Saturday, October 30, 2010
This post has been bubbling away in me for awhile but I have waited and waited to post it basically because I don't really know how to express myself about it. I have having a tough time articulating my feelings here but I have decided to just go ahead and see what comes out.
There is a lingering feeling of 'what the?' about being a 'Donor Egg Mother'. It is not that I feel separate from JBB, I don't - I couldn't love him any more than I do - I love him with a ferocious, protective passion. It is not that I care that he doesn't look like me, he looks like my fabulous husband which is a wonderfully beautiful thing to me. JBB is beautifully perfect in every way - why would I want to change him?
I think it is because of the label 'Donor Egg Mother'. Why do I feel the need to label myself so when I really am just 'Mother'? I think that the problem here is myself because it plays on that age old fear within me that I never fit in anywhere - maybe I even relish this fact because it is comfortable. Even though I have plenty of friends who are Mum's there is no-one in my life who can exactly relate to how I am feeling.
There is also an element of fear that JBB will be angry because of the choices that we made. I know that it sounds irrational but what if he ends up hating me because of the lengths that we went to to have him?
I also feel some fear about telling our gorgeous JBB. How can we ensure that he understands how his life began? How can we ensure that he understand that we would do anything to bring him into our lives and that he is no different from any other boy?
Sorry, gotta go - JBB is ready to eat!! Will continue this post later (and will update you on how JourneyMan has lost his job - stress city here I tell you!!).
Sunday, October 17, 2010
I have to be super quick as JBB seems to have a sixth sense for when I pick up the computer - he loves to wake up and demand to be fed!! The days have been all JBB all the time lately because although he has been sleeping well at night, he doesn't settle well during the day unless he is in my arms (I can't say that I don't like it because I could hold and stare at him for hours though it does get a bit difficult to get something to eat or even to visit the ladies!!). He is in bed right now so I am hoping for a quick post.
Thanks to all for your comments on our decision to go back to Thailand in 2011 to try for JBBS (Journey Baby Boy's Sibling - thanks Lifeslurper!!). Another reason that I would like to do this asap is that I would like the whole IF experience behind us. I know that sounds awful but over the past few weeks I have started to think about all the things that I will need to do in the lead up to Thailand. I need to get fit again (I have a goal to do a 15km run in April next year) and lose weight (I put on ALOT during the pregnancy with JBB), I will go back to Bikram yoga in the new year, we will need to get the money together for the trip, I will have to start back on the castor oil packs every second day, I will need to go to acupuncture each week and have the stinky herbs, I will need to have my 1 litre of fertility tea each day, I will need to start skin brushing again to detox my body - I am a little bit tired just thinking about it all again. Plus, I also don't want to miss a minute of JBB's life.
That's why I want it over with. Unless we win the lottery, we are only going to go for 2 children so it would be good to have our family all done and dusted. As some of you may remember, we didn't get any embryo's for the freezer last time so we will have to do the whole thing again from scratch. To preempt a question that many people have asked us, no - we won't be using the same donor. There are two main reasons why. Firstly, it would be unlikely that she would be available at the time when we would like to have a new cycle and secondly, JBB was the only viable embryo from the 18 eggs that the donor produced - my thought is 'what if next time there isn't even one?'.
I feel that I have recovered a little from the IF experience - although the bitter laugh that escapes me when my GP, OB and maternal health nurse asked what we are doing about contraception shows that some wounds still linger. However, then the thought of getting ready for Thailand and going again brings back the scary doubts and literal horror I feel at not acheiving a BFP from another cycle. There is also some part of me that still wrestles with the small hope that maybe if I had of had the blood thinning injections in the previous cycles with my own eggs - could I have gotten pregnant that way? Should we try another cycle here before we head to Thailand? 99.9% of the time I think 'no' basically because it was not really about implantation for me, it was the fact that I didn't respond to the drugs and that my ovaries couldn't seem to mature more than one egg at a time even if they were taken out of my body and beaten into submission but there does exist that small hope.
I actually don't really understand that small part of myself either because when I look at JBB and there is no chance of him looking like me, I don't care - especially when he recognises my voice and gives me a smile or when someone else is holding him and he won't settle and then I take him and sing to him and he settles beautifully and when I know from how he is crying what he wants. I am his Mum and I couldn't give a fat rats clacker whether he looks like me or not. The pragmatic part of me thinks 'what difference would it make if a child was from my egg?' to which the answer is absolutely nothing. Therefore, why would I try again with my own eggs with little or no chance or try in Thailand with a donor and have a 50%+ chance? After all, it wasn't as if it was only one cycle we tried with my own eggs, it was 5 cycles during which time we got bugger all embryo's to transfer (3 to be exact).
Okay - sorry this post has been all over the place - it is a bit of a stream of consciousness. Gotta go people - JBB is stirring!!!
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Cripes - I realised that I hadn't posted in 3 weeks, honestly - it felt like only 3 days ago time is moving so quickly!! Motherhood is wonderful, I am loving every minute of it and JBB is growing like a little weed!!
He has started to smile which is absolutely heart melting and I am constantly trying to make him smile all the time which I am sure is quite exhausting for him. He has teased us a few times with some long sleeps - one night he slept for 6 hours and one night he slept for 7 hours (which was bliss!!) but for the most part he is sleeping for around 3-4 hours at a time.
I feel like I have settled in to motherhood now. At the beginning I was worried every minute that I was doing something wrong or that I was going to hurt him. Now that things have settled down a bit, I am feeling more confident that I can settle him if he is crying or attend to whatever need that he has at a time. I am starting to trust myself with him a bit more.
We have also started talking about when we are going back to Thailand to get a little brother or sister for JBB and we are hoping to go back in July next year - whoo hoo, I am very excited!! JourneyMan couldn't believe that I wanted to do it so quickly but there are some practical reasons to get moving so soon - firstly, I am going to be turning 40 next year and I would like to be pregnant again before I hit the big four O. Secondly, the OB has said that your body stays more prepared for another pregnancy for 12 months after the birth of the first one so as always, I would like to give myself the best chance of conceiving so that is the main reason that we will go back.
The days seem to speed by at the moment - I have had a lot on and I am hoping that it will settle down a bit over the next month. I think that JBB and I have been going out a bit too much lately - I am going to try to stay home a bit more over the next month. I think that after not driving for 6 weeks, I got a bit carried away and started going out to too many places!! I went to the OB at 6 weeks and all was excellent, which was great.
I did have a momentous occasion at 6 weeks - I was able to stop the blood thinning injections. Whoo hooo - that was a great day since I had been having hte daily injections since November and I was pretty over it (though I do think it was a critical factor in the success of my conception and pregnancy of JBB so I will not complain too much!!). Now I only take my vitamins every day which is lovely!
I took JBB in to work on Wednesday and boy was he a show stopper. He had bit smiles for all the girls - I think he is going to be a heart breaker for sure!!
Well, I have to catch up on some reading - I promise to post more often!!