in Chez JourneyWorld. The project that I am working on has now officially been delayed another two weeks – eek, getting very close to the Thailand trip I tell you!! In answer to Lifeslurper’s question about whether this is my job job or my own business. It is my job job that is supposed to be maximum 3 days per week but for the past 3 months has been pretty much 4 days and sometime (the horror!) 5 days!! The project is a massive one, upgrading 12 interlocking websites (some that are hosted in Aus, some in the US) – I am going website crazy. My own business project has hit a bit of a slump but I am having a working party on Sunday with my business partner (also my bestie) to pull a few things into line and to keep things running on their own over the Perth trip, Thailand trip, Christmas and New Year period. 2010 is when we are going to take the world by storm!!

Jill has asked about the castor oil pack and since I am going through my whole regime in detail, this is the next logical place. I can’t really remember where I came across this natural therapy first but there is some good information at the following site: http://natural-fertility-info.com/castor-oil-therapy. I didn’t buy the pack, I just got all of the ingredients from the chemist and made up my own pack. Edgar Cayce, who is also known as ‘the father of the holistic health movement’ was a huge proponent of the castor oil pack and in his readings contain more than 570 uses for the packs. Apparently it has uses in many different conditions as diverse as arthritis, liver and intestinal conditions and even skin tumors and breast cancer. Now – I know are you going to ask if I found a medical study that linked improved fertility with the use of the castor oil pack. In answer, no – I did not.

I did, however, find some studies that confirmed what the active agents in castor oil are. Basically the modern medical studies stated that the castor oil was able to be absorbed easily to the lower parts of the skin and that it’s main properties were as an anti-inflammatory. The heat used in the packs also aids in the increase of blood flow to the affected area. Years ago, I also read a book called ‘Clear Body, Clear Mind’ by Leon Chaitow that had a trunk pack in it similar to the castor oil pack that was used for support for detoxification of the liver and kidneys. This pack seemed quite similar so I thought I would give it a go. The following link is probably the best one that I found for directions and information about it uses with fertility: http://www.natural-health-for-fertility.com/castor-oil-therapy.html

In other news, I have pretty much completed our packing checklist for Thailand (even though he is still at work right now, I can hear JourneyMan groaning from here) and yes, it is in a spreadsheet. When we got married, every part of the wedding was spreadsheeted – I loves me a spreadsheet!! I have even cross referenced the list against 4 travel websites that had checklists on them to make sure that I had thought of everything (why 4? Well by the time I got to the 4th one, there was nothing more to add to my list!!).

What else is happening? Well, the stinking fridge people have not called so I am despairing about receiving the fridge this week – damn it all to hell. I also cut myself a fringe (that’s ‘bangs’ to our US friends) during the week, people have been raving about how good it looks. JourneyMan said I looked adorable, which wasn’t the look that I was going for. Truth be told, I read an article in a magazine (I dearly love trashy magazines) that celebrities were wearing a fringe instead of getting botox. I thought that sounded good (get thee behind thee gullible one!!) and plus I had seem a pic of myself when I had a fringe and thought I looked good, so that’s why I did it. I do need another colour though to cover up those greys!!

Tomorrow, my Mum and I are off to IKEA to buy a few things that will help to organize JourneyBaby’s room (no pics yet, I’m afraid, Lifeslurper – definitely once it’s finished though!!). I have got a very hectic day planned tomorrow – clean house, gym, IKEA, optometrist appointment, acupuncture appointment, more organizing of Journey Baby’s room and go and see my Dad in the rehab hospital. No rest for the wicked, my friends!!