A New Bathmat

JourneyMan has a job that means he doesn’t get home until after the kids have had their dinner, bath and are tucked up in bed.   So, he gets up in the morning and does the morning routine and spends time with them then.  I find doing all of the night time routine on my own taxing sometimes.   Not so much physically but more so because I have the same conversations over and over again.  JBB, eat your dinner (and repeat 5-7 times), Boo2 sit down in the high chair (and repeat 5-7 times), JBB hop out of the bath, please (and repeat 5-7 times), Boo2, don’t take your nappy off (and repeat 5-7 times), JBB, put on your pj’s (and repeat 5-7 times).

I was with some girlfriends last week and we were discussing our routines.  One of them does the morning getting the kids ready and they employ a nanny in the afternoons a couple of times a week to pick the kids up from school / daycare, play with them, give them their dinner and get them ready for bed.  Another friend (who is an entrepreneur and has started up her own very successful business since her kids were born) was intrigued and thought that she could that most nights a week.  The group of girlfriends are all very successful women.  Most have careers, beautiful children, loving husbands and beautiful houses.  Every one of them has their own struggles though – whether big or small, they all struggle.

I was genuinely intrigued by the thought of having some help to get the kids ready for bed but then I thought of some other things.  Like when I taught JBB how to peel carrots (previous to this, he didn’t like to eat them) and he said to me at the dinner table ‘Thank you for teaching me to peeling the carrots, Mum, I really like it’. Or the time when I bought a new bathmat and the excitement that it brought to the bath time routine was crazy.  Boo2 felt it with his feet and started flashdancing on it like no tomorrow, laughing delightedly (while nude of course).  JBB immediately started running every part of his body over the bathmat and saying ‘I love it, Mum’.  For days afterwards, every person that came through the house was treated to being told about our new bath mat and how great it is (the best $10 ever spent!!).  I also thought about the time, I accidentally put Boo2 in the bath with his socks on – JBB laughed till he cried and Boo2 started to scream and clap because of all the laughing - the memory of their happy faces still brings a smile to my face.  Or when we read a book that ends with ‘I love you Mum’ and JBB puts his arms around me and says ‘I love YOU Mum’.  Or even last night when I was reading JBB his bedtime story, I dropped the book on to my face and he laughed and laughed (and then had to tell JourneyMan about it with the first opportunity that he had).

I don’t judge or begrudge any woman who is trying to make her life easier through getting help.  I have stacks of help and still struggle to take care of the kids, work, keep a nice house, cook nutritious meals, stay to a budget, exercise, eat right and do all of the millions of things that a woman is expected to do these days.  Life can be super exhausting and there is so much going on all the time that sometimes the drudgery of the night time routine seems to be something I would like to escape from.  Then we get a new bath mat and I remember the mantra that I loved in my IF days – ‘take the happiness where you can get it’.  And I wonder, what if I missed those laughing, touching moments?  There are plenty of moments when you are a parent that can be tough and even mind numbingly repetitive but to take away those, I might also also take away those times when you get a new bath mat and all hell breaks loose.

The Weight of Responsibility...

I have a 3 year old and a six month old now – I have to pinch myself to believe that we made it through the wilderness and now have the two most gorgeous kids on the planet.  I am not exaggerating either – let me tell you, the Thai people are a beautiful looking people and mix up the Thai genes with my husbands anglo genes and you get some divinely gorgeous looking kids.  Not only are they beautiful on the outside, they are lovely on the inside.  JBB is a wonderful kid and a fabulous big brother.  He takes his time to warm into a situation but once he knows you, you feel like you are standing in the sunshine of his smile and that is an awesome place to be.  Boo2 is a happy little fellow, even in the middle of the night, his ear splitting smile of greeting is enough to melt away any tired grumpiness that you might have.  He loves to give strangers a smile and I tell you, this kid never stops moving, it is a work out just to hold him – his legs and arms are going ninety to the dozen!

That being said, I am very conscious that we very deliberately brought these two boys into the world.  I know that any parent (barring an accident, of course) has deliberately brought their children into the world and I am sure that they feel the weight of responsibility too, I am not saying that they don’t, I am just saying that for me, it is generally in the forefront of my mind.  For the most part, I think that this is a great thing.  The feeling of responsibility makes me look at everything, weigh things up to see what the best option is for the boys and then make a decision with this in the front of my mind.  This is good because usually I am a very ‘bull at a gate’ kind of person.

Sometimes the weight of responsibility to honour these boys’ existence weighs very heavily on me.  I feel like I am a terrible parent if I impatient or short with them or even if things haven’t turned out right, then I feel like I am failing them.  This is all about my perfection stuff though and I have to talk myself down quite a bit of the time.  I try to keep in mind that these can be teaching opportunities.  If I am short with JBB, I try to make sure that I sit down and explain to him what has happened and of course, apologise.  None of us go through life with everything going exactly as plan to, staying on an even keel emotionally and everyone being super nice to us.  I am hoping that I am helping to teach JBB how to cope with his emotions as best as possible.   Very early on, JourneyMan and I instituted a ‘hitty bag’ – if JBB gets angry or frustrated, we encourage him to pound on the hitty bag to channel his emotions into it (we both try to do the same thing!!).  Generally, it helps to get him laughing again after awhile and all the frustrations out too which is great!!

It is also easy to become ‘mummy bear’ whenever something happens that upsets JBB.  His language skill is excellent now and he can tell me what’s going on at day care which can be really great but also can make my blood boil.  A few weekends ago, I was joking that JourneyMan had been ‘mean’ to me and JBB asked what ‘mean’ meant.  I told him that ‘mean’ was when someone said or did something that made you feel bad.  The next week at day care, he told me that there was a ‘meanie car boy’ there.  I asked what he meant and he said that there was a boy who didn’t want to play with him (and then he pointed him out to me).  The ‘mummy bear’ in mean wanted to go up to that little boy and shout at him for hurting my JBB but thankfully cooler heads prevailed and I said to JBB ‘I really love the fact that you want to play with everyone but some people aren’t like that and they just want to play with certain people, that’s okay because you have heaps of other friends that you can play with’.  We talked about his feelings and I think I was able to make him feel better.  The issue with Boo2 too that I have are about whether I am giving him all the attention that he needs or am I more apt to let him cry a bit longer than I did JBB because of everything I know more now.  Sometimes, it is beyond my control (ie. pooh is spreading from one place to another and JBB needs a change ASAP, Boo2 is crying and I have to leave him until the pooh is changed).  Sometimes I worry that I am stuffing him up because he doesn't get attention straight away.

The hardest thing that I find is that I am forever unsure of what I am telling or doing to them ie. I am always asking myself ‘am I helping or f&*%ing him up?’ – I really hope I am helping!!

How do you guys feel about the responsibility, have you got any good techniques to pass on?

It must be said out loud....

I am struggling.  I feel inadequate.  I am worried.

The past week has been a tough one, not so much for the boys, for me.  I am feeling very down about myself.  I thought I would have bounced back from the pregnancy, surgery better than I have.  I thought I would have more energy than I do.  I thought I would feel more like myself.  Unfortunately, I don't.  One of the biggest concerns is that noise is really affecting me right now - our heater is quite loud and JBB has been yelling a lot, the dog is always barking, Boo2 cries (though not that often I have to admit) - I feel a little bit that I am going crazy from all the noise.

Of course, I am also dead tired - I mean what mother of a newborn isn't?  The relentlessness of the feeding, changing and settling is full on. Exhaustion makes so many things much harder, it seems to magnify everything.  I know that I have months of this bone crunching exhaustion left.

I also can't help but be upset by things - I think that most of the time that I am overreacting because I am tired.  We have been looking at a little book that I made up of JBB's journey - we have been looking to see the similarities between JBB and Boo2.  In that book is a picture of my Dad holding JBB and I can't help but get upset that my Dad didn't get to meet Boo2, he would have loved him so much.  JBB and my Dad had such a touching relationship but Boo2 will never experience it, it makes me sad.  This one sounds really stupid but lately JBB has been saying that he barracks for my husbands footy team - I know that doesn't seem like a big deal to most people but I had such a nice relationship with my Dad about the footy, I wanted to share it with the boys.  I know JourneyMan thinks I am crazy but he is JBB's hero - JBB does everything he does.  He is the one that gets to play footy with them and he is the hero - I guess I selfishly wanted something for me.  I know it's stupid, I will get over it.

I have tried to get on board with my healthy eating and exercise and I had two really good weeks but this past week has been a bit of a disaster.  I have been comfort eating a lot because I don't feel great - this has always been a problem for me and it has been exacerbated over the past month.  There is a desperation in me to lose this weight, I am the highest weight I have ever been and I am hugely concerned because I want to be a healthy role model for my boys and also around for a long time.  I want to be a participant in their lives and not be on the sidelines and for that I need to be fit.  

I am also worried about money, I think I am going to have to go back to work earlier than was first thought (after 5 months) and this is so disappointing because I feel like I miss so much when I am at work.  I think for the most part, I am a good Mum but the fact that so many other people get to look after my boys and see their firsts brings me down.  On the other hand, if I am working, the money worries for us almost disappear and I can relax a lot more.  It is such a hard choice.

I find myself not having as much patience that I normally have with JBB and he is certainly testing my patience at the moment.  He is also having a bit of a hard time, I think - he has dropped his nap and so is tired all the time and very cranky.  He is trying to assert his authority in many ways and has been very mischievous.  I feel bad because I want to be giving him the attention that he wants but I also need to be giving Boo2 attention.  I hope that we can get back to a good routine soon.

The weather hasn't been helping, it has been absolutely freezing and raining the whole week so getting outside has been a challenge.  I think that we all have a bit of cabin fever at the moment.

The very hard part about being a Mum is that many times, the things that we do to take care of ourselves, means spending a little time away from our kids.  For me, this means that I feel guilty about it and worried that I am missing something.  Time goes so fast and I don't want to miss anything.

I had a bit of a break yesterday, I went and had a coffee with my sister and just verbalising my concerns made me feel a lot better.  I find that once I put these things out in the world, rather than keeping them inside, I feel a lot better.  

Endings and Beginnings...

It is pretty hard to get to the computer at the moment, not much time to spare in the Journey house, lots of feeding, changing, sleeping, bathing and trying to be a good parent going on!!

I went for the 6 week check up with the OB yesterday, the last time that I will see him and all went well.  It has been a pretty tough recovery but all the same, I am recovering well.  He has been a wonderful, wonderful part of the team who have brought JBB and Boo2 into our lives, he was a lovely calm voice in times of white knuckle fear.  He was able to deal with all of my various massive issues with aplomb.  He gave us the wonderful gifts of the safe delivery of our sons, I will always be grateful to him.  I have been given the all clear to do everything in my life, so I am kicking up my exercise plan a gear so that I can get my fitness back.  At one point in my appointment, he did start talking about contraception - seriously, I laughed for a while at that.

I also had my last injection of clexane this week - this was a couple of weeks shy of a year of injections.  I cannot wave goodbye to these forever because I still have to have them when I go on long flights but it is only for three days at departure and 3 days at arrival - no biggie after doing these things for years.  I am SOOOOO happy that I don't have to have them every day anymore, I was well over them by the end.

I had an unwelcome arrival a couple of weeks ago, my stinking period turned up - this despite breastfeeding exclusively - seriously, what is that, it is absolutely crap.  The pain from it was excruciating as well, I was writhing on the floor in the foetal position, it was so bad - worse that the recovery from the c-section.  This happened after JBB as well and if it is the same as that, I have almost a year of this ahead of me **sigh**.

Other endings:

Goodbye 'up the clacker' ultrasounds, I will not miss you

Goodbye progesterone pessaries and spoilt underwear

Goodbye fear inducing pregnancies

Goodbye to handfuls of drugs each day

Goodbye to cancelling family holidays to have cycles

Goodbye to putting our lives on hold

Goodbye to the roller coaster of IVF

Beginnings:

We are thinking of buying land and building a house (eep!!)

I have started my new healthy lifestyle - I have to get fit to keep up with these two boys

We are planning our first 'non-cycle' trip to Thailand (since our honeymoon) in October 2014 - we want the boys to grow up knowing Thailand

Family life - that is what we are the most excited about - living as a family

Boo2 update

He is an absolute darling.  He is finally getting some meat on his bones, he is growing and changing every day - it is a privilege to be his mum.  I am exclusively breastfeeding which I am proud of and I know that he is getting enough because he is a very docile, satisfied baby.  Of course, I am still not getting that much sleep at night but it's worth it to see him growing and flourishing.  He has recovered well from his bronchiolitis but we do have an appointment to see an ear nose and throat specialist because he may have a loose larynx?!?!  He gives us a smile now and he loves to vocalise, he is a little talker.  He loves time to kick around.  He shocked us one night last week when he rolled over though I am pretty sure that was a one off accident at this point.  He is very much like his brother but also very different.

JBB loves his brother, he has been super good with him, always kissing him and wanting to hold him and see him - it is wonderful to see.  He has even improved at swimming lessons, putting his ears in the water when floating on his back because Boo2 can do it in the bath.  JBB is SO excited for him to grow up and play with him.

I am so proud of my boys, I do feel so, so lucky.

A trip to the hospital..

We are definitely mired in that first 6 weeks of feeding, sleeping, waking, changing nappies and repeat and repeat again.  The days have run into each other and whilst I have a million posts running around in my mind, I haven't really had much chance to get on the computer and report what is going on in our lives but mostly it has been dealing in the business of a newborn.  I definitely have found myself enjoying it a lot more this time, I know that it is the last time and it is worth taking the time to pay attention and soak in the experience while it lasts.  Sometimes this can be challenging because there is the serious sleep deprivation but that is normal and at least this time I know that it will end at some point.

Our darling Boo2 caught a virus from JBB and had laboured breathing the other night so we rang the nurses on call and they advised us to go to the hospital.  We took him to to the royal children's and as usual, they were wonderful.  We had to stay the night so that they could observe his breathing and what was happening.  As it turns out, he had bronchiolitis and that was why he was unsettled and his breathing was laboured.

We were able to check out by late morning as they found that he was getting better as time went on, he does make a strange sound when he is breathing so he has been referred to an ear nose and throat consultant - we are waiting to see when our appointment will be.  We also had a follow up appointment with our GP today and thankfully, she gave our little darling the all clear.

It has been an emotionally, physically and mentally draining week.  There was a lot of dejavu in going to the children's because it was where we had to take JBB when he had the Kawasaki disease.  The fear was palpable and I felt sick that my boy was in trouble.

So much of parenting for me is worry and fear and it is something that I am going to have to learn how to control.  My family is absolutely everything to me and the thought of anything happening to it, scares the hell out of me.  With great joy and love also comes great risk to your heart.  It is absolutely worth the risk, but scary none the less.

Thankfully, both of my boys are great - I love them dearly, they saturate me in happiness.

Holding On

Like most around the world, I have held my darling son tighter over the past fews days - I have played with him more, I have not wanted to let him out of my sight.  My heart is grieving for the parents, family and friends of the children and teachers that died in New.town.  It's incomprehensible to me that these poor parents sent their children off to school, I would have thought not worried in the slightest and that this senseless act would happen.

As a parent, I think that has made us all feel a little sick.  That which we have no thought to worrying about, occurring in such a horrifying manner.  It has made me ask the question 'is there any way to bring up a child safely?'  I am a bit of a worrier by nature and though I do try to minimise the worry, I do tend to try to think of every possible way to keep my son safe but really, how can we when such terror lurks in the world.

My country is not perfect, nor is it a safe haven where nothing bad happens but I am very grateful that we have very strict gun laws.  Gun laws that were tightened significantly in the wake of the horrifying Port Arthur Massacre in 1996 in which 35 people were gunned down.  The gunman, who has been said to have some mental issues (I mean surely anyone who guns down 35 people does, right?) but was able to to buy a gun without a gun license or even a drivers license.  My Mum's second cousin was killed in the massacre and it devastated our country.  The government initiated a 'buy back' of guns, funded by a tax payer medicare levy that cost $350 million.  At the time I remember thinking 'worth it'.  

I know that the United States has much greater population and prevalence of guns amongst the population than we had but I hope that the government can enact some tighter gun laws, in my humblest of opinions, this can only make a positive difference.  As I say, this is not to say that my country is perfect, indeed there have been a couple of worrying murders over the past few months of women by men (who were let out of jail despite having extension criminal records and one of whom a judge referred to as being 'not able to be rehabilitated') - I walked the 50 metres to my car in the city on Saturday night very carefully and with breath held until I got in the car and locked the doors.

My heart breaks for the poor people of New.town - I hope that they are able to grieve and mourn their losses in private, away from the glare of the media.  I can't imagine what these poor souls are going through and the days, weeks and months ahead of them much stretch out into eternity.  I hope they find peace.

Bit of a rambly post, I have not meant to be preachy but it is just so hard to imagine that something like this could even happen.  I don't actually understand how another human being could do this - to me it seems that they must be a part of a completely separate species.  It is so incomprehensible.

Barely time to scratch myself + a quick view of JBB (be quick - it won't last!!)

Hi All,

I am sorry that I haven't been commenting - I have got a lot of catching up on blogs to do but I have barely had time to scratch myself just recently. Yesterday I had to ask my Mum to come around for an hour or so, so that I could have a shower!! Our little bundle of joy has been running me ragged. I have had a bit of trouble breastfeeding and today I attended a full day workshop at the hospital with a lactation consultant and now have a bit more confidence back. I lost my confidence when JBB lost weight - I will still be nervous until he gets weighed again next Monday but for the moment, I am going to try to trust that all is okay.

It is very intense, this parenting game. Intense but wonderful. It has been pretty hard with JourneyMan going back to work so quickly and trying to recover from the ceasarean. Much of the time I feel alone and that I need to cope on my own, that part is quite tough - though JourneyMan has been really good with helping out with a feed over night, I really need his help around the house a bit more. That being said - my time with JBB is absolutely wonderful and I wouldn't trade it for the world - I was watching when he learned to blurt, I have learnt how to calm him, I saw when he first smiled, he has fallen asleep on my chest. I am providing him love, comfort and nutrition - honestly, I am the luckiest person in the world.

One thing I will tell you that has moved me greatly when we were in the hospital. JourneyMan and I were marvelling over this perfect little boy who has come in to our lives and JourneyMan said to me 'thank you for all of the work that you did to find out about Thailand, if you hadn't of done all of that research and work, we wouldn't have JBB'. This brought tears to my eyes - it was absolutely wonderful to know that JourneyMan appreciated that I hadn't given up, that I had researched, planned and actioned our Thailand plan - it meant the world to me to hear those words.

Here is a little pic of our JBB - check it out because I don't think that I will keep it up on the blog for long!!