It must be said out loud....

I am struggling.  I feel inadequate.  I am worried.

The past week has been a tough one, not so much for the boys, for me.  I am feeling very down about myself.  I thought I would have bounced back from the pregnancy, surgery better than I have.  I thought I would have more energy than I do.  I thought I would feel more like myself.  Unfortunately, I don't.  One of the biggest concerns is that noise is really affecting me right now - our heater is quite loud and JBB has been yelling a lot, the dog is always barking, Boo2 cries (though not that often I have to admit) - I feel a little bit that I am going crazy from all the noise.

Of course, I am also dead tired - I mean what mother of a newborn isn't?  The relentlessness of the feeding, changing and settling is full on. Exhaustion makes so many things much harder, it seems to magnify everything.  I know that I have months of this bone crunching exhaustion left.

I also can't help but be upset by things - I think that most of the time that I am overreacting because I am tired.  We have been looking at a little book that I made up of JBB's journey - we have been looking to see the similarities between JBB and Boo2.  In that book is a picture of my Dad holding JBB and I can't help but get upset that my Dad didn't get to meet Boo2, he would have loved him so much.  JBB and my Dad had such a touching relationship but Boo2 will never experience it, it makes me sad.  This one sounds really stupid but lately JBB has been saying that he barracks for my husbands footy team - I know that doesn't seem like a big deal to most people but I had such a nice relationship with my Dad about the footy, I wanted to share it with the boys.  I know JourneyMan thinks I am crazy but he is JBB's hero - JBB does everything he does.  He is the one that gets to play footy with them and he is the hero - I guess I selfishly wanted something for me.  I know it's stupid, I will get over it.

I have tried to get on board with my healthy eating and exercise and I had two really good weeks but this past week has been a bit of a disaster.  I have been comfort eating a lot because I don't feel great - this has always been a problem for me and it has been exacerbated over the past month.  There is a desperation in me to lose this weight, I am the highest weight I have ever been and I am hugely concerned because I want to be a healthy role model for my boys and also around for a long time.  I want to be a participant in their lives and not be on the sidelines and for that I need to be fit.  

I am also worried about money, I think I am going to have to go back to work earlier than was first thought (after 5 months) and this is so disappointing because I feel like I miss so much when I am at work.  I think for the most part, I am a good Mum but the fact that so many other people get to look after my boys and see their firsts brings me down.  On the other hand, if I am working, the money worries for us almost disappear and I can relax a lot more.  It is such a hard choice.

I find myself not having as much patience that I normally have with JBB and he is certainly testing my patience at the moment.  He is also having a bit of a hard time, I think - he has dropped his nap and so is tired all the time and very cranky.  He is trying to assert his authority in many ways and has been very mischievous.  I feel bad because I want to be giving him the attention that he wants but I also need to be giving Boo2 attention.  I hope that we can get back to a good routine soon.

The weather hasn't been helping, it has been absolutely freezing and raining the whole week so getting outside has been a challenge.  I think that we all have a bit of cabin fever at the moment.

The very hard part about being a Mum is that many times, the things that we do to take care of ourselves, means spending a little time away from our kids.  For me, this means that I feel guilty about it and worried that I am missing something.  Time goes so fast and I don't want to miss anything.

I had a bit of a break yesterday, I went and had a coffee with my sister and just verbalising my concerns made me feel a lot better.  I find that once I put these things out in the world, rather than keeping them inside, I feel a lot better.  

Uncomfortable

Firstly, let me just tell you how grateful that I am to be pregnant.  Every day, I thank God, my angels, my doctors and every other man and his dog for my family.  I am hoping that this little man, Boo2 will come to us happy, healthy and our wonderful little family will be complete.  Yes, I am very, very grateful.

But……I am HUGELY uncomfortable this pregnancy.  I can’t remember it being as bad with JBB.  I definitely weigh more so that is going to be more uncomfortable but I feel like I can barely function.  Last time, I also didn’t have a 2 year old to chase around and pick up after.  I am a bit flummoxed though at what has me so exhausted.

Yes, there is a lot going on with my sister’s hen’s day and wedding coming up.  Yes, it is tough working and trying to keep a house running and yes chasing after a two year old has its moments but plenty of other women do this every day and are not almost confined to the couch with their house a disgraceful mess and barely a meal being put on the table.

It has been a tough pregnancy, starting with my Dad dying, extremely debilitating cramps and now the two vessel cord worry.  Emotionally, this has been way tougher than the pregnancy with JBB but I wouldn’t have thought that I could barely get myself out of bed in the morning?

I think that the hardest thing is that I feel like I am a bad mother to JBB at the moment.  I don’t have much energy to play with him.  I can’t pick him up because he is so heavy.  My emotions are all over the shop.  One day last week, he leaned on my boob with his elbow so hard that I burst into tears.  He got very upset and frightened but I couldn’t stop crying.  Honestly, I felt terrible scaring him like that.  Not long after, we were tucked up reading a story on the couch but I have felt awful ever since.  This more than anything else convinces me that this is definitely our last cycle and child.  I am not getting any younger and whilst I think that there are distinct advantages to being an older mother (a post on this will be coming soon) but being 41 and pregnant is not really that easy.

Thanks for reading.  I really am grateful, just saying.

The Question

There is a question that has been playing around the edges of my mind. It is one that I don't want to face and the thought of it scares the hell out of me. The past few weeks have been tough. I have gone underground because I don't really know how to express myself at the moment and then when the whole PAIL debacle happened and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I am exhausted. JBB has been very cranky lately and has taken to screaming, an ear piercing teeth hurting scream whenever he doesn't get his way, even over the smallest thing. I'm so emotional, I burst into tears myself at the smallest thing.

I feel wrong, just absolutely wrong. My motivation is super low, I have gone off the rails with my diet in a big way. I take offense to anything anyone says to me, even the most innocuous of comments. I even went to the endocrinologist to get tested for my thyroid because I felt that this was the reason that I felt like such utter crap. Nope, am healthy as a horse and I had a complete breakdown because I am healthy, yes, because I am healthy (well, apart from the excess weight, fertility issues, deformities inside and a blood disorder).

I realized today that I was upset that it wasn't a thyroid issue because at least that was easily treatable. Sadly, I have to face the fact that I am probably super stressed and maybe even the 'd' word (depression). I didn't want it to be that because I know that the remedy for stress is to 'relax' and we all know how fun that freaking word is. Seriously, I do know that being stressed is going to negatively effect the next cycle but how the Frick do I 'relax' without wanting to take to people with a bat?

So, really not in a good way but even worse is the question that I don't want to face: if I am so stressed and not coping with one child, how the hell do I think I'm going to cope with two? Is that why the past two cycles have not worked. It makes me sick just thinking about that.