Humpty Dumpty

I have tried to write this post numerous times but I am having trouble expressing anything at the moment.

I had a meltdown last week, not least because the last few months have been pretty rough. Two failed cycles, JBB getting sick and my Dad with the cancer back. I feel very locked down. Locked down in an emotional sense. I think when JBB got sick, I reached my limit of what I could cope with, so I have stuffed my feelings down deep. The fear, the anxiety, the grief all stuffed safely down so that I don’t have to deal with them.

This is really highlighted for me when we had the failed cycle in early Jan, I was a bit - meh, oh well, more bad news. When I was told about my Dad only having 6-12 months to live, I had a few brief moments of grief and then I was back in lockdown. I feel like I am a damn and all of my emotions are down in my body wreaking havoc but I am afraid to let go because I am worried that I will be like Humpty Dumpty and that 'all the King's horses and all the King's men' won’t be able to put me back together again.

I haven't even felt able to post because I am so invested in holding everything together, lest mentioning where I am will make the damn break. The have been a few instances of breakdown, like last week but it was more like a spillway. There is an overflow once I reach a certain point but then all is locked back up and the damn is reinforced.

I know that this is not good, I know that this is not healthy, I know that I am a ticking time bomb – there is only so much damn repair that you can make. I haven’t seen many of my friends for probably 6-12 months. I am scared that they will want to talk about the cycles, I am scared that they want to talk about Dad, I am scared that they want to see my reaction to my sister being pregnant and me not being. I am probably selling them short but I don’t really want to burst into tears every time I set foot out of the house either.

I have booked in to see a psychologist and I am hoping that it will be a safe space where I can let it all go. I know that I need to. I know that I need to get to a place of equilibrium for my own (as well as JourneyMan’s and JBB’s) sake.

We are go for Thailand 2.1!!!! 12 Days to go!!!

Well, I am hugely relieved today. My lining is thin as all get out so the Melbourne Fertility Specialist has given the go ahead for the cycle, I am very excited and feeling quite positive about it. I am also feeling much better than yesterday because I had a good night’s sleep last night!! I got to bed early and then JBB didn’t come in to bed about 3am and spared me the head butts, punches and kicks!! Just on JBB very quickly – he is improving more and more every day, which is a super relief!! He absolutely hates having his asprin every night but it is worth the tears if we can minimise any damage to his little heart.

So, now that I am officially going – I feel a whole new lease of energy (it also could be the good night sleep that I had!!), I have soooo much to do but I am happy to get it all done!! I am going to miss my boys terribly but hopefully this will be successful, I will carry the pregnancy well and then we are blessed with a new baby (or two!) to complete our family and then we will be finished with IF forever!!

Here are the pertinent dates for the Cycle:

14 December – Start taking Progynova 3 X Daily
14 December – Continue Clexane injections daily
27 December – Fly our to Thailand (leave just after midnight and get in at 5:40am Bangok time
27 December – Go to the clinic for lining check and blood tests
1 January – Transfer

JourneyMan and I have talked in length about the number of embryos that we are going to transfer and we have decided on 2. This is a little bit of a risk because of the unicornuate uterus and the risk of twins but when I spoke to my Fertility Specialist yesterday, though he doesn’t agree with putting 2 embryos back (in anyone, he is all about only one all the time) but he has always maintained that the good side of my uterus is not that much smaller than normal so he said he understands our decision as long as we are willing to accept the consequences of our actions. We have discussed it ad nauseum and if we do end up having twins, we will consider ourselves extremely blessed (no doubt crazy busy and tired but definitely blessed!!).

I am still full of emotions – fear of another failure, scared of missing my boys too much, guilt because it will be nice to have a break, excitement that we have a chance to complete our family and so many more.

Bubsicles – Mummy is coming to get you!!!

The Rollercoaster.....

So, we all know that IF is a rollercoaster and I have definitely paid my ticket and am back on the ride right now.

When I went out to the market on Saturday with my Mum and two sisters, everything annoyed me. Firstly, when we went to pick up my younger sister, I had to drag a massage table into their house for them, I wouldn’t have dreamed of her having to pick it up herself but it brought it sharply into focus, she is pregnant and I am not, when all going well, I should have been.

Then in the car she told of her boyfriends friends. My sister and her boyfriend were very concerned about telling some friends of his about their pregnancy because this friend couple had been trying for two years. Luckily, it all turned out well because when her boyfriend told his friends that they were having a baby, so the couple had found out they were too! Yay! Once again, annoyed the shit out of me, not because of the story, I am glad that these people who have struggled did not have to hear about a couple who ‘accidentally’ got pregnant but I was just annoyed because I think the story was told as a parable ‘good things come to those who wait’.

Then when we were at the market, we were discussing the horrible case here in Melbourne when a couple had made the heart wrenching decision that they would abort a sick twin at 32 weeks (heart defects) and the hospital terminated the wrong baby, so neither of the babies survived (I have too much to say about this but will not in this post, I may in another but it really is just too horrible to contemplate). My older sister made the comment that ‘she thought of me when she heard about this because I ‘could have had one of these babies’. I was pretty affronted by this, I don’t really know how I feel about her thinking that – I know that it came from a place of love but it was just so wrong!!

Then at breakfast, my younger sister told the story of how she told a few of her friends (who have actually become my friends as well over the years) about the pregnancy. She invited them over to make the announcement. It was a nice story and everyone was over the moon for her, which was really lovely. The thing that really pissed me off though was that in the past, I would have been invited to it and been able to share the joy. I don’t blame her for it, honestly, I wouldn’t have wanted me there either – I am a black freaking cloud and if she invited me, I probably wouldn’t have come. She is damned if she does invite me and damned if she doesn’t – I am not angry with her, she was between a rock and a hard place. What I was angry about is IF. It bloody shits me that people have to tip toe around me. It makes me want to scream that people think that I would want to take a baby, any baby. It makes me really sad that I am excluded from the joy. It makes me furious that I am seen as a cautionary tale (better get on to trying really quick, you don’t want to end up like JourneyGirl) and I want to tear my hair out to be seen as ‘the deformed girl who should be pitied’ – ‘shhh, don’t talk about the babies, she might cry (though then if I do cry, I get in trouble for not being happy for the person – I am also damned if I do and damned if I don’t).

It is very hard to be told that you are ‘becoming bitter’ – I challenge anyone to go through this and not have some measure of bitterness. It is very hard to be told ‘they are your issues’ when you absolutely realise that they are your issues but really only wanted to rail against the situation that you have found yourself in, not wanting solutions or advice but just an empathetic, open ear. It is agonisingly hurtful to be told that ‘you need to get over it’ or that ‘you need to prepare yourself that JBB might be your only child’ and that it ‘wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world’.

I didn’t ask to be put in this situation. I did not ask to have a physical deformity when I was born. I didn’t ask to be in pain nearly every day. I didn’t ask to not be able to respond to the IVF drugs. I didn’t ask for my eggs to be crap. I didn’t ask for any of these things but I haven’t hesitated in taking responsibility for it. I have picked myself up from every failed cycle. I have had operation after operation to see if I could improve my chances of having a family. I let nothing stop me in achieving my goal of having a child. I am proud that I was able to find a way that we could have our beautiful boy. I have relished joyously in every moment that he has been in our lives.

It makes me hate myself to whinge all the time and I think back to before IF and wonder – how different has this made me? How different has it made others toward me? Would I be happier or would I be less appreciative of what I have? Would I have more friends? Would JBB and I be in a mothers group? Would I be sweating more of the small stuff (uh oh, JBB has only 10 words in his vocabulary, shouldn’t he have 11?), would I have had a worry free pregnancy? Would I get invited to things again? Would I actually want to leave the house? Would we actually be in a house instead of a 2 bedroom unit? Would JourneyMan’s and my relationship be as strong?

I know that I would have been more involved in my friend’s children’s lives – as it is, I am in full shut down mode and have certainly decided the at for the next four weeks, I will only be seeing people out of absolute necessity. No work Christmas parties, no Christmas dinner with my girl friends, no more going to the market on Saturday with my Mum and sisters. I know that it is childish and weak but I am honestly done with any comments, regardless of how nice or ‘for my own good’ they are. Honestly, if anyone tells me to get over it or think positive or that it will all work out as it is meant to, I am fully going to freaking lose it.

I started spotting yesterday and panicked. Once again I thought that the whole thing was over, there was no chance of going in December. This also made me realise that all of the incidents beforehand that were pissing me off and making me angry was my old friend PMS. Then later on in the night, I remembered that the Melbourne FS said that there could be some breakthrough bleeding and that it would be okay, so I felt a bit better.

This morning I woke up and the cramps were way worse than normal, I took heaps of tablets to make sure I could get through the day (and thus felt guilty because I am putting extra chemicals in my body when I am trying to clear it all out for the cycle that might not exist **sigh**). Following the cramps came more spotting and more doubt about whether I would be able to go in December. If the spotting gets worse tomorrow, I am going to call my FS, I have been trawling Dr Google for solutions and want to run some by my FS (I will hear him rolling his eyes over the phone).
For the moment, I am hopeful but am sure the doubt will come back in 10 mins.

Two weeks until I find out whether the cycle is a go or not, another freaking 2WW.

Frick.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't...

I firstly want to say a big thank you to all of you who have posted such beautiful and kind comments, they have been a lifeline to me in at the past week.

As you can see from the ticker, we are go for Thailand 2.1 but I have one more post looking back before I can look forward.

It has been an interesting few days. I went back to work and so we have gone straight back into the busy, busy, busy mode.

I have had some pretty stressful days, it seems I have not gotten over the failed cycle quick enough and apparently, I am also not happy enough for my sister. It is quite strange to me that I have spent years and years drinking and eating my feelings and now that I want to confront them and move on from them, some people seem unwilling to acknowledge that I have any right to feel bad. I mean, I don't want to wallow in misery for weeks on end, I'm not like that, I will pick myself up and go on but I learnt something from the first 5 failed cycles. You move on without dealing with the emotion and it will definitely catch up with you, it caught up with me after JBB had been born. I hadn't released the grief from those cycles and it came back to bite me.

I had wanted to take my time in dealing with the grief as well as the jealously and envy that I feel for my sister so that I would be ready emotionally for Thailand 2.1 as well I didn't want to see my sister until I could only bring joy to the table. This is for both our sakes, I don't want to dump all of my IF blues on her, it is such a happy event for her, I really don't want to be the black cloud. Whilst I am very envious of how easy it was for her to get pregnant, I don't want her to feel bad. She is super lucky she doesn't have to come into our IF world and honestly, I am happy to spare her the horrible details of what it is really like. I also don't want to get emotional and say something that will hurt her as I wouldn't be able to live with myself. We also have a pretty tumultuous relationship, she once didn't talk to me for 6 months because of something she thought I had said (it was my older sister who had said it). I really would be upset if I said something to her that upset her and then I didn't get to share her pregnancy and the new little baby because she didn't want to talk to me anymore.

It actually would really be nice to only bring joy to the table, I also deserve that, I absolutely wish that hearing a pregnancy announcement wouldn't cause mixed emotions, I 100% wish I only ever felt joy and happiness for whoever it is - I hope that someday, I will have that. The IF journey takes so much from us and I find it very hard to articulate to people just how much. I mean, we have just cancelled our family holiday for the year at Christmas so that I can go back for a FET, half my days are spent having vitamins, going to appointments, doing castor oil packs, skin brushing, detoxing, rubbing my fertility crystals, listening to my subliminals, doing hypnosis sessions, yoga - you name it, I try and do it. Even on our last trip / cycle, I was obsessed about whether it worked or not plus we also spent 3 days at the clinic and I had 2 days on bed rest - it is not your normal holiday. Most of all, I feel like I am behind the IF glass wall. It is so isolating. People don't understand or they only want the good news stories, they don't want to hear about the obsession or those icky jealously and envy feelings. Gosh and if you bring bitterness to the table, the main response is 'you should be thankful you have JBB' or 'other people have it way worse than you', 'you need to just get over it'.

Seriously, I know that I am lucky - I have said it enough times on here. I am grateful everyday for JourneyMan, JBB and JourneyDog. I have the best best friend in the world. I have a great family and heaps of fabulous friends. I am damn lucky but seriously that doesn't mean that I am not allowed to feel sorry for myself occasionally. It doesn't usually last long but damn it, I am allowed to feel shit. isn't it better that I acknowledge that I am jealous of my sister and envious of how easy it was for her to get pregnant and move on from that feeling rather than shove it down and have to deal with it worse at some later date?

I have found so many people (not all - JourneyMan and my Bestie being the most notable and fabulous exceptions) want to invalidate any emotions that I have. I understand why, they are pretty icky ones - grief, sadness, envy, jealously, bitterness, isolation - people who love me don't want to see me having those emotions and they think that the best way out of them is through 'positive thinking'. ie 'only having JBB wouldn't be the worst thing in the world' being a classic or 'there are people who have had worse things happen to them than what you have had', All these invalidating statements do is make me feel that I am wrong for feeling (insert yucky emotion here) that particular way. Thankfully, JourneyMan and my Bestie have validated the hell out of these horrible emotions (being able to express myself here helps a bazillion times as well!!) and I feel I am getting over the hump. I don't think I was in the best frame of mind for this past cycle but I am determined to be for Thailand 2.1.

I read a post by someone and I am terribly sorry that I cannot remember who it was because I would post a link to it here but they talked about how people only really want the 'happy ending' stories. This was in regard to the poster dealing with multiple miscarriages and honestly, I think that it is absolutely spot on. I have spent so much of my life running from my emotions (usually drinking them away or eating them away) and I have always been pretty hard on myself for doing so but this week, I realized that I am not alone. I wanted to confront the yucky emotions and some of my friends and family wanted to run as far away from them as possible. I honestly don't blame them who in their right mind wants to deal with this shit. What this week has taught me is that in previous failed cycles, I isolated myself and didn't really talk about what had happened, this time I tried a different tack and it showed me who in my support group can cope with it (JourneyMan, the Bestie and my sisters in blogland). This is a great lesson to learn as I now know who has the stomach for the ickiness and I am one lucky 'b' to have all of you. I heart JourneyMan. I heart the Bestie. I heart by bloggy sisters. Thank you all for getting me over the hump - I appreciate it more than you will ever know!!

On the knife edge...

I find myself on the verge of tears almost all of the time right now and I am searching for the reasons why.  I am wound so tight, the slightest thing will set me off – sometimes good things (like reading about Lifeslurper’s good news) or accidentally bump into the wall (I mean, come on – over-react much!??!).
 
There are so many emotions swirling around about this cycle – I need to explore a few of them to make sense of them:
 
1. Fear – the is the predominant feeling, I believe.  The thought of this not working and then being in that dark IF place is frightening beyond words.  I keep trying to face it in order to dispel it but honestly, the thought of fronting up for another cycle after this one, literally makes me want to vomit.  Each cycle takes so much physically, emotionally and mentally – it is very difficult to even contemplate having to go back for more.  I have tried to explain this to friends and family and mostly everyone has the same response ‘but surely it is easier this time because you have JBB’.  I totally get why people would have that response, I absolutely do and it definitely does make a difference that all the time we are going through the cycle we have the cute little man there to take the sting away.  However, there is something quite different about this cycle that I didn’t realise would be the case.  Last time, the cycle was really all about me – about me being mother finally, about having a baby of my own, about JourneyMan being a Dad etc.  This time, my main motivation is to provide a sibling for JBB, someone in the world
who is the same as him, so that they can both take comfort in each other.  I know that being a donor egg baby is becoming more prevalent in our but I would like them both to be able to turn to each other and draw comfort that they are both the same. I also love having siblings and I want to give them both the gift of each other, an ally in life, someone who can help them through the hard times and celebrate the great times as well (especially considering I am an older mother).  So, where does the fear fit in here – I think that it is tied in with thinking that I might not be able to provide that to JBB, that I will fall short, that I will not be good enough once again.  

2. Guilt – there is a measure of guilt that I feel in going back to the well a second time, asking for and expecting another miracle when we have been so blessed with JBB.  There is no greater joy that I feel when I look at his sweet little face but I can’t help but feel that we may be asking for too much when others are still waiting for their first.  What makes me think that we deserve to be twice blessed?

3. Tempting fate – being a slightly superstitious person – there is a small feeling of uneasiness about trying this all again for a second time.  Has our luck run out or will we cause it to run out because we are boldly going back for a second time – will this cause the fates to turn against us?
 
These are the raw thoughts that sit underneath my conscious ones and for the most part I don’t buy in to the whole deserving / not deserving, it just brings up too many questions about the many wonderful couples that I know who are still childless or the many other societal horrors such as heroin babies etc – I mean where is the deserving or not in there.
 
For what it’s worth, I am content that our Journey has brought us the delightful JBB and I hope (and sometimes pray, though I gave up on organised religion along time ago – I am still spiritual) that we will be successful on this cycle. Time is ticking away so quickly now, it is just over three weeks until we go to Thailand, for the most part, I look at JBB and and I'm excited and looking forward to the trip and the cycle.

Overwhelmed....

I have been a bad, bad blogger. Time seems to be slipping away without me even knowing it and the crazy part of it is, I have badly needed to blog to get some of the emotional turmoil from me but just haven't had a chance to sit down and do it.

Firstly, let me just update you on where everything is at with the various areas of our lives.

JourneyBabyBoy - is going very, very well. He is growing gangbusters though I only know from the feel of him because the weekly scans are over and done. Last Friday felt a bit weird cos I didn't have to get up and go to see my little man. He is moving around quite alot and I have heard of some pregnant ladies complaining that their little one keeps them up at night with movement, I love each and every move as it provides me with assurance that he is all well and good. That being said, it is getting harder and harder to sleep so I do understand where these mums-to-be are coming from but for me, if I have to be woken at night, that is a reason that I am happy with (an example of a reason why I have trouble sleeping at night is that JM and I watched Paranormal on pay TV the other week and I woke up in fear a few times the night after - der, I mean how dumb can I be?!?!). Anyway, the upshot is that JBB is going well and my stomach seems to be doubling in size on a weekly basis which is great!! I have an appointment with the OB on Monday (I am on appointments every 3 weeks at the moment) and so I am hoping to continue on in the good books! Oh and I forgot - my second gestational diabetes test came up negative - whoo hooo!

At home the renovations continue apace and the laundry is done (waiting for it to dry and the kitchen is almost done, we just have the painting and floors left to go and I am hoping that the much longed for dishwasher is installed by the time I get home tonight. We have the electrician coming tomorrow to finish off the electrical work and over the weekend we need to move all of the house into the kitchen, bathroom, garage and laundry so that we can get the floorboards polished and we are going to be living with my Mum and Dad for at least a week. I am not really looking forward to this because I just have had a run in with my Dad today because of his agressive shouting at my Mum, he was being extremely bullying and blaming her for his situation and even though I know that the sickness contributes to this, I cannot have him bullying my Mum in my presence - it's not on. After they left for awhile, I was so shaken that I cried for awhile. Anyway, moving in with them for a week is not going to be really fun - I am pretty much dreading it but we don't have anywhere else to go.

So, onto my emotions - as you can see from the above - the rollercoaster continues. I am finding everything extremely overwhelming at the moment and am finding that the smallest thing will cause me to overreact hugely. The main way that I deal with emotionality is to remove myself from people as I am extremely afraid of yelling at the them, saying something that I regret, reacting to something that they said or crying in front of them. It makes me very happy that I have a flexible work environment and can work from home alot of the time so that I can avoid being in situations where I will get emotional around people. The trouble is that for the past few weeks I have had people in the house pretty much the whole time so I have not had an escape and things have happened - especially today. I had the run in with my Dad but also had a run in with one of my bosses - I apologised for it but am very unimpressed with my behaviour. I feel like I am drowning in emotions!

The other reason that I am feeling overwhelmed is that JM and I went to a Post Natal, Early Childhood class on Monday night and honestly, they must have packed 8 hours worth of information into the 3 1/2 hour class - my head was absolutely spinning. This class really brought out the fear in me - What if I can't cope? What if I have waiting all this time and gone through all of these things and am a terrible mother? What if I wreck this little JBB's life? Honestly, I guess it is not just about being overwhelmed and hormones but it is just straight out and out fear. Hopefully I will get myself together soon.

I will try to update again in the next couple days but with having to pack and move practically the whole house, I think it will be after the OB's appointment on Monday. I will also endeavour to catch up on where you are all at - I haven't had a chance to read any blogs - hope you are all going well!!