Finally some good news

Yes, the liver tests that I had come up all clear.  It hasn't cleared the itching but at least I am no longer (too much!) fearful for Boo2.  I am very thankful that these tests came up fine, I have relaxed a little bit again (a very small bit).

That being said.  I had a breakdown on Monday.  I think what caused it was plain old panic.  Panic about the baby, panic that I am not going to be able to handle both kids, panic about the Ceasar.  I am not really sure if this is really the truth but I was definitely in a panic because the prior week had felt like a year and that I still had 4 weeks to go and I didn't know how I was going to get through.

There was an element of emotional exhaustion here too.  I have been worried about Boo2 from day 1.  Certainly even prior to day 1 - here was our last chance to provide a full blood sibling for JBB and the worry that we would have to go back for a full fresh cycle with a new donor was not a prospect that we wanted to think too much about.  Add on my Dad's death and grieving through the whole pregnancy, I think I am just exhausted from it all.

I was also plain afraid that my body would let me down, that I wasn't providing a safe place for Boo2 to grow and flourish.  I want to see his face, I want to hold him in my arms and watch him breathe safely and assuredly, I want to know that he is safe.

I know that a lot of this was also hormones but I just couldn't stop crying.  I disturbed JourneyMan many times at work and finally I got on to my sister and went over there for lunch.  Just to talk about everything out loud helped.  There wasn't really anything anyone could say that would help, I just needed to get the words out of me so that I could move past them.

Yesterday, JBB and I spent a lovely day at the beach with my older sister and her 3 boys, my younger sister and her son and my Mum.  Just having the supportive company that they bring and seeing JBB laughing and having a ball helped wash away anxiety.  I am still worried, I am still fearful but I am now, at least, not panicking so much that I am crying.

Over the past 24 hours, I have re-read quite a bit of my blog of the last days of being pregnant (I had SOOO much more energy last time!!) and the first months of JBB's life - it has been good to read that I was also fearful then and that I came through.  At least I feel a little bit more confident in my parenting abilities this time.

Pregnancy wise, I think I have actually dropped, my younger sister noticed and made the comment yesterday too.  I don't know if this means that Boo2 is on his way but it is another milestone (I can't actually remember this happening with JBB) and I am very glad of it.

Another Complication

So, I have now it looks like I have obstetric cohlestasis which is a disfunction of the liver due to the plethora of hormones in the body during pregnancy.  Apparently the body dumps bile salts into the blood stream and this can cause unbearable itching and dangers to the placenta and baby.  It hasn't been confirmed 100% at this point but I have been put on the medication as a precaution.  Let me tell you, the itching is absolutely unbearable but even worse is the thought that this could be affecting Boo2.  I have gone back to the early days of out and out panic.  

It seems that the main risk to the baby occurs if the baby goes to term - one of the treatment protocols for this cohlestasis is to deliver the baby before 38 weeks so it looks like the Ceasar date will be brought forward. 

I feel absolutely paralysed by fear at the moment and the thought that I still need to wait until Thursday to see the doctor again (my OB is away at the moment so I am seeing the fill in Doc who I like very much but I need my OB, I trust him and his judgement implicitly).  Every day is an eternity right now and whilst I can feel Boo2 kicking, I feel good - if he goes to sleep for too long and I haven't felt him kicking for awhile, I start to panic.  Thankfully I still have the heart rate doppler and check that he is okay.

My biggest fear at the moment is that the baby may be better off out of my body rather than in - the odds of seeing him happy and healthy seem to be diminishing before my eyes.  I don't want to let him down, I want him to keep cooking away in safety but I am in doubt that I am providing that safe environment for him any more.  I don't want to fail him, JBB and JourneyMan.

One day at a time, I guess.  I am praying that my little boy will be okay.

Staring Down Fear…

I have a question that I keep asking myself – ‘how do you enjoy a pregnancy when at any moment you expect the rug to be pulled out from under you’?  This is the classic ‘pregnant after IF’ conundrum.  I have watched bloggers be fearful for the whole pregnancy (this was also me with JBB) and I have watched in awe as some bloggers have courageously stared down their fear and determinedly enjoyed every part of their pregnancy.

I feel I am starting to play the ‘when, then’ game.  When I see a heartbeat, then I will relax and enjoy the pregnancy.  But really, that just doesn’t work because then it is ‘when I get to the 2^nd trimester, then I can relax and enjoy the pregnancy’ and then it goes to ‘when I get the tests back, then I can relax’, ‘when I get to viability, then I can enjoy it’, ‘when I hear them cry, then I will relax’.  There is always a when / then scenario and I really don’t want to live my life that way.

The fear is because I worry about the doomsday scenarios (miscarriage, stillbirth etc) but does worrying about them make them any less heartbreaking if the worst occurs?  In short, the answer is absolutely not.  I have gone into cycles with complete hope, I have gone into cycles with complete doubt and if the negative comes, I still howl crying and feel dark to my soul, so the question is ‘why worry?’  There is really no reason to give in to the fear.

So, I am going to stare down the fear.  I am going to hope and to act as if this pregnancy is going to go all the way and that at the end I have a beautiful baby to hold in my arms.

So, that being said, I do feel much happier today.  Over the weekend, I had a food aversion on Saturday night and some slight morning sickness on Sunday morning and today, I have had undeniable morning sickness for most of the day.  It’s made me so happy!!  I feel like crap but the very best thing is that I feel like I am pregnant and that is a really great feeling!!  Still 10 days until the first scan (when isn’t there a count down?) – so a bit of time to wait but I am going to enjoy it!

***  I would also like to thank the following people for stopping by and commenting in the last couple of weeks.  Each and every comment has touched my heart and I appreciate your support at this difficult and joyful time.

Ordinary Girl at Wonderfully Ordinary
Sue at Dream-Believe
TIO at The Impatient Optimist
Elle at Elle’s Family Blog
Silver at Hope for the Best
Melissa at Banking on It
Tiree Gal from Happy Go Lucky
Summer at Worrier/Warrier
Played by the Fickle Mistress at Fate is a Fickle Mistress

Maj Bryen
Julie

The Crushing Fear...

It has been a trying week. JourneyMan and I are fighting, which I absolutely hate and I am afraid, afraid, afraid. JourneyMan doesn’t seem to realize how serious sleep apnea is, he also has high blood pressure and is overweight – I am very scared for him at the moment but it doesn’t seem like he wants to do anything about it. It is so frustrating and I feel absolutely helpless. I am terribly afraid that he is going to die and leave me with the baby on my own, I am afraid that because I am not feeling particularly amorous that he is going want to find comfort elsewhere. I am worried that he does not want the family life but would rather be single that he hasn’t grown up enough to take responsibility for his child. I know in my heart that most of these fears are baseless but they are eating away at my equilibrium.

I am scared of myself as well, I mean after all just because I have wanted a child all this time does not mean that I will make a good mother – what if I stuff them up entirely? I am worried about taking the time off work – will we have enough money to live?

Generally I am a pretty brave person, I like to face up to my fears. So much so that on a trip to a theme park about 18 months ago, I went on a ride that I swore I would never go on again because it was so scary the first time – it was one of those giant drops where they count down and then drop you from about 10 stories high. It is not particularly the drop that I fear but the anticipation of it and sitting up 10 stories high with my feet dangling and the wind blowing the ride – very scary. I felt like I had to do it again just to prove to myself that I am not scared. I even want to go back to Nepal and climb up to the Kalar Patar peak that my bestie and I missed out on because I got altitude sickness.

At the moment though, I don’t feel brave – I feel like a meek, vulnerable pile of fearful crap. I don’t really feel like myself, I am constantly worried and feel like I am being crushed under the burden of fear.

I have had an awful couple of days at work as well. The project is frustrating the hell out of me but I have had some good news and that is that I will have work until I want to go on maternity leave and it has been approved by the CFO – whoo hoo!! I am really glad because I do like where I work (apart from the huge frustrations just now) but the people are fab (I told quite a few of them about JourneyBaby at the conference last week), they are hugely flexible with working conditions – as long as I am there for meetings, I can work from home the rest of the time and the work is interesting, challenging and generally fun. I realized that in June, I will have worked for the company for 5 years – a huge record for me.

I am sure that the pregnancy hormones aren’t helping with my constant state of fear but it is a pretty alien state of being for me – I am pretty uncomfortable though I am sure I will get over it soon.

In the meantime, I will quote one of my favourite sayings ‘this too shall pass’.