Confession time – I have had a very bad week on the plan, pretty much in every category. It seems that if anything out of the ordinary strikes, my whole plan falls apart so I am going to have to put some fail safes in place to pick myself up and get back on track straight away rather than let things run on and on like they have in the past week. I have promised myself that I will update each week regardless of the story (good news or bad news) so that is what I am doing *gulp* (hope this process is not too boring for you all to read!
Physical:
Weight Loss:
My weight is only down 300grams this week but I do actually consider this a big win because of Easter and the multitude of opportunities to indulge this week! Plus, it was a big loss last week so really anything this week was going to be a win.
Exercise:
3 X 30min Walk / Run sessions – I only had one run session for the week so I am looking to getting back to the 3 sessions this week, especially as it is only weeks until the 5km run – eeeek!
3 X Weights program at the gym – a shocking week for the gym, I was out all Wednesday for my besties birthday, it wasn’t open on Friday and we had brunch with my family on Sunday so all of my sessions were gone – I need a contingency for this.
Yoga daily – shocking week for the yoga – I didn’t do any – aaaaarrrrggggghhh!!
Walking – I only did one walk for the week as well so that was pretty pitiful, definitely have to pull up my socks this week as well.
No intervals on the spin bike – what!!?!? It is in the loungeroom, the only excuse here was laziness, definitely need to be better this week.
Detoxification:
Skin brushing daily – still a problem as I haven’t found where JBB has hidden it – doh!!
Clay bath – didn’t have one – need to book this in and stick to it – okay, I am going to make a big call and do it Wednesday night.
Castor oil pack – no pack’s this week, definitely need to do one tonight (Tuesday) and Thursday.
Clay foot bath – nope, didn’t do this either, will need to do this on Saturday or Sunday this week.
Naturopath liver detox powder – did well again with this during the week and over Easter had it once a day which is an improvement on last week but still needs some work.
Mind / Body Connection:
Imaging, Subliminals, hypnosis – only did this around 2 nights and I really have to do the imaging sitting up because I keep falling asleep if I am lying down
Mind Map – still haven’t done this one – am going to post pone it until after the tax is done, once the tax is done, this will be my project.
Make myself ready for another baby – I am feeling very ready for another baby – poor JBB has been put into the baby position many times this week, much to his annoyance – he’s no baby, he wants to be running around the house, not being rocked by his crazy mother!
Meditation – have not started this one yet – need to find some time to slot it into my day.
Relaxation time – I had a fab day out with my bestie for her 40th birthday last week, it was very nice to have a fun day out like we used to, very relaxing!!
Financial:
Bills paid on time – the bills are all caught up on and the new system seems to be working pretty well.
Taxes complete and up to date – my goal is to get these finished by Friday, then I can relax over the weekend, let’s hope that this will happen!!
Stay within budget – this still needs some work, JourneyMan and I need to find some time to sit down and discuss.
House:
Room ready for baby – we did actually go out this weekend to get a mattress for JBB’s bed but we ended up buying him a racing car bed – I know that this wasn’t in the budget but it was a joy to see him jump in it saying ‘car, car!!’ – I can’t wait for it to be delivered on Friday!
Bedded down routines for cleaning – shocking week for cleaning, the house is a bomb site – I have decided to start the Fly Lady 31 days of baby steps from today – wish me luck!
Bedded down routines for the cooking – not a great week for eating but I have done some good cooking for the week and we have lots of healthy food at our fingertips this week, yay!
Sleep:
Another pretty poor week of sleeping though I did get two sleep-in’s over the Easter weekend. JBB has still been waking up at 4am. This morning I checked on him and let him cry for awhile and he went back to sleep until 6am, a big win – hoping to consolidate some good habits into this little cheeky over the next week.
Expectations:
Moaning Myrna was a little louder this week – especially beating me up on my looks, I am trying to let her negative nelly speak pass me by but still some things hang on. I am hoping for a more positive week this week.
Overview:
Not the best of weeks this week but I am proud of the fact that I have updated despite everything not being perfect. I still lost weight which is fabulous and I am feeling very positive about a new baby which is all good. Here’s hoping for some good improvements this week too!!
Showing posts with label JBBS. Show all posts
Showing posts with label JBBS. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
19.5 Weeks to Go – Plan Update No 2
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
The Plan
So, you may have noticed that I have added a couple of tickers to the blog.
Firstly, another countdown to when I leave to go to Thailand for the next cycle. I have been booked in for awhile but I have wanted to keep it under wraps for a bit because of a ‘time limit’ issue that I have been working through. In short, I have been feeling very pressured because I have constantly had time limits ie. I not only need to lose weight, I need to lose it in a certain time, we need to get ourselves back together financially but also within a certain time. Time limits had previously been a huge motivating factor for me but it seem that the rebellious side of me had been rebelling against them for a bit. Now I am a bit more on track. These few sentences do not convey the pressure that I feel that I am constantly working to a time frame - I have been trying to write a post on it for about a month and I think I am going to have to give up trying to express this and just say 'it's a lot of pressure'.
It has been a very fine balance working out when to next go to Thailand for a cycle. Once again, I will be going without my darlings JourneyMan and JBB but I am hoping that my bestie will be able to make the trip with me – that will be a lot nicer than going on my own! The balance comes where I want to give myself enough time to make a difference to my weight, our financial status, state of mind as well as our house but not too far in advance that I feel that it will never be over. I am not sure if I have said this on the blog before but we have decided our end time. We have decided that if the next frozen cycle does not work, we will have one more fresh cycle (with a new donor) and then try with any embryo’s frozen. I figure that we would be finished by the end of 2013 – which seems pretty far off but at least there is an end date now.
Secondly, I am in need of losing a great deal of weight, so that is the other ticker. I am hoping that this will motivate me towards my goal of weight loss. I had been kidding myself on the last two cycles that my weight didn’t matter and honestly, maybe it doesn’t but I am not willing to go into another cycle with doubt. This is one part that I can control so I am going to help myself out here. I need it for the health reasons anyway. I have surprised myself again by letting my weight get away from me - seriously, am I learning impaired?
Anyway - the weight loss is only one goal that I am going for in the 150 days until I embark on another cycle in Thailand. Here are my overall goals for the next 5 months:
Physical:
My physical self needs some work. I am still very exhausted though a trip to the naturopath has me taking magnesium, vitamin d and iron which I noticed has helped out a little (it doesn't help with tiredness derived from a little cheeky man getting up at 3am a few days in a row but nevertheless, there has been a little increase in energy). I am focusing on detoxification, losing weight, strengthen my body through exercise, nourishing it with high quality foods and making our lives as chemical free as possible. At the end of the day, when we went to Thailand for the cycle that we got JBB, I felt good about myself - I wasn't in my healthy weight range but I felt healthy and strong and at the end of the day, all of the below goals are to help me to feel healthy and strong for the next cycle (and also for myself, I would definitely like to feel healthy and strong again).
On top of the measures listed below - I also visit an acupuncturist once a week and have the chinese herbs twice a day. I also see a naturopath to ensure that my vitamin and mineral intake is good and I see an osteopath to make sure that my back is behaving (which it hasn't been lately). This makes for a lot of appointments but I am hoping that the osteopath and naturopath will go to a once a month type situation shortly as it will be more maintenance.
Chemical Free:
In the pursuit of being chemical free - I have also got organic cotton pj's and sheets. We have bought an air purifier and have some indoor plants so that we are breathing nice air. I am also working on having a daily homegrown wheatgrass juice and I say working on it because I have all of the stuff but haven't worked out how to do it yet!! I am constantly seeking out ways to eliminate toxins from our lives. I am now looking at only using our stainless steel cookware.
Lose weight / nourishment:
Many of you know that I have a lap band which I have had pretty loose since the pregnancy because I hadn't reconciled myself to have to lose weight. I have finally done that now and I will be utilising the band as a tool to reduce my calorie intake. As usual, it is hugely important to eat exceedingly well to ensure that I am getting enough vitamins and minerals whilst I am restricting my calories - it is not only about weight loss, I am wanting to be as healthy as I can possibly be as well. Here are a few of my goals:
Exercise:
I really like how I feel when I am fit and strong and I haven't really been that since we went to Thailand to get JBB. I ran a 10km a couple of months before we made the first trip to Thailand to get JBB so I am aiming to be fit enough to do another 10km before I go in August. My sister in law is going to do the 5km and 10km races that we have picked out - we have run together before and we have a really fun time doing it so that will make it a bit easier!!
Detoxification:
As well as stopping chemicals from going in, I want to get rid of as many from my body as possible and to that end, I have a range of activities that I want to do each week to help the detoxification along - here are those that I want to do:
Mind / Body Connection:
I really believe that I need to be prepared in the mind and as you may have noticed from my recent posts, I have not been travelling that well mentally. To that end, I am seeing a psychologist every fortnight to work through some issues - it is pretty helpful and certainly the ACT techniques that she has taught me has been really helpful in dealing with the overwhelming emotions that I have running around at the moment. I also have some good books and cd's on creating 'fertile' images in my mind and I have some hypnosis and subliminal recordings that I like very much so I will continue to pursue them.
The past couple of years have been tough on the finances. I had 6 months off with JBB - we wanted to have more time but JourneyMan lost his job and our savings were used up fast. On top of that, we had the fresh cycle with all of us trekking over to Thailand and then another one at Christmas. All of this has left our finances in a pretty shabby state. We have some debt that needs to be sorted out, some tax obligations for the business that I need to get done (it is hard not to keep delaying when I am in 'cycle' mode). I don't know how much this affects my fertility but certainly I feel better and a lot less stressed if everything is sorted out and is all under control. I definitely need some focus in this area. I am also considering working an extra day in order to get out of debt and save more but this will be a wrench as it will be another day away from JBB. Here are some of my goals:
House:
One of the things that I identified that we did before we went to Thailand to get JBB was to get the house ready for a baby. Prior to that, the spare bedroom was basically a dumping ground and just had crap everywhere - no way a baby could go in there. Before Thailand, we made the controversial decision of making it into a nursery and putting baby items in there (that my sister had given us) before we even had a baby to go in there but we really got ready for success. So, one of the things that I realised over the past couple of months is that I didn't really know if we had enough room for a baby in our house (really a 2 bedroom unit) and I thought that I should at least know whether we could fit another baby in the house before we decided to have one!! Anyway, I did a big clean out of JBB's room and it has now become a room that JBB and the new baby can share. We definitely have enough room - we just need to get a bed in there with a new mattress - which I think we will do over Easter. I also feel that we need to get into good cleaning and cooking routines - we have been a bit haphazard with this, I just don't feel it is totally under control.
Sleep:
As for any parent of a toddler, sleep is at a premium. I definitely am not getting enough sleep at the moment - JBB has been waking up in the middle of the night again (on Saturday night because he had vomited all over his bed poor thing) and the last couple of nights as well. JourneyMan is great because he is very good about getting up and getting him but I find that I always have trouble going back to sleep. Today, I have been up since 3am, though I did sneak in a 15min powernap in the carpark before I got to work. I am not really sure what to do about this because I also find that if I have a nap during the day, I find it hard to get to sleep at night. I am going to have to rethink how I do things to see if I can get some more 'catch up' sleep if I need it - am not really sure how that will happen at this point but I definitely know that I don't want to go to Thailand completely exhausted like I have the last 2 times.
Expectations:
I know that these expectations are very high. There is a lot to do with not much time to do it in (amongst taking care of JBB, cooking, cleaning & working). I am going to try my best and I am also going to not listen to 'Moaning Myrna - the Mean Hearted Beartch' who talks in my head and criticises everything that I do (silly cow). I just want to give us the best chance of having another baby (or babies - would love twins - speaking of being time poor!!). I want to feel like I have done everything possible for this cycle and whilst I may not live up to every minute little detail of this plan, I will feel good if I can get most of the way there to doing it.
Thanks for reading this far if you got there - I know that this was as really long post but I needed to get all of this out.
Firstly, another countdown to when I leave to go to Thailand for the next cycle. I have been booked in for awhile but I have wanted to keep it under wraps for a bit because of a ‘time limit’ issue that I have been working through. In short, I have been feeling very pressured because I have constantly had time limits ie. I not only need to lose weight, I need to lose it in a certain time, we need to get ourselves back together financially but also within a certain time. Time limits had previously been a huge motivating factor for me but it seem that the rebellious side of me had been rebelling against them for a bit. Now I am a bit more on track. These few sentences do not convey the pressure that I feel that I am constantly working to a time frame - I have been trying to write a post on it for about a month and I think I am going to have to give up trying to express this and just say 'it's a lot of pressure'.
It has been a very fine balance working out when to next go to Thailand for a cycle. Once again, I will be going without my darlings JourneyMan and JBB but I am hoping that my bestie will be able to make the trip with me – that will be a lot nicer than going on my own! The balance comes where I want to give myself enough time to make a difference to my weight, our financial status, state of mind as well as our house but not too far in advance that I feel that it will never be over. I am not sure if I have said this on the blog before but we have decided our end time. We have decided that if the next frozen cycle does not work, we will have one more fresh cycle (with a new donor) and then try with any embryo’s frozen. I figure that we would be finished by the end of 2013 – which seems pretty far off but at least there is an end date now.
Secondly, I am in need of losing a great deal of weight, so that is the other ticker. I am hoping that this will motivate me towards my goal of weight loss. I had been kidding myself on the last two cycles that my weight didn’t matter and honestly, maybe it doesn’t but I am not willing to go into another cycle with doubt. This is one part that I can control so I am going to help myself out here. I need it for the health reasons anyway. I have surprised myself again by letting my weight get away from me - seriously, am I learning impaired?
Anyway - the weight loss is only one goal that I am going for in the 150 days until I embark on another cycle in Thailand. Here are my overall goals for the next 5 months:
Physical:
My physical self needs some work. I am still very exhausted though a trip to the naturopath has me taking magnesium, vitamin d and iron which I noticed has helped out a little (it doesn't help with tiredness derived from a little cheeky man getting up at 3am a few days in a row but nevertheless, there has been a little increase in energy). I am focusing on detoxification, losing weight, strengthen my body through exercise, nourishing it with high quality foods and making our lives as chemical free as possible. At the end of the day, when we went to Thailand for the cycle that we got JBB, I felt good about myself - I wasn't in my healthy weight range but I felt healthy and strong and at the end of the day, all of the below goals are to help me to feel healthy and strong for the next cycle (and also for myself, I would definitely like to feel healthy and strong again).
On top of the measures listed below - I also visit an acupuncturist once a week and have the chinese herbs twice a day. I also see a naturopath to ensure that my vitamin and mineral intake is good and I see an osteopath to make sure that my back is behaving (which it hasn't been lately). This makes for a lot of appointments but I am hoping that the osteopath and naturopath will go to a once a month type situation shortly as it will be more maintenance.
Chemical Free:
- No caffeine as of 16th April (I'm allowing myself 1 coffee a day until 130 days before I go)
- No pain killers / anti inflammatories / medications as of 16th April (I am having trouble with my back and I am hoping it will be alot better by this time)
- Remove chemical cleaners from the house & use natural ones - Kitchen cleaners removed and bathroom cleared of items by the end of Easter
- Use no-chemical make up and personal products - have started this one already
- Eat organic or hormone free, free range foods - have started this already
In the pursuit of being chemical free - I have also got organic cotton pj's and sheets. We have bought an air purifier and have some indoor plants so that we are breathing nice air. I am also working on having a daily homegrown wheatgrass juice and I say working on it because I have all of the stuff but haven't worked out how to do it yet!! I am constantly seeking out ways to eliminate toxins from our lives. I am now looking at only using our stainless steel cookware.
Lose weight / nourishment:
Many of you know that I have a lap band which I have had pretty loose since the pregnancy because I hadn't reconciled myself to have to lose weight. I have finally done that now and I will be utilising the band as a tool to reduce my calorie intake. As usual, it is hugely important to eat exceedingly well to ensure that I am getting enough vitamins and minerals whilst I am restricting my calories - it is not only about weight loss, I am wanting to be as healthy as I can possibly be as well. Here are a few of my goals:
- Eat high quality, nourishing foods
- Take daily vitamins and minerals as prescribed by naturopath
- Track calorie intake through Body Media FIT program
- Take chinese herbs twice daily
Exercise:
I really like how I feel when I am fit and strong and I haven't really been that since we went to Thailand to get JBB. I ran a 10km a couple of months before we made the first trip to Thailand to get JBB so I am aiming to be fit enough to do another 10km before I go in August. My sister in law is going to do the 5km and 10km races that we have picked out - we have run together before and we have a really fun time doing it so that will make it a bit easier!!
- Run 5km - I am aiming for a 5km fun run on 29 April (I have quite a bit of work to do for this one!!)
- Run 10km - I am aiming for a 10km fun run on 15 July
- Yoga daily - I have a 4 week rotating program of 4 moves a day (plus breathing exercises and a relaxation at the end)
- Weights program at the gym 3 times per week - I have my program, I just need to do it to get my strength up
- Walk at lunch times and as much as possible at any other time - it is nice walking with my bestie at work, we get to chat but also have a nice time walking as well!!
Detoxification:
As well as stopping chemicals from going in, I want to get rid of as many from my body as possible and to that end, I have a range of activities that I want to do each week to help the detoxification along - here are those that I want to do:
- Skin brushing daily
- Clay bath once a week
- Castor oil pack twice a week
- Clay foot bath once a week
- Naturopath liver detox powder twice daily
Mind / Body Connection:
I really believe that I need to be prepared in the mind and as you may have noticed from my recent posts, I have not been travelling that well mentally. To that end, I am seeing a psychologist every fortnight to work through some issues - it is pretty helpful and certainly the ACT techniques that she has taught me has been really helpful in dealing with the overwhelming emotions that I have running around at the moment. I also have some good books and cd's on creating 'fertile' images in my mind and I have some hypnosis and subliminal recordings that I like very much so I will continue to pursue them.
- See psychologist - fortnightly
- Use ACT techniques to defuse emotions - whenever necessary
- Schedule time in each day / week to relax - I am having a little trouble with this though I do have a bath most days which is generally relaxing (except for when JBB barges in and starts throwing things in the bath - that's not so that relaxing - though it is nice when he comes in to give me a kiss)
- Imaging - I have done a small amount of this but need to get more consistent
- Mind Map - I had one for a variety of things when we went to get JBB, need to get a new one done!
- Subliminals - I just need to transfer these to my new phone (I am a destroyer of iPhones - I have submerged 2 in liquid and last week dropped one onto concrete and shattered the screen - der!!)
- Hypnosis - I have some really nice ones that I use and so I will continue with those (though of course, have to transfer them to the new phone)
- Make myself ready for another baby - this is a big one. I have identified in the two negative cycles last year that I was more focussed on 'getting the whole ivf thing behind us' rather than the chance to have another baby, I hadn't even imagined what it would be like to have another one - I have now - I am really focussed on thinking about the actual reason that I am doing this. JourneyMan recently found a bag of elephant keyrings that we got on one of our trips to Thailand (maybe even the honeymoon!!) that we were supposed to give out to people but hadn't. I have put it on my keyring now and every time I look at it, I think of having another baby - it is very motivating! I have also passed them out to the important people in our lives and have asked them to send positive thoughts for the cycle when they look at it. I like the idea of a river of positive thoughts flowing through till I go to Thailand - I am hoping that the river becomes a flood by then!
- Meditation - I have always rebelled against meditation, I find it very hard to quiet my mind but I am thinking that even if I just start small (like a couple of minutes or so) that I might be able to build up to a bit longer over time.
The past couple of years have been tough on the finances. I had 6 months off with JBB - we wanted to have more time but JourneyMan lost his job and our savings were used up fast. On top of that, we had the fresh cycle with all of us trekking over to Thailand and then another one at Christmas. All of this has left our finances in a pretty shabby state. We have some debt that needs to be sorted out, some tax obligations for the business that I need to get done (it is hard not to keep delaying when I am in 'cycle' mode). I don't know how much this affects my fertility but certainly I feel better and a lot less stressed if everything is sorted out and is all under control. I definitely need some focus in this area. I am also considering working an extra day in order to get out of debt and save more but this will be a wrench as it will be another day away from JBB. Here are some of my goals:
- Bills paid on time each month - I have lost the run of myself with this one, I used to be very good about getting our budget done and bills paid on time so I need to get some focus back here
- Taxes complete and up to date - I have an appointment with the accountant next Wednesday - it is going to be a mad scramble to get things everything ready but I have to do it to get it out to the way
- Debt reducing weekly - I have set up a calendar appointment to get these paid off weekly - we should be able to make a dent in this pretty quickly
- Stay within budget - We have been a bit loose with our budget - we really need to stay within so we can get ourselves back in order
- Save money so that I can have 12 months off work with the new baby
House:
One of the things that I identified that we did before we went to Thailand to get JBB was to get the house ready for a baby. Prior to that, the spare bedroom was basically a dumping ground and just had crap everywhere - no way a baby could go in there. Before Thailand, we made the controversial decision of making it into a nursery and putting baby items in there (that my sister had given us) before we even had a baby to go in there but we really got ready for success. So, one of the things that I realised over the past couple of months is that I didn't really know if we had enough room for a baby in our house (really a 2 bedroom unit) and I thought that I should at least know whether we could fit another baby in the house before we decided to have one!! Anyway, I did a big clean out of JBB's room and it has now become a room that JBB and the new baby can share. We definitely have enough room - we just need to get a bed in there with a new mattress - which I think we will do over Easter. I also feel that we need to get into good cleaning and cooking routines - we have been a bit haphazard with this, I just don't feel it is totally under control.
- Room ready for new baby (almost there, just need the new bed and mattress)
- Bedded down routines for the cleaning (if I do another day of work, we may investigate a cleaner)
- Bedded down routines for the cooking (I'm pretty good with this but always need to have back up food in the freezer of casseroles and things)
Sleep:
As for any parent of a toddler, sleep is at a premium. I definitely am not getting enough sleep at the moment - JBB has been waking up in the middle of the night again (on Saturday night because he had vomited all over his bed poor thing) and the last couple of nights as well. JourneyMan is great because he is very good about getting up and getting him but I find that I always have trouble going back to sleep. Today, I have been up since 3am, though I did sneak in a 15min powernap in the carpark before I got to work. I am not really sure what to do about this because I also find that if I have a nap during the day, I find it hard to get to sleep at night. I am going to have to rethink how I do things to see if I can get some more 'catch up' sleep if I need it - am not really sure how that will happen at this point but I definitely know that I don't want to go to Thailand completely exhausted like I have the last 2 times.
Expectations:
I know that these expectations are very high. There is a lot to do with not much time to do it in (amongst taking care of JBB, cooking, cleaning & working). I am going to try my best and I am also going to not listen to 'Moaning Myrna - the Mean Hearted Beartch' who talks in my head and criticises everything that I do (silly cow). I just want to give us the best chance of having another baby (or babies - would love twins - speaking of being time poor!!). I want to feel like I have done everything possible for this cycle and whilst I may not live up to every minute little detail of this plan, I will feel good if I can get most of the way there to doing it.
Thanks for reading this far if you got there - I know that this was as really long post but I needed to get all of this out.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Further delays...
There is a lot going on here, mainly with my Dad and I am working on a post about that but for the moment, I don't have the heart for it.
So, what is happening here? Quite a lot really but most of it is in my mind. I have been doing all sorts of thinking and soul searching in the wake of these two latest failures and the main realization being that I really don't think that was ready for another baby at those times, my body is a mess, our finances are a mess and the reasons that I wanted the cycled worked, were, quite frankly fu€ked (excuse my language). Basically, I just wanted to get it all 'over with'. This is a far cry from creating space in our lives to welcome a new life to love.
We hadn't created space in our lives, our hearts or even our house. I'm not blaming our failure on this but it's been an eye opener to realize the attitudes that I took into the cycles. This has made me understand that I need more time, so we are moving the cycle to the last week in August, making this decision has immediately taken the pressure off, which is great.
I have finally realized that the end does not justify the means. I need to take care of myself and be as fit, healthy and ready as possible for my own sake as well as that of JBB and the future JBBS. I hope you don't mind but I'm going to use the blog to explore my inner landscape over the next few months.
Thanks for hanging in, those that are still reading!
So, what is happening here? Quite a lot really but most of it is in my mind. I have been doing all sorts of thinking and soul searching in the wake of these two latest failures and the main realization being that I really don't think that was ready for another baby at those times, my body is a mess, our finances are a mess and the reasons that I wanted the cycled worked, were, quite frankly fu€ked (excuse my language). Basically, I just wanted to get it all 'over with'. This is a far cry from creating space in our lives to welcome a new life to love.
We hadn't created space in our lives, our hearts or even our house. I'm not blaming our failure on this but it's been an eye opener to realize the attitudes that I took into the cycles. This has made me understand that I need more time, so we are moving the cycle to the last week in August, making this decision has immediately taken the pressure off, which is great.
I have finally realized that the end does not justify the means. I need to take care of myself and be as fit, healthy and ready as possible for my own sake as well as that of JBB and the future JBBS. I hope you don't mind but I'm going to use the blog to explore my inner landscape over the next few months.
Thanks for hanging in, those that are still reading!
Thursday, October 6, 2011
36 Eggs, what the!?!?
You read that right, yes, 36 eggs!! I was in total shock and this is double what the donor had last time. The doctor has said that this should result in 6 excellent quality blastocysts. I really hope that there will be some fabulous quality embryo's and that one will hang on for dear life.
It has been a very good day, one that I will always remember. It started out a bit shaky because we got on the wrong train as well as getting lost in the building that the clinic is in. Finally we got there and surprisingly enough, didn't get the greeting that we were expecting. So far, everywhere that we go, JBB has been treated like a celebrity - everyone wants to greet him, hold him, play with him and let me tell you, he is not minding the attention!! However, when we go to the clinic, we didn't see anyone that we knew and they didn't seem to know that we had an appointment. We also thought that there would be some excitement to see JBB but it was all a bit puzzling.
Finally, after a bit (and I must confess here, it was about two minutes) our patient coordinator came rushing to us with big hugs and exclamations about JBB. Phew, we were in the right place!! Immediately, JourneyMan was rushed off to produce his sample and I know we are juvenile but we had a little snicker when he got back. Throughout the morning, we had blood tests, I had the lovely vaginal scan (ah, my old friend, I have not missed your cold embrace) and then had a chat to the doctor. My lining measured 10mm which I believe is pretty good so I think it is all looking okay right now. The doctor had just come back from a conference in Melbourne (our home town) and he also met our fertility specialist whilst there - it truly is a small world!!
The best part of the day then happened. The donor came toward me and I recognized her face immediately because it is the face of my beautiful JBB whose face I know every millimeter of intimately. It was a truly moving moment, she walked into my arms for an embrace and the love and thanks that I feel for this gorgeous woman is overwhelming. That embrace was a truly special moment and I couldn't ask for a more special woman to be the donor of our JBB (and hopefully JBBS). She then saw JBB and pointed at his face and then at her own. I had tears in my eyes and still do now. We all sat down for a chat and she held JBB and played with him. We had many photos and she also wanted photos of all of us but of course, especially, JBB. She speaks English pretty well but there were some difficulties, our patient coordinator needed to translate some things. JourneyMan wanted to thank her especially for JBB but also for helping to see if he could have a full blood sibling.
There were some base emotions there for me as well and whilst love and thankfulness topped the list, there was also a slight feeling of wariness, no actually, more like watchelfullness. I wanted to see JBB's reaction, would there be an instant rapport because of biology and at one point there I had a momentary intake of breathe when JBB reached out to touch the donor's face. After a while, JBB got sick of playing and put his arms our to come back to me and I exhaled, of course I am his mum, no question.
I was able to give the present from my mum to her and when I was explaining to the donor about what JBB means to my family, I really started crying and we hugged. I didn't want the moment to end, it was beautiful.
A very, very good day.
It has been a very good day, one that I will always remember. It started out a bit shaky because we got on the wrong train as well as getting lost in the building that the clinic is in. Finally we got there and surprisingly enough, didn't get the greeting that we were expecting. So far, everywhere that we go, JBB has been treated like a celebrity - everyone wants to greet him, hold him, play with him and let me tell you, he is not minding the attention!! However, when we go to the clinic, we didn't see anyone that we knew and they didn't seem to know that we had an appointment. We also thought that there would be some excitement to see JBB but it was all a bit puzzling.
Finally, after a bit (and I must confess here, it was about two minutes) our patient coordinator came rushing to us with big hugs and exclamations about JBB. Phew, we were in the right place!! Immediately, JourneyMan was rushed off to produce his sample and I know we are juvenile but we had a little snicker when he got back. Throughout the morning, we had blood tests, I had the lovely vaginal scan (ah, my old friend, I have not missed your cold embrace) and then had a chat to the doctor. My lining measured 10mm which I believe is pretty good so I think it is all looking okay right now. The doctor had just come back from a conference in Melbourne (our home town) and he also met our fertility specialist whilst there - it truly is a small world!!
The best part of the day then happened. The donor came toward me and I recognized her face immediately because it is the face of my beautiful JBB whose face I know every millimeter of intimately. It was a truly moving moment, she walked into my arms for an embrace and the love and thanks that I feel for this gorgeous woman is overwhelming. That embrace was a truly special moment and I couldn't ask for a more special woman to be the donor of our JBB (and hopefully JBBS). She then saw JBB and pointed at his face and then at her own. I had tears in my eyes and still do now. We all sat down for a chat and she held JBB and played with him. We had many photos and she also wanted photos of all of us but of course, especially, JBB. She speaks English pretty well but there were some difficulties, our patient coordinator needed to translate some things. JourneyMan wanted to thank her especially for JBB but also for helping to see if he could have a full blood sibling.
There were some base emotions there for me as well and whilst love and thankfulness topped the list, there was also a slight feeling of wariness, no actually, more like watchelfullness. I wanted to see JBB's reaction, would there be an instant rapport because of biology and at one point there I had a momentary intake of breathe when JBB reached out to touch the donor's face. After a while, JBB got sick of playing and put his arms our to come back to me and I exhaled, of course I am his mum, no question.
I was able to give the present from my mum to her and when I was explaining to the donor about what JBB means to my family, I really started crying and we hugged. I didn't want the moment to end, it was beautiful.
A very, very good day.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Back for round 2 (is anyone there?)
It’s been a long time since I have posted and too many things to catch up on in one post so I am going to focus on what is coming up.
Firstly, JBB and I are having a combined 1st and 40th birthday party this weekend at our local church hall from 3-8pm. There are around 50 adults and 23 children there, so it is going to be big and loads of fun. I can’t hardly believe that JBB is almost one year old, this year has gone so fast it’s unbelievable!!
Let’s talk about little JBB for awhile!! Well, he is just gorgeous and he is the absolute joy of my life. The poor thing was sick over the weekend (my birthday) and it has taken him awhile to recover, I am hoping he is going to be fit and well for the party.
He is jabbering away all of the time now, he can say ‘Mum’, ‘Dad’, ‘Nan’, Baby’, Bubba - but his favourite word at the moment is ‘Puppy’ – he loves saying Puppy and he loves JourneyDog who is Woolly, those two crack me up when they play together. He has not taken a step yet but he is on the absolute cusp – he can stand on his own and clap, he thinks he is it and a bit (and of course, he is!!) – he is in to everything around the house and when he crawls, he is sooooo fast!!
My birthday on the weekend was a bust because poor little JBB was sick and the party on Saturday is mainly for him – I hope that he is not too overwhelmed. My main goal on Saturday morning is to ensure that he gets heaps of sleep so he is raring to go at the party. A friend from work is a children’s party entertainer so she is doing face painting and balloon animals for the 23 kids that are coming along. I am making a cupcake cake in the shape of a ‘1’ for JBB – since the party is being catered, I really wanted to make something just for him. I did a test batch of the cupcakes last night and they tasted pretty good so it should be fun.
After that, I am ready to hunker down and be completely focussed on Thailand. As of today, there is only 55 days to go. I have been going to acupuncture, taking the chinese herbs, I listen to my subliminals each night, drinking fertility tea each day, I haven’t started the castor oil packs as yet, am going to do that tonight – it is all pretty much go but it has not been easy. With my Dad being sick, my Mum is run off her feet and can’t baby sit so I am having trouble with appointments with the little JBB in tow. I don’t feel as relaxed as last time, in fact, I am absolutely exhausted but I am hoping the 6 days in Thailand before the transfer will help to refresh me.
I feel quite alone in this cycle. Last time I felt like I had a lot of people really pulling for me but this time I feel it is our little family affair – everyone else has much stuff of their own on and I think a lot of people feel that since we already have JBB, it is not as big a deal. It feels like a big deal to me, in fact, in some ways it feels harder this time (in some ways it is easier too because we have had success before). I am extremely fearful of being dragged back into that black hole of cycle bfn. I am already preparing the barricades around myself.
I really hope that we will be successful. I really hope JBB will have a sibling. I really hope that after this, our cycle days will be over. I hope.
Firstly, JBB and I are having a combined 1st and 40th birthday party this weekend at our local church hall from 3-8pm. There are around 50 adults and 23 children there, so it is going to be big and loads of fun. I can’t hardly believe that JBB is almost one year old, this year has gone so fast it’s unbelievable!!
Let’s talk about little JBB for awhile!! Well, he is just gorgeous and he is the absolute joy of my life. The poor thing was sick over the weekend (my birthday) and it has taken him awhile to recover, I am hoping he is going to be fit and well for the party.
He is jabbering away all of the time now, he can say ‘Mum’, ‘Dad’, ‘Nan’, Baby’, Bubba - but his favourite word at the moment is ‘Puppy’ – he loves saying Puppy and he loves JourneyDog who is Woolly, those two crack me up when they play together. He has not taken a step yet but he is on the absolute cusp – he can stand on his own and clap, he thinks he is it and a bit (and of course, he is!!) – he is in to everything around the house and when he crawls, he is sooooo fast!!
My birthday on the weekend was a bust because poor little JBB was sick and the party on Saturday is mainly for him – I hope that he is not too overwhelmed. My main goal on Saturday morning is to ensure that he gets heaps of sleep so he is raring to go at the party. A friend from work is a children’s party entertainer so she is doing face painting and balloon animals for the 23 kids that are coming along. I am making a cupcake cake in the shape of a ‘1’ for JBB – since the party is being catered, I really wanted to make something just for him. I did a test batch of the cupcakes last night and they tasted pretty good so it should be fun.
After that, I am ready to hunker down and be completely focussed on Thailand. As of today, there is only 55 days to go. I have been going to acupuncture, taking the chinese herbs, I listen to my subliminals each night, drinking fertility tea each day, I haven’t started the castor oil packs as yet, am going to do that tonight – it is all pretty much go but it has not been easy. With my Dad being sick, my Mum is run off her feet and can’t baby sit so I am having trouble with appointments with the little JBB in tow. I don’t feel as relaxed as last time, in fact, I am absolutely exhausted but I am hoping the 6 days in Thailand before the transfer will help to refresh me.
I feel quite alone in this cycle. Last time I felt like I had a lot of people really pulling for me but this time I feel it is our little family affair – everyone else has much stuff of their own on and I think a lot of people feel that since we already have JBB, it is not as big a deal. It feels like a big deal to me, in fact, in some ways it feels harder this time (in some ways it is easier too because we have had success before). I am extremely fearful of being dragged back into that black hole of cycle bfn. I am already preparing the barricades around myself.
I really hope that we will be successful. I really hope JBB will have a sibling. I really hope that after this, our cycle days will be over. I hope.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Massive amounts of information....
Thank you to all of you for your very kind comments and best wishes, I really appreciate it.
My Dad definitely has lung cancer though we don't know what the treatment is going to be. I am worried about my Mum, she is taking it very hard (understandable) and is having trouble keeping myself, my two sisters and brother up to date on what's going on. I have told her that I will do the communicating for her so that she only has to remember to speak to me and I will keep the others informed. We have had a small piece of good news and that is that it is not anywhere else in his body. This week, he goes in to see the oncologist on Wednesday morning and on Wednesday arvo he is being operated on for a hernia (he is having a bad run). We will know more then. It is in my mind every moment of every day. I was talking to him on the phone today and he didn't sound great.
I'm having trouble sleeping because of the information going around in my head. I hope that he is not in pain, it is my overriding thought. The most painful thought is that my darling, sweet boy will most likely not remember him. This is always followed by the fact that Dad is so different from the man we grew up with that JourneyMan didn't even know that guy. It has been hard over the past few years because as pieces of Dad were taken away by the hydrocephallus, it became harder and harder to grieve. Sometimes, I would catch a glimpse of my old Dad and I started to think that it was harder to see that because I would grieve all over again. Now, everyday I wish for another one, or ten, or a hundred or a thousand.
There was a lovely moment on Friday. I was out to lunch with Mum, Dad, my Auntie and of course JBB. Dad was playing with JBB and put his finger in his mouth and said 'he has a tooth' - I said 'oh really' and felt for myself and sure enough, his little tooth had finally broken through (we had a very bad bout of diarrhea and nappy rash last week). Dad was absolutely stoked that he was the one to find it - I loved it too!! My Auntie took the most beautiful photo of Dad holding JBB, I have looked at it many times over the weekend.
In other news, we have booked in for our next cycle with the same donor that we used for JBB. We leave for Thailand on the 4th of October (I have added a countdown to the blog!!). I told Dad about it the other day, he was really excited for us and kept on saying to JBB - 'you might be getting a new brother or sister soon!', it was lovely. I have had a talk to JourneyMan and Mum about the trip to Thailand and we have all agreed that we have to go ahead with it - the opportunity to use the same donor is only available to us this year and so we really feel that we must take this opportunity while it is offered to us. We are booked in with the clinic and we have also booked our flights. I feel a bit weird about booking our trip and doing all of the research about it when I have Dad to worry about but by the same token, it is a distraction. I know 100% that Dad wants us to do this anyway.
I finally had the mammogram last Wednesday but won't get the results unitl Tuesday. I am hoping it will all be okay. The ultrasound woman seemed to think that it was just a fatty cyst so I am choosing to believe that that is what it is - especially since I get a few of those.
We are also preparing this week to go away for Easter. We are going to country Victoria to watch the Stawell Gift which is Australia's most famous (and I believe richest) foot race. The carnival runs over the whole of the Easter weekend and it is a really nice time. I have started writing a list of massive amounts of stuff that we will have to take with us, I am really looking forward to getting away for a few days.
The final news is about JBB. Gosh this little tyke is growing up quick, he keeps growing out of all of his clothes and this week has been a huge week of progress. He has taken a few crawling steps, he has started standing holding on to things, he got a tooth and he is, as always, the light of our lives. I took him to see JourneyMan play footy (Australian Rules Football) at our local club today and we had a great time!!
Well it is time for me to sign off. I haven't had a chance to catch up on everyone's blogs, I hope you are all going well.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
A decision to make....
So, I heard from our Thailand clinic last week - they just wanted some details for their stats of JBB's birth weight, birth type etc. When I answered them, I asked them if the donor that we used for JBB would be available this year for another go. Journeyman and I have been talking about it and we would like JBB to have a full sibling - not that it matters but I would really like for him (and JBBS) feel that there is someone else in the world in the exact same situation as he is - is that crazy?
I got an answer back today and she is only available in September and we will have to let the clinic (and her) know whether we want to go ahead in September by then end of this month. It has sent me into a bit of a tailspin, we were still discussing what we wanted to do this year. There is a lot to think about - we need to get the money together, we need to make sure that we are ready, we need to get ourselves healthy and in shape and I need to start up all of my fertility extras. Cripes - I really didn't want to have to make this decision so soon.
The other side of it, of course, is that we could always use another donor. It is also scary to me using this donor again considering JBB was the only embryo that was a survivor and the 'what if we don't even get one?' next time. It was fine this time because we had JBB and he is wonderful and gorgeous but I can't help but think, what if next time the little mite doesn't stick and we have to try again - it would be good to have some embryo's on ice so that we didn't have to go through the whole process again.
I am not sure what to do. On one hand, I really believe that if you set a goal, you will achieve it (ie. you will find the money, get the time off, get healthy, lose the weight) but on the other hand, do we want to put ourselves under such pressure?
We have a lot of thinking and discussing ahead of us.
I got an answer back today and she is only available in September and we will have to let the clinic (and her) know whether we want to go ahead in September by then end of this month. It has sent me into a bit of a tailspin, we were still discussing what we wanted to do this year. There is a lot to think about - we need to get the money together, we need to make sure that we are ready, we need to get ourselves healthy and in shape and I need to start up all of my fertility extras. Cripes - I really didn't want to have to make this decision so soon.
The other side of it, of course, is that we could always use another donor. It is also scary to me using this donor again considering JBB was the only embryo that was a survivor and the 'what if we don't even get one?' next time. It was fine this time because we had JBB and he is wonderful and gorgeous but I can't help but think, what if next time the little mite doesn't stick and we have to try again - it would be good to have some embryo's on ice so that we didn't have to go through the whole process again.
I am not sure what to do. On one hand, I really believe that if you set a goal, you will achieve it (ie. you will find the money, get the time off, get healthy, lose the weight) but on the other hand, do we want to put ourselves under such pressure?
We have a lot of thinking and discussing ahead of us.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
A dream...
Two nights ago I had a dream that I was pregnant. Not only pregnant, 4 months pregnant (that would be pretty fast work considering JBB is 4 and a half months). It was a confusing dream because someone else was also pregnant - I think it was either my younger sister or my bestie and we were talking all things preggo.
There is a little yearning in me that wishes it could be that simple for us. The world of people having sex and **poof** after 9 months, there is a baby who joins the family. Sometimes I wonder if there are any of those people left in the world but I was at a one year old's birthday party yesterday that showed me that there definitely is. I suppose the dream is a prelude to JourneyMan's & my healthy eating plan that starts tomorrow. The theme of which is to 'eat only that which we would want JBB ] to eat'. We are both a bit of junk food addicts and generally whilst we try to eat healthily during the week, we go a bit crazy on the weekend. This healthy eating plan is our first effort in getting our bodies ready for Thailand trip take 2.
This small step throws me back into the IVF world of healthy eating, acupuncture, herbs, fertility tea, castor oil packs, not eating peas because they are not conducive to fertility (who knew?), handfuls of vitamins and supplements, caffeine free days, wearing orange pj pants because orange is the colour of fertility - in essence, this throws me back into my crazy 'do everything I can' mode. I don't know if I am ready for it yet. One thing that the holiday away showed me was that I still have some unresolved issues to discuss with the counsellor and certainly I would like to be in a better place mentally before we start trying for JBBS (JourneyBabyBoy'sSibling). I want to enjoy JBB's every little minute - he is precious and growing sooooo fast I just can't believe it!
So, as I dip my toe back into getting back into shape (probably a long road, I put on a lot of weight during the pregnancy), I am going to focus on the fact of being healthy for myself, JourneyMan and JBB, both of whom need me to be at my best and healthiest. I will separate these efforts from the next Thailand trip - I will get back to being fit, yeah - this will be fun (and scary!).
Wouldn't it be great though? You have sex with your beloved, you get pregnant and have a baby - simplicity itself and nary an orange fertility pj in sight!
There is a little yearning in me that wishes it could be that simple for us. The world of people having sex and **poof** after 9 months, there is a baby who joins the family. Sometimes I wonder if there are any of those people left in the world but I was at a one year old's birthday party yesterday that showed me that there definitely is. I suppose the dream is a prelude to JourneyMan's & my healthy eating plan that starts tomorrow. The theme of which is to 'eat only that which we would want JBB ] to eat'. We are both a bit of junk food addicts and generally whilst we try to eat healthily during the week, we go a bit crazy on the weekend. This healthy eating plan is our first effort in getting our bodies ready for Thailand trip take 2.
This small step throws me back into the IVF world of healthy eating, acupuncture, herbs, fertility tea, castor oil packs, not eating peas because they are not conducive to fertility (who knew?), handfuls of vitamins and supplements, caffeine free days, wearing orange pj pants because orange is the colour of fertility - in essence, this throws me back into my crazy 'do everything I can' mode. I don't know if I am ready for it yet. One thing that the holiday away showed me was that I still have some unresolved issues to discuss with the counsellor and certainly I would like to be in a better place mentally before we start trying for JBBS (JourneyBabyBoy'sSibling). I want to enjoy JBB's every little minute - he is precious and growing sooooo fast I just can't believe it!
So, as I dip my toe back into getting back into shape (probably a long road, I put on a lot of weight during the pregnancy), I am going to focus on the fact of being healthy for myself, JourneyMan and JBB, both of whom need me to be at my best and healthiest. I will separate these efforts from the next Thailand trip - I will get back to being fit, yeah - this will be fun (and scary!).
Wouldn't it be great though? You have sex with your beloved, you get pregnant and have a baby - simplicity itself and nary an orange fertility pj in sight!
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