Okay, it has not been a great day today. I got the call this morning with the fertilisation results and we only have 8 embryos. JourneyMan is quick to point out that this is our best cycle ever but I am left feeling very vulnerable. I mean, what if we don't get any that survive to day 5 - all of a sudden I am feeling very scared, emotional and anxious.
All my people have been saying comforting things (via text message) but I can't help but worry. Up until now, I had felt mainly positive and almost invicible, especially with the results of the EPU. Now I am full of worry and am playing the 'what if' game. We have come along way (and paid alot of money) to get to where we are and whilst I have never been in the position of having 8 embryos before, I thought that we would have more.
I know that I sound really ungrateful - it is just that I am so desperate. I think I am going to have to pull out my St Jude medal that the MIL gave me and sleep with it under my pillow tonight - Patron Saint of Desperate Cases is what I need right now I tell you!!
I irrationally thought that I could leave the fear behind. I also think that the drugs are having an ill effect on me - the noises of Bangkok are getting to me right now - I had to escape to the sanctuary of the hotel room all afternoon, though tomorrow we are off to the weekend market in Bangkok. JourneyMan has never been but I went with my bestie and it is very massive, hot and overwhelming - we will get there early and get out before it gets to hot I think!
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Relax, 8 is a terrific number!! I had 5 fertilize and 4 made it to blast so no matter what you'll most likely have a decent number by day 5 :)
ReplyDeleteBig hugs, I know it's stressful, but this is you time Journey Girl, I can just feel it!
Sweetheart - I really feel for you. Those drugs just mess with your head so bad!! Of course you were bound to come down off the cloud with the whole hormone maelstrom that is going on and the enormity of the whole venture. Did the clinic tell you what an reasonably expected number of embies is? Even with our super donor who got about 20 or 22 eggs we got 8 - one for transfer and 7 to freeze. There are always going to be the really awseome lead follies and lots of smaller ones behind. I think when they tell you how many eggs they should be more realistic about how many are developed enough to keep growing. I really hope you can keep yourself calm and relaxed and take it easy. It's awful that we have no control over these things. Btw - how many are you transfering? I can't remember.((((( Big hugs))))) to you:)
ReplyDeleteI just checked my IVF notebook (sometimes I can be crazy organized too!) and we had 8 embryos as well, from 13 eggs for the record. We weren't using a donor so we might not be going through exactly the same things but I remember feeling the same way - if things were going well shouldn't we have some huge number? You aren't the only person that felt that way and it doesn't mean you are ungrateful nor does it sound that way. It means you care, a lot, to make the understatement of the year.
ReplyDeleteAnd if those drugs aren't making you feel a little crazy, well, then you would be crazy already!
I'm sending good thoughts for your eight.
Still thinking of you and hoping you are feeling a bit better xoxoxoxo
ReplyDeleteHey Honey:
ReplyDeleteI am sure everyone reading your words can understand where your head is at on this. You go through 5 whole IVF cycles and mostly have low (or no) egg numbers. The prospect of DEs gives us new hopes, and along with that new expectations...that is perfectly understandable.
But it is clear that despite it being a donor cycle, you don't get to escape the heavy duty emotional turmoil (wouldn't it be great if you could?)having great expectations for 18 eggs is completely natural. So too is feeling disapointed with 8 embies. You are tired. You have travelled a long way - both physically and emotionally...but the reality is you have EIGHT EMBIES!!!! WOO HOO!!!....your hopes will revive, and you will soon see that you are still in this with (maybe for the first time?) a real fighting chance!!! So chin up, lil' buckaroo....this waiting on embies to grow was never meant to be easy!!!!!
LS x
Hang in there! I am cycling right now as well. We had 18 eggs and 8 embies, 5 of which were good quality. Our stats align. I know things will go well for you!!!! I am praying for you guys. Shell http://romancingthestone.wordpress.com
ReplyDeleteEight is a great number! Calm your sweet head. They will make it to transfer. All you need is one and it sounds like the odds are more than in your favor.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you sound ungrateful at all. You sound like an infertile who wants so badly to be a mother, which sounds about right to me.
Hopefully the trip into town will take your mind off things. You're doing great!
*hugs*