The first day of the rest of our lives.....

I have dreamed of a day where my family is complete.  In this dream, there are no cycles, there are no holidays that involve IVF or procedures.  There is no fear that our family will never been complete, there is no fear that we will never be able to get ahead financially because we are constantly paying for cycles.  Instead there are the little things.  Feeding the new baby.  Saving for a family holiday.  Considering where to move to so that we can send our boys to the best schools.  Hugs and kisses.  Baths and sitting down to dinner as a family.  Considering how to raise the best human beings possible.  Swimming lessons.  Football games.  Going to the park.  A normal life.

That day for us is tomorrow.  JourneyMan will come and pick me and Boo2 up from the hospital and we will go home to our family, we will go home to the rest of our lives.  We are the luckiest people in the world.

We will leave behind cycles and IVF and they will no longer exist in our present but our Donor Eggs Journey continues.  Our boys are from a Thai egg donor and that doesn’t change because we are finished with cycles.  This journey continues for the rest of their lives.  Every day, we consider how to ensure that they know that they are loved, that they were the most wanted kids on earth.  We prepare ourselves for the questions that the boys may ask and we keep as much information on the donor as we have so that should they want to access it or go to see her, they will be able to.

It is interesting to me that when JBB was born, people talking about who he looked like hurt me because it would never be about him looking like me.  I healed from that experience though because this time when people have been discussing Boo2 and who he looks like, I haven’t felt hurt at all, it means nothing to me – indeed, I have been the one instigating those discussions more.

So, tomorrow, we will gladly move on from our IVF and cycle based existence toward our future.  We will not forget what has gone before because it has shaped who we are today.  Our donor egg journey continues as our boys reach each stage of their lives – I am interested to see how they will respond to their story.

For me, I continue to feel that I am living in my most sought after dreams.  I am the luckiest of the lucky.  I cannot be any more grateful for everything that we have.  Thank you to all of you who have come with us on our journey, your comments have been a source of great comfort over the past few years, I appreciate each and every one of you.

I hope that you continue to share JBB and Boo2’s journey!!! 

Intersecting Moments

When I was at work last week, I happened upon a conversation that two women were having in the kitchen. They were taking about how people are always commenting on how her kids look like her. Cut to a day later and I was at my osteopath's and his twins (natural) were there and they are the living image of him. At JBB's day care, they have a book that they ask family questions each day and then put it up around the centre. The question then other day was 'where does your child come from, what is their heritage?' - in my mind I thought 'this could take awhile'. I wrote, with only a small hesitation, donor: Thailand, Mother: England, Ireland, Father: Ireland. Cut to my house that night and I hear the same word over and over again, mainly because JBB loves to say it but also because it is who I am, Mummy.

My feelings when heard the women in the kitchen at work were mostly a mere observation, as in 'oh, that will never be me'. The feeling when I was talking to my osteopath about how his kids look the image of him was really detached, it was a world away from my reactions of when I first heard or had conversations like these. It was a kind of grieving at first, I felt a loss that I am not sure was an actual loss or the loss of being more 'normal'. I feel good that I can hear, see and participate in these conversations without any feelings of sadness or loss. I feel good that I can let people know his heritage without feeling like I am 'wrong' in some way.

And really why would I? When I go home at night, I have the moments that I treasure. When I pick JBB up from day care, he comes running to me screaming 'Mummy, Mummy, Mummy'. I'm the person he goes to for comfort, we also share jokes and laugh all day. He says 'Mummy' all the time and it doesn't matter how many times he says it, I love it evey time. Every. Single. Time. Implicit in this word is everything that I wanted for so long. It makes me smile, it warms my heart and I am always, always grateful that this little miracle came into our lives.

5 failed IVF cycles rest in peace....

We had a hard road to our son. I thought (as I am sure everyone does) that our first IVF cycle would be a walk in the park and that I would be one of the lucky ones that got pregnant straight away, after all - there was nothing wrong with me, or so we thought. I have documented previously what followed and there is a summary on top of this blog but basically what happened was that the first cycle was cancelled and I was absolutely shocked when this happen, it had not even entered my thoughts. The second cycle I had no eggs at pick up. The third cycle I got one egg that fertilised but did not implant. I had a laparoscopy and found that I have one kidney and two uteruses and mega amounts of endo (they can't get all of it as it is right on my bowell). We took a break and I took DHEA (without consulting my fertility specialist) and I got 6 eggs at pick up, 2 of which fertilised but no implantation. The DHEA caused the endo to run rampant so I had to have another laparoscopy and I also had a lap band put in to lose weight. I lost 45kg's before our 5th cycle in a last ditch attempt to create some good eggs. Alas this was not to be, this cycle was also cancelled.

So, why am I reliving these horrible times? Well because I was chatting to JBB this week and I realised that I am glad that these cycles didn't work. Don't get me wrong, I still wish that JourneyMan and I could have sex at the right time of the month and boom, 9 months later we would have another baby but what I realised that I am grateful down to my bones is that we weren't successful with my eggs because if we were, JBB wouldn't exist. He is a special guy. His laughter can clear away all bad thoughts in my head. His cries of pain (he is teething at the moment) elicit an overflowing of maternal comfort. He is beautiful, he is clever, he is precious.

It feels good for those cycles to not have power over me anymore. There was a lot of grief there. They changed me irrevocably but at the end of the day, their failure brought me the greatest happiness of my life. I don't want to go all kumbaya on your arses but finally I have realised that these cycles that I thought bought me the most sadness in my life, actually opened the door to the greatest happiness.

Counselling...

Last week I had a session with a counsellor provided through the local council for new parents. This week, JourneyMan joined me. It has been quite illuminating though tonight I am quite sad.

I have been exploring the reasons why I have been crying so often recently - I knew that there was a reason underneath and it seems we are pretty close to finding out why. Last week we talked about how to handle when strangers ask about who JBB looks like without lying and also about how I may not have fully grieved not having my own biological children. I thought that I had so it did not completely ring true for me. We did talk about how I have a coping mechanism that is probably harming my ability to get past things at the moment. Anytime I even think of something 'bad' about being a mother - ie. sleep deprivation, worry etc I immediately have to think 'But I am absolutely grateful to be a mother'. It has become quite a compulsion and she said that she thought that it was harming my ability to move past these small issues. The other thing that I realised was that I am constantly on edge for JourneyMan to say 'well you wanted to be a mother, you just have to deal with it'. Of course, thankfully when I voiced this concern to JourneyMan, he allayed my fears and I felt quite relieved.

Today the counsellor asked us to talk about our failed IVF cycles because she thought that the source of my getting upset had it roots from this time. I am going to explore it a bit more on here because I think that I have finally uncovered where the issue is. We talked about the first cycle.

So, how did we start IVF in the first place? As JourneyMan had had a vasectomy, we thought that he would simply be able to get it reversed and pouf, pregnant! JourneyMan went to see the GP and got a referral to a specialist - this was even before we were married. We both went to see the specialist and when we were checking in with the receptionist, she said 'we always put fertility treatments in the name of the female'. I was floored at this point and looked questioningly at JourneyMan - he shrugged. We filled out the forms and went and sat in the waiting room - 'fertility - are we at the right place?' we whispered to each other - we were very confused, were we there for JourneyMan to have a vasectomy reversal, what the hell did fertility have to do with it? Oh how naive we were!!

The appointment was very strange - he said that JourneyMan could have a vasectomy reversal and we would wait approximately 6-12 months for the chance of getting pregnant or we could got with an IVF cycle straight away doing a needle biopsy on JourneyMan and use ICSI. I remember discussing it on the way home in the car and JourneyMan's initial reaction was that he didn't want to conceive a child via IVF because of the stigma attached, I didn't mind that but it was the waiting that bothered me the most. After having the tests and speaking to the specialist again and many long discussions, we decided that we would pursue IVF. By this time we had gotten married, had our honeymoon and a few months to consider all of our options. When we decided on IVF, we had to jump through all of the hoops until we were finally ready to actually start the cycle.

The whole process was strange. The counselling that was mandatory was a joke, it didn't deal with any of the issues but was just more of a 'check this box and sign off that you understand' type of situation. I devoured every piece of information that I could but I still felt like I was in a foreign country and couldn't speak the language - it was confusing as hell. I look back at the person that I was at the beginning of that cycle and barely recognise her - she was an optimist, she was a positive thinker, she thought that things always turned out for the best, she believed in herself, she had survived some stuff in her life but was courageous and faced up to challenges.

I approached the cycle with supreme optimism. There was a scary moment when the pur.egon pen did not work correctly and I panicked and called the specialist. It was weird doing the injections but I was not unused to them considering I had to have Clex.ane injections when I went overseas. I was sure that I would be one of the lucky ones that got pregnant on the first go, after all, I was a positive thinker and did everything that was asked of me.

When the call came to cancel the cycle, I was in the car park at work. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, I asked them to repeat the news at least a couple of times. I felt lost, devastated, confused, hurt. I didn't know what to do with myself. I called JourneyMan and his main response was that we could try again. I feel that I changed on that day. I felt like my soul had been slapped, hard. It was so unexpected. I searched for meaning, I tried to think of what I had done wrong, I looked everywhere for a reason.

The next cycle started around 6 weeks after the last one. Christmas and New Year happened in between, with me of course dreaming that the following Christmas I would have a baby in my arms. I had convinced myself that the first cycle was just a trial run, they just had not found the right drug dosage - everything would be fine the next go. I approached the next cycle with a lot less positivity. I was cautious and once again disappointed to find out that I only had 3 follicles. We still went to egg pick up and JourneyMan had the needle biopsy. The hospital is a bit like a battery hen farm - you could see all of the couples who were also getting their eggs farmed, most of us, hopeful and trying to recover from the procedure. The doctor came to see JourneyMan and I and told us that they retrieved no eggs. Once again, I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me, I felt unworthy, I felt like I wasn't a proper woman.

I had never cried like I did on that day (though I have done so since). I howled like an animal, I felt like my soul was torn. I can't remember that day without crying, in fact I am crying now - the hurt is still there. I think that those two cycles altered who I am.

Fast forward to now. I think that the reason that I am afraid of people commenting on JBB not looking like me is not because I don't want to explain that he is a donor egg baby but because there is still some feeling that I am not worthy of being his mother, that I don't deserve it because I am not a proper woman. My Dad constantly comments that JBB is a 'little miracle' and he certainly is but I noticed that whenever he said that, I would get annoyed. I think mainly because I feel like I don't deserve this beautiful miracle.

This has been hard to write but I am doing so in hopes that it will help me heal. Needless to say, I am going to continue the counselling - I need to heal these IVF shaped holes in my heart.

The Donor Egg Mother (Part 2)

This is the belated second part of the post that I did a couple of weeks ago - it still has been bubbling around within me. As usual, I would like to put in the disclaimer that there is nothing that I am more grateful in my life than JBB, every day, I am shocked with how much I love him more and more. This is not about being grateful, this is about something underneath, something that I don't think that I have quite dealt with yet.

JourneyMan and I went to the final session of our council run 'Baby Makes 3' course on Thursday night. Both of us have found this course quite wonderful, it has given us plenty to talk about and work out as well as some great ideas to help us as a family going forwards. As part of the final wrap up, the facilitators handed out the number of a counsellor that we could go and see individually or as a couple if we so chose to. After the course, I went to ask the facilitator privately if I could discuss my situation regarding JBB being a donor egg baby with the cousellor. She, of course, said that it was fine but what shocked me was that I started crying. Poor old JourneyMan didn't know what the hell was up because I was fine the previous minute before. I rushed him off to the car and started sobbing. The crazy thing is, I don't really know myself though I am starting to have an inkling.

I guess it started when JourneyMan's Aunt asked me at lunch 'Oh, JBB's skin is so beautiful and dark, where did he get that from?'. I wasn't prepared for a question framed in that way and when I said that JBB is a donor egg baby, she seemed a little embarrassed and quickly changed the subject. Then last week I was over at a girlfriend's for lunch and there were a few gals there who were all commenting on how much on each others' new babies were starting to look like them - you know, things like 'oh, so and so is really starting to look like you around the eyes now'. Strangely enough and as a bit of a side point, I have never been able to see that a baby looks like a parent or not. Anyway, this has happened a few times and each time the same thoughts run through my head. Firstly, I hear - 'that will never happen to me', which is quickly followed by 'who cares?', which then leads on to 'is there some part of me that cares - why would I bring this up to myself?' and then I start to feel guilty and beat myself up a bit. This goes round and round for a while.

I talked to JourneyMan about this the other night and he was wonderful - he is completely heartfelt in his knowledge that he understands that I am not saying that there is anything wrong with my bond with JBB or that I am anything less that esctatic about having JBB in our family - he knows that I am just trying to express myself so that I can find out what the feeling is underneath the tears.

I am now wondering about whether I have not completely grieved being able to have my own biological child or whether it is simply that I have not prepared myself for the situations that I have been placed in or could it even just be hormones. In some respects I do feel very alone because there are very few people that understand my situation. I am definitely a person that likes to be prepared for situations and how I would like to handle them. In some ways I am disappointed with myself that I didn't think to prepare myself for these earlier but I can't beat myself up too much, I have been very busy chasing after that little wigglemunch, JBB!!

Okay - so I kind of feel better about this going forward. I am going to try this as a plan:

1. If people ask where JBB got his beautiful skin (surprisingly this is asked fairly often cos honestly, he has the most divine skin you have ever seen - thankfully not my freckled version and JourneyMan, well, he has skin of the very pale variety!!), I am going to openly say that he is a donor egg baby who is our beloved miracle. I will be open to questions and will happily answer them but if the person seems to be embarrassed, I will be happy to answer anything that anyone has to ask.

2. When people are talking about their own children, and how they look like them, I am going to remember our beautiful holiday to Thailand that we had to have our darling boy. I am going to look closely at my gorgeous son, I am going to search his features and see if there is anything I would change about him because I know with absolute 100% certainty, there is nothing I would change - he is one of the reasons that I rejoice every day. I am going to hold that precious gift of his presence in my heart and smile knowingly to myself that when my friends, family or anyone else are looking at their children and seeing themselves - I will look at my JBB and see a beautiful miracle that I am priveleged to behold.

I am sure that I am going to trip over these situations more in the future but I am not afraid of looking at them now.

It has been a tough week for my darling JourneyMan. His Nanna died on Tuesday morning. She was a wonderfully warm and beautiful woman. We were lucky enough to see her last Saturday when they called all of the family in. JourneyMan was able to sit with her and spend some time showing off JBB to her - it was very special. My heart has hurt for him as he loved his Nanna dearly.

Another reason for Thailand again in July 2011

I have to be super quick as JBB seems to have a sixth sense for when I pick up the computer - he loves to wake up and demand to be fed!! The days have been all JBB all the time lately because although he has been sleeping well at night, he doesn't settle well during the day unless he is in my arms (I can't say that I don't like it because I could hold and stare at him for hours though it does get a bit difficult to get something to eat or even to visit the ladies!!). He is in bed right now so I am hoping for a quick post.

Thanks to all for your comments on our decision to go back to Thailand in 2011 to try for JBBS (Journey Baby Boy's Sibling - thanks Lifeslurper!!). Another reason that I would like to do this asap is that I would like the whole IF experience behind us. I know that sounds awful but over the past few weeks I have started to think about all the things that I will need to do in the lead up to Thailand. I need to get fit again (I have a goal to do a 15km run in April next year) and lose weight (I put on ALOT during the pregnancy with JBB), I will go back to Bikram yoga in the new year, we will need to get the money together for the trip, I will have to start back on the castor oil packs every second day, I will need to go to acupuncture each week and have the stinky herbs, I will need to have my 1 litre of fertility tea each day, I will need to start skin brushing again to detox my body - I am a little bit tired just thinking about it all again. Plus, I also don't want to miss a minute of JBB's life.

That's why I want it over with. Unless we win the lottery, we are only going to go for 2 children so it would be good to have our family all done and dusted. As some of you may remember, we didn't get any embryo's for the freezer last time so we will have to do the whole thing again from scratch. To preempt a question that many people have asked us, no - we won't be using the same donor. There are two main reasons why. Firstly, it would be unlikely that she would be available at the time when we would like to have a new cycle and secondly, JBB was the only viable embryo from the 18 eggs that the donor produced - my thought is 'what if next time there isn't even one?'.

I feel that I have recovered a little from the IF experience - although the bitter laugh that escapes me when my GP, OB and maternal health nurse asked what we are doing about contraception shows that some wounds still linger. However, then the thought of getting ready for Thailand and going again brings back the scary doubts and literal horror I feel at not acheiving a BFP from another cycle. There is also some part of me that still wrestles with the small hope that maybe if I had of had the blood thinning injections in the previous cycles with my own eggs - could I have gotten pregnant that way? Should we try another cycle here before we head to Thailand? 99.9% of the time I think 'no' basically because it was not really about implantation for me, it was the fact that I didn't respond to the drugs and that my ovaries couldn't seem to mature more than one egg at a time even if they were taken out of my body and beaten into submission but there does exist that small hope.

I actually don't really understand that small part of myself either because when I look at JBB and there is no chance of him looking like me, I don't care - especially when he recognises my voice and gives me a smile or when someone else is holding him and he won't settle and then I take him and sing to him and he settles beautifully and when I know from how he is crying what he wants. I am his Mum and I couldn't give a fat rats clacker whether he looks like me or not. The pragmatic part of me thinks 'what difference would it make if a child was from my egg?' to which the answer is absolutely nothing. Therefore, why would I try again with my own eggs with little or no chance or try in Thailand with a donor and have a 50%+ chance? After all, it wasn't as if it was only one cycle we tried with my own eggs, it was 5 cycles during which time we got bugger all embryo's to transfer (3 to be exact).

Okay - sorry this post has been all over the place - it is a bit of a stream of consciousness. Gotta go people - JBB is stirring!!!

JourneyMan writes...First son of a first son of a first son.

Here it is!!! I am reminded of this phrase Paul Roos said after Sydney's recent Grand Final win. Now that we are at the end of a long and arduous journey to get JBB,

JourneyGirl's ceaserean was completed over a half hour period. I had this time to sit with JBB on my chest and I was quite content to sit him in the crook of my neck while he stretched and slept and I could have sat there for hours.

I was wondering how I would feel about JBB being conceived with a donor egg, once he had been born. Now that I have met him, I just see my boy and feel a well of love and emotion for him, nothing enters my mind other than his care; the same as if we had conceived him normally. I am very happy with this, I was sure I would love him the same, it is a relief that it has turned out this way.

I would not want to contemplate the emotional state we would be in, had JBB not come along. I know JourneyGirls life is complete in a way it would not have been without JBB, born 6 pouns 8 ounces 835am 19th aug 2010 AEST.

My daydreams are filled with giving him worldly sage-like advice, teaching him to kick a footy & helping him become a loved well rounded person.

JD told me that when we went to the hospital I could stay with her the whole 5 days after JBBs birth. I secretly wondered how I could sneak away for some foxtel & JourneyDog time. Since JBB has been born all I can think about is holding him & listening to his gurgles and assorted baby sounds. Last night I only put him back in his cot because I started to fall asleep and did not want to hurt him.

Originally I was nonplussed about whether I had children or not, I could take it or leave it. Now I am marvelling at JBB and I am glad I did not miss out on the love he has brought to our family.

I thank you all so much for the kinds words & advice to help JourneyGirl along, the best thing for someone worried about the worst outcome is to have some good people to talk through issues with, I think the blogging and support of blog readers has given JG an important outlet for her concerns. Love to all JM.