Anxious...

I am struggling at the moment.  I am anxious - so anxious that I constantly have that sick feeling in my stomach.  At first I thought that it might be early onset morning sickness but now I am pretty sure that it is just anxiety.

Just. Anxiety. 

Anxiety is such a small word but its effects are devastating.  I am not sure of what the origin of the anxiety is but I am certainly very worried about the pregnancy.  It is so early and I don't expect there to be symptoms and, of course, there are none but that worries me.  I have booked in for the first scan but it won't be for another 17 days - that feels like a life time.  Don't get me wrong, underneath the anxiety is certainty gratitude and some small measure of excitement but everything is overlaid by that anxiety.

It also could be to do with dealing with the emotional aftermath of Dad's death.  My Mum was worried that I wasn't there when Dad died but one thing that I know 100% is that Dad wanted me in Thailand for the cycle.  I am also okay that he couldn't wait, I didn't want him to struggle.  The simple truth is that I miss him.  Last week preparing for the funeral was completely manic and because we were immersed in his life, he felt like he was right there but now I feel bereft.  When I went to the viewing, I spent some time with him on my own and I told him about the baby, he would be so happy to know about another 'little miracle'.  How do you say goodbye to your Dad?  How can it be that he won't be ringing me and asking me how to text on his phone or talk about the footy.  I actually really don't understand.  The thought of his not meeting the baby makes me so sad.  The thought that JBB won't remember him tears me down deep.  The football finals are on and they are continually a stark reminder that he is not here.

I think that it is also work.  When I got back yesterday, I was overwhelmed with how much there was to do and today I think I have unwittingly walked in to a power play.  I am hoping that it will work out well for me and my Bestie but the uncertainty definitely has created more anxiety.

I am also worried that I am so anxious (yes, I just said that) - I hope that I am not hurting the baby with my worry.

How do I get rid of this sick feeling in my stomach?  Being a comfort eater, I usually try to eat to feel better but I have been trying to restrain myself, I want to look after myself and the baby.  I have downloaded some hypnosis mp3's - I am hoping that they will at least help to make the anxiety manageable.

The Two Beta's

I have had two Beta's in the last week.  One on Tuesday and Friday.  Here are the results:

HCG Tuesday:  72

HCG Friday:  231

So, I think all is looking good and it now is just a matter waiting until the 6 week ultrasound to make sure that everything is okay.  

Everything feels very surreal for me at the moment, I know that there is a massively long way to go but at least for the moment, it feels like all is on track.  I can hardly believe that the trip to Thailand has even happened, let alone worked.

We had the funeral on Thursday and I am sure my Dad would have been extremely happy with the service.  He was a collector of people so there were an enormous number of people there.  

The weekend has been nice, I have been able to spend a lot of time with JBB and JourneyMan.  Friday, I took JBB to the indoor playground because the weather was horrible.  He had an absolute ball.  On Friday night, I went to the footy with my Aunty - it was the finals but I didn't really want to go because of he weather and also because I was absolutely exhausted.  I did feel that Dad would want me to go though, unfortunately my team lost but seriously, I didn't really care.

Saturday, I went to the market with my sisters and Mum and that was really nice.  My bestie dropped in after her acupuncture appointment and it was good to see here again.  It has been strange this week going from seeing her every day to only seeing her a couple of times.

Today, I was able to have a big sleep in so I feel much better.  Today, we are taking JBB to his swimming lessons and then we will have a swim with him.  Then it will be nap time for the cheeky and maybe if there is time, we will be able to take him to the mini train track for a ride on the train.

I know that I have resorted to updates again but I am overwhelmed with emotions at the moment.  Grief, joy, sadness, gratefulness, fear - you name it, I am immersed in it.  

Amidst Grief, Cautious Optimism....

It is looking very promising and I am super thankful.  

Thank you all for your lovely messages about my Dad.  I arrived home safely on Sunday night, JourneyMan and JBB met us at the airport - they were both a sight for sore eyes, I can tell you - so much hugging, I was immediately comforted.  After tucking JBB in bed, I went straight to my Mum and Dad's place where my Mum, 2 sisters, brother and Aunt (Dad's sister) were all waiting for me.  As I hugged and cried with each of them, I realised how much love I have and how loved I am.  It was a beautifully sad night.

I won't go in to the whole story right now, suffice to say that the past 2 days have been spent making funeral arrangements.  I am emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted but amongst it all, I am also filled with hope that this might be our cherished second baby, a sibling for our darling JBB.  One thing that stands out in my mind over the past couple of days is that, I will not give up until JBB has a sibling.  Being surrounded by my sisters and brother, I have felt bathed in love, support and with a life shared.  I cannot imagine JBB not having that support in his life.  I am hoping that this cycle brings us a baby so that we can give the gift to both of them of companions to walk along life's road.

I now have to write my part of the eulogy for my Dad, I want to perfectly express how I felt about him in my life - especially how proud I am to be his daughter.

In Bangkok

It has been an eventful few days!  Let me go back to the beginning....

I worked on Thursday and was pretty busy in the morning but left at lunch time so that I could spend the afternoon with JBB.  I picked him up from daycare and we went and had some lunch with his Nanna and a friend of hers at a cafe near home that has a playground.  I wanted to really spend some quality time with him because I wasn't going to see him for 10 days, such a wrench!!  We had a lovely lunch and good play in the playground but we headed home because he hadn't had his afternoon sleep and he was super tired.

While he was asleep, I was able to finish off the last minute packing and got a head start on dinner.  He woke up pretty grumpy but there was a big thunderstorm so we had a great time listening to the thunder and seeing the lightening.  He would say 'sunder, mummy' and then give me a big hug, we wiled away the afternoon doing this.  It was so nice to spend the afternoon with him, especially because he was in a very affectionate mood.

Once JourneyMan got home, we had dinner and got JBB ready for bed, he was staying at my Mum's for the night while JourneyMan took us to the airport.  JBB was such a darling he went to bed very easily (after being hugged to within an inch of his life) and we had a cup of tea and then went to pick up my bestie on the way to the airport.  After saying goodbye to JourneyMan (I miss him!!), we checked in and after being up since 5am, we boarded the plane at 11pm - I was shattered.

The flight was not too bad, I slept most of the time but there was quite a bit of turbulence.  I don't mind those overnight flights from Melbourne to Bangkok, I don't really like spending a whole day on a flight I would much prefer to spend a night.  We arrived at the hotel at about 7am and were hoping that they would allow us to check in early, which they did.  Thank goodness too - we were sooooo tired and I also wanted to freshen up and change because I had the appointment at the clinic at 11am, no-one wants someone looking up their lady bits when you have been on a plane for 9 hours - belch!!

The clinic visit was a good one, my lining measured 11mm which is way better than the last 2 cycles, my oestrogen was excellent and my progesterone was pretty good.  I am now on 2 forms of oral progesterone as well as the Crin.one suppositories - hopefully that will work well.  The doctor is also flying out to Japan so the transfer has been moved up a day to Tuesday, hopefully the 5 days post transfer on the trip will help to give a good result this time!!

Since the clinic, it has been all systems go on 'Project R&R' and it has been pretty successful so far.  We spent time by the pool in the afternoon and last night I had a nice foot massage (though they did dig in a bit so it also was a bit hurry) and this morning I had a fabulous Thai massage with herbal compresses - hugely relaxing.  This was all after a lovely sleep in until 10am - wow, who would have thought that was possible!!

I've also have had 2 great Sk.ype calls with JourneyMan and JBB - it was wonderful to see my boys and JBB seems in very good form - he doesn't seem too upset without me, which I am hugely grateful for.  It is so amazing to see him every afternoon while he is getting ready for bed, he tells me what he has done for the day and loves having a chat with my bestie as well!!  He is such a cutie, I miss his hugs.

Tonight has been lovely too, we had a nice Thai dinner and then went to the movies - saw the Bourne Legacy, which was okay.  I have done my yoga, taken fistfuls of hormones and vitamins and am now preparing for bed.  Need to get up super early (4am - week!) tomorrow because we are going on a tour to see the tiger temple (we have breakfast with the monks and feed the baby tigers) and then we give some elephants a bath, it should be a super fun day.

I had better get off to bed so I can enjoy it - night!!

My bags are packed, I’m ready to go…..

I am all at once very excited and nervous and worried.  Excited at the prospect of having a holiday in Thailand and hopefully having a successful cycle and bringing another baby into our lives.  Nervous that this all will be for nought and once again, the cycle will be a bust and worried about leaving JBB because I know that he will miss me a lot and I am not sure that he understands what is going on.

JBB was very clingy this morning.  I have been telling him for a while that I am going away and that we will talk every day on the computer and that after 10 days I will be coming back.  I am not sure how much he understands but I hope that he is not too upset when I am not there.  We have tried to keep things as much as possible the same as when I am home though JourneyMan is leaving work earlier every day so that he can spend more time with him to help to reassure him.  We are going to Sk.ype every day and I hope that will help him out.  

So much of my time spent as a mother is being torn.  I try to make the best decisions that I can but sometimes the consequences are both good and bad at the same time.  I will enjoy my time in Thailand, it will be fun having my bestie there – just like old times but I do feel a bit sick in my stomach at the thought that I might be hurting JBB.  I know that in the long run (if the cycle is successful), he will benefit greatly from my time away as he will have a sibling for life but it is still hard when I won’t be there to tuck him in and comfort him when he is hurting etc.

There is a part of me that feels guilty about having fun while I am away but then I want to be as happy and calm as possible for the cycle.  At the end of the day though, mostly what I am trying to focus on is that I am doing the best for our family in the long run.  I need to relax, stay positive and feel in top condition for the transfer and hopefully, I will be able to give JBB the best gift of all.

Check the ticker people – only hours to go…..

9 Days to go - The dichotomy of confidence and fear

Generally I feel confident that this cycle will work, we have good embryos and I am in much better shape both mentally and physically than I was in the previous cycles, so really how can it not work right?  I have been catching myself talking about ‘when’ I am pregnant rather ‘if’, I am making plans that include my being pregnant (ie. Our family holiday at Christmas) and I imagine how I am going to share the news with everyone.  I think about how much I am going to try to enjoy the pregnancy more than I did with JBB (mostly I white knuckled it right through that pregnancy).

But then, a feeling of fear splashes over me like a bucket of ice water.  ‘What if it doesn’t work’?  These embryo’s are from the same batch in which 3 were unsuccessful – does that mean that they are a bad batch?  What if I have to send out that dreaded text message again ‘it’s negative, I don’t want to talk about it’.  What about if I have to feel that enormous feeling of hurt and failure again?  

This is the quintessential roller coaster that is IF.  There are never any solid answers because they don’t know everything and whilst the science has come along leaps and bounds, there is SOOOOO much that they don’t know.  Why do some embryos implant and some don’t?  Why does an embryo from a 41 year old woman implant naturally and an embryo from a 24 year old donor not?  What is the best protocol to use?  What are the best medications to get the best results?  What natural therapies work and what don’t?  The answer to all of these questions is, ‘we don’t really know’.  So, I pray, I get my good luck charms,, I do my yoga, I listen to my hypnosis mp3’s. I try to influence the outcome in any way possible.  At the end of the day though, what influence do I have?  I suspect very little.

I guess I have become a bit of a fatalist because now I think ‘if it’s meant to be, it will happen’.  This is extraordinarily ironic because amongst the things that fertiles have said to me that pisses me off mightily, it is this – ‘if it’s meant to be, it will happen’.  Gaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!  Honestly, it drives me crazy because then the thoughts come into my mind like ‘so a 15 year old is MEANT to get pregnant, and how about the baby that is born addicted to heroin, is that MEANT to happen’.  It is hard to reconcile these thoughts and the only way that I have been able to is to try to accept that life is really bloody unfair.

Don’t get me wrong, I will still do everything in my power to influence the outcome – I am still taking my herbs every day and having acupuncture every week, downing handfuls of pills and supplements each day and generally doing the myriad of things that I do before and during a cycle.  I think I am just coming to accept that I can’t control everything – probably a good lesson to learn considering I am 41!!

Anyway, most of the time I am confident but I am well and truly on the roller coaster.  

Birthday’s, Anniversary’s and Cycle 9 starts in earnest!!

So, it is my birthday today and I am 41.  I am not freaking out too much over it, though I am not exactly over the moon either.  You would think that after all of these year’s of making family plans that haven’t come to fruition that I would stop making plans but I still persist in trying and my latest disappointment is that I wanted to have finished IVF by the time I turned 41.  The year before that, I had wanted to be finished having cycles by the time I turned 40.  So another birthday has rolled around and yes, I am still continuing cycles – of course, I still may be doing them next year as well – I accept that now.

It has been a lovely birthday so far, JourneyMan took me out to Gold Class last night to see the new Batman movie which was pretty good.  JBB also gave me (and JourneyMan) a great birthday present, he slept right through the night to 6am – what a little star!!  JourneyMan and JBB also gave me some presents this morning and I had lots of kisses and hugs from all of my boys made it a great birthday morning.  One of the best things about working with my Bestie is that we get to spend time together that we previously wouldn’t have – we went for coffee this morning and then we had lunch and cupcakes – yum, what a nice day!  It’s also my Mum’s birthday tomorrow so we are having a birthday lunch for the both of us with the whole family on Sunday, which will be lovely as well.  I have had lots of calls and messages from family and friends and tonight, the three of us are having a nice dinner together as a family.  Honestly, how can a birthday be any better (unless I was turning 25?) – I am one lucky woman.  I had always dreamed of such simple family life and now that I have it, it is even better than I had imagined.  The chipmunk voice ‘Mummy, story, mummy, book?’ waking me, the chubby little arms wound around neck hugging me and patting me for comfort, the smile and squeals of delight as I play with him.  Dreams do come true.

I would like to take a few moments to acknowledge a few of the other anniversary’s that have passed over the past couple of months without my acknowledgement on the blog:

• May marked the 10 year anniversary of being sober – am very proud of myself, this is a huge accomplishment – I was going to do a whole post on this and I will at some stage because it was a massive changing time of my life. 
• July 29 was our 5^th wedding anniversary!  I am so very happy to have met my JourneyMan and the past 5 years have been wonderful! 
•  July 31 was my 3 year blogaversary!!  I can’t believe I have actually been blogging for 3 years, it has been so good to keep a record of our Journey as well as to provide the catharsis for the overwhelming emotions that accompany a Journey such as ours – I appreciate each and every one of you that has read anything that I have written over the past 3 years!

Finally, cycle 9 has started in earnest.  The BCP has stopped, AF kind of came and I am now on the oestrogen to build up the lining.  I am getting very excited now – only 17 days to go!!  I am sure that is going to go very quickly!!

Cycle Analysis….

So, I got worse and worse and finally went back to the doctor and they said that I had the flu and pharyngitis.  Everything was looking pretty bleak on Monday, it was not a great day.  It was pretty unbearable, I was almost unable to swallow my own spit and the pain from my throat was agonising.  I had been on anti-biotics for 5 days and nothing had changed, in fact I had gotten worse.  I had Monday off from work and asked my (new) boss if I could work from home for the rest of the week which he was agreeable to so after some serious resting on Monday, things slightly improved on Tuesday and hugely improved on Wednesday!

In the dark days of Monday, I wondered if the cycle was compromised.  It is not a nice place to be but I just had to keep telling myself, I am going on this trip, I am going to get myself well and I am going to give these beautiful embryos the best chance in life possible.  The rollercoaster is in full force, I keep thinking that I am ready and all is going well and then *bam* something will happen and I think that it is all going to hell.  I think the hardest thing to keep on a cycle is your equilibrium.  That is hard for me at the best of times but add in hormones, stress and leaving the men in my life for 10 days and it is super tough.

Now that I am on the mend, I am back to being enthusiastic and excited about the trip.  There is still the fear that this cycle will be a failure but at the end of the day, whatever will be, will be.  I am trying to focus on the positives about this trip (having a trip with my best mate, getting treatments, sleeping, shopping, relaxing, getting pregnant of course!!

In my true nerdy style, I have analysed all 3 previous cycles to see what the differences are to this cycle.  Here is my analysis:

JBB Oct-11 Dec-11 Aug-12 Days on BCP: 23 16 21 53 Days on Progynova: 24 17 18 25 Transfer cycle day: 25 18 19 26 Embryo Quality: 1 x 4BB 1 x 4AB 1 x 3BC 1 x 2AA 1 x 4BB  1 x 2BB

So the biggest thing that I see here is that with JBB, I had 24 days of Progynova and of course we know that ended up being a successful cycle.  The Oct and Dec cycles had significantly less days of Progynova to develop the lining (-7 and -6 respectively), so hopefully the big positive of this cycle is that I have almost the same number of days of Progynova as I did with JBB.  The other aspect, of course, is the quality of the embryo’s.  We had excellent quality for both JBB and for Oct-11 but Dec-11 weren’t as good but this time we have one embryo that is the same quality as JBB as well as an extra one.  At the end of the day, we all know that there is no way to tell what cycle will be successful and which won’t be but I feel relieved that this coming cycle is much closer to mirroring (in lining prep and embryo quality) our successful cycle with JBB.  There is no guarantees that it will work but I feel like we have a great chance.  Added to this is the fact that I have lost a good deal of weight from the Oct & Dec-11 cycles and although I have not reached the same weight that I was at for JBB, I think I made really good improvements.

It is three weeks to go.  My focus is to keep my body strong and nourished.  Relax as much as possible and minimise the roller coaster.  Until Sunday, I am focussing on getting as much sleep and ensuring that I am as completely recovered as possible.

Just over 9 Weeks to Go!!

So, I am starting to get excited, there is only just over 9 weeks to go until I am off, once again, to Thailand.  I am definitely looking forward to it a lot more this time (than in December) because I will have my bestie there with me so it will be also a holiday as well as a cycle.

I am throwing everything I can at this cycle – and as per all of the other cycles that I have documented what I am doing, here I go again for cycle 9:

1. Still losing weight & exercising – I am booked in to do a 5km run on the 15^th of July.  Originally I wanted to do a 5km and a 10km but my knee has been a bit dodgy so I am erring on the side of caution.  My sister in law is doing the run with me – yay
2. Daily hot lemon – first thing in the morning as a stimulant for the liver and a detoxing agent
3. Daily internal bentonite clay – I know, this one is a bit out there but it is also for reducing toxicity in the body from the inside out – I feel like it works really well because it reduces headaches for me
4. Daily Supplement regime:  Magnesium, fish oil, pregnancy mulit, vitamin c, CoQ10, glucosamine, Vitex and a few more that I can’t remember right now
5. 2-3 Litres of water daily – to flush out my system
6. Skin brushing daily (yes, finally found the proper brush in the move – yay!!)
7. Twice daily Chinese herbs from my acupuncturist
8. Acupuncture once a week
9. Aromatherapy oils burning in the house when home (German chamomile, geranium, rose otto, lavender)
10. Indoor plants in the living areas of the house and air purifier in the bedroom for the breathing the best quality air
11. Yoga nightly (now that I have a nice warm room away from the hustle and bustle of the house, it is much easier!)
12. Epsom salt baths every second day
13. Castor Oil pack every second day
14. Body work (via some CD’s from ‘The Fertile Heart’) as well as some imaging work.
15. Visualisations / hypnosis and subliminals nightly

I am hoping that this all works and that this is the cycle for me.  One thing that I do know is that we have one embryo left that is exactly the same quality as JBB was so hopefully it is as tenacious as our little JBB and dig right in.

Melbourne is cold at the moment, very cold and I can’t wait for the heat and humidity of Thailand.  The warmth is very attractive!!

The official start of Cycle 9

So, I have kind of officially started cycle 9 – I am counting all fresh (7) and frozen (2) cycles in together for the sake of it and honestly, even a FET when you are going to Thailand for it feels pretty damn full on.  So, how do you ‘kind of’ start a cycle?  Well, my period was 10 days late so after an email discussion with the Thai doctor and a phone discussion with the Melbourne doctor, I started the BCP last week.  This, of course, means that I have also started the daily Clexane injections - joy. 

This is for much longer than the last few cycles and I am okay with it – after all, whatever it takes, right?

So, how do I feel now that this cycle has kind of already started?  I feel pretty good within myself.  I am doing everything in my power to lose weight and get my body right for the cycle.  I certainly feel very fit and my body definitely feels a lot stronger and fitter than I was for either of the last two failed cycles.

My mind is another matter though let me tell you that 90% of the time, I am upbeat, positive and excited about going to Thailand for the next cycle.  There is always a bit of an internal feeling of dread though.  For the most part, I am mostly focussing on the holiday aspect of going to Thailand and I am really looking forward to going in August and with my Bestie, it definitely feels more like a holiday break this time than a cycle (which was also the same as the cycle that we went and had JBB out of it!!).  

But sometimes when I turn really quickly, I can see the worm of dread coming up behind me, more like a basilisk of dread if the truth be told.  It is the fear of course.  The fear of the cycle not working again.  Of failure.  Of having to front up again and having my heart broken.  To tell all the people that are hoping along with me that it failed again, seeing the pity in their eyes.  Having to pick myself up again and get in for another go around.  Of ruining, what I hope will be a wonderful holiday with my Bestie with a failed cycle so that instead of saying ‘remember that grouse holiday that we took’ it will not be talked about because of the failure.

In some ways, I feel like most of my family and friends have kind of gotten used to it – the hope before the trip, the text messages while I am away, the return and the obligatory text message saying ‘it failed, I don’t want to talk about it’, me withdrawing from the world and then when I see everyone it’s a bit like ‘nobody mention the war’.  For me, the crushing disappointment does not change, it has been the same since the first cycle, though granted in that cycle there was a healthy dose of bewilderment and complete and utter shock at the fact that it was cancelled.  The shock of failure has lessened over time, certainly but the disappointment, the feeling of being broken, the devastation at failing everyone (especially JourneyMan and JBB) is as crippling as it was the very first cycle.

I hold steady in my belief that the 5 failed cycles that we endured before we had JBB were worth it because we had the child that was meant for us and he is wonderful.  I am sure that I will feel the same when we are hopefully successful again about the last 2 failed cycles but that, unfortunately, doesn’t make going through the failures any easier to bear.  The only thing that I can do is accept that there is going to be dread but I must not let it run my life or ruin the lead up to the trip. 

In other words, don’t look the basilisk in the eye.