The ART of relaxation..

It hasn't escaped me that the one thing that pisses me off mightily is that some fertile friends have said to me ad nauseum 'it will happen when you relax' and one of the things that I am hopeful about on this cycle is that the fact that I have almost a month off work and a week in relaxed Thailand will give me the positive result that we have been dreaming of!!

Well, we are here and it is absolutely divine! We got in at 5:30am Bangkok time and a rep from the clinic picked us up from the airport. Unfortunately we had to wait for a couple of hours before our room was ready and that was excrutiating and how - I was pretty exhausted though the flight was absolutely fine though a little turbulant.

We finally got in to the room (which is fabulous!) and had a clean up and a nap before heading out to explore, have lunch and have our first Thai massage. I tell you, we are living the high life here, it is wonderful!!

Tomorrow is our donor's egg collection and JourneyMan's retrieval - I am very excited - will let you know how it went tomorrow!

We're on our way!

Okay gang, we are at the airport standing in the queue to be checked in, whoo hoo, we are finally on our way!

It has been an absolutely full on day and now I am so tired, I can't wait to get on the plane to get me some ZZZZ's! The day started off at 5am when I got up and put the finishing touches on the packing and cleaning before heading off to work.

Work was a complete disaster today. I had worked on getting this particular task done for the past 2 weeks and thought that when I presented it to the relevant team that they would be completely joyful at what I was able to do for them - unfortunately, they changed their minds AGAIN and I had to do a review of some data before I finished today. It was very disappointing, though I am very happy now to be having almost a month off before I go back. I have finally started to relax after a pretty stressful day and I am really looking forward to a nap on the plane!

We have now completed check in, have gone through customs and security and are waiting at the gate. The lesson of the airport, I believe is patience! There is a lot of standing around, then sitting around and then waiting around. My mum cooked us dinner tonight (a roast - yum!!) and then dropped us off at the airport.

It is kind of a surreal moment but even as I sit an type, I am relaxing more and more and imagining myself being pregnant very soon - I am SO excited!!

We have follicles!!!

A calm has descended over me. Only one more sleep, only one more day of work, one dinner at my Mum and Dad's house, a kiss and a hug of JourneyDog and we are off!!

I got an email from the clinic this morning, our donor had her first scan yesterday. She has 20 follicles and her hormones are rising nicely!! Wow, this is like the follicle holy grail. Honestly, I feel vindicated, relieved and not a little bit jealous. I hadn't admitted it to myself but I was seriously worried that the cycle was going to be cancelled because she didn't respond to the drugs or didn't have enough follicles. I feel like I need to have a little discussion with my own ovaries to tell them that this is what I was hoping for from them, not some shuddering growth of a rogue follicle or two. I have to admit that I am a bit disappointed with my own bodies shortcomings egg especially in comparison to my gorgeous donor's but what can you do, that's life, right!

The good, positive thougthts far outweigh the bad though and the relief from the craziness that had swamped me over the past few days has been profound. I am back to excited optimism now and that is sitting well with me! I am looking forward to the trip now with great hope and excitement now. I am even looking forward to getting up at 5am for work tomorrow and all of my back to back meetings because it will be the last day for almost a month, whoo hoo! I do have to slip out in the morning to get the lap band adjusted.

Whilst we have officially entered summer in Melbourne and we have had some very hot weather already, today has been very cold and rainy so I am looking forward to the sun and heat of Thailand (it is going to be 34 degrees celsius, 92 degrees fahrenheit over the week) - I am looking forward to some relaxing by the pool - whoo hoo!

A note from JourneyMan:

It is on! Wow, since we had the baby's room set up and I saw the cradle in corner I have been moving rapidly towards expecting a baby. As JG had mentioned, I was blown away to see the cradle in the room. From there, I could see the baby sitting in the cradle and I was imagining carefully lifting her while supporting her head and back. I am looking forward to cuddling a little one soon and in short things have been brought sharply into focus for me. With all the failed attempts, I had felt a distance to the actual reality of success. Also, now that our donor has got 20 follicles, I have also realised we should soon have a bub on the way!

And back to JourneyGirl:

This song to our JourneyBaby has been going through my head all day - so corny I know but well, that's me, I am pretty corny!!

So kiss me and smile for me

Tell me that you'll wait for me

Hold on like you'll never let me go

Cos I'm leaving on a jet plane

Come with me when I come back again

Oh babe, I can't wait for you!

A frantic note to Lifeslurper:

Teddy and the Big Blue Dog have been spotted at Melbourne Airport - find them here (you've got to view this post people, it is precious)!!!

(JourneyMan and I absolutely LOVED this post - thank you, thank you, thank you!!).

Thank you for all of your good wishes, everyone - I really appreciate it!!

Check the ticker - 1 day to go!! This time tomorrow, we will be at the airport.

Are we there yet?

Okay – there is definitely something called ridiculously organized. Since yesterday, I have already packed the case, checked and doubled checked the documents (we have 4 sets, one in my bag, one in JourneyMan’s, one in the case and one will stay with my Mum), I have packed my carry-on bag including an armful of trashy magazines that Best Friend J gave me tonight, bless her cotton socks! I even have a little pile of clothes that are my ‘aeroplane clothes’ all ready for me to slip into before we go. My spreadsheet is just about empty – there are only items that can be done at the last minute on there.

There is also something called ridiculously emotional. I am anxious, I am crying, I am yelling, I am happy, I am excited, I am tired, I am confident that this will be our BFP, I am doubtful that it will work, I am nervous, I am snapping at people at work, I am writing mean emails, deleting them, writing them again, deleting it again and then finally writing an acceptable version – I am over it!! Seriously, Best Friend J commented tonight that it was lucky it was only two more sleeps otherwise someone (most likely Journeyman) might lose their life!!

Funnily enough, I thought that this would be an easier cycle because I wasn’t on all of the injectibles – unfortunately because I am having the clexane injections every day, it feels like a normal IVF cycle. I got an email from the clinic today marked ‘urgent’ – seriously, my heart stopped. I mean within the time that I was able to get the email open, I thought ‘oh my god, the donor has no follicles, what if the cycle is cancelled? Thankfully, it was the admin assistant asking for some personal details – goodness, couldn’t she have titled the email ‘Urgent Request for Information’ – I mean, bloody hell, am I not emotional enough?

Avoid Melbourne if you can, people – there is one crazy chick in town – thankfully she blows out of here in 2 more days – whoo hooo!!!

I'm very flattered!

The lovely Chelle has given me an award and I am very, very flattered - thank you Chelle!

Here are the rules to the award:

1. 
   
   
   
   Tell your readers how your journey into blogging began. Be as verbose or shy as you like.




2. 
   
   
   
   3-5 fellows whom you adore and write exactly what you value about that person or blog. The more that you write about them, the better. This is a chance to really appreciate your blog friends who have been there for you through thick and thin.




3. 
   
   
   
   Let the blessed winners know they have been awarded.

So, without further ado, here firstly is my story about how I got into blogging. I started a blog about having lap band surgery for the business that my friend and I have set up and I found it a wonderful way to express myself. I started this particular blog after our 5th IVF cycle was unsuccessful and we decided to go to Thailand to try a donor egg cycle there. I had searched far and wide to see if I could find a blogger in my particular situation, going to another country to access a donor but I couldn't find anyone, especially for Thailand so I thought to myself, 'okay, I will start my own!'. I purposely kept this blog anonymous as I wanted to be able to express all of my emotions without censoring myself. Only my husband, my best mate J and Lifeslurper know my try identity (she was very encouraging!!).

Here are my nominations:

1. Lifeslurper and Teddy Lifeslurper - my number 1 blogging inspiration, sounding board and blogging yoda (she reminds me to sign up for ICLW, let me know about Stirrup Queens and let me know about CycleSista) - what would I do without this wonderful friend I met on an Australian IVF forum. Her posts are poignant, brutally honest and funny, I love her to bits and whilst they have parted ways, Teddy Lifeslurper never fails to bring a smile to my face - you haven't lived until you have had a view of his (and don't forget the big blue dog!) antics.

2. Chelle from Once an Infertile - and not because you created this award but because you are an inspiration to me. When I first started doing ICLW, I wouldn't look at any blogs of IF women who were already successful, not because I was resentful, just because I felt I had more in common with the women who were trying. You have given me the courage to open my mind and heart to more who are on different stages of the journey and I am absolutely grateful for it (plus, this way you can nominate 5 more and I might find some more grouse blogs to follow myself - yes, of course it is all about me :))

3. TireeGal from Happy Go Lucky - who found me during and ICLW I believe and is a fellow donor egg cycle gal. I visited her blog after she had commented here and I liked the title of her blog 'Happy Go Lucky' it was so aspirational and I was intrigued that someone could be that way going through the IF journey - she has been a wonderful comfort over the past months. She is in the TWW at the moment with a test on 11 December - I am hoping that this will be a BFP for you my friend!

4. Jill at All Aboard the Pity Boat - I felt instant kinship with Jill when I found her - despite the fact that we live on opposite ends of the earth! She is an amazing woman. She is doing a running challenge at the moment, is crocheting (!!) and has the most gorgeous blue heeler you've ever seen in your life.

5. Miss Tori at The Winding Road to Parenthood - she has been a wonderful comfort to me over the past few months and is always quick with a kind word and a lovely piece of advice. She is preparing for her Lap Band surgery on 17 December (the same day as our transfer) and I hope that everything goes very well!!

Well that is it for the awards - once again, thank you Chelle!

On other matters, I spoke too soon about the 'no side effects with the drugs'. I have hit an emotional roller coaster. I went to the market with my Mum this morning as per usual and we were talking about my Dad. It is pretty hard at the moment because he is deteriorating so rapidly with the hydrocephallus and demtetia. He is disappearing in front of our eyes and I try to be available to my mum so that she can talk about it - the poor thing is having a very rough time as Dad is getting nastier, more agressive and paranoid by the day - she is pretty ground down by it all. Unfortunately this morning in the car, I just started sobbing and couldn't stop - I felt bad because I didn't want to heap any more worry on to her. I seem to be crying at the drop of a hat lately and whilst it is not surprising with everything going on, I am a bit exhausted by it all.

Mum and I ended up having a laugh about it and she was really good so I felt a bit better but honestly, my emotions are going crazy! I was going to clean the house an pack this afternoon but ended up sleeping for the majority of it - that's fine, I can do the cleaning and packing tomorrow.

I wanted to post some pics of Journey Dog who is Woolly. The first one shows him with before his clipping last week and the second one is today (post shorn like a sheep) - here they are:

Wow, only four more sleeps to go!

Whinging and babbling....

5 days people - gosh, wasn't it 5 yesterday and the day before too? It feels like it has been five days to go for a week! Time is really playing funny buggers with me at the moment. It doesn't help that I am packing each day with millions of things. Here is something that I would never have thought I would say - the house is looking a little bit rough around the edges, I am looking forward to cleaning it to have something to do - gaaaaahhhhh, who is this person who has taken over my body?!!?!

So today I had to work a half day and I had a lot to do, thankfully I got it all done. Unfortunately after that, JourneyMan and I had a massive argument - I am still reeling from it a bit though it is all sorted out now. I sometimes think that we are going well, really understanding each other and taking care of each other and then on days like today, I wonder if we are ever going to understand anything about each other. In mid fight, we had to go and have lunch with JourneyMan's mum - I felt sorry for her, we certainly weren't great company for her today. She gave me the blessed St Jude medal which was really lovely.

After that, I had to get out of the house so I gathered up my mym and we went to Ikea (to pick up JourneyMan and mines Christmas present from her and my dad - a dining table and chairs - whoo hoo!!). I also did some more Christmas shopping - I am going very well, I am definitely saving the rest for Thailand - I will need something to do for those 8 days and well, we are next to a seven storey shopping centre :)

Only 3 more days of work, thankfully! Wednesday is going to be a cracker though, I have meetings pretty much back to back the whole day. Oh well, hopefully I will sleep on the plane!

Now, I wanted to tell you about a very fabulous friend that I have. She is my best friend and we have been friends since she walked into my grade 2 class. We have known each other for more than 30 years (holy cow!) and have travelled the world together and are now running a business together. Interestingly enough, she has never particularly wanted children but of all of my friends and family, she is the most understanding and supportive. She is one special person. She has never said 'just relax' or 'it will happen when it's meant to'. For the most part she doesn't really offer any advice, she just listens with no judgement. For awhile, she thought that she may be able to come to Thailand for a week - gosh I would have loved that but her job has conspired against her - hopefully another time!

She has another good friend that is going through IVF at the moment (the poor girl had a negative on her first cycle). I am feeling very sorry for my mate J - she is copping it from all sides at the moment with me and her other mate. This is a shout out to you J - thanks for all of your support and love - you are the best!

Well, that is all that is all the news for this Friday. I am watching a docco on Everest, which also reminds me of J cos we travelled to Nepal - I blame her for that because it was her ambition to climb to Everest Base camp - most of the way we kept on saying each other - 'we could be lying by a pool in Bali but nooooo we had to do something adventurous'. Needless to say, our next trip was to a tropical destination with much lying next to the pool!

Organised - who, me?

I have been cracking up at all of your comments!! You guys are awesome and very amusing!

The irony is that I was so 'organised' today that I forgot about my acupuncture appointment. Luckily, my acupuncturist is only 5mins away so when she called me I hauled my behind around there quick smart! The only excuse that I have is that JourneyMan and I bought Super Mario Bros for the Nintendo Wii and were engrossed in a game when the reminder went off on my phone! Der, not as organised as I thought, hey!

On the other hand, I have continued my research today into surrogacy so that I will have a back up plan. I am telling you, that baby's room is going to be used. Today has been pretty busy with work, lots of stuff to do and early meetings with the US, so I have been up since 5am this morning and am pretty weary now.

So some replies to the lovely comments that you gals have made:

Circus Princess - thanks for dropping by, hope will feel better soon! Good point on the spa's and sauna's - yes, JourneyMan will be banned until after the 11th!

Chelle - if you haven't guessed, I had the wrong date in the countdown thingo - gosh, who ever said I was organised!! It is now correct though you will always be a bit closer than me while I am sleeping!

Miss T - I have left you a little list and some tips on your blog :) - thanks, that helped me get some of my list-i-ness out! I am so excited for you and hope your surgery goes well!

T-Gal - gee, you have set me a tough challenge!! I will learn some Thai over the next 6 days! I already know a few things, hello, goodbye, thank you etc from our last couple of trips - here are a few words for today:

• che chan cheu Jodie kaa (my name is Jodie)
• ra ka thao rai (how much is this? - for shopping :))
• Sa-mee (husband)
• de tar rok (baby)

I am working on it, I am not gifted with languages - I will try my best!

Also, here is a run down of the times (using our flight out of Melbourne as a base!):

Melbourne: 10 December 00:20

Bangkok: 9 December 20:20

Los Angeles: 9 December 05:20

New York: 9 December 08:00

London: 9 December 13:00

I hope that helps!!

Suraita - next trip, I will be lobbing in at your place - don't worry, I will organise the hell out of you!

Lifeslurper - be careful of what you wish for, my friend, I will be gettin on the freeway and getting your bum into gear! Seriously, when I get back, we will definitely need to catch up!

I am happy to say though that this time next week, we will be sitting pretty in our hotel in Thailand!

This post was supposed to be about a good friend of my and how amazing she is - I will get on to that subject tomorrow!

Is there such a thing as too organised?

If there is, I am it. I am not bragging and I also don't think it is a good thing. In my great wisdom, I have organised JourneyMan and I to within an inch of our lives and I find that now we are a week away from leaving (this time in a week we will be at the airport!), I don't have anything to do! Since Sunday, time has been absolutely crawling along. I am getting frustrated, now I just want to get there already!!

I thought I was going to be really busy at work at this time because of the project and whilst there is still a bit to do, it is all under control.

Honestly, I don't think that I can be any more organised than I am right now - here are just some of the things that I have done in the past couple of days:

• I have researched what spa's we will go to when we are in Thailand
• I have converted the prices for all of the spa treatments into AUD and printed it out as a reference for JourneyMan and I to look at
• I have looked up the times that the yoga classes are on at the gym at our hotel
• I have looked at what movies are going to be on the plane
• I have looked at what movies will be on at the multiplex next to where we are staying
• I have researched where we can go for an elephant ride not too far from Bangkok (JourneyMan wants to ride the elephants)
• I have purchased all of our books for Thailand (I am going to be reading the new Marian Keys - 'The Brightest Star in the Sky', I love her, she is a funny writer, plus all four of the Twilight books - JourneyMan is reading the latest Matthew Riley and the new Dan Brown)
• I have google mapped the directions from the hotel to the clinic (despite the fact that they pick us up each time we need to go there)

Also, another thing that is annoying me is that JourneyMan has had his last day of work today before we go and I am annoyed that I still have 5 working days to go - what the!?!?

Does anyone what anything organised, I tell you, I am a list maker without a to do list, this does not bode well people!!

Thanks to Chelle & T-Gal for your lovely comments and hell yes I will be blogging in Thailand - I already know where the internet cafe is!!

In response to the comment from Anonymous. The clinic that I am going to is:

http://www.ivfmiraclebaby.com/

And no, I am not Asian and the reason that we are going to Thailand is that it is illegal to pay donors in Australia. I don't care whether the baby looks like me and I honestly don't care what people think - basically because this is our best chance of me being able to carry a child.

Well that's it for me tonight - this time next week, people!!

I'm Ready....

Holy cow, it is only 9 days until we go to Thailand!! I am feeling that it is a little surreal at the moment, kind of in a holding pattern because everything is pretty much organized. The house is also feeling really like a home, more than it has in the 3 years that we have lived here. Most of the house has been spring cleaned and everything has a place that it lives and I have now put up pictures and photo’s and prints. I have gotten some cushions for the couch and just really organized everything. Every time I walk through the door I smile and it has really become a nice haven.

We do have a big problem with our courtyard, it is a total jungle out there but thankfully JourneyMan finishes work this Wednesday so he has a week to do a bit of work out there to whip it into shape. Basically it is just some weeding and stuff, hopefully I will be pregnant next year and won’t have to divert all our money for another cycle so we can spend a little bit of money getting a deck for the back yard and a new kitchen – then the house will be perfecto!

I think that the overriding feeling that I do have is that I am ready now. The house is almost ready, JourneyMan and I are at a good place in our relationship, we are both going well in our jobs, we are ready. It’s time for our baby to come now. Now, I have thought that before but I do feel it right to my heart right now.

It has been a really good weekend. I had my Mum and sister and two of her boys over on Friday for lunch. My sister brought around a gorgeous cot and a big bag of baby clothes that we could have. When she first told me that she could bring all the stuff around (after I let her know that we had gotten the room ready for the baby), I freaked out a bit. I wasn’t sure that it was a good idea to have all of the stuff in the house, I mean what if the cycle in Thailand is negative. Over time though, I have decided that regardless of how, we are going to have a baby so the room will be beautiful.

So when she brought over the cot and the clothes, I was quite excited and happy to put them in the room. I showed JourneyMan when he got home from work and then it was his turn to freak out a bit. He has recovered over the weekend and we even went to the shops today and got some stickers to decorate the room. The room now cannot be mistaken for anything else but a baby’s room – it makes me smile every time I go in there.

I have even posted some photo’s for you all!

Hope you like them. It is really countdown time now! In other news, I am continuing with the Progynova (estradiol) 3 times a day and there haven't been too many side affects apart from wicked bloating and a number of headaches. I have also started the Clexane (blood thinner) injections - have been doing them since we left for Perth and forgot to tell you. You know, they are definitely not as bad as I remembered - I guess one of the perks of doing IVF is how used to injections that I have gotten!

Anyway, that is all the news for right now. We are off into our last full week before we head off, I am SOOOO excited!!

Why do I want to be a mother?

I have been thinking about being a Mum lately. JourneyMan asked me very early on in our relationship why I wanted to be a mother. I stumbled over it at the time because how can you define something that you feel is your basic right? Over the years, I have come back to the question again and again. I don't really know if I have a better answer than it is something that I want in every fibre of my being.

I have always wanted to have a family of my own. There are a million reasons why and there are none. I guess one of the reasons that I stumbled to answer the question previously was that some part of me used to believe that it was for selfish reasons. So I would have the love of a child for the rest of my life, so that I would be surrounded by family, so that I would leave a legacy in the world. None of those reasons really mean that much to me though. Over the time of IF, I have become clearer.

One of the main things that I have realised is that I have an eternal well of love within me that I want to share with a child. Believe it or not, my JourneyDog that is Woolly is the one that has made me realise that. Unfortunately, he also bears the brunt of being treated like a baby at times (I have been known to blurt on his tummy - his response is to play bite my nose, he is unimpressed). It has been a good lesson in responsibility as well as consistency in discipline - he is a great teacher.

I also fear it as well, I mean - I don't want to be a bad parent. I am sure that many parents who are over protective or smothering or harsh on their child also have good intentions. After all, how do I know I will be a good mother?

I read an article whilst we were in Perth. It was talking about the global financial crisis and how more and more people are having to now wait for things instead of being able to buy them straight away. The article was talking about how making yourself wait for things can be more satisfying. I know that it is not the same thing (as we have been forced to wait rather than making the choice ourselves) but I did draw some comfort from the psychologist saying that after waiting for something that we really want, you feel a good deal more appreciation for the item than you would have if you were able to get it immediately.

I know I will appreciate this child when she (yes, I believe she is a she!!) comes along. I know that the waiting will have inceased that appreciation a thousand fold. I know that I will savour the moments more than I may have if motherhood had of come easier than it has. I know that my relationship with JourneyMan has deepened over the time of our wrestling with IF. It may have done so anyway but for me, I am blown away by the wonderful man that I am married to - his capacity for love, laughter and comfort - I am one lucky woman.

I think that our little holiday to Perth crystallised to me that there are positives that I have gained from the IF journey. The ability to cherish my relationship, the absolute appreciation when I finally hold that baby in my arms, that I believe in my own strength and resilience. I wish that it didn't have to be this way because it has been hard but I have to say, I am liking more and more what I see in the mirror and feel in my heart and that cannot be understimated.

So, why do I want to be a mother? I still can't tell you - it is in every corner of my being. Will I be a good mother - well, let's hope that I will find out soon.