The Transfer and 1DPT

The transfer itself went well, the lead up to it was a little rocky.  I woke up at 3am and 4am and someone in the hotel was smoking (despite it being a non smoking hotel) and it was coming through the vents to our room.  I was ropable and so first thing in the morning, we asked to move rooms because I just didn't want to stay in a room (especially on 2 days of bed rest) that was filled with smoke.  Before we requested this though, I had a call with JourneyMan's mum and JBB - it is sooooo nice to see him, I just miss my boys so much.

Changing rooms caused a bit of a debacle because initially they put us into a terrible room with a rollaway bed that looked out onto silo's - what!?!?!  I was very upset at this point and said 'I am going to the hospital, I need this organised and I don't need the stress'.  They said that they would organise it before we got back at about 4pm so we went off for our massage treatments, got packed up so they could move us and then met our car that we had booked for the day.

Until I got in the car I was a little bit stressed, then I had to let it all go.  The bestie was a mega champ in this respect - talking me down and making sure that I was relaxed before we got to the clinic.  Once we got there, we had time to grab some lunch and decompress.  Once I got up to the clinic, I was super relaxed.  I was completely prepared with my phone and headphones with my fertility mp3's on it and I had my book to read while I waited.

It all went off without a hitch and the two embies were some seriously good looking ones!!  I felt great and when we got back to the new room, it was good and had a lovely view of the pool.  So the rest of the night consisted of a phone call to JourneyMan, some texting to my people to update them, room service and some dvd's.

I got to sleep well last night but I woke at about 1:30am to wee and then I woke again at 5am and couldn't get back to sleep so I did some reading and texting to JourneyMan.  Unfortunately though, JBB has been sick - we think just with teeth coming but I can't help worrying - it physically hurts me to not be there to comfort him to make him feel better. 

I also was very down this morning, for the first time I really contemplated this cycle failing and it really upset me.  Once again JourneyMan and the Bestie came to the rescue - JourneyMan with some lovely text words and the Bestie with some good distraction techniques.

I had some reasonable face time with JBB and JourneyMan this afternoon and then it has just been movies and then some DVD's.  I am still worried and I think it is going to be a tough 2WW (which one isn't) - I just want this so desperately to work!!

Monks and Tigers and Elephants (oh my!)

We got out of Bangkok yesterday for a day tour in the Kanchanaburi province.  The day started out very early when the guide picked us up at the hotel at 4:30am.  Of course, I am also having Crin.one every day so I had to set the alarm for 3:45am so that I could do that and whilst I was lying down for the requisite half and hour afterwards, I called my boys to check in with them.  Thank goodness for technology honestly, I would be a lot sadder if I couldn't see and talk to my boys every day.

The drive out of Bangkok wasn't too bad - there was hardly any traffic and nothing was open at 4:30am!!  I really don't like driving (or being driven) in Thailand - the traffic is a scary anything goes type of situation and they like to drive fast.  We stopped to get a coffee (no decaf so I had to have a hot chocolate) and then got to the Bridge on the River Kwai at around 7am.  We had a quick look around there and our guide told us about much of the horrible history of the Burma railway where thousands of allied soldiers died construction the railway line from Burma into Thailand.

We then got to the Tiger Temple.  This temple for Buddhist monks was built in 1994 as a forest monastery.  The villagers gave the first orphan tiger to the temple in 1997 and over the years, the temple has become a breeding place for the tigers.  JourneyMan and I first visited the temple on our honeymoon, we went in the afternoon when the tigers were very sleepy in the heat of the day.  The fact that they are very docile in the afternoon has led people to believe that the tigers are drugged, after our experience yesterday, I definitely don't think that this is the case!

When we first arrived at the temple, we gave food to the monks.  We all had to line up and place the offerings in the bowls of the monks as they went by.  As a sign of respect, we had to dress appropriately (shoulders and knees covered) and take our shoes off.  We also had to make sure that we didn't touch the monks or the bowl that they were holding.  As they came past, we had to use two hands to put the offering in the bowl and then bow to the monk as they went past.  When we were given all of these instructions (by an Aussie guy no less!), my bestie and I looked at each other and said 'what the?', we were stressed that we wouldn't remember everything and offend the monks.  Once the process started though, it was okay but there were some stressful moments in there!

After we had given all of our food, we then went up to the temple where we able to feed some tiger cubs!  My gosh, this was so amazing but once again we got a good talking to that these are not domesticated cats, they are wild animals and that even the babies can do damage if they get a hold of you.  So, once again, it was an amazing experience but there was also quite a bit of fear there.  There were around 10 cubs being fed (we gave them bottled sweet milk) and they would put their paws onto our knees while they scarfed down their bottles.  Once they had all had their fill, we sat down and the monks gave a blessing, to the food and to everyone there.

Once the blessing was finished, we all sat down to have breakfast together.  Our guide was wonderful through this whole experience, helping us out with the tigers (there were many wranglers there as well), explaining the blessing as it was being said, taking pictures of us with the tigers and then getting our food for us (wonderful Thai dishes, delicious!!).  He also gave us many of the fruits to try, longan, longon, rambutan and mangosteens - the mangosteens especially were amazingly delicious!!

After breakfast, we took a tiger for a walk (yes, I know!!!) to go and have a wash and then (if you can believe it) we helped wash the tigers and fed them some chicken.  I always knew that we were going to feed the tiger some chicken and it was something that I thought 'no way, too scary' but they were amazingly gentle - JourneyDog who is Woolly is way chompier than these tigers were!!  Then we went into the tiger play area and were given big poles with play toys on the end of them and the tigers came in to play with us.  There was one wrangler per person in this area but still, the terror doing this was overwhelming.  My bestie and I lasted probably 5-10mins and then moved to a more remote area to watch - it was just so scary.

People then had pictures with the big tiger but my bestie and I sat that one out.  It had been such a full on morning, it was hard to believe that this had all happened before 10:30am!!  Once the pics were done, we took it in turns to walk with the big tiger to the canyon where we saw the big tigers at play in the water.  It was amazing to watch these big cats - such an overwhelming, exciting, scary, once in a lifetime experience!!

After we left the tiger temple, we had an early lunch at a beautiful outdoor Thai restaurant.  We sampled many Thai favourites - chicken in coconut, pork with hot basil and chilli (my favourite Thai dish) and chicken and cashews.  It was absolutely yummy and one of my favourite things of Thailand, sitting in a lush outdoor setting eating fragrant, delicious food!

We then went on to the elephant farm where the amazing experiences continued for the day.  We met the most beautiful, fun loving elephant called 'Full Moon' and we rode on her (bareback) in the water.  She sprayed us with her trunk and then took great delight in bucking us off into the water.  We got back on a few times and then she would buck us off again - of course there was a handler doing all of this as well but honestly, she was the most charming creature, we had a ball!  We had a water fight with her - she won!! She also picked us up (singly) with her trunk and allowed us to hug her. Her hide was leathery and bristly but so huggable - it was really the highlight of the day but once again, it wasn't without fear attached to it.  Sitting up on top of Full Moon, I couldn't help but think 'I am here for a cycle, I am a mother, I can't be hurt'!!

After getting changed into some dry clothes, we headed out to a section of the Burma railway that was built by hand, it was absolutely amazing - I can't believe that these poor POW's had to do this.  There was also a cave that the Japanese used as a hospital in the war and there was a Buddhist altar in there.  We asked our guide how we pray and then did what he said.  In the past, I have always asked for help for things in my life - usually around cycles for the past 5 years.  This trip, whenever I have prayed, I have just said thanks for the blessings that I already have - I do truly feel very lucky.  My mindset is so different this cycle.

Then we were finally on the road back to Bangkok.  This is always my least favourite part of the trip because we are on the scary roads, and I just want to get back because I am exhausted!  The drive was made that much more hairy when it started to rain quite heavily.  We had two things happen on the way back, my bestie needed to go to the toilet so badly and we got stuck in a traffic jam and she nearly had an accident in the car before we were able to stop for the toilet.  The other thing that happened was that to pass the time, we started looking through the photos that the guide had taken of us through the day.  Pretty soon, we realised that most of the photos showed us grinning, rictus like as if to say 'I'm having fun but am terrified of being eaten', we also realised that we are really two of the most non-photogenic people going around.  Then it got silly - we started laughing at the photos and couldn't stop - we were howling laughter and had tears pouring down our faces.  The worst photo was one of us at the Burma railway in what looks like a very downmarket clothing catalogue pose - everything about the photo was wrong and we couldn't look at it without tears of mirth running down our faces.  The poor tour guide did not know what the hell was going on and still, we couldn't stop laughing.  

Once we got back to the hotel, I had a chat with JourneyMan (JBB was in bed, sadly) and then we went and had a massage.  Life is pretty good here waiting for the transfer!!!

My bags are packed, I’m ready to go…..

I am all at once very excited and nervous and worried.  Excited at the prospect of having a holiday in Thailand and hopefully having a successful cycle and bringing another baby into our lives.  Nervous that this all will be for nought and once again, the cycle will be a bust and worried about leaving JBB because I know that he will miss me a lot and I am not sure that he understands what is going on.

JBB was very clingy this morning.  I have been telling him for a while that I am going away and that we will talk every day on the computer and that after 10 days I will be coming back.  I am not sure how much he understands but I hope that he is not too upset when I am not there.  We have tried to keep things as much as possible the same as when I am home though JourneyMan is leaving work earlier every day so that he can spend more time with him to help to reassure him.  We are going to Sk.ype every day and I hope that will help him out.  

So much of my time spent as a mother is being torn.  I try to make the best decisions that I can but sometimes the consequences are both good and bad at the same time.  I will enjoy my time in Thailand, it will be fun having my bestie there – just like old times but I do feel a bit sick in my stomach at the thought that I might be hurting JBB.  I know that in the long run (if the cycle is successful), he will benefit greatly from my time away as he will have a sibling for life but it is still hard when I won’t be there to tuck him in and comfort him when he is hurting etc.

There is a part of me that feels guilty about having fun while I am away but then I want to be as happy and calm as possible for the cycle.  At the end of the day though, mostly what I am trying to focus on is that I am doing the best for our family in the long run.  I need to relax, stay positive and feel in top condition for the transfer and hopefully, I will be able to give JBB the best gift of all.

Check the ticker people – only hours to go…..

Cycle Analysis….

So, I got worse and worse and finally went back to the doctor and they said that I had the flu and pharyngitis.  Everything was looking pretty bleak on Monday, it was not a great day.  It was pretty unbearable, I was almost unable to swallow my own spit and the pain from my throat was agonising.  I had been on anti-biotics for 5 days and nothing had changed, in fact I had gotten worse.  I had Monday off from work and asked my (new) boss if I could work from home for the rest of the week which he was agreeable to so after some serious resting on Monday, things slightly improved on Tuesday and hugely improved on Wednesday!

In the dark days of Monday, I wondered if the cycle was compromised.  It is not a nice place to be but I just had to keep telling myself, I am going on this trip, I am going to get myself well and I am going to give these beautiful embryos the best chance in life possible.  The rollercoaster is in full force, I keep thinking that I am ready and all is going well and then *bam* something will happen and I think that it is all going to hell.  I think the hardest thing to keep on a cycle is your equilibrium.  That is hard for me at the best of times but add in hormones, stress and leaving the men in my life for 10 days and it is super tough.

Now that I am on the mend, I am back to being enthusiastic and excited about the trip.  There is still the fear that this cycle will be a failure but at the end of the day, whatever will be, will be.  I am trying to focus on the positives about this trip (having a trip with my best mate, getting treatments, sleeping, shopping, relaxing, getting pregnant of course!!

In my true nerdy style, I have analysed all 3 previous cycles to see what the differences are to this cycle.  Here is my analysis:

JBB Oct-11 Dec-11 Aug-12 Days on BCP: 23 16 21 53 Days on Progynova: 24 17 18 25 Transfer cycle day: 25 18 19 26 Embryo Quality: 1 x 4BB 1 x 4AB 1 x 3BC 1 x 2AA 1 x 4BB  1 x 2BB

So the biggest thing that I see here is that with JBB, I had 24 days of Progynova and of course we know that ended up being a successful cycle.  The Oct and Dec cycles had significantly less days of Progynova to develop the lining (-7 and -6 respectively), so hopefully the big positive of this cycle is that I have almost the same number of days of Progynova as I did with JBB.  The other aspect, of course, is the quality of the embryo’s.  We had excellent quality for both JBB and for Oct-11 but Dec-11 weren’t as good but this time we have one embryo that is the same quality as JBB as well as an extra one.  At the end of the day, we all know that there is no way to tell what cycle will be successful and which won’t be but I feel relieved that this coming cycle is much closer to mirroring (in lining prep and embryo quality) our successful cycle with JBB.  There is no guarantees that it will work but I feel like we have a great chance.  Added to this is the fact that I have lost a good deal of weight from the Oct & Dec-11 cycles and although I have not reached the same weight that I was at for JBB, I think I made really good improvements.

It is three weeks to go.  My focus is to keep my body strong and nourished.  Relax as much as possible and minimise the roller coaster.  Until Sunday, I am focussing on getting as much sleep and ensuring that I am as completely recovered as possible.

4 Weeks to Go - Minutiae

It has been a pretty good week, though I still have swollen glands and a barking cough – I have been to the doctor and she has given me some anti biotics so hopefully that will knock it on the head soon.  Other than that, I am still feeling very ready for the cycle and getting really excited now.  We have an embryo that is the exact quality that JBB was so I am hoping that this

Most of the week, my bestie and I have been consumed with the minutiae of the trip.  We constantly discuss the trip down to the smallest detail and the thing that is making me the most happy is that we have been examining any stressors on the trip and eliminating them one by one.  For example, we have booked a car and driver for us to use on the day of the transfer.  It really is not that far from the hotel but for both transfers last year, I have gotten on the train going the wrong way and have had to get off at the next stop and rush back.  Once I go in for the transfer, my bestie will then take the car and driver and go and shop to her hearts content!!  Another item that has been organised is JBB.  JBB goes to bed at 7pm and as JourneyMan is taking us to the airport we will need to leave at around 7:30pm.  We have been looking for someone to come over to our place and sit in the house while JBB is snoozing there but my Mum wasn’t able to because she can’t really leave my Dad for that long now and JourneyMan’s Mum is working on that night.  I realised that my Mum is minding JBB on the Friday while JourneyMan was at work so asked if JBB could have a sleepover that night, which she of course said yes to – bless her!!  It means that we can get JBB tucked in with Nanna and then head off to the airport.  Gosh, I am going to miss him sooooooo much when I’m away.  We are planning to Skype every day so hopefully it will keep us all happy.

The funny thing about discussing the minutiae of the trip with my bestie is that JourneyMan is very unlike me in this respect.  I told him what we had been discussing and he said he preferred to be in the ‘macronutia’ and that if he was coming the only thing he would be concerned about is plane-hotel-clinic-hotel-plane home.  This I know for sure!!  He has tried to make fun of me saying things like ‘oh, I think that you should have a decaf coffee before you go in for the transfer’ at this place or that place and the funny thing is, we’ve already talked about those things.  I like the planning of a holiday, it serves to make the holiday way more fun in my mind!!

 There was also a day spent discussing JBB’s birthday party.  We are having his 2^nd birthday party at our new house and it is also for my sister (who’s birthday is on the same day as JBB), my sister’s husband and my Aunt.  It is family only (a apart from my bestie who is my family!!) which means that there are around 30 people coming.  I had pretty much done all the menu and a few people were helping out with some dishes but I have found a wholesale party food place who will provide a pack of food and 50 balloons and deliver to us on the morning of the party – sooooo happy!!  One thing that I do want to do for JBB (and also his sister or brother when they come along) is to make them a special birthday cake every year.  Last year because we had the big combined (with my 40^th) birthday party, I made and decorated 90 cupcakes and arranged them into the shape of a big number 1.  This year I am making a train cake which I am sure he is going to totally love!!  I have to admit, I have gone a bit over the top with his birthday presents, I just keep on seeing things that he would love and buying them – he is so spoilt!!

So, the trip is very organised.  Our finances are very healthy and I have also submitted my quarterly tax on time – yayers!!  Once we hit August, it will be all go – there is a lot to organise and do.  I am very excited now and I am still feeling very ready to be pregnant again and to hold a little baby in my arms again.

Ready.....

Now that I have mostly shaken off the illness of the past week or so, I have come to face the undeniable fact that I am now ready.  Ready to go to Thailand, ready for another cycle, ready for another baby.  I have not been this ready since we went to Thailand the first time to have JBB.  

I feel good in my body (I have lost almost 20kg’s / 42lbs), despite not doing any running this past week – I can easily run 5km, so I feel very fit and strong.  My body is now ready for another pregnancy.  I have decided to stop the running from now on because it is really taxing me – I am wanting the next 38 days to be all about, replenishing, nourishing and nurturing my body so that I am 100% ready to go for the transfer.  That doesn’t mean that I am stopping exercise, I am not – I still plan on walking an hour a day, at least 5-6 times per week.  I do need to get back to doing my yoga – that makes me feel very stretched and strong as well.  I will be doing that 5-6 times per week also.

We are now ready in our living situation as well.  We are in a house that has plenty of space for all of us as well as ample to bring another person into our family.  JBB and JourneyDog absolutely love the space to run around in and we have a new bedroom all ready and waiting for a little baby to come and join us!  We haven’t completely set the baby’s room up yet, we just haven’t had a chance to.  I don’t mind though, that space is all there ready for our new little one to arrive.  Previously, we were in a 2 bedroom unit with a small living area and a courtyard, now we are in a 3 bedroom house with a nice living area and a good sized backyard.  We are also in a very family friendly neighbourhood rather than on a main road where we were before..  I know that we would have been able to bring a baby into that unit and it would have been okay but I would much rather have the extra space and the baby to have a room all of their own rather than share.

I am now ready in my mind.  I now feel extremely confident that I can handle a new baby coming into our lives.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t think that there will be times when I am tearing my hair out from exhaustion and frustration – no, I understand that 2 children means double the work, it’s just that I know in my heart that I can handle it now (there were definitely doubts before).  In hindsight, I wasn’t ready in October last year and I still wasn’t in December.  I feel, I was more trying to work to a timeline rather than readying myself for another pregnancy and baby.  I really wanted it all to be ‘over with’ rather than concentrating on accepting another miracle into our lives and building our lives into the kind of family life that we will all enjoy.

I also mainly wanted a sibling for JBB and whilst this has not changed, I also want another baby for myself and JourneyMan.  Previously, I had believed that if I hadn’t wanted a sibling for JBB so badly, I would have moved past IVF altogether and gotten on with our lives.  That’s not true now.  I want to have another baby to relish their differences from JBB, to be pregnant again (and hopefully not worry as much this time), to have a newborn and see them changing every day.  Once my sister had her baby, my heart started to yearn again for a baby in the house.

I don’t necessarily think that this ‘readiness’ is the difference between success and failure of the cycle – who knows why any cycle is a success or a failure?  However, I do feel much better in myself about my own preparedness.  I haven’t been 100% on my plan to do all of my complimentary therapies but I feel that I have done enough.  Enough that if it is negative that I am not going to beat up on myself and blame myself for it.  It will just not be the right time.  Don’t get me wrong, if it is negative, I will be upset and will grieve very much (certainly because it is our last ditch effort for a full blood sibling for JBB) but I am not going to fillet myself with thoughts and words.  I have spent the past 8 months between cycles very well.  I have worked on myself, physically, mentally and emotionally.  We have also changed our living situation considerably, we are all happier.

So, I am ready – what am I going to do with these last 38 days?!??!?!  

Oh yes, packing, cleaning, organising JBB’s 2^nd Birthday, cooking some food for JourneyMan and JBB to have while I am away – oh yeah, still lots to do!!

Trust

I am slightly panicked at the moment.  As you know, I started the pill and clexane a couple of weeks ago so I feel like the cycle has started but then of course, I have been having breakthrough bleeding for the past week, along with pretty bad cramps..  It is not even just a little bit of spotting, it is actually a lot (sorry TMI).  I don’t think that it matters in terms of the cycle, I mean, the thinner the lining when I start the Progynova the better, right.  It is just an inkling that my body is not responding as it should be to the drugs.

I am always trying to be positive about my body but years of hatred of it has left some very bad habits.  I need to trust myself and trust my body that it knows what to do.  The weird thing is that it’s not as if I haven’t been pregnant before.  This is a bit of a revelation because after the last two failed cycles, I seem to have transported myself back in time to when I had never been pregnant, never seen those two lines on the test, not carried a baby full term.  It is weird that something that was so profound and meaningful in my life has been relegated to almost feeling like a dream, I mean how is that even possible?  I seem to be so desperate to find the bad in myself that I have forgotten that my body was there for me at the best time in my life. 

I got pregnant and it was a pretty uneventful pregnancy.  I was looked after well by my OB but the main thing is that my body did everything that it was supposed to do.  So how has all of that goodness been wiped away by a couple of failed cycles?  In many ways, I was so worried in the pregnancy that I didn’t even relate that JBB was in my body and when he was born, it was like I had never even carried him.  In my mind, I had even believed that my main contribution to JBB’s existence was the fact that I found the clinic.  How can this happen – I really just think that after a lifetime of blaming my body for the ills of my life that I went back to what I know.  I think that this is very sad but now that I am aware of it, I can make some steps to change.

Last night, JBB was pretty cranky so I had Thomas the Tank Engine on the TV and he was snuggled up to me and it was at that point I tapped in to how utterly grateful that I was able to carry him, to grow him from an embryo and to take care of him from the day he was transferred.  I think that this is a big breakthrough – I feel so much better about myself and way more confident that I can once again get pregnant and carry another child full term.  

Only seven and a half weeks until I fly to Thailand, I am ready to trust my body again, I am ready..

Just over 9 Weeks to Go!!

So, I am starting to get excited, there is only just over 9 weeks to go until I am off, once again, to Thailand.  I am definitely looking forward to it a lot more this time (than in December) because I will have my bestie there with me so it will be also a holiday as well as a cycle.

I am throwing everything I can at this cycle – and as per all of the other cycles that I have documented what I am doing, here I go again for cycle 9:

1. Still losing weight & exercising – I am booked in to do a 5km run on the 15^th of July.  Originally I wanted to do a 5km and a 10km but my knee has been a bit dodgy so I am erring on the side of caution.  My sister in law is doing the run with me – yay
2. Daily hot lemon – first thing in the morning as a stimulant for the liver and a detoxing agent
3. Daily internal bentonite clay – I know, this one is a bit out there but it is also for reducing toxicity in the body from the inside out – I feel like it works really well because it reduces headaches for me
4. Daily Supplement regime:  Magnesium, fish oil, pregnancy mulit, vitamin c, CoQ10, glucosamine, Vitex and a few more that I can’t remember right now
5. 2-3 Litres of water daily – to flush out my system
6. Skin brushing daily (yes, finally found the proper brush in the move – yay!!)
7. Twice daily Chinese herbs from my acupuncturist
8. Acupuncture once a week
9. Aromatherapy oils burning in the house when home (German chamomile, geranium, rose otto, lavender)
10. Indoor plants in the living areas of the house and air purifier in the bedroom for the breathing the best quality air
11. Yoga nightly (now that I have a nice warm room away from the hustle and bustle of the house, it is much easier!)
12. Epsom salt baths every second day
13. Castor Oil pack every second day
14. Body work (via some CD’s from ‘The Fertile Heart’) as well as some imaging work.
15. Visualisations / hypnosis and subliminals nightly

I am hoping that this all works and that this is the cycle for me.  One thing that I do know is that we have one embryo left that is exactly the same quality as JBB was so hopefully it is as tenacious as our little JBB and dig right in.

Melbourne is cold at the moment, very cold and I can’t wait for the heat and humidity of Thailand.  The warmth is very attractive!!

The official start of Cycle 9

So, I have kind of officially started cycle 9 – I am counting all fresh (7) and frozen (2) cycles in together for the sake of it and honestly, even a FET when you are going to Thailand for it feels pretty damn full on.  So, how do you ‘kind of’ start a cycle?  Well, my period was 10 days late so after an email discussion with the Thai doctor and a phone discussion with the Melbourne doctor, I started the BCP last week.  This, of course, means that I have also started the daily Clexane injections - joy. 

This is for much longer than the last few cycles and I am okay with it – after all, whatever it takes, right?

So, how do I feel now that this cycle has kind of already started?  I feel pretty good within myself.  I am doing everything in my power to lose weight and get my body right for the cycle.  I certainly feel very fit and my body definitely feels a lot stronger and fitter than I was for either of the last two failed cycles.

My mind is another matter though let me tell you that 90% of the time, I am upbeat, positive and excited about going to Thailand for the next cycle.  There is always a bit of an internal feeling of dread though.  For the most part, I am mostly focussing on the holiday aspect of going to Thailand and I am really looking forward to going in August and with my Bestie, it definitely feels more like a holiday break this time than a cycle (which was also the same as the cycle that we went and had JBB out of it!!).  

But sometimes when I turn really quickly, I can see the worm of dread coming up behind me, more like a basilisk of dread if the truth be told.  It is the fear of course.  The fear of the cycle not working again.  Of failure.  Of having to front up again and having my heart broken.  To tell all the people that are hoping along with me that it failed again, seeing the pity in their eyes.  Having to pick myself up again and get in for another go around.  Of ruining, what I hope will be a wonderful holiday with my Bestie with a failed cycle so that instead of saying ‘remember that grouse holiday that we took’ it will not be talked about because of the failure.

In some ways, I feel like most of my family and friends have kind of gotten used to it – the hope before the trip, the text messages while I am away, the return and the obligatory text message saying ‘it failed, I don’t want to talk about it’, me withdrawing from the world and then when I see everyone it’s a bit like ‘nobody mention the war’.  For me, the crushing disappointment does not change, it has been the same since the first cycle, though granted in that cycle there was a healthy dose of bewilderment and complete and utter shock at the fact that it was cancelled.  The shock of failure has lessened over time, certainly but the disappointment, the feeling of being broken, the devastation at failing everyone (especially JourneyMan and JBB) is as crippling as it was the very first cycle.

I hold steady in my belief that the 5 failed cycles that we endured before we had JBB were worth it because we had the child that was meant for us and he is wonderful.  I am sure that I will feel the same when we are hopefully successful again about the last 2 failed cycles but that, unfortunately, doesn’t make going through the failures any easier to bear.  The only thing that I can do is accept that there is going to be dread but I must not let it run my life or ruin the lead up to the trip. 

In other words, don’t look the basilisk in the eye. 

Letting go…..

We have been in our little house for nearly 6 years – I am staggered by that!  Now we are packing up six years of memories.  Before we moved in to this house, we weren’t married or even engaged, I had never even lived with a man before.  We weren’t infertile, we didn’t even know what a cycle was, we weren’t parents.  We didn’t have our darling JBB, we didn’t even have our little JourneyDog of Wool.  I was a different person then. 

It is nice that we feel the need to move because we became a family and our family has become too big for our house.  There were times in the journey that I didn’t think that this would ever happen.  I sometimes think that there are memories that I would like to forget, such as howling in pain after I went to egg pick up and there were no eggs but would I enjoy being JBB’s Mum so much if I didn’t have that memory?  Would I delight in the fact that every day he says ‘Mummy’ over and over again – I assure you, I never get sick of it.  

We’ve danced in that house, we’ve loved in that house, we’ve grieved in that house but most of all, we have lived.  We live a pretty quiet life.  We have friends that we see, we have family that we celebrate and commiserate with. We work, we play and we rest. Mostly, we have each other.  My life is filled with love and if I have had some grief along the way, it is a small price to pay for the amazing love that I have in my life.

For the past few months, I have been doing a lot of questioning.  Why is it so hard for me and not others?  Why, out of all my siblings, did I seem to get the defective bits?  Why do I even want another child, why can’t I be satisfied with one?  Why, why, why?  Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve stopped questioning why, because really, what the hell does it matter?  I feel good that I let myself question and rail against the answers because I feel like I have a modicum of peace.  

We are clearing a lot out as we move – I love a good purge of stuff, it feels great.  I will take the memories with me, though - the good, the bad, the joyful and the sad – they’ve made me who I am and now I look toward our new house.  A house that has space for our family to expand once again.  I am really ready for this next cycle.  My arms, my mind and heart are open wide.

14.5 Weeks to Go – Many Updates and a Plan Update

Yikes – where is the time going?  The plan itself has been going very well, I am losing weight consistently and I have been doing many of my ancillary fertility treatments.  The move has made things extra busy, we are now full on in the midst of packing up to go to the new house as well as keeping everything spick and span for the open for inspections on our current place – a bit of a tricky business I tell you!!  In true JourneyGirl  style – I have spreadsheets galore for the move (cue JourneyMan rolling his eyes).  There are timeframes, schedules on when to pack and all of the things that you have to do in a move!  We are also using this opportunity to declutter and clean up things that have been needing it for a while.

There has been quite a lot of movement cycle-wise in the past week because I learned from the clinic that my usual doctor was going to be at a conference in Japan on the day of our scheduled transfer.  This sent me into a bit of a spin because I trust this doctor and I don’t know the other doctor.  Said I could either have the transfer with the new doctor or they could move the the transfer to 2 days earlier and then I could have the doctor that I normally do. 

It was a little bit of a problem because the accommodation that I had already booked and paid for is non-refundable.  I thought long and hard about it and felt that I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t move the dates a couple of days and had the other doctor and it didn’t work.  In the end, I decided to move my flight to 2 days earlier and stay in Thailand a little bit longer.  I saw it as a bit of a sign that I am supposed to have a little more rest after the transfer, rather than getting on a plane 2 days later which I have done for the past 2 cycles.  I will have an additional 2 days of R & R which hopefully will help (I mean all I have to do is just relax right?)

So, in a flurry of activity today, I have confirmed the new timeline with the clinic, changed my flight and transfers, updated my travel insurance and I am just waiting to see whether my bestie wants to come for the extra couple of days before I book the accommodation.  Phew!!  There is a lot going on at the moment!!

So – here is the latest plan update – feel free to skip over if you find it boring!

Physical:

Weight Loss: 

My weight is only down 11.2kg’s in total (though it is down 12.1kg’s from the last cycle).  This is great news and I am really happy that I am making a real difference to my weight this time.  I also feel a lot fitter and stronger which I think is even more important.

Exercise:       

• 3 X 30min Walk / Run sessions – I have changed this to 5 X 20min sessions in the morning at around 5:30am – gets the metabolism going!  I did 4 last week before I hurt my knee and now that the knee is better this week, I have already done 2.
• 3 X Weights program at the gym – This one is proving quite tough – I didn’t do any weights sessions last week – I am hoping for 2 this week at the gym tomorrow and Friday.
• Yoga daily – I have kind of given up on this until we move to the new house.  I was trying to do it in the loungeroom of a morning after my run but seriously when you have a 20month old and a Woolly dog fighting to sit on you or lick you, well, let’s just say not much relaxation has been going on!!
• Walking – Has been going excellently – last week had 3 X 60min walks with the bestie on our lunchbreaks at work.  This week we have already done 2 and have been battling the horrible weather but have still triumphed, I am proud!!
• I have been doing work on the bike 3-4 nights per week which is good.

Detoxification:

• Skin brushing daily – I am hoping to find my skin brush in the move but in the meantime I have been doing this every day with some natural fibre loofah’s!!
• Clay bath – I have removed this from regime as I don’t feel good about it and I am trusting my gut!
• Castor oil pack – I did two packs last week and I am hoping for 3 this week!!
• Vitamins and  Chinese Herbs – Going very well with these during the week – need to pull my socks up on the weekend as instead of twice a day, have only been doing once a day.
• Fertility Tea – have decided to start this once we have moved.

Mind / Body Connection:

• Imaging, Subliminals, hypnosis – I have been doing this most nights though I am not sure how much it is helping because I fell asleep before she finished the first sentence last night!!
• Mind Map – still haven’t done this one – need to get on to it asap – will probably have to wait until we move.
• Make myself ready for another baby – I do actually feel very ready – certainly more ready than I have felt before the previous cycles and I really think that the house move will be the icing on the cake, we can have a nursery set up all ready for the baby to come to us – yay!
• Meditation – hmmm, still need to get on to this – am going to have to postpone until after the move.
• Relaxation time – I have been having baths with some trashy magazines which I find super relaxing.  I also have a family girls day out on the weekend, we are going to have high tea and probably see a movie – yay, should be fun!!

Financial:

• Bills paid on time – had fallen a whisker behind in this but caught up again today, which is a relief!!
• Taxes complete and up to date – this is done for the most part but I do think there might be an error on it so I am going to review tomorrow and book in again to see the accountant because I think some things were missed.
• Stay within budget – this still needs some work, JourneyMan and I need to find some time to sit down and discuss.

House:

• Room ready for baby – This will be done in the new house, I am really looking forward to it!!
• Bedded down routines for cleaning – we have been going pretty well with this – it helps that we have had open for inspections and such on the house!!
• Bedded down routines for the cooking – mostly just trying to eat everything out of the fridge and freezer before we move!

Sleep:

• JBB started sleeping through the night again last week but now again has been waking up at 4am every day – thankfully he does go back to sleep until 5:30am which is slightly more civilised.  JourneyMan and JBB gave me a sleep in for mother’s day – honestly after a 9 hour sleep, I felt brand new!!

Expectations:

• Expectations are going very well – I have been cutting myself a break every now and then so feel pretty good about everything.

Overview:

 A fantastic week in pretty trying circumstances – I am hoping I can keep this level of energy and commitment up for the next 14.5 weeks!!

19.5 Weeks to Go – Plan Update No 2

Confession time – I have had a very bad week on the plan, pretty much in every category. It seems that if anything out of the ordinary strikes, my whole plan falls apart so I am going to have to put some fail safes in place to pick myself up and get back on track straight away rather than let things run on and on like they have in the past week. I have promised myself that I will update each week regardless of the story (good news or bad news) so that is what I am doing *gulp* (hope this process is not too boring for you all to read!

Physical:

Weight Loss:

My weight is only down 300grams this week but I do actually consider this a big win because of Easter and the multitude of opportunities to indulge this week! Plus, it was a big loss last week so really anything this week was going to be a win.

Exercise:

3 X 30min Walk / Run sessions – I only had one run session for the week so I am looking to getting back to the 3 sessions this week, especially as it is only weeks until the 5km run – eeeek!
3 X Weights program at the gym – a shocking week for the gym, I was out all Wednesday for my besties birthday, it wasn’t open on Friday and we had brunch with my family on Sunday so all of my sessions were gone – I need a contingency for this.
Yoga daily – shocking week for the yoga – I didn’t do any – aaaaarrrrggggghhh!!
Walking – I only did one walk for the week as well so that was pretty pitiful, definitely have to pull up my socks this week as well.
No intervals on the spin bike – what!!?!? It is in the loungeroom, the only excuse here was laziness, definitely need to be better this week.

Detoxification:

Skin brushing daily – still a problem as I haven’t found where JBB has hidden it – doh!!
Clay bath – didn’t have one – need to book this in and stick to it – okay, I am going to make a big call and do it Wednesday night.
Castor oil pack – no pack’s this week, definitely need to do one tonight (Tuesday) and Thursday.
Clay foot bath – nope, didn’t do this either, will need to do this on Saturday or Sunday this week.
Naturopath liver detox powder – did well again with this during the week and over Easter had it once a day which is an improvement on last week but still needs some work.

Mind / Body Connection:

Imaging, Subliminals, hypnosis – only did this around 2 nights and I really have to do the imaging sitting up because I keep falling asleep if I am lying down
Mind Map – still haven’t done this one – am going to post pone it until after the tax is done, once the tax is done, this will be my project.
Make myself ready for another baby – I am feeling very ready for another baby – poor JBB has been put into the baby position many times this week, much to his annoyance – he’s no baby, he wants to be running around the house, not being rocked by his crazy mother!
Meditation – have not started this one yet – need to find some time to slot it into my day.
Relaxation time – I had a fab day out with my bestie for her 40th birthday last week, it was very nice to have a fun day out like we used to, very relaxing!!

Financial:

Bills paid on time – the bills are all caught up on and the new system seems to be working pretty well.
Taxes complete and up to date – my goal is to get these finished by Friday, then I can relax over the weekend, let’s hope that this will happen!!
Stay within budget – this still needs some work, JourneyMan and I need to find some time to sit down and discuss.

House:

Room ready for baby – we did actually go out this weekend to get a mattress for JBB’s bed but we ended up buying him a racing car bed – I know that this wasn’t in the budget but it was a joy to see him jump in it saying ‘car, car!!’ – I can’t wait for it to be delivered on Friday!
Bedded down routines for cleaning – shocking week for cleaning, the house is a bomb site – I have decided to start the Fly Lady 31 days of baby steps from today – wish me luck!
Bedded down routines for the cooking – not a great week for eating but I have done some good cooking for the week and we have lots of healthy food at our fingertips this week, yay!

Sleep:

Another pretty poor week of sleeping though I did get two sleep-in’s over the Easter weekend. JBB has still been waking up at 4am. This morning I checked on him and let him cry for awhile and he went back to sleep until 6am, a big win – hoping to consolidate some good habits into this little cheeky over the next week.

Expectations:

Moaning Myrna was a little louder this week – especially beating me up on my looks, I am trying to let her negative nelly speak pass me by but still some things hang on. I am hoping for a more positive week this week.

Overview:

Not the best of weeks this week but I am proud of the fact that I have updated despite everything not being perfect. I still lost weight which is fabulous and I am feeling very positive about a new baby which is all good. Here’s hoping for some good improvements this week too!!