Supernanny to the rescue....

Firstly, I would like to thank Tireegal, Silver and Reagan and Trevor’s Mummy for your kind words of support and help to my last post.  Things have improved marginally (ie.  Boo2’s naps during the day are slightly longer) – he is still waking up at the same times at night and I am back at work (and got sick with a stomach bug straight away if you can believe it) so the exhaustion is compounding right now.  That’s not what I want to talk about this post though.

I was watching a ‘Supernanny Family SOS’ episode last night and there was a family on that had gone through many cycles of IVF and had then had adopted 3 daughters.  In essence, the Mum felt guilty because the kids were adopted and decided to parent with ‘no consequences’ the result of which they were very disrespectful and running wild.  They also shouted to her quite often ‘you’re not my Mum’.

My guess is, that the ‘you’re not my Mum’ is a fear for all of us who are going down the donor egg or adoption route.  I wrote a post about this here but this show brought it all back to me again and made me wonder if the boys will ever be so angry at me that they want to hurt me so much that they would say this to me – probably in their teenage years, I would imagine though I hope not.  It doesn’t hold the fear for me that it once did – I know that I am their Mum, I know that there is no-one else who could lay the claim of ‘Mum’ to them, I have certainty in myself.  That being said, I think it will still hurt if they say that to me but also ‘I hate you’ which I am sure hurts any parent when said, mostly I think because the intention behind it is to hurt.

The other thing that was happening was that because of guilt, the mother didn’t want to discipline any bad behaviour in the kids – that, to me, is crazy.  My parenting style is to deal with misbehaviour straight away so that there are immediate consequences to their actions (though I also think that you need to pick your battles).  JBB is definitely pushing his boundaries at the moment and has gone from sticking right by my side when we go anywhere to running off willy nilly.  This is a total deal breaker because of the danger so he has had the consequences of some of his toys being taken away, not being able to watch some shows that he likes etc.  Everyone parents differently and I can see how bad behaviour can breed – the easier road is to let it go at the time and give them what they want but I think in the long run, you pay for that in spades.  I am absolutely exhausted right now but I still try to discipline any behaviour that comes up because I know it will be worse later.  That is not to say that I am perfect, I am not even close to that, I am constantly worried that I am f*&^ing up the kids – though that is a post for another day.

JBB is now at the stage where he vaguely understands the concept of his birth.  I tell him his story about once a day (once upon a time Mummy and Daddy wanted to have a baby very much….) and he can now distinguish between ‘Mummy’ and ‘The Donor’ (who helped Mummy out with a part that is working) though of course just on the level of naming various players in the story and not philosophically understanding that his story is different from others.  My main goal at this time is for him to always know his story, so that it isn’t a surprise to him at some point in his life.  The Supernanny episode also had a great idea.  The girls were able to write out their questions and about adoption (or anything in their life) and put it into a box, the Mum then wrote the answers to their questions on the back of the card.  It allowed them to ask anything that they wanted without the confrontation of having to talk about it – they really took to it.  I think that this is a great technique – one I will adopt later on so that the boys can have answers to any of their questions.

Another Step in the Journey…

When I named this blog, I predominantly hoped that the name could direct people to a  resource for anyone considering using donor eggs internationally or even just donor eggs.  The reason that I blog has always been as a catharsis and to document the journey but I really did hope that people who were in a similar situation could find information from someone who has lived it.  In my mind, I guess I thought that the ‘Donor Eggs Journey’ would logically finish when we reached the finish line and had our baby.  But then when we had our darling JBB, I quickly realised that the journey would continue because we wanted him to have a sibling.  Then I kind of thought in my mind that once we had our family completed that our ‘Donor Eggs Journey’ would be over.  I don’t think that is the case now.

I wrote some posts back when JBB was only a few months old.  I remember feeling uncomfortable at the time because I didn’t have any prepared answers for people enquiring about where JBB got his looks from.  I was feeling swirls of feelings that I am sure where in part being overwhelmed as a new mother (which I am sure any new mother can relate to) and being the mother of a donor egg baby and the different feelings and situations that come up as a result of that fact.

At the time, I thought that these feelings and situations were something that I needed to ‘get over’ and I would move on and continue the bliss of being JBB Mum.  More than a year later, I have realised that this Donor Eggs Journey will continue for all of our lives.  For the most part, we deal with anything that normal parents deal with:  joyful hugs, being our son’s hero’s, sleepless nights, teething, the terrible two’s and the myriad of things that are a part of any parents daily life but there are things that make our Journey special.  

We need to think of other things like how do we begin the discussion of telling JBB how he came into this world?  I have a folder of JBB’s journey that includes pictures of him as a blastocyst, pics of the donor and him, pics of the donor, information about the donor and information on how he can contact the donor.  We always need to consider the information that we give to people and what effect that it will have on JBB in the future.  JourneyMan has said that he doesn’t like to say how much JBB looks like him because I can never have that experience and he doesn’t want to rub it in to me, this is something that most Dad’s don’t have to think about.

Early on, despite being totally in love and bonded with my little cheekiness, there were times when I wondered if JBB would resent how he was brought into the world, that he would end up hating me because of the decisions that we made.  I also had some feelings that I wasn’t really JBB’s mother because he didn’t have my genetic material.  The concerns that I felt about not totally feeling like JBB’s mother have faded away entirely.  Who else is his mother if not me?  This feeling did not happen over night, there were events that have affected how I feel.  Meeting the donor again and seeing JBB with him made me realise that she is stranger to JBB, albeit a most generous, amazing one!  Of course, I also consider her a vital part of the ‘creation team’ that made JBB.  I am not particularly religious, but I think of the JourneyMan, the Donor and myself in a circle, around us are the many doctors and alternative therapists that contributed to creating JBB and surrounding us is some higher power that enable the miracle of our son.  There is no mistaking he is exactly that.  I don’t why but it used to annoy me when my Dad used to repeat that JBB is ‘a miracle’ but it did.  I think because it highlighted to me that it was easy for everyone else but we needed ‘a miracle’.  It doesn’t bother me when he says it now, I wholeheartedly agree.  There is no mistaking that this little boy is a miracle, a gift from God and I am grateful every day that he came into our lives.

A beautiful moment that I have tucked away in my mind happened a few weeks ago.  Whenever I pick JBB up from day care these days he wants to show me things.  The car that he has been playing with, the friend that he has made, the toys that he has had fun with that day, some photo’s on the wall.  A couple of weeks ago, he took me around to all of the staff members, he pointed to me and said ‘my Mummy’.  Through the tears that pricked in my eyes, I said ‘yes sweetheart, that’s right, I am your Mummy’. 

36 Eggs, what the!?!?

You read that right, yes, 36 eggs!! I was in total shock and this is double what the donor had last time. The doctor has said that this should result in 6 excellent quality blastocysts. I really hope that there will be some fabulous quality embryo's and that one will hang on for dear life.

It has been a very good day, one that I will always remember. It started out a bit shaky because we got on the wrong train as well as getting lost in the building that the clinic is in. Finally we got there and surprisingly enough, didn't get the greeting that we were expecting. So far, everywhere that we go, JBB has been treated like a celebrity - everyone wants to greet him, hold him, play with him and let me tell you, he is not minding the attention!! However, when we go to the clinic, we didn't see anyone that we knew and they didn't seem to know that we had an appointment. We also thought that there would be some excitement to see JBB but it was all a bit puzzling.

Finally, after a bit (and I must confess here, it was about two minutes) our patient coordinator came rushing to us with big hugs and exclamations about JBB. Phew, we were in the right place!! Immediately, JourneyMan was rushed off to produce his sample and I know we are juvenile but we had a little snicker when he got back. Throughout the morning, we had blood tests, I had the lovely vaginal scan (ah, my old friend, I have not missed your cold embrace) and then had a chat to the doctor. My lining measured 10mm which I believe is pretty good so I think it is all looking okay right now. The doctor had just come back from a conference in Melbourne (our home town) and he also met our fertility specialist whilst there - it truly is a small world!!

The best part of the day then happened. The donor came toward me and I recognized her face immediately because it is the face of my beautiful JBB whose face I know every millimeter of intimately. It was a truly moving moment, she walked into my arms for an embrace and the love and thanks that I feel for this gorgeous woman is overwhelming. That embrace was a truly special moment and I couldn't ask for a more special woman to be the donor of our JBB (and hopefully JBBS). She then saw JBB and pointed at his face and then at her own. I had tears in my eyes and still do now. We all sat down for a chat and she held JBB and played with him. We had many photos and she also wanted photos of all of us but of course, especially, JBB. She speaks English pretty well but there were some difficulties, our patient coordinator needed to translate some things. JourneyMan wanted to thank her especially for JBB but also for helping to see if he could have a full blood sibling.

There were some base emotions there for me as well and whilst love and thankfulness topped the list, there was also a slight feeling of wariness, no actually, more like watchelfullness. I wanted to see JBB's reaction, would there be an instant rapport because of biology and at one point there I had a momentary intake of breathe when JBB reached out to touch the donor's face. After a while, JBB got sick of playing and put his arms our to come back to me and I exhaled, of course I am his mum, no question.

I was able to give the present from my mum to her and when I was explaining to the donor about what JBB means to my family, I really started crying and we hugged. I didn't want the moment to end, it was beautiful.

A very, very good day.

My wonderful Mum

I wanted to relate a story about my Mum as it illustrates the kind of woman that she is. Originally, we were hoping for Mum to be able to come with us to Thailand because she has had a lot to deal with since my Dad has been sick and not just the cancer of recent months but mainly the hydrocephalus. He has turned into a person that we barely know and at the moment, despite the fact that he has been given the all clear by the doctors that the cancer is gone and that he has recovered well physically, he spends most days in bed all day asking my Mum to get everything for him and do everything for him. As a result of the hydrocephalus, he is also paranoid all the time and quite aggressive.

Anyway, so we had wanted her to come to Thailand with us, mainly so that she could have a break (no cooking, no cleaning, lots of spa treatments, she would have been a new woman). But with Dad as he is, she cannot even contemplate it at the moment. She also has to take him to many, many appointments each week and make many calls to the council and other agencies for help and follow up. She also takes care of JBB one day a week and is invariably helping out my brother and two sisters at times as well.

Anyway, this was just to illustrate how much she has going on at the moment. She is hugely generous with her time and love and has always been there for all of us. She had a hard time when I was going through the end on end failed cycles – she was there for me to cry on her shoulder but she has since confessed how frustrated she was that she couldn’t do anything to help.

A few weeks ago, she asked if she could buy a gift for the donor. As the donor had provided the gift of all gifts to us, so my lovely Mum wanted to buy her a little something. This is just how she is. I told a few girlfriends about this and they were quick to acknowledge ‘that is just typical M’. Yesterday we went to the shops and had lunch and had a look around for a gift for the donor. We settled on a silver fob bracelet with 2 hearts on it. We are going to write a card for her and ask someone at the hotel to write out the translation for us so that she will have it in Thai (she does not speak any English).

I love it that she wanted to thank the donor personally – that is my Mum, she is a wonderful, wonderful person and a fabulous mother!!