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Wednesday, August 31, 2011

An Obsession..

Whilst I spend as much of my time taking care of and playing with JBB, whenever we are apart, my mind is solely on Thailand and our second donor cycle. I am absolutely obsessed.

Just as an update on where we are at in the cycle: The period is due this weekend and then on 4 September, I start the birth control pill as well as the Clexane injections. We have paid the donor and we have paid most of the cycle costs, we are go for launch in less than 5 weeks!!!

Anyway, I was talking about obsession. I have several spreadsheets of planning, which includes a full packing list, I have budgeted and rebudgeted and no doubt will budget again, JourneyMan has contacted the airline about checking our pram at the gate, I have researched some JBB friendly activities close to our Bangkok hotel for us to enjoy as a family, every day I research more and more and my spreadsheets grow bigger and bigger. I am drinking my fertility tea, doing my castor oil packs, taking handfuls of vitamins, having acupuncture and the stinky herbs (she has just changed mine and bloody hell, they are rank) and I am listening to my subliminals every night!! I have actually started packing, JourneyMan made copies of all our documents and the document wallet is done, I have bought all of the bits and pieces and should be able to get the toiletry bags together over the weekend. I am constantly thinking of how we can keep JBB entertained on the flights. I think I need to add a fertility hypnosis to my day. I check the weather in Bangkok and Koh Samui every day (just as a matter of interest, it is the rainy season when we are going so we are expecting to get wet though at least we will be warm after a very long and cold winter). I can't help but research success rates of donor cycles and hope against hope that we are very, very lucky once again. I am thinking, considering, planning, researching and doing everything that I can.

I think that last weeks confluence of events was the bad talk that I had going on in my head but I think I am finally letting go of that though I have been very hard on myself and that is something that I need to improve. I have always been one to beat up on myself but thought I had improved dramatically over the years. Somehow though, once we were all booked in for this cycle, the negativity towards myself went into overdrive - I think because of the fear, that all consuming dread that I might end up back in the dark hole of IF negatives. I'm pulling myself together again now, I'm trying to be nicer to myself, I am trying to hold peace and hope in my heart (it helps to look at JBB and be thankful that we have such a beautiful, perfect little boy!!)

I think that the obsession will continue...

Saturday, August 27, 2011

A week of shite...

This week has been the week from hell. I mean, I thought it would be because I had heaps of crap appointments mainly to get my horrible teeth fixed before what is hopefully a successful cycle and a pregnancy.

As a bit of a back story to this week, I have been afraid, so very afraid of a negative result. I feel like I'm holding on by a thread right now. I am absolutely exhausted and as normal with any cycle, the toll that it takes, psychologically, physically, financially and time wise is huge. I am trying to be positive. I am trying very hard not to think of the bad side of what could happen but sometimes it bubbles up within me and this week, it has happened on a number of occasions.

The week started with a visit to the endodontist to get the root canal continued on this was the one that acted up during the pregnancy with JBB and I finally got around to getting it fixed. I absolutely hate the dentist and I have already had a few root canals done and they were not pleasant. This one was no exception and of course it was horrible. The surprising part about it was that I was so tired that I started to fall asleep in it - how is that even possible, I was tensed up like you wouldn't believe - it goes to show you how tired I am, I guess.

The other thing of note that I did on Monday was drop my iPhone in the bath. I am honestly a cautionary tale around these bloody phones, 24 hours after I first got the iPhone, I drowned the thing in cola in my handbag and now this. I knew I would have to go to the Apple store to get it either fixed or replaced and that it was going to cost us money. I seem to be doing stupid things every day at this point.

On Tuesday, I was at the dentist - it was a continuation of the hour that I spent there on JBB's birthday the previous Friday. I had 5 fillings, can you believe it - 5, how is that even possible that I could need 5, seriously, it was really painful, my gums are absolutely shattered from all of the clamps, needles etc. The worse part of this was that it was during work and my friend, who I work with, was not feeling well and was looking at going home after I got back but it took so much longer than I thought and I was in the horrors that she could't leave because I was still gone. Finally I got back to work and thankfully she was feeling better but then I had to leave at my normal time because I had to go and get my phone fixed.

Wednesday, I had the lovely chance to take JBB to get his 1 year old immunisations and I also had to get the stitches removed from my leg as I had a cyst removed (thankfully it was just lymph and not melanoma which I was afraid of since that is what Dad's cancer originated as). JBB was very brave, especially since he had 3 injections, poor thing!! That night I had a bath with JBB and sat down to get him ready for bed and the wound where the stitches were ripped open. It was painful but the worst part was thinking that I would have to go to another bloody doctors appointment. JourneyMan took over putting JBB to bed and I called my Mum and she came around to have a look at it - she went up to the chemist and got some dressings to pull it together. Unfortunately, this small incident was enough for me to collapse into floods of tears. It wasn't really about the stitches, it was about the cycle, it was about being exhausted, it was about stress. Mum gave me a big hug and I got myself together a bit.

Thursday, I was back at the dentist for a cleaning, which was stinkingly painful because my gums were so sore from the previous work that I have had done. I also got the bill for the previous work I had done and I realized that altogether it would be costing us more than $3,000 and that is with the health care refunds - don't even get me started on my useless health insurance provider. My friend from work came with me to this appointment and poor her, she bore the brunt of another flood of tears. This money makes our cycle very difficult indeed to pay for - I am sooooo angry with myself for not realising the cost and putting us under even more pressure financially. How dumb can I be not looking in to this first but I really thought that I was doing the right thing. It took me awhile to get the tears back under control but finally did it but feel very stupid at the trouble I have caused us.

On Friday, the only appointment was with the maternal health nurse to see how JBB was tracking and people, her words were 'he is perfect' this we already knew but honestly, it was nice to hear. He is in the 95th percentile for height, he is going to be one tall dude I believe!! His weight is excellent and so is his development which is just lovely to hear. We all went to my Mum and Dad's for dinner and then I stayed to watch the footy with my Dad and JourneyMan took JBB home for bed.

That brings me to today. I have my acupuncture appointment on Saturday's and as I was pulling in to a car spot and scraped the car along another car. I left a note on the car with my phone number and everything and then had to continue on to my appointment and when my acupuncturist asked me how I am, well, of course, the floods of tears came again. Honestly, I am a mess.

I am hoping that I can get myself together, I really need to be in a better frame of mind before the trip and cycle. This week is a little less daunting and thankfully the dental work will be finished on Monday with a final trip to the dentist for another filling and the endodontist to complete the root canal. Hopefully I can then start to relax - yeah right.

Friday, August 19, 2011

JBB is One Year Old - an amazing year!!

I was up at 4am this morning, cos that is when JBB woke up. I was up at 4am on this day last year too but that was because I was so excited to meet JBB. It has been an amazing year because of one amazing little guy.

Let's talk about how amazing he is - well firstly, he was the only embryo to survive out of 8 embryos (and 18 eggs collected!!). He got to full term in my half size (or a little bigger my fertility specialist says) unicornuate uterus!! He was healthy when he was born and despite losing a little weight in the hospital he has absolutely thrived. Many people have asked if he is two, he is so tall (like his Dad).

We have had the best fun today. He woke his Dad up at 6am, saying (very loudly) Dadda!! He had a ball in pressie corner - we gave him a plastic hammer and nail set and P.S. - we get the prize for most ill advised first birthday present for a boy, ever!! He got the hang of the hammer straight away and has been hammering the hell out of all of his toys all day!! We also got him some bubble stuff (he thinks that they are fabulous), some punching balloons and pool toy to take to Thailand.

After some lovely play time, he went for a big sleep and then I had to go to the dentist (boooo, I hate the dentist and more on that tomorrow) so JourneyMan's mum came over to babysit him, she was so happy to see him on his birthday. When I got home, I had a coffee (decaffinated of course!!) with JBB's Nanna and then we went around to see my Mum and Dad where he had another pressie corner. My Mum told me that she had a message from her Mum that day. She had been looking through some of Nanna's old holiday books (which she had looked through many times before) and all of a sudden some folded up money fell out of the books - it had been in there since Nanna had had them. So Mum gave the money to JBB for his birthday, she was sure that was Nanna's message to her. We cried when my Mum told me about it - we both miss her so much, especially at this time of year because my birthday is on the 6th of August and both my Mum and Nanna's are on the 7th of August. I have been talking to her lately (when I am in the bathroom, there are some coloured bottles of hers that I talk to - crazy, me?!?!? No!!!), asking for her help for us to be successful in Thailand. I have also been talking my Dad's Mum (my Auntie gave me a big, white bear from her for JBB), she loves little girls, so I have been asking for her help for JBB to have a little sister (not that I care too much because I just want a healthy baby).

Anyway, back to JBB's birthday. He had a little afternoon sleep and since then we have been playing with his balloons, making bubbles and playing peek-a-boo!! I am looking forward to JourneyMan getting home from work so we can have a lovely family dinner and singing happy birthday to the birthday boy (for about the 30th time today!!).

All day, I haven't been able to stop thinking about this day 12 months ago. The fear and excitement of getting to the hospital and having the ceasarean. I can't help but remember the pain of the spinal block, I started crying because it hurt and then couldn't stop crying - I think because of the built up emotion of the past 9 months and really the 3 years before that. I don't think in the pregnancy, I ever really let go of the fear that something would happen. Once I started crying, I couldn't stop and when they let JourneyMan back in and he asked how I was, I started crying harder. Only minutes later I heard JBB cry for the first time (like a little squeaky toy) and the absolute relief and utter joy that hit me caused more floods of tears. His little face as they cleaned the goop off him right in front of me is imprinted in my brain for ever.

After that, I went to recovery and JourneyMan went with JBB - he has shown me the video's since and we watched it again the other night - I can't believe how small he was, I can't believe how much he has grown. I can't believe the miracle of changes, development and learning that happen in front of my eyes every day. On that day though, I saw JBB again wrapped and in the arms of JourneyMan, it was a beautiful sight!! The rest of the day past by in a blur of first breastfeeding and many, many visitors. The feeling of joy and contentment that I felt that day have not gone away.

This message is especially for JBB:

You have changed my life completely. You're smiles make my days happy, your laugh makes my heart overflow with joy, your cries make me want to wrap you up and comfort you forever. The giggles that you have when you falling asleep make me giggle uncontrollably (and also not want to put you to bed!). When you said 'Mummy' for the first time (and every subsequent time!), my heart melted. When you give me kisses, I want to hug you and never let you go! You are so smart, you have learnt so much in such a short time, you are curious about everything and the way that you love other people shows how big a heart you have. You were worth waiting for, my darling, I love every minute we get to be together. Happy Birthday and my this be the first of many, many, many more!!

Sunday, August 14, 2011

The Party is Over....

Thanks for your comments, guys - honestly the IF community is serious wonderful - you can disappear of the face of the earth and then come back and some people are still reading and supporting - you are great!

So, the party!! It was a lovely day and night and we all had an absolutely wonderful time at the party!! Gosh, it has been a full on few days though!! I finished work on Thursday afternoon and it was go, go, go until a couple of hours ago when Journeyman and I sat down and sighed with relief that it was all done!

I got my 75 cupcakes made and decorated and into the shape of a number 1 for Riley's birthday cake - I think that they looked lovely, I am really proud of them and it was such a labour of love. As I decorated each little cupcake that I thought about all of the love and joy that JBB has brought into my life over the past year and I put all of that love into the cakes - it made me so happy to make the cake for him and I am going to do it every year for him (and hopefully a sister or brother for him). I really like baking and even though he won't know or remember, it is something special that I want to do for him.

JBB was such a trooper at the party. He had luckily had a big sleep just before we went to the party at 3pm and he had a wonderful time despite it being hugely loud and overwhelming (for me anyway!!). A girlfriend from work did face painting and balloon animals for the 23 kids that attended and she was a big hit. She actually brought along bubble machine and that charmed the heck out of JBB, he loved the bubbles and fought hard for a spot in front to catch them!!

For me, turning 40 was strange - basically because I literally am having trouble believing that I am 40. I am not afraid of it, I mean, my life is absolutely wonderful, I have a sensational husband, a gorgeous miracle son, unbelievable supportive family including 2 wonderful sisters, a brilliant brother, fabulous nieces and nephews, the best Mum and Dad in the world, an Aunty who is like a second mother to me a best friend (who I've known since I was 7 and now work with) who is the most supportive, fun, amazing friend in the world!! I have great in-laws who I love and an amazing bunch of friends who are always there for me to listen, provide sage advice or to just make me laugh.

Don't get me wrong, my life is not perfect. My poor Dad is wasting away, he is not even getting out of bed at the moment and it is breaking my heart to see a once, extremely vital man becoming more and more frail. I am also in alot of pain most 6 out of every 7 days at the moment - I don't know what happened after the pregnancy but the unicornuate uterus is giving me some serious grief right now. I had my third laparoscopy a few weeks ago to see if it could help alleviate the pain but unfortuately it didn't seem to do a great deal to help. My fertility specialist has said that my best option will be to have a full hysterectomy after I am done having the babies. That is just too big to even contemplate right now so I am putting it on the back burner.

Still though - the party yesterday made realise again how lucky I am. I am not a huge fan of parties, I get very stressed, especially in the lead up to and certainly, I don't like the attention being on me - it helped alot though that I was sharing the party with the real star of the show, JBB - that little treasure was the main attraction and that is the way is should be.

So, I am now 40, I thought I would be a bit more upset but honestly, how can I be upset with the life I have - as my bestie would say 'get a real problem!'. I have been wanting to do a retrospective of my 30's because they do bear some reflection, I will hopefully get to that this week.

So, JBB's real birthday is this Friday, so the festival of birthday fun will continue this week but I am knuckling down people, Thailand is my focus - it is time to dig in, concentrate on what needs to be done to be successful on this cycle and get in amongst it and do it!!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Back for round 2 (is anyone there?)

It’s been a long time since I have posted and too many things to catch up on in one post so I am going to focus on what is coming up.

Firstly, JBB and I are having a combined 1st and 40th birthday party this weekend at our local church hall from 3-8pm. There are around 50 adults and 23 children there, so it is going to be big and loads of fun. I can’t hardly believe that JBB is almost one year old, this year has gone so fast it’s unbelievable!!

Let’s talk about little JBB for awhile!! Well, he is just gorgeous and he is the absolute joy of my life. The poor thing was sick over the weekend (my birthday) and it has taken him awhile to recover, I am hoping he is going to be fit and well for the party.

He is jabbering away all of the time now, he can say ‘Mum’, ‘Dad’, ‘Nan’, Baby’, Bubba - but his favourite word at the moment is ‘Puppy’ – he loves saying Puppy and he loves JourneyDog who is Woolly, those two crack me up when they play together. He has not taken a step yet but he is on the absolute cusp – he can stand on his own and clap, he thinks he is it and a bit (and of course, he is!!) – he is in to everything around the house and when he crawls, he is sooooo fast!!

My birthday on the weekend was a bust because poor little JBB was sick and the party on Saturday is mainly for him – I hope that he is not too overwhelmed. My main goal on Saturday morning is to ensure that he gets heaps of sleep so he is raring to go at the party. A friend from work is a children’s party entertainer so she is doing face painting and balloon animals for the 23 kids that are coming along. I am making a cupcake cake in the shape of a ‘1’ for JBB – since the party is being catered, I really wanted to make something just for him. I did a test batch of the cupcakes last night and they tasted pretty good so it should be fun.

After that, I am ready to hunker down and be completely focussed on Thailand. As of today, there is only 55 days to go. I have been going to acupuncture, taking the chinese herbs, I listen to my subliminals each night, drinking fertility tea each day, I haven’t started the castor oil packs as yet, am going to do that tonight – it is all pretty much go but it has not been easy. With my Dad being sick, my Mum is run off her feet and can’t baby sit so I am having trouble with appointments with the little JBB in tow. I don’t feel as relaxed as last time, in fact, I am absolutely exhausted but I am hoping the 6 days in Thailand before the transfer will help to refresh me.

I feel quite alone in this cycle. Last time I felt like I had a lot of people really pulling for me but this time I feel it is our little family affair – everyone else has much stuff of their own on and I think a lot of people feel that since we already have JBB, it is not as big a deal. It feels like a big deal to me, in fact, in some ways it feels harder this time (in some ways it is easier too because we have had success before). I am extremely fearful of being dragged back into that black hole of cycle bfn. I am already preparing the barricades around myself.

I really hope that we will be successful. I really hope JBB will have a sibling. I really hope that after this, our cycle days will be over. I hope.