Close to Perfect

Last weekend, we had the kind of weekend that I had dreamed of having when we were in the trenches of IF.

Friday started with Boo2, my Mum and I going to JBB's first school sports and he won a ribbon for coming first in his running race - yay.  It was the cutest day, he couldn't wait to tell everyone what his favourite part of the day was, riding the bus - ha ha, cracks me up.  Boo2 just wanted to run himself, he kept on repeating 'I run, Mummy?', 'When I race, Mummy?'  He always wants to be doing what JBB is doing.  When we got there, JBB went and sat with his friends and Boo2 went and sat next to him.  Gorgeous.

On Saturday morning, I was up with the boys at the crack of dawn - cos, well that's what time they get up, every, single, day.  We had our breakfast and talked about what we were going to do over the weekend and then I headed off to bootcamp.  I have been on a bit of a fitness kick, trying to keep up with these two little live wires so have been doing bootcamp 4 mornings a week for the past 4 weeks - foof, I am exhausted!!

When I got back, we took the boys to swimming lessons.  One thing about Boo2 is, he is a big smiler - for his whole swimming lesson, there is always a big, big smile plastered across his face, it always makes me smile.  JourneyMan goes in the pool with Boo2 and I site between both classes and watch both boys.  JBB was assessed to see if he was ready to go up to the next level but he wasn't quite. I was actually quite relieved by that - he has had quite a change with starting school so going up to a more challenging swimming class was unecessary at this point, I felt.

After the swimming lessons, we were going to go straight to the Caravan and Camping show but two things happened, I forgot my Fitbit (and I was on a 6 day streak for 10K of steps each day) and Boo2 spewed up his cheese and vegemite sandwich.  So we ducked home for a change of clothes for Boo2 and to make sure he was okay (unfortunately, he is a bit of a spewer, if he puts too much in his mouth he spews, too much milk, he spews, and then of course there are his allergies).  The Caravan and Camping show was fun - JBB kept saying 'this is the best day ever' which always feels very nice.  They had a great time inspecting tents and caravans.  Our main aim was to get inspired for our Easter trip which definitely worked and it was just a fun day altogether.

On Sunday, we have been going to the Thousand Steps which is a memorial walk not too far from our house (a memorial to the Australia soldiers who suffered on the Kokoda trail in Papua New Guinea in the Second World War).  It is a tough but reasonable short trail - it takes about 40mins to go up and back and there is a lovely playground at the bottom that the boys love having a play at while JourneyMan and I take turns going up the trail.

After the thousand steps, we took the boys home so Boo2 could have his afternoon sleep and I took the chance to do a bit of cooking to prepare for the week.  Once Boo2 woke up, we went to the park down the road, it was the most beautiful day an end of summer day that was just amazing.  We played football altogether in the park and then the boys had some fun in the playground.

I know that this sounds like a pretty pedestrian, unexciting weekend but to me, it was bliss - beautiful, smiling faces, laughing and jokes, just being together and enjoying our time.  One of the things that our journey through IF taught me was that you have to take the happiness where you can get it and honestly, the happiness over the weekend was palpable.  I am one lucky, lucky person.

Another Step in the Journey…

When I named this blog, I predominantly hoped that the name could direct people to a  resource for anyone considering using donor eggs internationally or even just donor eggs.  The reason that I blog has always been as a catharsis and to document the journey but I really did hope that people who were in a similar situation could find information from someone who has lived it.  In my mind, I guess I thought that the ‘Donor Eggs Journey’ would logically finish when we reached the finish line and had our baby.  But then when we had our darling JBB, I quickly realised that the journey would continue because we wanted him to have a sibling.  Then I kind of thought in my mind that once we had our family completed that our ‘Donor Eggs Journey’ would be over.  I don’t think that is the case now.

I wrote some posts back when JBB was only a few months old.  I remember feeling uncomfortable at the time because I didn’t have any prepared answers for people enquiring about where JBB got his looks from.  I was feeling swirls of feelings that I am sure where in part being overwhelmed as a new mother (which I am sure any new mother can relate to) and being the mother of a donor egg baby and the different feelings and situations that come up as a result of that fact.

At the time, I thought that these feelings and situations were something that I needed to ‘get over’ and I would move on and continue the bliss of being JBB Mum.  More than a year later, I have realised that this Donor Eggs Journey will continue for all of our lives.  For the most part, we deal with anything that normal parents deal with:  joyful hugs, being our son’s hero’s, sleepless nights, teething, the terrible two’s and the myriad of things that are a part of any parents daily life but there are things that make our Journey special.  

We need to think of other things like how do we begin the discussion of telling JBB how he came into this world?  I have a folder of JBB’s journey that includes pictures of him as a blastocyst, pics of the donor and him, pics of the donor, information about the donor and information on how he can contact the donor.  We always need to consider the information that we give to people and what effect that it will have on JBB in the future.  JourneyMan has said that he doesn’t like to say how much JBB looks like him because I can never have that experience and he doesn’t want to rub it in to me, this is something that most Dad’s don’t have to think about.

Early on, despite being totally in love and bonded with my little cheekiness, there were times when I wondered if JBB would resent how he was brought into the world, that he would end up hating me because of the decisions that we made.  I also had some feelings that I wasn’t really JBB’s mother because he didn’t have my genetic material.  The concerns that I felt about not totally feeling like JBB’s mother have faded away entirely.  Who else is his mother if not me?  This feeling did not happen over night, there were events that have affected how I feel.  Meeting the donor again and seeing JBB with him made me realise that she is stranger to JBB, albeit a most generous, amazing one!  Of course, I also consider her a vital part of the ‘creation team’ that made JBB.  I am not particularly religious, but I think of the JourneyMan, the Donor and myself in a circle, around us are the many doctors and alternative therapists that contributed to creating JBB and surrounding us is some higher power that enable the miracle of our son.  There is no mistaking he is exactly that.  I don’t why but it used to annoy me when my Dad used to repeat that JBB is ‘a miracle’ but it did.  I think because it highlighted to me that it was easy for everyone else but we needed ‘a miracle’.  It doesn’t bother me when he says it now, I wholeheartedly agree.  There is no mistaking that this little boy is a miracle, a gift from God and I am grateful every day that he came into our lives.

A beautiful moment that I have tucked away in my mind happened a few weeks ago.  Whenever I pick JBB up from day care these days he wants to show me things.  The car that he has been playing with, the friend that he has made, the toys that he has had fun with that day, some photo’s on the wall.  A couple of weeks ago, he took me around to all of the staff members, he pointed to me and said ‘my Mummy’.  Through the tears that pricked in my eyes, I said ‘yes sweetheart, that’s right, I am your Mummy’. 

Another brick in the wall....

It has been a crappy week. The past couple of weeks, I had tried to start getting myself back out into society. As usual with any cycles, I had turned inward and pretty much removed myself from any situations that would be stressful. I met up with a girlfriend a couple of weeks ago and that was a resounding success. After that success, I thought I would really put myself out there by offering to help my sister with her baby shower. I organized a catch up with her two best friends and we got together a list of questions to ask my sister so that she could decide what she wanted. One of the girls was going to see her on the Saturday and ask her all of the questions. I ended up seeing her on the Sunday and asked her about it. I realized pretty quickly that she was angry with me. This is not unusual but I was at a loss as to what I had done. I think I have now realized what she is angry about. I think that she wants her friends organising the baby shower and not me. It is definitely an assumption that I am making but I don't know what else she could be angry about. I feel pretty hurt by it actually, I was just hoping to make it a really special time for her. Our relationship has been very fraught over the past few years, and most of the time I find myself apologizing to her, treading on eggshells around her or being overly nice to her so that she would forgive me for something that I had done. Sometimes it is even for things that I had not done, one of which was that she thought I called her (current) boyfriend (they were broken up at the time) an arsehole but it wasn't me who said it, it was my older sister. I even brought that up with her recently and said it was my older sister and she said 'whatever, I don't want to talk about it'. So, I am stepping back from it. I will do anything that anyone asks me to do for it but I'm not going to take the lead on it.

Another incident occurred after I had my counseling session this week. This needs a bit of background. On Saturday night, I am going to my cousin's wife's 40th birthday. I am not really close to her or my cousin but she is a nice girl and I always was going to go, that was until I realized the Footy was on on Saturday night and my team was playing. The reason that this is a big deal is that I thought immediately that I would be able to watch it with my dad. That's my thing with Dad, we watch the Footy together, it is how I relate to him. I mentioned it when I was at the psychologist and we talked it through and talked about how I do a lot of things because that is what someone else wants and for me it was important to spend this time with my Dad because I don't know how many games that we have left that we can watch together. I talked to my Mum about it and I was shocked that she thought it was more important for me to go to the cousins wife's 40th. She was really mn about it too, basically saying that it was extremely rude and that she is going to feel bad because only me and maybe my younger sister are going. It really hurt me that she rates her desire not to look bad above me spending time with my Dad. It is really strange to me because she related to her own Dad over the Footy, I thought she would have understood. Needless to say, I am going to the cousins birthday instead of spending the night with my Dad but I have lost a lot of trust with my Mum. She has asked to come with me to take JBB for his final test and whilst I don't want her to come, I wil never use JBB as a pawn in a relationship with my mum. I will ensure that it is off limits to talk about Saturday night though, I will not be talking about that.

So, my foray out into society has come to a screeching halt, in fact, I am reversing at full speed. I am very tired, I am in a massively vulnerable place and I need some walls around me for protection. I am so sensitive to anything that people are saying to me, especially family that I am not going talk about anything of consequence. Here is my off limits list of conversations:

1. My Dad
2. Cycles, Thailand or pregnancy
3. My feelings about anything

I am stopping all outings that are going to put me in a position of spending time with my family, no more market on Saturdays, no more Reiki, no more trips to the shops with my Mum, I am in self protection mode now. I need to minimise the opportunities that i can get hurt. Looks like I will have some nice conversations about the weather, about JBB and about the Footy. That's fine cos in my fortress, I still have my great stalwarts of support, JourneyMan and my Bestie and of course you lovely readers of my blog. I'm fine, is going to become my new mantra to the world and really, maybe if I say it enough, I will be.

Thanks for reading if you made it down to this far.

4dp5dt - Back home with my Boys

Sorry, I was going to be really good this time and update every day post transfer but despite being on bed rest and having nothing to do, I didn't really get the energy to post - very lazy on my part and I am sorry!! However, there was really nothing much to report, I mean how exciting is bed rest, not very, I tell you!!

So, I was very good and did a full 48 hours of bedrest. During that time, I mainly watched The Lord of the Rings extended editions on the iPad and reading. There was lots of reading, which was very enjoyable but of course it was very lonely without my boys.

On Wednesday night, I checked out and headed to the Bangkok airport and let me tell you, a taxi ride in Bangkok is my least favourite past time. There were no seat belts and we were going more than 130 km per hour - I was absolutely praying for my safety!! Thankfully, I made it to the airport okay, sweating a bit from the stress, but definitely okay. The flight was delayed an hour and at that time of a night it is a bit hard to take because it was such a late flight.

Thankfully though, the flight itself was pretty good, I slept most of the way which was good and got through customs and baggage claim pretty quickly and there were my boys - I was sooooooo happy to see them, I could have sat down and sobbed in the middle of the airport. I hugged and kissed JourneyMan and then hugged and kissed JBB to within and inch of his life. I have been revelling in spending time with them ever since.

We dropped in on my bestie on the way home from the airport and it was wonderful to see her and then I spent the day with my mum and JBB today at the shops and the park - it has been a really nice few days. Tomorrow, we are going to go to the pool as a family, it will be great fun, JBB loves the water!!

I have a funny feeling about this cycle - I am completely loathe to say it but I have a quietly confident feel (I may live to regret making such statements), not the panicked desperation that that I felt in the last cycle. I don't know why I feel this way, I don't have any symptoms except for the cramping which is basically same shit different day, quite frankly - they are just small ones, nothing compared to the normal ones I feel throughout my cycles. No doubt tomorrow, I will swing back the other way and be doubtful again but I don't know, it would be super nice if what I felt was correct!!

We have embryo's - 13 of them!!

The fertilisation report is in and we have 13 embryo's, this is compared to 8 last time so I am very happy. There were only 18 mature eggs so that was a pretty good rate I believe. I feel pretty good about the whole situation. I find it very hard not to compare this cycle with the last one and one of the things that I have realised is that last time, I was able to relax pretty well before the cycle through massages and plenty of sleep and all of that but I am definitely not relaxing as much this time as last time though. However, this time I am way, way happier than I was that last cycle.

This was illustrated yesterday when JourneyMan, JBB and I went investigating a Thai massage. Our intention was to both have a massage separately once JBB was in bed so that one of us could be with him at all times. When we got there, they convinced us to have a massage together and JBB could be in the room. Honestly, it was one of the funniest experiences I've ever had. I think I have mentioned before that a Thai massage is a combination of a massage and a yoga class - I love them!! Anyway, picture this: JourneyMan and I have changed into traditional Thai gear and are lying on the massage mats on the floor in a beautifully restful Thai spa room. Then add in one little hurricane that we call JBB and it wasn't the most relaxing massage I have ever had in my life. At one point, he found a box and put it on my face, throughout the whole time he was climbing all over us, pushing anything that he could find around the room, trying to massage us, talking to the Thai masseuse ladies (who adored him) and screaming in delight at the top of his lungs. As I say, I didn't walk out of the room completely relaxed but I did walk out of there completely happy.

Today, I went for another massage (foot reflexology and back and shoulder) and JourneyMan took JBB shopping. When I got back (completely relaxed this time!!) I found JBB in a shirt with a picture of Papa Smurf on it with a caption - I Heart Papa. I was laughing for a while because it is a pretty cool shirt but I was happy for JourneyMan because JBB has plenty of shirts that say things like 'my heart belongs to mum', 'I dig my mum' etc (incidentally, I have only bought him one of these tops, he has been given all of the others) and JourneyMan has often complained that there are no shirts around saying 'I love my Dad' - they all tend to say, 'my dad loves me'. So JourneyMan is all chuffed with JBB's shirt and I can see JBB wearing it a lot in the future..

We finished off the day with a swim in the pool and some pants off time for JBB on the outdoor deck in our room. Yesterday, pants off time (he's got a bit of nappy rash and we want to let the air onto his bum) ended abruptly when JBB squatted down to leave a poo on the decking. I was taking a picture of him at the time - though had accidentally hit the video button and we now have it captured for all time. I'm saying we will use it for JBB's 21st birthday party but JourneyMan refuses - I have to admit, I don't think I could be that cruel. Gosh we laughed though and crazily enough, these moments mean as much to me as the beautiful ones when JBB comes to give me a hug or a kiss. These are the intimate moments that no-one else sees, these are the moments that make our family. Honestly, I am having the time of my life, poop deck and all!!

A bit sad...

I’m having trouble accepting what is happening with my Dad at the moment – it is a terrible situation. For those of you that don’t know, my Dad has hydrocephalus and really, he is now a completely different person than he used to be. Growing up, my Dad was one of the most motivated and fit people that I knew – he worked hard (as a toolmaker in his own business in the garage out back of the house), he was smart, he ran marathons, he was extremely social and has a huge circle of friends.

It is really hard to recognize him these days. He doesn’t get out of bed until midday, he just had a knee operation but refuses to do any of the rehab, he isolates himself as much as possible. He is aggressive and angry, he doesn’t remember anything – my poor Mum, I don’t know how she is doing it at the moment. I got to the fresh food market every Saturday morning with my Mum and sisters. My sister brought all of her 3 boys along today and the two oldest came in the car with us on the way home. We were talking about how Dad used to be and neither of them can remember.

It made me so sad to think about my own child (that hopefully is coming soon!) and how they will never have a chance to know my Dad how he was. It has been a rough couple of days because a nurse was talking to my Mum about putting his name down at a nursing home – my god, he is sixty freaking six for crying out loud – it is way, way too soon for that but because of the hydrocephalus he is very unstable and falls quite often and my poor mum (who has arthritis in her hands) has worlds of trouble getting him up.

In truth, I have been avoiding him. It makes me so mad because it seems like he has given up living and I want to yell and scream at him – which is why I have been avoiding him because I am scared I will yell at my sick Dad. I spend a lot of time feeling guilty about him at the moment.

In other news, I have been reading many blogs because of ICLW (love that time of the month!) and I have found a few people who are feeling emotionally cut off from the cycles that they are doing. I have to admit – I feel quite the same about Thailand. I realized that all I have been concentrating on the actual logistics of the trip but not really considering too much the cycle itself. I am okay with that – I am a pretty obsessive person so the less I think about the cycle at this point, the better I believe!!