A big update....

Wow, it has been awhile since I posted but most of that time was the Christmas rush as well as our holiday to the beach.  Here is a big update of what's been happening with everything over the past couple of weeks:

Christmas:

Well, Christmas was very full on.  The week before Christmas was a blur of packing, getting final presents, wrapping and helping out my Mum because she had 20 people over to her place for a Christmas gathering on the Sunday and 20 people coming over for Christmas lunch on Christmas day.  It was crazy times.  The Sunday of the Christmas gathering for my Mum's brother and his family was massively hot - originally we were going to have it outside but it was just too hot so we had our day inside.  JBB was also really tired and we were going to leave early because I thought we had no chance of being able to get him to have a sleep while all the kids were playing but he came up to me and said 'tired Mummy', so I put him to bed and he had about 2 hours sleep which was fabulous.

On Christmas eve, I spent the day finishing our packing for our trip away.  I also had packed us all bags for Christmas day because we would be leaving at 7am and would not be back to the house until after 9pm.  Once I had most of our house in order, I went around to my Mum's place and helped her get ready for the 20 people Christmas lunch.  I also had to make my maple syrup pork belly and a dessert for Christmas night with JourneyMan's family.

My younger sister is getting married in the New Year to a lovely man of Indian heritage and we always have dinner together at my Mum's place on Christmas eve and watch the Carols by Candlelight on the TV.  This year we decided to honour the Thai and Indian heritage in our families and we made a Thai and Indian feast, it was delicious!!  Thankfully it wasn't too late a night because we knew that Christmas day was going to be a very full on day.

On Christmas morning, JBB was up at 5:15am and Father Christmas had visited this very good boy!! It took him a little bit of time to get in the hang of opening up the presents but after awhile, he was very proficient and 'ripping it'.  He had such a good morning.  Father Christmas gave him some clothes, some Thomas train tracks and trains and a new bike - he was very, very spoilt!!

After a play with the toys and a shower and bath for everyone, we headed over to Mum's place for another round of presents (we were all very spoiled!!) and breakfast.  It was a big cooking day so basically we were cooking and organising from about 9:30am to we sat down to lunch at about 1pm.  Lunch was a bit scattered this year so we are looking at a change of format for next year to make it a bit easier for everyone involved!!

After lunch it was more presents and Christmas pudding and then we watched the dvd of photo's from my Dad's funeral - we wanted to have some recognition of him and it was nice to see all the lovely photos again.  It was very emotional though and thoughout Christmas time, I found I was grieving a lot of the time.  My Dad loved Christmas and I missed him so much, it was very hard.

After that we headed on the 90min drive to JourneyMan's sister's place for Christmas dinner and presents with JourneyMan's family.  The drive was super tough, JourneyMan needed to have a sleep so I drove most of the way and by the time we got there, we were all exhausted.  It was nice to see JourneyMan's family and spend time and have presents with them but it was 9pm by the time we got home and it was just too much in one day.  We are going to have to think about what will happen next year because that was really too much.

Once we got home, we finished our packing and took down the Christmas tree and tried to clean up as much as possible - we needed an early night because we were leaving for our holiday the next day at 4am.

Boxing Day

As it happens, I set the alarm to pm rather than am so we didn't get quite the early start that we wanted. We ended up leaving at 5:30am but that was okay because we still missed most of the traffic and JBB was pretty good in the car.  We stopped about 90 mins down the road for breakfast and then stopped again around 90mins later to take JBB to a big park along the way.  We had a pretty good break there and then continued on for the rest of the 7 hour trip.  JBB fell asleep so we continued to drive and he didn't wake until we almost reached our destination which was fantastic.  We stayed in a cabin and got ourselves organised and unpacked.  My brother, his wife and their 2 daughters arrived about 2 hours after us so we went and helped them to set up their tent.  My Mum, Sister and two of her boys arrived a couple of hours after that and we were all there.  We had an early night and commenced our holiday.

Holiday

I can't believe how quickly those 10 days went - it was like the blink of an eye.  JBB had the best time every day playing with his cousins and there was never ending entertainment with a pool, a playground with a jumping pillow and the beach all within a few minutes walk of our cabin.  JBB was beside himself he was so happy.  The weather was beautiful though we didn't do a great deal of sight seeing because we were a bit like slaves to JBB's schedule.  He gets up between 5-6am so JourneyMan and I take turns in getting up with him and taking him away so that the other one can have a sleep in and I tell you, I needed it, I was absolutely exhausted.  Thankfully, JBB still has his afternoon sleep so most days I also had an afternoon sleep - it was bliss.  I got a lot of reading and sleeping done on the holiday but that was about it.

It was very sad up there too though.  My Mum and Dad started taking us to this holiday place when I was about 8 years old - we have all been going up there ever since.  It was very hard this year up there without Dad and sometimes I was overwhelmed with sadness.   I know that it is stupid and doesn't make sense but I think some part of me was hoping that he would be there when we went there because he always was.  We are thinking it might be our last year of going up there though I am not sure of it yet - we will look at our options.

Home

We got home on Saturday and immediately set about unpacking, washing and cleaning the house.  We both had to go back to work on Monday so we had to get on to things straight away.  Yesterday was a pretty lazy day though I had the cramps and a headache big time so I didn't get to organise our food for the week - looks like it is going to be a bit of a slap dash week.

Boo2 (New baby)

So, most of the time everything has been going well with Boo2.  Before Christmas I rented a doppler because I was starting to have panic attacks that something was wrong and this helped to keep everything on track.  Most of the time I have been feeling pretty good but the cramps are becoming more and more frequent now which is not only painful but very worrying (even though I had this with JBB, I still can't stop myself from worrying).  They have been so bad that I have been having trouble walking, yesterday was an especially bad bout.

21 week scan

So, Boo2 is growing well and is measuring correctly and in the anatomy scan, we have found that everything is in its rightful place but today we found out that I have only a 2 vessel placenta and not the normal 3 vessel one.  I have read up what this means on the internet and I am very scared though I am trying to keep my panic to a minimum until I see the OB tomorrow - then I have many, many questions to ask.  I hope and pray that everything is okay with my little baby boy, Boo2 but as usual, the panic threatens to take over at any minute.  I am very worried.

17 Weeks and 2 Weeks to Christmas...

It is such a busy time of year and I realised yesterday that I finish work for our Christmas break on Thursday week – SOOOOOOO excited!!  There is so much that I have to do before then.  I have about 12 lists going of all the things that I need to do.

Thankfully, I have done most of my Christmas shopping and have already started wrapping the presents – this is pretty much a miracle for me because I am usually wrapping presents late into Christmas eve watching the carols by candelight on TV.  I am wanting to keep Christmas eve nice and free this year so that I can help my Mum out with Christmas day preparations but also to be there for her because she is without Dad this year.  She has also been sick so it is really important to be there for her and help her out – she also has so much to do.

I am trying to break the back of my ‘to do’ list (which at this stage is very long!) by the end of this week but I don’t know how successful I will be because I really have a lot to do.  Of course the weekends are getting busier and busier with things that I am going to on most days in the lead up to Christmas.

I was really busy last Friday and Saturday with shopping and running errands that I got really bad cramps on Saturday afternoon.  I have found that if I do too much or get too tired, I get really bad cramps and basically can’t walk around or anything.  I am going to have to be super duper careful over the coming weeks to ensure that I don’t push it and cause myself and the baby some distress.

Christmas day is going to be very full on as well, we have Father Christmas pressie corner at our place in the morning and then go around to my Mum’s place for another pressie corner and then we have lunch with my family and then drive for an hour an a half to have dinner with JourneyMan’s family and then we are hoping to be home at about 8:30pm so that we can finish our packing and leave at 4am on Boxing Day to drive to our holiday destination on the coast (about 7 hours of driving away).  I am going to keep as much of my energy reserved for those two massive days and then we have 10 lovely days of fun in the sun as a family.

We also got an invitation to a wonderful friend’s wedding on the 12^th of January and I am super excited to go but it is a black tie wedding and we are going to have to get ourselves organised in the next week with our outfits and babysitting for JBB because the wedding is only a few days after we get back from our holidays!!

It is such a busy time but still I look at last year and am so happy that we are where we are this year.  I think that the biggest lesson that the IF journey has taught me is that things do not need to be perfect to be happy – this is a big lesson for me as I tend to be a bit of a perfectionist.  We have our worries and sadness at the moment but it is wonderful to have all the gifts that we have been blessed with, so lucky.

What a Difference a Year Makes....

Yesterday, I cried with joy.  We put up our Christmas tree and whilst the tree itself is a study in imperfection (a bit lopsided, not all lights working, the star has seen better days) the moment was perfection itself.  I watched as my beautiful, miraculous son delighted in placing every bauble on the tree.  My stomach felt heavy with the weight of our new baby coming.  My husband and I exchanged looks and hugs of joy as the perfect afternoon of family enveloped us.  This morning, I took my son to the Wiggles final tour where he and his cousin sat enthralled, danced and sang to the Wiggles songs.  This afternoon, we instituted a new family tradition - Sunday evening movie night and all through December we are watching Christmas movies.  JBB sat between us, eating popcorn and watching the movie - he smiled, laughed and enjoyed himself.  He didn't last the whole movie but no matter, we had an amazing time.

This time last year could not have been more different.  JBB had been fighting sickness all week and on this day last year, I sat in the hospital, comforting my beautiful, sick boy - my heart was clenched in fear, I was not recovered from the failed cycle in October / November and I thought my first miracle could be taken away from me.  I was absolutely exhausted from sleepless night after sleepless night but nothing was worse that the fear that my little boy was hurting and may be irrevocably damaged from a mysterious disease.  I was beyond feeling by that point.  The only thing that I could focus on was pouring all my energy, love and attention in getting my boy better.

I changed from that experience last year.  It has taken me a long, long time to recover.  I felt like I had received too many blows and I was no longer able to function as a valuable parent, wife, friend, daughter, sister or niece.  Only mere weeks after JBB was out of the hospital and recovered, I went to Thailand for another cycle, a failed one and only weeks after that my Father found that he had the cancer back.  In hindsight it was lunacy going to Thailand for that cycle - I was a complete zombie.  I was absolutely empty and no where near recovered from JBB being sick.  I wouldn't really recover from these experiences until I had some serious counselling months into the year.

The joy that I have felt over this wonderful weekend is tinged with the loss of my Dad but he loved Christmas, it has always been a special, special time for his family.  Ever since I can remember, even last year, in December he would always say to us 'he's on his way'.  It makes me happy to think of him, remember him and I will pass this on to my boys and he will live on in my memory.

I feel so grateful.  Since the beginning of our journey into the would of IF, Christmas time was always a marker to me.  Before our journey, it was unreservedly my favourite time of year but as our journey progressed, it became a marker.  For many years, a marker of sadness from failed cycles and yearning for the completion of my family.  When we were given the gift of a successful cycle in December 2009 (we got a BFP on Christmas day), it was the best gift I had been given in my life - a beautiful Christmas miracle.  2010 was also memorable for being JBB's first Christmas with us.  2011 was a difficult one.  

I am not naive enough to think that the 'worst' is over.  I am sure life has many ups and downs to throw our way.  What I have realised when thinking about the terror of losing everything last year to the utter joy that I have felt in the past couple of days is to really sit in the moments of joy that you experience.  Make the most of them, enjoy them and be thankful every day that you have them.  We don't know what tomorrow may hold and I try not to worry about what is to be.  

Today, as I sit and write this post, I couldn't be any happier than I am right now and coming from 12 months ago being in such a dark place shows me how quickly that things can turn around.  My wish for all of you is that you revel in your joyous times and if you are in a dark place, please take comfort that happiness is never that far away, despite how dark it is.

For me, I am grateful for my family.  My wonderful husband whose comfort, humour and love have saved me many times in our years together - I love him more with each passing year.  My precious son, whose personality, capacity to learn and gentle nature amaze me every day.  The new baby that sits so close to my heart who I can't wait to shower with love - I am so excited to see his personality emerge.  Last but definitely not least is my little JourneyDog who is Woolly.  People told me that he would become less important to me when the babies came along but they misjudge my loyalty - especially because he has provided such comfort to me on our journey.  I am so grateful for my family.

Arrived in Thailand - belated Merry Christmas!

So, it has been a super busy, absolutely crazy holiday season - so much so that I haven't had a chance to post.

Firstly, Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays everyone - I hope that you are having a happy and safe time!!!

I am in Bangkok at the clinic, waiting for the results of the blood test and I will have a scan soon. But first, let me tell you about Christmas and how I got here!

I finished work on Friday and then had plenty to keep my busy in the lead up to Christmas day on Sunday. I had to do food shopping, start cooking my maple syrup and apple cider braised pork belly that takes 8 hours to cook, finish Christmas shopping for my Mum (I go with my sister every year and we make sure our Mum gets a haul of pressies like she gives out to everyone else), get my hair cut and spend as many minutes as possible with JBB before I had to leave.

Speaking of JBB, he had been pretty cranky and he also decided that he was going to change his waking up time at this point back to 5am so that was a little added bonus for us. Let me just tell you 5am starts + late nights = one tired JourneyGirl!! Christmas eve was really nice. We went around to my mum and dad's to finish wrapping our present and to watch Carols by Candlelight. JourneyMan took JBB home to bed early and he was finishing putting his trike together. When I got home, we wrapped and organised JBB's present together - it was another of those moments I have always dreamed of. We have spoiled him rotten but it was worth it to see his face on Christmas morning. We had a lovely time opening presents as a family.

Also early on Christmas morning, I realised that I had turned the oven off on the pork belly on Christmas eve but forgot to put it in the fridge and it had been a really hot night. I couldn't risk making everyone sick so I had to throw it all out - very painful I tell you.

Christmas day continued and sure enough, the Melbourne weather delivered a crazy day - it was super hot and humid and then in the afternoon we had massive thunderstorms, with many suburbs having flash flooding and hail damage - it's been awhile since we had one of those Christmases. Our lunch with my family was lovely and then we went to JourneyMan's family for dinner and that was also great!! By the evening, JBB was absolutely exhausted (I don't mind telling you that I was as well!!) so we took him home and he went to bed a very happy but exhausted boy. It was a really lovely Christmas, it was all about family and that was the best!!

On Boxing day, we decided to spend a quiet day in rather than go out after the business of the day before. I had my last acupuncture session and then we had a nice walk with JBB. I spent as much time with him as I could though it seemed surreal that I was leaving for Thailand that night. We had a lovely story time and he went to bed early and we headed off to see my bestie before going to the airport.

At the airport, I found out that I hadn't brought the credit card that I book the ticket with and they wouldn't let me on the flight without it. I called JourneyMan in floods of tears and he very kindly raced home and back (we live about 45mins from the airport) - he got back in time and I was allowed on the flight but not before I berated myself hugely for being such an idiot - I remember reading that on the printout and then promptly forgot. JourneyMan was my saviour last night - he was so good and supportive, I honestly am extremely lucky to have him as my husband - he is wonderful. I also got some excellent text support from my bestie and my Mum.

So, that was why I couldn't do my normal post at the airport - as soon as I cleared immigration, they were boarding the flight. I was like a crazy woman going through the airport with streams of tears running down my face. I have done so many stupid things over the past month, mostly out of character things so I think that the exhaustion is really having an effect. Thankfully, the flight was a pretty good one and I slept alot of the time so I feel better this morning though I have gone straight from the airport to the hotel, had a quick bath and then walked to the clinic (the hotel I am in this time is closer to the clinic and it was a nice walk!!).

I hope that everything will be okay with the scan - I am looking forward to getting back to the hotel and really relaxing and getting focussed on this cycle and ensuring that I am as ready as possible on New Years Day.

I miss all my boys but hopefully, I will be able to get what we all want (except for maybe JourneyDog - I think the jury might be out for him) and bring home a sister or brother (or both!) for our darling JBB.

4 More Sleeps – what the?!?!

**Firstly, I want warn out there who is still struggling with IF that this post is pretty chipper and happy and talks about Christmas with our son - I know how hard it is at this time of the year to read posts like this one if you are in the midst of some turbulent times as many of my bloggy friends are, I won't be offended if you move onto another blog. My heart goes out to you all, you are brave, tough souls - I wish you all the best and hope that you are able to recover and deal with the holidays in whatever way and I will hope against hope that 2012 will be your year!**

Seriously, I am in a time warp – although work seems to be going very, very slow – the days are whizzing by and there are only 4 more days until I leave for Thailand and cycle 2.1 and Christmas is in there – holy cow, how is that even possible!?!?!

I still have quite a bit to do. I am working today and tomorrow and then I am cooking some slow braised pork (with maple syrup, apple cider and mustard – yum!!) for Christmas day at my Aunt’s place as well as a chocolate ripple cake (most Aussies will know what this is, a very simple ‘cake’ made of chocolate biscuits and cream that softens overnight to become cake like) and a Greek salad for JourneyMan’s Mum and Dad’s place. I tried to go as simply as possible with the cooking since I am working full time in the lead up to Christmas – last year I took on a bit too much.

On Saturday, I am also booked in to get my hair cut (it’s gotten so long now that it is annoying me and it also doesn’t look good so I am lopping it off, plus you are not supposed to have your hair coloured in the first trimester and I really hope that I am pregnant in the New Year) and then am meeting up with my sister and Dad (I think he is coming) to organise presents for my Mum. Pretty much all time is booked until Boxing Day and then I am flying out that night. I am hoping that I will be so tired that I will sleep the 9 hours on the way to Thailand!!

I was at the shops until 10pm last night and then wrapping presents until 12:30am. JBB woke up when I was going to bed and then I fell over and jarred my back after I had sat in with him for about 40mins – poor JourneyMan had to come to the rescue and then had the job of getting JBB back to sleep. JourneyMan is finished work though the lucky duck!! I had to really drag my arse out of bed this morning, I am really ready for work to be over!!

All that being said, I am really, really excited about Christmas this year and have finally found my Christmas spirit!! I have had a ball buying JBB and JourneyMan’s presents, I have really enjoyed it and I can’t wait until Christmas eve to put all of his pressies out then, of course, to see his face on Christmas morning and to watch him have fun all day.

On one hand I am looking forward to Thailand and the potential that it could create for us – a sibling for JBB, a complete family, no more IVF cycles, no more having to save money for cycles, no more invasive treatments, I can get treatment for my cramps. Even the short term benefits are very nice, as much sleep as possible, lots of rest and relaxation, plenty of time to get massages and read etc.

On the other hand there is the heart wrenching, gut churning thought of being away from my darling boys (JourneyMan, JBB and Journey Dog who has no wool anymore) for 8 longs days is a very scary reality to face. I am going to miss them like crazy and whilst the positives benefits far outweigh the drawbacks it feels like the drawbacks are way, way worse. Oh well, it is only 8 days, I will get through it!!

Seven days to go people!!

Yes, the ticker is technically correct, it is really 8 days to go but because my flight is at 12:15am on 27 December, I really consider it Boxing Day night and thus it is only 7 more sleeps – especially because I will need to be at the airport at 9:15pm – or maybe a touch later as JourneyMan and I will be having a visit with my bestie on the way to the airport so that should be fun!! Can you believe it, this time next week, Christmas will be over and I will be enjoying my last day having fun and playing with my delightful boys. We have decided that will go to a wildlife reserve not far from our house on Boxing Day – JBB will be able to feed some of the native cockatoo’s there (though no doubt he will say ‘puppy!!’ as he calls all animals, even himself sometimes in the mirror’) and we can have lunch at the café. Later we are going to have a mock New Years Eve celebration as I will be away on New Years Eve and having the transfer on New Years Day. I am planning on us having a little dance party and a countdown to big kisses and hugs!!

The weekends seem to scream by in an instant and before I even have a chance to contemplate a post, it is all over and I am back at work again. That is where I am now and I am seriously counting down the days until I finish work, at this point it is really 4 days because today is half over and I am only working a half day on Friday – whoo hooo – it will be a great feeling to finish work!! JBB is in a complete and utter mess, routine-wise because he hasn’t really gotten back on track since he was sick and because I have been working full time – booooo. Last night he woke at 3:30am and was awake until 5am and so I have been awake since 3:30am, I am a bit headachy from the tiredness. It will be good to fully catch up on some sleep in Thailand though I am going to miss my boys terribly.

The good news is, I am very much in the Christmas spirit now and am sooooo looking forward to Christmas day with our darling boy and the whole family! I am a person that hates shopping but I have discovered a real love of shopping for JBB and JourneyMan this year, both of whom are going to be pretty spoilt!! I can’t wait to see their faces on Christmas morning!! This year, we are going over to my Mum and Dad’s place for a casual catch up on Christmas Eve and watch Carol’s by Candlelight and wrap our final presents. On Christmas morning, we will no doubt be up early with JBB and can’t wait to have pressie corner with him. Then we are back to my Mum and Dad’s to have present with them and my younger sister and her husband. Then we are over at my Aunty’s for lunch and then we go to JourneyMan’s parents to spend the afternoon and night with his family. It will be a full on day!!

Merry Christmas & over and out for 2011!

I hope that you all have had a fabulous Christmas and I hope all of your dreams come true in 2011.

Could there be a better Christmas than discovering that you are pregnant? Yes, you can celebrate with your 4 month old son and wonderful husband. We had an amazing day yesterday. JBB woke us up at 6am and we gave him his presents (jumper and a little couch) - JourneyDog also scored a new stuffed toy and a chew toy to play with. I then gave JourneyMan his pressies and he gave me some. As a joke during the week I had said to JourneyMan:

'Have you gotten my pressies yet?'

He said:

'Yes, I have'

I asked jokingly:

'Will they make me weep for joy?'

He said:

'As a matter of fact, they will'

In my mind, I thought 'Yeah right'

It turns out that JourneyMan bought me a book from JBB and JourneyDog called 'Your my Mother' - it was the most beautiful present (apart from JBB of course) that JourneyMan has ever given me - I did indeed weep for joy. I can't tell you how special that moment was.

We then went over to my Mum and Dad's place to have pressie corner and my Mum gave me a book called 'When I was Born' which is absolutely beautiful and once again I was weeping tears of joy. I showed the book to JourneyMan and he also wept at the beauty of the book. JourneyMan is not a hugely emotional fellow - and to see him so moved by this book was a beautiful experience - it was wonderful to see how much he feels for our darling JBB.

We are off to the beach to camp for our holidays tomorrow. JourneyMan has to work so my sister is coming up in the car with JBB and I and JourneyMan will join us on New Year's eve. I am looking forward to the holiday. It is most likely going to be the last one that my Dad can make and the whole family is going to be there which should be nice.

It is with a contented sigh that I wave goodbye to 2010, the best year of my life. I hope that 2011 will be as amazing a year as this one has and I hope that it will be the year in which all of your dreams come true!

All the best!!