Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Why do I want to be a mother?
I have been thinking about being a Mum lately. JourneyMan asked me very early on in our relationship why I wanted to be a mother. I stumbled over it at the time because how can you define something that you feel is your basic right? Over the years, I have come back to the question again and again. I don't really know if I have a better answer than it is something that I want in every fibre of my being.
I have always wanted to have a family of my own. There are a million reasons why and there are none. I guess one of the reasons that I stumbled to answer the question previously was that some part of me used to believe that it was for selfish reasons. So I would have the love of a child for the rest of my life, so that I would be surrounded by family, so that I would leave a legacy in the world. None of those reasons really mean that much to me though. Over the time of IF, I have become clearer.
One of the main things that I have realised is that I have an eternal well of love within me that I want to share with a child. Believe it or not, my JourneyDog that is Woolly is the one that has made me realise that. Unfortunately, he also bears the brunt of being treated like a baby at times (I have been known to blurt on his tummy - his response is to play bite my nose, he is unimpressed). It has been a good lesson in responsibility as well as consistency in discipline - he is a great teacher.
I also fear it as well, I mean - I don't want to be a bad parent. I am sure that many parents who are over protective or smothering or harsh on their child also have good intentions. After all, how do I know I will be a good mother?
I read an article whilst we were in Perth. It was talking about the global financial crisis and how more and more people are having to now wait for things instead of being able to buy them straight away. The article was talking about how making yourself wait for things can be more satisfying. I know that it is not the same thing (as we have been forced to wait rather than making the choice ourselves) but I did draw some comfort from the psychologist saying that after waiting for something that we really want, you feel a good deal more appreciation for the item than you would have if you were able to get it immediately.
I know I will appreciate this child when she (yes, I believe she is a she!!) comes along. I know that the waiting will have inceased that appreciation a thousand fold. I know that I will savour the moments more than I may have if motherhood had of come easier than it has. I know that my relationship with JourneyMan has deepened over the time of our wrestling with IF. It may have done so anyway but for me, I am blown away by the wonderful man that I am married to - his capacity for love, laughter and comfort - I am one lucky woman.
I think that our little holiday to Perth crystallised to me that there are positives that I have gained from the IF journey. The ability to cherish my relationship, the absolute appreciation when I finally hold that baby in my arms, that I believe in my own strength and resilience. I wish that it didn't have to be this way because it has been hard but I have to say, I am liking more and more what I see in the mirror and feel in my heart and that cannot be understimated.
So, why do I want to be a mother? I still can't tell you - it is in every corner of my being. Will I be a good mother - well, let's hope that I will find out soon.