JBB

JBB is all at once trying my patience and being totally gorgeous.  He is most definitely a toddler and is demanding his own way on many things.  I try to give him a choice most of the time but there are some non-negotiables (like holding hands in car parks and brushing teeth!!).  

I have been super proud of how he has taken to being a big brother, he is great - he loves Boo2 heaps.  It is amazing to see how he treats him and talks to him - he is really kind and loving to him.  He says 'Oh sweetie, what's wrong?', 'It will be okay, sweetie' when Boo2 is crying.  Every morning he comes to see him and says 'hello little fella' and gives him a kiss and a hug.  I'm proud of how he speaks to Boo2 because he has obviously learned how from us - that makes me feel like we are doing a reasonable job. 

He doesn't really have his afternoon sleep much anymore, which makes him very grumpy (and me a bit grumpy too) but 'quiet time' is also a non-negotiable - he spends this in his room and it is always a bit of a battle.  I hear him singing songs in there or telling stories, sometimes I hear him call people on his pretend phone.  Even though he is supposed to me quiet - it makes me smile when I hear him.  My younger sister says he has a  case of FOMO (fear of missing out) - I heartily agree.

He has remained a pretty cautious kid but day care has really helped him to come out of his shell.  I took him to the indoor park the other day with some girlfriends and their kids and he really joined in - previously, he would have hung back and asked me to go in with him - last week, he barrelled in on his own and played up a storm with the other kids.  Even though on one hand, I feel guilty about him going to day care, on the other, I think that he has a wonderful time and it has really helped him to socialise.  Last week, he got put into the kinder room for a little bit as he will be making the transition soon and he was so proud of himself, he told me about it around 10 times.

He loves playing with other kids - he absolutely adores all of his cousins.  He had a sleepover at my older sisters place on Saturday night and is still talking about how much fun he had.  I am looking forward to when Boo2 is walking and they are able to play and have fun together.  It makes me so happy that they will both have a built in mate for the rest of their lives - wonderful.  I just hope that we can help to nurture a lovely sibling relationship between the two of them.

He's at the age where he says funny things and I am sure that JourneyMan and I have bored many people telling him about the cute things that he says and does.  He is addicted to porridge at the moment and we always have a couple of flavours on hand.  He likes to say 'Which one my want, Mummy?' then he pauses to think 'Ummmmm, that one' - it's a little ritual every morning and it makes both JourneyMan and I smile. Interestingly enough, JBB has all of a sudden I have gone from being 'Mummy' to 'Mum' and now, strangely 'Mumma' - I don't know why.

On the other hand, he also can be so frustrating I want to scream.  I will ask him to do something and he says 'no' (over and over again).  I tell him to stop doing something and he won't.  When he goes to bed he wants his cars, his trains, his dummy washed, his nappy changed, his water bottle filled up, he asks for a cuddle, then to be tucked in, then another cuddle and then to be tucked in again.  In essence, he is a toddler asserting his independence and most of the time I am proud of that (sometimes I just want to tear my hair out).

I can't believe that this little boy who I nestled into the small space in my neck, he was so tiny when he was born, is turning 3 next month.  What a wonderful 3 years it has been and how time has flown.  

A whole lotta stuff going on….

The last couple of weeks have been very busy indeed.  Here’s an update on what’s been going on:

Boo2

I have been to see the OB and he is not too worried.  He is so okay with my progress that he has booked in the Ceasar for 7 May – 38 weeks & 4 days which is pretty ambitious considering all of my risk factors but if that is what the Doc thinks, I am super happy and I will be ecstatic to get to the 7^th of May.  I did have another scan last week to check to see if the cervix had settled and it has – though the numbers were a little weird, I did speak to the doctor about the scan and he is very happy about it.

Boo2 has been very active these past couple of weeks.  Kicking like mad, he is still breech so most of the kicks are right down the bottom in the under regions, if you get my meaning.  With JBB he kicked quite a bit but this Boo2 seems to be a bit more active, also JBB never hurt with his kicking but I have had a few swift suck in breaths as a result of some kicks from Boo2.  I am happy every time that I feel him move, I am just so glad that he there, growing and moving.  I am very, very excited to meet this active little boy – not too soon, the 7^th of May is absolutely soon enough, little man!

The cramps seem to be a bit more under control, thank goodness.  Mostly, I have found that if they arrive and I can lie down pretty much straight away, they don’t progress to the stage where I can barely walk.  When I spoke to my doctor, the one thing that I was most worried about was that I would dismiss labour as a bad case of cramps – he has said that I must time them and if they last for a minute and are five minutes apart, to call him.  I know it sounds strange that I would ask this but I have never been in labour, I am not 100% sure that I would recognise it – I mean der!!  I have also been trying to rest with my feet up as much as humanly possible.  I have been experiencing quite a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions, they don’t hurt, just something that I am aware of.

The other thing about this pregnancy is that I am absolutely huge.  I am retaining masses of fluid, the weather has been hot, hot, hot but that is summer in Australia, bloody hot.  We have been experiencing some cooler nights though just in the last week which has been nice.  In the afternoon and evening, I have absolutely burning hands and feet.  I hate to have anything on them and they have been so bad some days that I have gotten some ice bricks out of the freezer to hold in my hands to cool them and I can’t bear to have anything covering my hands and feet overnight – so I just have the doona over my middle – crazy!!  We still have a while to go of hot yet, it won’t really cool down for another month or so yet.

The other crazy thing that has been happening is that I have been having all sorts of crazy dreams – mainly of loved ones dying.  I keep waking up sobbing my eyes out.  I think I am doing a lot of working through my grief in my sleep.  I did have a dream about my Nanna and she was alive.  I talked to her and was with her for awhile but then she died again but when I woke up (crying) after the dream, even though it was still a really sad dream, I felt that my Nanna was with me and that Boo2 was being taken care of.  I haven’t been as worried since.

The Wedding

My younger sister got married on Friday night and it was the most wonderfully, beautiful night.  We had been dreaming of this day for her for a long, long time.  My Mum and I have been doing a lot of helping over the past weeks and it has been very busy but it was worth it – it was just fabulous.  The man that she has married is of Indian heritage so it was a lovely blend of Western and Hindu traditions.  We had some drama’s over the past month or so.  Originally, she had picked a dress for a garden wedding – this is because they were going to have a small, immediate family only wedding in October – they were hoping our Dad was going to be able to attend but when he died, they postponed it to a night wedding in February. She wanted to change her dress 3 weeks before the wedding day and when she originally called the bridal shop they said it was okay because they thought she was talking about next year.  By the time that we all realised the error, she was only able to pick a couple of different dresses.  Honestly, she is the only person I know who could go to a shop and all of the sample sizes fit her so thankfully, she had some options (if it was me, there would have been a snowballs chance in hell).  In the end, she got the most beautiful dress – she looked like a movie star.  

It was a lovely night but I couldn’t help but be in tears for much of it.  When my brother walked her down the aisle, I couldn’t help but think of my Dad and how much he would have wanted to be there, giving her away (my brother was amazing though).  There were beautiful tributes to Dad all night and I can’t even think about it without tears streaming down my face (as they are right now).  I am pretty sure that Dad was with us there on Friday night and I know that he would be over the moon happy for my sister.

That being said, there has been a super amount of work  that has gone into the wedding and I am glad that it is now over and I can concentrate what little energy that I have on getting ready for our little Boo2.  We were lucky enough to stay at the hotel the night of the wedding and JBB went with his Nanna after the ceremony so he could be in bed as close to his bedtime as possible.  JourneyMan and I had a lovely sleep in on Saturday morning and enjoyed breakfast with the Newlyweds (and a gang of others) before they flew out to Hawaii.  On Saturday, I slept from 10pm to 10am I was so exhausted and Sunday was a lovely family day, JourneyMan took JBB for his swimming lessons on Sunday morning and we all went to the park in the afternoon.  I am just soooo happy for my sister, she has all she has wished for in her life, a wonderful man and a gorgeous baby, it is just so amazing to see her so happy.

 

My Bestie

The other thing that has happened is that my bestie has found a lump in her breast.  I did know that she was going for the test but she didn’t tell me that they found something in January.  Her Mum has had both breasts removed because of cancer.  I am shocked, upset and worried but am trying to not look at any possibilities (except that it’s nothing) until there is something to be worried about.  This is my person, the one who has known me for the longest (apart from my family) and I just don’t want anything to happen to her.  At the moment, I am just trying to be there for her at this super scary time.  I am praying that she will get the best news possible on Thursday and all of the worry and uncertainty will be taken away from her.

A big update....

Wow, it has been awhile since I posted but most of that time was the Christmas rush as well as our holiday to the beach.  Here is a big update of what's been happening with everything over the past couple of weeks:

Christmas:

Well, Christmas was very full on.  The week before Christmas was a blur of packing, getting final presents, wrapping and helping out my Mum because she had 20 people over to her place for a Christmas gathering on the Sunday and 20 people coming over for Christmas lunch on Christmas day.  It was crazy times.  The Sunday of the Christmas gathering for my Mum's brother and his family was massively hot - originally we were going to have it outside but it was just too hot so we had our day inside.  JBB was also really tired and we were going to leave early because I thought we had no chance of being able to get him to have a sleep while all the kids were playing but he came up to me and said 'tired Mummy', so I put him to bed and he had about 2 hours sleep which was fabulous.

On Christmas eve, I spent the day finishing our packing for our trip away.  I also had packed us all bags for Christmas day because we would be leaving at 7am and would not be back to the house until after 9pm.  Once I had most of our house in order, I went around to my Mum's place and helped her get ready for the 20 people Christmas lunch.  I also had to make my maple syrup pork belly and a dessert for Christmas night with JourneyMan's family.

My younger sister is getting married in the New Year to a lovely man of Indian heritage and we always have dinner together at my Mum's place on Christmas eve and watch the Carols by Candlelight on the TV.  This year we decided to honour the Thai and Indian heritage in our families and we made a Thai and Indian feast, it was delicious!!  Thankfully it wasn't too late a night because we knew that Christmas day was going to be a very full on day.

On Christmas morning, JBB was up at 5:15am and Father Christmas had visited this very good boy!! It took him a little bit of time to get in the hang of opening up the presents but after awhile, he was very proficient and 'ripping it'.  He had such a good morning.  Father Christmas gave him some clothes, some Thomas train tracks and trains and a new bike - he was very, very spoilt!!

After a play with the toys and a shower and bath for everyone, we headed over to Mum's place for another round of presents (we were all very spoiled!!) and breakfast.  It was a big cooking day so basically we were cooking and organising from about 9:30am to we sat down to lunch at about 1pm.  Lunch was a bit scattered this year so we are looking at a change of format for next year to make it a bit easier for everyone involved!!

After lunch it was more presents and Christmas pudding and then we watched the dvd of photo's from my Dad's funeral - we wanted to have some recognition of him and it was nice to see all the lovely photos again.  It was very emotional though and thoughout Christmas time, I found I was grieving a lot of the time.  My Dad loved Christmas and I missed him so much, it was very hard.

After that we headed on the 90min drive to JourneyMan's sister's place for Christmas dinner and presents with JourneyMan's family.  The drive was super tough, JourneyMan needed to have a sleep so I drove most of the way and by the time we got there, we were all exhausted.  It was nice to see JourneyMan's family and spend time and have presents with them but it was 9pm by the time we got home and it was just too much in one day.  We are going to have to think about what will happen next year because that was really too much.

Once we got home, we finished our packing and took down the Christmas tree and tried to clean up as much as possible - we needed an early night because we were leaving for our holiday the next day at 4am.

Boxing Day

As it happens, I set the alarm to pm rather than am so we didn't get quite the early start that we wanted. We ended up leaving at 5:30am but that was okay because we still missed most of the traffic and JBB was pretty good in the car.  We stopped about 90 mins down the road for breakfast and then stopped again around 90mins later to take JBB to a big park along the way.  We had a pretty good break there and then continued on for the rest of the 7 hour trip.  JBB fell asleep so we continued to drive and he didn't wake until we almost reached our destination which was fantastic.  We stayed in a cabin and got ourselves organised and unpacked.  My brother, his wife and their 2 daughters arrived about 2 hours after us so we went and helped them to set up their tent.  My Mum, Sister and two of her boys arrived a couple of hours after that and we were all there.  We had an early night and commenced our holiday.

Holiday

I can't believe how quickly those 10 days went - it was like the blink of an eye.  JBB had the best time every day playing with his cousins and there was never ending entertainment with a pool, a playground with a jumping pillow and the beach all within a few minutes walk of our cabin.  JBB was beside himself he was so happy.  The weather was beautiful though we didn't do a great deal of sight seeing because we were a bit like slaves to JBB's schedule.  He gets up between 5-6am so JourneyMan and I take turns in getting up with him and taking him away so that the other one can have a sleep in and I tell you, I needed it, I was absolutely exhausted.  Thankfully, JBB still has his afternoon sleep so most days I also had an afternoon sleep - it was bliss.  I got a lot of reading and sleeping done on the holiday but that was about it.

It was very sad up there too though.  My Mum and Dad started taking us to this holiday place when I was about 8 years old - we have all been going up there ever since.  It was very hard this year up there without Dad and sometimes I was overwhelmed with sadness.   I know that it is stupid and doesn't make sense but I think some part of me was hoping that he would be there when we went there because he always was.  We are thinking it might be our last year of going up there though I am not sure of it yet - we will look at our options.

Home

We got home on Saturday and immediately set about unpacking, washing and cleaning the house.  We both had to go back to work on Monday so we had to get on to things straight away.  Yesterday was a pretty lazy day though I had the cramps and a headache big time so I didn't get to organise our food for the week - looks like it is going to be a bit of a slap dash week.

Boo2 (New baby)

So, most of the time everything has been going well with Boo2.  Before Christmas I rented a doppler because I was starting to have panic attacks that something was wrong and this helped to keep everything on track.  Most of the time I have been feeling pretty good but the cramps are becoming more and more frequent now which is not only painful but very worrying (even though I had this with JBB, I still can't stop myself from worrying).  They have been so bad that I have been having trouble walking, yesterday was an especially bad bout.

21 week scan

So, Boo2 is growing well and is measuring correctly and in the anatomy scan, we have found that everything is in its rightful place but today we found out that I have only a 2 vessel placenta and not the normal 3 vessel one.  I have read up what this means on the internet and I am very scared though I am trying to keep my panic to a minimum until I see the OB tomorrow - then I have many, many questions to ask.  I hope and pray that everything is okay with my little baby boy, Boo2 but as usual, the panic threatens to take over at any minute.  I am very worried.

Much to Tell...

There has been a lot going on over here.  Last Saturday would have been my Dad's 70th birthday so it was a pretty sad day.  We got together as a family and celebrated his birthday together.  I miss him.  I know that people expect you to get over these things very quickly but it is not so easy.  I still have a cry about it most weeks.  I cried on the way to work this morning.  I went to the market in the morning on Saturday and what with the emotionality of the rest of the day, I was exhausted when I got home and I started getting cramps - cramps in a position that I had never gotten them before - immediately, I started to worry.

JourneyMan takes JBB to swimming lessons on Sunday mornings so I was free to have a sleep in and even though I went to bed at 9:30pm, I didn't wake up until 9:50am - what!?!?!  I did have a couple of get ups to go to the loo but still, that is one loooooong sleep.  I felt so much better after it such an amazing rest and even though the weather was beautiful on Sunday, we had a nice quiet family day at home in the backyard.  The cramps didn't come back so I relaxed a bit.

I got a call from my Mum at 6am on Monday morning telling me that she was sick and could I work from her place because she couldn't take care of JBB on her own.  Of course I said yes but when I got there, she was worse than I thought, she couldn't lift her hands above her head, she couldn't do up her bra or pull up her pants the whole way.  I was REALLY worried.  I took her up to the doctors and it turns out that she has polymyalgia.  It's a condition that causes pain and stiffness in the joints. Unfortunately, in the course of getting JBB in and out of the car so many times, I did my back (which is always pretty dodgy anyway).  When I got home that night, I was absolutely exhausted again.  Interestingly enough, the drug that they have prescribed Mum is the same one that I have on the cycles - a steroid to help the pain and reduce inflammation.

Thankfully, when I called my Mum the next day, she had already started to feel a little better.  My back was also feeling a little better on Tuesday but still a little tender.  In the afternoon, the cramps came back with a vengeance and were accompanied by a discharge.  I immediately packed up my work and left.  I called the OB on the way home, he said that even though it was in a different area than I normally have - this was in the cervix, he thought it was still stretching pains but because of my uterus shape (which is linked with incompetent cervix), he wanted me to go in for an ultrasound the following day, despite having one booked for Thursday.  I was worried, I couldn't help but imagine the worst.  I tried to put it out of my mind as much as possible but I was still worried.

JourneyMan and my Bestie came with me to the scan - I really wanted my people with me to have the support.  Thankfully, the scan revealed a delightful picture of the new but and we could see the heartbeat straight away, I breathed a huge sigh of relief.  The baby is measuring perfectly and everything is going really, really well.

I am happy to reveal that we are having........ A BOY!!!  We are SOOOOOOO happy!!  There was a moment of sadness that I won't experience having a daughter but that evaporated quickly and a smile has been on my face since.  I am destined to be surrounded by blokes - even JourneyDog who is Woolly is a boy.  I am in love with our new little baby boy already and I am so very happy that we will all be a family.

They checked my cervix and everything there is perfect as well so we are still very much on track.  

The other lovely news is that I can feel my darling boy moving - I don't think that I had forgotten how special this was but it is such a special time.  Only I can feel him moving, it's our own little special secret.

JBB is also a complete and utter darling.  Today, we experienced a ridiculously hot, 39 degree day (102 F) - our hottest November day since 1997.  I thought I would take JBB to the pool straight after day care because really there was no other way to get really cool.  We normally go to a pool near to our old house but in my wisdom, I thought I would try the one a little closer to the new house.  Wrong, there was massive construction going on there and we ended up walking for 20mins in the blazing sun to get to the pool.  I was not feeling great and must of been whinging a bit because JBB said 'Mummy, stop, hugs' - he gave me a hug to feel better.  He is honestly the sweetest little boy that ever lived.  I am a little ashamed that I had to be comforted by my two year old but also proud that he has the ability to give comfort. Every day, he amazes me with the new words that he knows, the songs he can sing and the jokes that he can tell - he just loves to make us laugh.  

Now that I know that the baby is a boy, I still can't help but be a little sad that he won't meet my Dad and I don't want him to feel a bit left out that he didn't get to meet him when JBB did.  A thought struck me this morning though, maybe my Dad went to get our darling boy and make sure that he got to us.   That makes the relationship between the two special.  I have resolved to tell our new little baby boy this when I tell him about my Dad.  It feels like the truth to me too.

A very big week in the Journey household.  

Good news, bad news (Welcome ICLW!!)

Firstly, welcome to ICLWers – I am very pleased that you have stopped by! As a quick recap on my story. My husband and I met 6 years ago and were married in 2007. We knew from the outset that we would need intervention to have children as he had had a vasectomy. What we didn’t know was that I have a congenital deformity, unicornuate uterus (in essence there are two and they are non-communicating) as well as only one kidney. I also have a blood clotting disorder call factor V leiden and as we also found out, am a poor responder to IVF stim drugs. We had 5 failed fresh cycles of IVF until we decided to ditch my eggs and go to Thailand to have a donor cycle with a Thai woman’s eggs (we love her!!). Thankfully our first donor cycle was a great success and we have a beautiful 15month old boy thanks to the Thailand 1 cycle. In October this year we went to Thailand again (Thailand 2) to see if we could get a sister or a brother for our darling boy (using the same donor) but the cycle was negative BUT we did get 5 gorgeous frozen embryo’s so the intention is for me to go back to Thailand in late December to try a FET (Thailand 2.1) and that is where the drama is right now!!!

Okay, so yesterday I left you in despair. My period had not come, I was waiting for the Thailand doctor to get back to me with a course of action and I had basically started to accept that our Thailand 2.1 cycle was just not going to happen in late December. I finally heard back from the clinic and basically all it said was ‘that sounds strange, please see your local doctor’. I called my Melbourne Fertility Specialist and his secretary said that he would call me back after he had finished consulting for the day. Sure enough, he called me back and I filled him in on the situation. He basically (not in these words) told me that I was carrying on about nothing and that sometimes a period doesn’t come when you are on the pill because apparently the lining can be so thin, there is nothing to shed – okay. He said that I should start back on the BCP and continue with the schedule. He said that I needed a different kind of pill so that it would build up the lining so that it would shed next time. He asked all about the protocol that I was doing and I told him and then he said that to be 100% sure I could book in to see him before I am due to start the Progynova and he can check my lining to make sure everything is okay.

He was soooooo reassuring that he even said to me that I most likely wouldn’t need to come and see him, I could just trust that everything would be okay. I said ‘please, of course, I am going to come and see you, how long have you known me for – I need to be as sure as possible!!’. So I am feeling much better today. Despite the fact that the cycle could still be cancelled on the 14th December when I go to see him, I will be confident that it is going to be cancelled for a very valid reason and that the cycle will probably not have worked anyway. However, if he does give the go ahead, I will go to Thailand more confident than I have ever had before. Both times previously, I had no monitoring in Melbourne so it was always a ‘suck it and see’ situation when we first got to the clinic.

Whilst the news is not all good – I mean how can ‘wait and see’ be classed as good news, waiting is never freaking good news in my book - I feel very confident now that we have a workable plan. I am calmed by the fact that my Melbourne Fertility Specialist has now entered the fray because now I can have some certainty that everything is going well before I even get on the plan (if I get to!!).

So, I am back hoping that December is going to be Thailand 2.1 but I am also in the frame of mind that if it gets cancelled in mid-December, there will be a damn good reason.

Going through the past few weeks has made me realise how lucky I am. I have honestly, the best Fertility Specialist in Melbourne (perhaps the world), I have an amazing support group around me, JourneyMan is my rock and refused to panic despite me being in a flap for the past 3 days, my bestie listens to the crap that I spew out ad nauseam and my family all offered to help babysit in shifts if we need to delay the cycle and JourneyMan had to go back to work.

Of course, lastly but not least, I have all of my friends out there in blogland – thank you to all of you who have commented and offered words of support over the past few weeks (old friends and new!!), each and everyone has helped in their own little way.

So, on we go…….

News (and another cute pic!!)

Well, we are trying for some semblance of a routine at the moment and (cross your fingers) it seems to be going pretty well. We are only talking at night - his days are still pretty much up in the air but nights are pretty good. He starts winding down at 7pm with a bath (with Mum), a massage (from Dad), a story, a feed and then to sleep - generally between 7:30-8pm. I then wake him up gently for a top up feed at 11pm (read about doing this in a book and it seems to work) and then he sleeps through to between 5:30-6:30pm. It's nice to have a small bit of a routine after the chaos (blissfully wonderful chaos!!) of the past month.

That brings me on to an issue that I have been feeling. JourneyMan, JBB and I are currently attending a local council run course called 'Baby Makes 3' for new parents. Since I believe in trying anything to see if it works, we attended the first of 3 sessions last Thursday. It was excellent and has made for some interesting (and some heated) discussions between JourneyMan and I. At the course, I realised that I had been holding back from saying anything negative about having JBB - basically because I didn't think that I had any right to because of what we went through to have him.

There is not anything really negative, it is just that some days can be pretty challenging and my goodness, the worry - both JourneyMan and I have not been able to help ourselves from checking the little popsicle is breathing - sometimes he is so quiet it is scary. I absolutely 100% know that I am lucky and I am completely grateful for the gift that we have been given but does that mean that I can't express my feelings? I had also avoided doing it on this blog because I know that many, many people out there are continuing to fight the battle of IF and I don't want to be insensitive to their plight. I would love it if anyone could help me out with some advice here!!

I do feel stressed at the moment. JourneyMan lost his job a couple of weeks ago and it is getting to the point where if he doesn't get something soon, I might have to ask if I can go back to work earlier. I know that it is crazy but I feel a bit like that the price that I have to pay for having my dream come true is that I have to go back to work and not be with my gorgeous boy for all of his 'firsts' and to nurture and care for him. That being said, JourneyMan does have a few good prospects on the go at the moment and I am hopeful that he will be able to secure something very soon!!

News about JBB - he is 5.2kg's (11lb's) now and growing very well. He has the most beautiful skin I have ever seen. He is now smiling in response to us and laughing as well - my sister and I call him the time muncher because we can spend hours trying to make him smile and laugh. JourneyMan and I both read to him everday - mainly books that we are reading ourselves but also some children's books too. I love singing to him - though my voice is terrible, poor kid!! Despite the stress, despite the tiredness, despite any minor niggle that there is in my life - I feel absolute and utter joy every day - I mean who wouldn't looking at this face.....

Nothing can prepare you!

Firstly, thanks to all for you comments and best wishes - both JourneyMan and I are touched by your lovely words and thoughts!

Secondly, let me bring you up to date on what has been happening. We are finally home from the hospital but not without a little drama. We had a private room at the hospital which was lovely and Journeyman stayed in the hospital the whole time. He has been absolutely wonderful and has been there helping and supporting me unbelievably well.

On Thursday after the ceasar, we had a few visitors in the afternoon, my Mum, Dad and younger sister dropped by, then JourneyMan's mum and youngest sister came, my bestie dropped by and then we had my older sister and her 3 boys who were absolutely fascinated to see JBB. I thought that I would be a bit overwhelmed to have visitors but I was thrilled to show him off!! We did bundle the visitors out whenever I needed to feed JBB though, I couldn't have done that in front of everyone.

I wasn't out of bed until Friday when they took out the catheter and drip and it was pretty painful to get to the shower first up. The mid-wife helped me to the shower and then I was able to get myself washed, though she did give me some help getting dressed. It was great on Friday to start really taking care of our little bundle - honestly, I have never been so happy in my life!! My bestie dropped in again on Friday night which was wonderful.

Saturday and Sunday went by with more visitors and learning how to take care of JBB more and more. I must confess that by this point, I had not changed a nappy, JourneyMan had done them all - he is amazing! We weren't getting much sleep as we were up changing and feeding but we were still euphoric so it didn't matter how tired we were! We were really happy on Sunday night because we would be going home the next day and were really looking forward to getting home and starting our family life in our house.

Sunday night was horrible. JBB was up all night screaming. There was nothing that we could do to comfort him, he had been fed, changed, rocked, sung to - everything we could think of. I checked in my book to see if there was something we were missing. I called the mid-wife in to see if she had any ideas, she basically said that there was nothing further we could do. This frustrated the hell out of me because he really was screaming and I really thought that it must be because there was something wrong. Nothing can prepare you for a night like that. I felt so powerless because he was upset and nothing I did gave him any comfort - it was terrible.

Finally the morning rolled around and before we left, had to be weighed. This was when we found out that he had lost more than 10% of his body weight at birth. I immediately started crying - I felt like a failure, I had been starving my son, no wonder he was up screaming all night. The obstetritian came to see us and I told him about some clots that I had passed the day before (TMI but they were almost as big as my fist) and he suspected that I had an infection. He suggested that we would probably need to stay for another night because of JBB's weight and my infection.

I was devastated, I really wanted to go home and I just couldn't stop crying because I really felt that I had starved my baby. They told me to start expressing my breast milk to give JBB some top up's at each feed and when I called my mum and sobbed to her about it - she was ropable because she said that the mid-wife should have at least suggested trying out a feed of formula when JBB had not slept all night on Sunday night - she was going to come in and give her a piece of her mind but I told her not to.

I saw the lactation specialist on Monday and she told me that I definitely had enough milk coming through so JBB should be getting enough to eat but clearly that wasn't happening. By Monday afternoon, I realised through expressing that I was getting less and less milk as the day went on - I felt like I was seriously under pressure because I wasn't getting enough milk and I didn't want JBB to lose any more weight - I also didn't want to have to stay another night in the hospital which there was a very real risk of. I called in the day midwife and had a chat to her and asked if we could start a top up of formula from the next feed on - she was absolutely wonderful and came up with a great plan and really talked me down from blaming myself - it was a great relief.

JourneyMan then had to go home because he was working on Tuesday and we needed my Mum to come and pick me up so he dropped our car off (with the baby seat) to my Mum so she could come in in the morning. Journeyman rode back in on his motorbike. On Sunday night I came back to the room after being in the breastfeeding room with the lactation consultant and practically all of JourneyMan's family were there - I nearly had a heart attack - I'd had a very trying day after a night of no sleep, I didn't think I could handle it. I left JBB with them so they could visit with him and I went back to the breastfeeding room to do some milk expressing. When I came back, I felt better and had a good visit with them - though Journeyman didn't let them stay to long which was much appreciated.

On Monday night, I got up every 3 hours to feed JBB and express milk - I didn't get more than an hour to 90 mins of sleep in a row that night as I wanted JourneyMan to have a full night's sleep as he had to work the next day. Finally, 5am rolled around again and we called for JBB to get weighed - we waited with bated breath and to our great relief, he had put on 150grams - quite a big amount in one day I am told (they hope that at this point they are gaining around 200g a week!!). We were esctatic - we were going home!!!

Excitement!!

I have started to get really, really excited now! There is so much going on and so much still left to do but I have started to allow myself to really get excited now. I say 'allow myself' because most of the time during the pregnancy I have put the stoppers on the excitement. Firstly, I wanted to get to 12 weeks before I could get excited, then I wanted to get to 20 weeks because that seemed like a good milestone. Then I was aiming for 29 weeks because 90% of babies survive if they are born at this point, now I am 31 weeks and I feel like I can finally get excited about our little JBB.

Alot of this is because of a conversation that I had with another contractor at work, his wife is 4 weeks behind me and last week he was very happy that they had reached the 3rd trimester. He also said that he realised that the worrying doesn't stop about the baby for the rest of his life now and that really set a light bulb off in my head. I am never going to stop worrying that something may happen to our JBB but I am now not going to stop me getting excited about meeting him and taking care of him. I am sure that most of you are thinking '**sigh**, about time!!' and I wouldn't blame you, gosh, I have been doom and gloom alot throughout this pregnancy - grateful - yes, cautiously optimistic - yes but happy and excited - well, that has just kicked in now - better late than never hey!! I am going to have to make the most of every minute over the next 6 and a half weeks until our precious little bundle is born!

In other news, we are still living at my Mum and Dad's place, we are back in our own place tomorrow (yay!!). It hasn't been as bad as I thought it was going to be but all the same - I will be happy to have my own space back again! It has been pretty restful not thinking 'I have to do this and this and this' every minute of the day and the weekend was pretty cruisy, thank goodness. There is still quite a bit to do at our house, though most of the big things have been done - the backyard is a bit of a bugger though - I have to see what we can do there quite quickly. I am hoping to get the painting in the kitchen done by the end of this week and hopefully the kitchen floating floors and the last few items can be finished by the end of next week, that would be fabulous! I only have 2 weeks of work left and I am looking forward to finishing up. I have the baby shower this Saturday, I am not really looking forward to it that much but I am sure that it will be nice on the day.

Well, best be off - hope you all are well, I have alot of blog reading to catch up on!!

Overwhelmed....

I have been a bad, bad blogger. Time seems to be slipping away without me even knowing it and the crazy part of it is, I have badly needed to blog to get some of the emotional turmoil from me but just haven't had a chance to sit down and do it.

Firstly, let me just update you on where everything is at with the various areas of our lives.

JourneyBabyBoy - is going very, very well. He is growing gangbusters though I only know from the feel of him because the weekly scans are over and done. Last Friday felt a bit weird cos I didn't have to get up and go to see my little man. He is moving around quite alot and I have heard of some pregnant ladies complaining that their little one keeps them up at night with movement, I love each and every move as it provides me with assurance that he is all well and good. That being said, it is getting harder and harder to sleep so I do understand where these mums-to-be are coming from but for me, if I have to be woken at night, that is a reason that I am happy with (an example of a reason why I have trouble sleeping at night is that JM and I watched Paranormal on pay TV the other week and I woke up in fear a few times the night after - der, I mean how dumb can I be?!?!). Anyway, the upshot is that JBB is going well and my stomach seems to be doubling in size on a weekly basis which is great!! I have an appointment with the OB on Monday (I am on appointments every 3 weeks at the moment) and so I am hoping to continue on in the good books! Oh and I forgot - my second gestational diabetes test came up negative - whoo hooo!

At home the renovations continue apace and the laundry is done (waiting for it to dry and the kitchen is almost done, we just have the painting and floors left to go and I am hoping that the much longed for dishwasher is installed by the time I get home tonight. We have the electrician coming tomorrow to finish off the electrical work and over the weekend we need to move all of the house into the kitchen, bathroom, garage and laundry so that we can get the floorboards polished and we are going to be living with my Mum and Dad for at least a week. I am not really looking forward to this because I just have had a run in with my Dad today because of his agressive shouting at my Mum, he was being extremely bullying and blaming her for his situation and even though I know that the sickness contributes to this, I cannot have him bullying my Mum in my presence - it's not on. After they left for awhile, I was so shaken that I cried for awhile. Anyway, moving in with them for a week is not going to be really fun - I am pretty much dreading it but we don't have anywhere else to go.

So, onto my emotions - as you can see from the above - the rollercoaster continues. I am finding everything extremely overwhelming at the moment and am finding that the smallest thing will cause me to overreact hugely. The main way that I deal with emotionality is to remove myself from people as I am extremely afraid of yelling at the them, saying something that I regret, reacting to something that they said or crying in front of them. It makes me very happy that I have a flexible work environment and can work from home alot of the time so that I can avoid being in situations where I will get emotional around people. The trouble is that for the past few weeks I have had people in the house pretty much the whole time so I have not had an escape and things have happened - especially today. I had the run in with my Dad but also had a run in with one of my bosses - I apologised for it but am very unimpressed with my behaviour. I feel like I am drowning in emotions!

The other reason that I am feeling overwhelmed is that JM and I went to a Post Natal, Early Childhood class on Monday night and honestly, they must have packed 8 hours worth of information into the 3 1/2 hour class - my head was absolutely spinning. This class really brought out the fear in me - What if I can't cope? What if I have waiting all this time and gone through all of these things and am a terrible mother? What if I wreck this little JBB's life? Honestly, I guess it is not just about being overwhelmed and hormones but it is just straight out and out fear. Hopefully I will get myself together soon.

I will try to update again in the next couple days but with having to pack and move practically the whole house, I think it will be after the OB's appointment on Monday. I will also endeavour to catch up on where you are all at - I haven't had a chance to read any blogs - hope you are all going well!!

Lots of information...

It has been a tough, tough week. I don't think I have ever been so exhausted in all of my life. Let's start with the work front:

JourneyMan has started his new job and is going well, sounds like he is enjoying it though of course there is a steep learning curve in those first few weeks! My work is going okay though I only have around 5-6 weeks left and I have absolutely stacks to do!

On the home front, the renovations are in full swing. We had all of the new appliances delivered on Tuesday (except for the long awaited dishwasher which is on back order - doh!). On Wednesday we had the plumber and electrician come by to do the rough in for the kitchen and on Thursday, the installer put in all of the cabinetry. My goodness, I am blown away by how fantastic it is - we have gone from tiny 1970 kitchen to huge, functional 2010 kitchen - fabulous!! Friday, the electrician came back to put in all of the new powerpoints and a saftey switch (very important!) but he still has a couple of days work still to do. We still need to tile the splash back, paint, get the gas cooktop and dishwasher connected by the plumber and put in the new floating floorboards so this week will be more of people coming and going in the house all week.

I am finding that very difficult as I wasn't able to have an afternoon sleep any day except Friday last week which made me get tireder and tireder as the week wore on. This brings me to my next update.

Pregnancy update. I had my 28 week visit with the OB and everything went swimmingly - JourneyBaby is growing nicely, the cervix is behaving well and we are booked in for the ceaserean on the 19th August - yay!! This is also my older sisters birthday and she is chuffed to be sharing her birthday with her new nephew!! On the same day, I had the glucose tolerance test to see if I am at risk of gestational diabetes and I got the result on Thurday - unfortunately, yes I am at risk. This meant that I had to have another test, a fasting one that would take my glucose levels over 2 hours which I did on Friday. I don't have the result of that test as yet. I am really hoping that I don't have GD as I am worried about my one kidney and hoping that it won't damage it. I feel a bit put upon testing high in the glucose because my glucose levels have always been good before so it was one thing that I wasn't particularly worried about and considering the high risk nature of this pregnancy and all of the additional monitoring, tests and additional drugs and injections I have had to have, I was really hoping to be spared this. I will most likely find out tomorrow.

I also caught JourneyMan's cold during the week so this didn't help matters. I am absolutely exhausted but there is a very real positive side to everything. If I have to go on a special diet for the GD, it will be healthier for JBB. The more the people are coming in and out of the house, the sooner the house will be ready and done! I am hoping that this week will be a better week - hopefully I will throw off this cold and gets some extra sleep so that I can feel a bit better!

Great News!!

Firstly, let me say to all of you - thank you for your comments about my last post about the baby shower - it really helped. So also did having a vent to my mum and then working through the options with my bestie again. Basically I have now vented all of my anger and angst over the whole thing and I am almost finished getting the list of names and addresses together, I am then going to have a break about thinking it and then enjoy the day!! I have realised that my aunt is throwing the shower for me out of the goodness of her heart and whilst there are people coming who I probably wouldn't have invited, I now think - whatever! So, thank you all to allowing me to vent out this prob and to my bestie, who is the best bestie in the world, thanks for always being there - you are fabulous!

In other news, JourneyMan got himself a job - whoo hooo!! SOOOOOOO very happy, relieved and excited!! It sounds like a pretty good one too which is great. I think that it will be a really good development role for him. We went out to dinner tonight to celebrate. It was also 5 years since we met today and it is also 8 years since I have been sober. The 25th of May is a really good day for us!!

Just to catch you up on the news from last week's scan. JourneyMan and my mum came along to this one and all was great until they measured the cervix, which they measured at 29mm, this was 4mm down from last week and only 4mm away from the trouble zone. JourneyMan and I started freaking (my Mum was pretty oblivious because she has trouble hearing and couldn't hear what was going on). The sonographer went and got the doctor and he said that there was a part of the cervix that was hidden that she hadn't measured, so it ended up being 35mm which was a little bit higher than last week so we breathed a huge sigh of relief.

In other news, we have started the ball rolling on getting our kitchen done. This is such great news because we have a kitchen that was done in the 70's and is completely not functional. We will be getting a dishwasher - a hugely coveted item of JourneyMan's and mine - we are very, very excited. We are also looking to get a decking put out in our backyard and getting the floorboards polished all before our little JourneyBabyBoy comes along - it is going to be a busy few months but very rewarding!!

I am SOOOO happy right now - I feel like a huge weight has lifted off me with JourneyMan getting his job (I think that he feels the same way as well). I feel like I can now really enjoy the next few months which is a great relief!!

Thanks again for all of your support, gang!!!

A whole lotta info..

Well – a lot has been happening and I am very sorry not to have been giving more regular updates. Here is a big update on how last week went:

JourneyBabyBoy: There is not a huge amount happening each week with the pregnancy but that does not mean that the week was not filled with drama! Last week I started being really dizzy again. So much so, that I fell over in the bedroom when I was getting changed and also had the room spinning when I was lying down – not good. Friday’s weekly scan went well – once I got there!! My Mum has been desperate to come to one of the scans so she can see her grandchild (thankfully even though she already has 5 grandies, she is still SOOOO excited for more!) so she came on Friday with me.

Originally, I was going to pick her up in the morning but because I had been so dizzy I asked her to drive. Well, about half way there, her car overheated. We were really stressed out because we were in peak hour traffic and were pushed to get to the appointment on time. We pulled up in a side street (crossed our fingers that we wouldn’t get a ticket) and decided to jump on a tram into the city. From looking at the map, the tram was only a block away but I tell you, it was at the top of the hugest hill, more like a mountain!! We huffed and puffed our way up to the top – I am telling you, it was the longest block ever and I gave the imaging place a call to let them know I was running late (they told me that the patient before me was going to be a long one so we were okay).

Then we had to worry about the new ticketing system as neither of us take public transport very often and didn’t have a new pass, so we had to hope that they still were transitioning the system and we could pay cash – luckily we could! We finally got to the appointment half an hour late and I had just enough time to go to the loo and then I was called in. JourneyBabyBoy is going very well – measurements are all good! He had the hiccups, which made my Mum and I have a chuckle!

The way back was a lot more relaxing and after we had filled the car up with water, we went to a café and had a hot drink and a muffin – lovely!!

My stomach is now starting to pop out though JourneyMan has said that you still wouldn’t assume that I was pregnant by just looking at me – hmmmm, I guess that means that I am looking like I have put on weight on my stomach, boooo. I do feel huge already – gosh knows what I will feel like in a few months! I can also feel where my uterus is, I think mainly because it is only on the left because of the wonky shape that I have – I am wondering if my tummy is going to look lopsided later on – that will be weird!!

We had our 16 week OB appointment on Wednesday and all went swimmingly well!! He said that all of my ultrasounds and tests were perfect and we got to hear JBB’s heartbeat again – is there any more gorgeous sound! The doc confirmed that I have low blood pressure and so I have to be careful not to get overheated (hard when the air-conditioning at work is only working 60% - I tell you, as soon as my meetings are done, I get home to the air-con asap, it’s Autumn now in Melbourne but the weather has still been pretty hot – especially this last week!!). I also cannot stand for too long and must keep myself well hydrated, all fairly easy things to do which is fine! That is it for the JBB update – all going fabulously well, yay!

Work: I have been very, very busy as four more sites went live this week and it wasn’t the best go live that I have ever had. I am glad to have the work but am hoping that it won’t be as stressful over the coming few months. JourneyMan has also found out that his role will be finishing up at the end of April so he has been applying to every job going around and he has some promising prospects. I am not stressed right now but I will be if he doesn’t get a job soon!

Home: Well it is spreadsheets galore in preparation for the great renovation!! We are gradually getting started on things and hopefully it will all get done fairly quickly so that the house won’t be a dysfunctional mess for much longer!!

Sorry for the long post – I swear I will catch up on my reading and commenting soon!!

We're Back and things are heating up!!

Hello ICLW's - sorry but this is not a welcome post though you can find a bit more info about me here.

Well we got back from Perth at 4am this morning and I am a little weary I can tell you! We had a wonderful trip though the much lauded Perth beach weather deserted us and it was a pretty chilly. We only got to swim once and that was yesterday. The rest of the time the wind was absolutely bitter!

We left on Wednesday afternoon on a very hot day in Melbourne and arrived in Perth after a 4 and a half hour flight (and 3 hour time change) tired but excited. It was very cold when we got off the plane and we realised that we didn't really bring clothes that were appropriate for the cooler weather - doh! On Thursday, JourneyMan and I spent most of the day catching up on sleep and reading which was nice and then went to JourneyMan's cousin's house for his birthday BBQ. Thankfully, JourneyCousin lent me a warm jumper for the rest of the trip. It was a fun night getting to know some new people!

On Friday, JourneyMan and I spent the day touring around Perth - we went to Fremantle which is an old colonial area of Perth where the docks are - it was really nice there. On Friday night, JourneyMan's brother and his girlfriend also flew in from Melbourne so there was plenty of company for the trip. JourneyMan went out on Friday night with his cousin and brother and a host of other people - I stayed in the room for some rest, I am not a huge party animal at the best of times but as you know, I am trying to be as relaxed as possible in the lead up to the cycle.

On Saturday, we finally ventured to the beach but it was still too cold so we quickly hot footed it out of there and had a nice lunch before going to the party on Saturday night. It was a fab night - alot of fun though not too late, thankfully! Yesterday we did some more exploring of the city and then had lunch at JourneyMan's aunt's house before we dropped JourneyMan's brother and girlfriend off at the airport. We had a few hours to kill to our flight so we decided to see a movie before checking in to our flight. We learnt some valuable lessons last night. Firstly, make sure that the movie does not go for an obsene amount of time before deciding to see it. We saw 2012 and had to leave the movie early or we would have missed checking in to our flight. Secondly, it is probably not a good idea to see an action movie, leave at the climax and only leave yourself barely enough time to check in before the flight closes. We ran out of the movie before it finished, had to fill up the rental car with petrol before putting it back and had to read the drop off instructions for the rental car en route. We got to the flight check in 5 minutes before they closed the flight and we felt like we were in our own action movie!! It took us awhile to relax after that experience I tell you!

Now it is 16 days until we go to Thailand - wow, things are really starting to move fast now! Of course, my contrary period decided to come early (yesterday) and so when I let the clinic know, they have made some changes to the cycle. I have started to take the progynova today and then egg pick up for the donor will now be on the 12th of December and the transfer will be on the 17th. It is getting really exciting. I have to say that I spent alot of time thinking about the cycle in Perth, I am very, very hopeful.

Now, I am a bit nervous about what has happened at work while I have been away but we will see what happens when I get in there tomorrow!