Pop's Boy

This week, I have been thinking about my Dad a lot.  I don't really know why but I think that it started on Wednesday when I took JBB to see his Nanna (my Mum) as she had been away for a week.  As I was putting him in the car when I picked him up from daycare - I told him that we were going to see Nanna, he then asked 'Pop too?'.  Over the next few days, I had a few periods of crying, crying because I miss my Dad, crying for the time that mine son could no longer spend with him - they had such special time together.

I couldn't stop thinking about 'Pop's Boy' - that's what my Dad called JBB.  Every time he walked in the door, he said 'is that Pop's Boy? and JBB would go over to him, lean in and Dad would pat him on the head.  I was always touched by their relationship, it made me so happy that they could spend time together.  When I was in Thailand, my Mum called JourneyMan and JBB over to the house the morning that my Dad died, they spent time with him.  It hurts me very much that I was not able to comfort my Dad when he was near the end, just for him to know that I was there, a touch on his cheek, to hold his hand.  Moreso, it's upsetting that I didn't see the final interactions between JBB and my Dad, those are memories that I will never have.  

Still all through the week, 'Pop's Boy' kept running through my head and I didn't understand why until I was having breakfast with my Mum and older sister yesterday.  I realised that the precious baby that I am carrying is the first grandchild that my Dad will not see.  He will not give him or her a nickname, he will not call out to them as they come running in the door.  I absolutely know that I my Dad would be so happy that I am pregnant, I know that he wanted me to go to Thailand when I did.  I am just sad, really sad that my kids will miss out on him being in their lives.  I'm sad that he is no longer in mine.

Amidst Grief, Cautious Optimism....

It is looking very promising and I am super thankful.  

Thank you all for your lovely messages about my Dad.  I arrived home safely on Sunday night, JourneyMan and JBB met us at the airport - they were both a sight for sore eyes, I can tell you - so much hugging, I was immediately comforted.  After tucking JBB in bed, I went straight to my Mum and Dad's place where my Mum, 2 sisters, brother and Aunt (Dad's sister) were all waiting for me.  As I hugged and cried with each of them, I realised how much love I have and how loved I am.  It was a beautifully sad night.

I won't go in to the whole story right now, suffice to say that the past 2 days have been spent making funeral arrangements.  I am emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted but amongst it all, I am also filled with hope that this might be our cherished second baby, a sibling for our darling JBB.  One thing that stands out in my mind over the past couple of days is that, I will not give up until JBB has a sibling.  Being surrounded by my sisters and brother, I have felt bathed in love, support and with a life shared.  I cannot imagine JBB not having that support in his life.  I am hoping that this cycle brings us a baby so that we can give the gift to both of them of companions to walk along life's road.

I now have to write my part of the eulogy for my Dad, I want to perfectly express how I felt about him in my life - especially how proud I am to be his daughter.

Shocked

My Dad died earlier today.  Unfortunately, I am still in Thailand and far away from my precious family at this time.  Poor JourneyMan had to break the news to me over a face time call - I was and am devastated.

As many of you know, Dad was sick with melanoma and hydrocephalus but before I left, he was okay.  Not fantastic, he wasn't improving or anything but he was okay.  When I said goodbye to him 10 days ago, I didn't know it was goodbye forever but I did cry.  I cried because he wished me good luck, and kissed me and then put his hands on the sides of my face and said goodbye and good luck again.  

Thankfully my Bestie is here with me in Thailand and has been of tower of strength and support.  I can never thank her enough for what she has done for me on this trip, she personifies true friendship.  She organised and earlier flight home for us in a snap and has basically organised everything for us to be heading out in a few short hours.  She is a legend.

I have spoken to my Mum, my brother and my younger sister.  My older sister was also away when he died so I haven't spoken to her yet.  He died at home, surrounded by love - my Mum, brother, younger sister and my Aunt (Dad's sister) were all there surrounding him, that makes me so happy.  My younger sister kissed him goodbye for me, I am so grateful to her for doing that.  I told my brother how thankful and proud of him I am - he did so much for Dad in these last months - more than all of us put together.  I am not sure when the funeral is going to be but I will at least be home to help organise it and be there with my family.  They told me that his last words were to me, that he couldn't hold on any longer.  This tears me to pieces.

I cannot contemplate the fact that I will never see him again.  Will never have a joke with him, watch a footy game with him or take JBB over to see him, I don't know how any of that it is true, it just can't be.  

It is Father's Day in Australia tomorrow - the thought of it hurts me to my bones.  How can it be Father's Day and my Dad not be there?  Dad, I love you.  Thanks for being my Dad.

I can't write any more - it's all to raw, the shock is paralysing me. 

The Hard Truth....

I am still struggling to write posts but I am hoping that I will get back into the rhythm of things soon. My Dad is not going well. He was in the hospital for a couple of weeks having radiation treatment for the cancer that has come back where the lung was that they removed and on his adrenal gland. He chose this treatment because it was supposed to have minimal side effects but I don’t think that he has been eating properly for more than a couple of weeks due to the nausea. He came home on Friday and had a fall and Mum was afraid (because he was not eating or drinking) that he was dehydrated. She had to take the exceedingly hard decision to see if he could go back to the hospital. A hard decision for Mum because Dad doesn’t like being there and he takes it out on her. She has had to make so many hard decisions – I feel very sad for her, they had always wanted to be spending their retirement going on trips and having coffee everywhere around Melbourne (they loved going for coffee – loved it!!).

On top of the cancer is the fact that he has the hydrocephalus (fluid on the brain) and this has caused his short term memory to be irreparably damaged. In the past years he has changed significantly from the person that he used to be but right now – there is good and bad in what the hydrocephalus has done to him. It seems to have affected his pain centre so that he doesn’t seem to be in as much pain as you would expect in this situation, which is good. He has also had some humiliating things happen to him (accidents and such) that he doesn’t remember which is also good. The worst of the hydrocephalus is that we just don’t know what he understands about the situation because one day he seems to be accepting of what is happening and the next day he will be wondering when the treatment will fix him. We are all having trouble accepting that we have limited time with him but I also have things that I want to say to him. The problem is – I don’t want to freak him out if he is not remembering why he is in the hospital and having treatment but I also don’t want to regret not saying the things to him that I want to say. The other hard part is that I could say everything I want to say to him and he won’t remember it the next day.

I’m gonna say it here and then hope that I will get a chance to tell him.

I want to thank him for being a great Dad. I want to thank him for taking me to the footy with him every week when I was a kid – it has created amazing memories and has also enabled me to relate to him at all times. I want to let him know that the times that he told me that he was proud of me, I hold precious in my heart. I want to thank him for teaching me how to laugh at myself. I want to hug him for him taking JBB into his heart so completely – they have a beautiful relationship, it makes me so happy to see them together. I want to thank him for the single minded drive that he has given me – he was the most motivated person that I have ever known - unfortunately the hydrocephalus has taken it from him now but was so fit (he ran 9 marathons), it was amazing. I want to thank him for giving me so many belly laughs throughout my life, he knows how to tell a story and honestly, he’s had an aptitude for getting into ridiculous situations. I want to tell him how great it was that he worked in the garage out the back because he was always there when we got home from school. He (and mum of course) gave us an amazing childhood filled with family, holidays away together and lots and lots of fun – whenever we are all together, we reminisce!! I want to thank him for everything that he taught me – to drive, to work hard, to excel. Mainly I just want to tell him that I don’t want him to go, that I will miss him, that I love him.

The thought that he will most likely not even meet any more children that we have makes me want to sit in the corner and sob my heart out. I hope desperately that he will be around for the birth of my sister’s first baby in June, it will hurt my heart if he misses it. I know that these things are all selfish, I also know that he is suffering and that his life has become a complete struggle. Despite the fact that he is rarely the Dad that I grew up with, the hydrocephalus has taken him bit by bit away from us, I can’t contemplate him not being there at all. I am very sad for all of us.

Good News, Bad News

JBB went to the cardiologist on Wednesday and thankfully, he has been cleared of damage to his heart, so far. We go back in another 6 weeks so that they can make absolutely sure that nothing has changed, though they said that any damage at this time would be very rare indeed so I am very relieved and very hopeful that he will be fine. They have said that he can do sport and anything and that the only thing will be is that it will be an additional factor for heart disease later in his life. We have resolved to be very careful of our eating and exercising habits to pass these on to JBB.

On the bad news side, my Dad has been confirmed that the lumps in his adrenal gland and where they took his lung out are cancer. He has an appointment tomorrow to discuss treatment options but honestly, I have seen him a few times this week and he does not look good, in fact, he has looked worse each day. It is heartbreaking.

I am feeling very happy and very sad at the same time. So happy that JBB has so far escaped heart damage but so very sad at the pain and suffering my Dad is going through. I am still trying not to think about it too much. Thankfully, I am working from home tomorrow, I am pretty sure I couldn't take the news that my Mum will tell me at work.

On Hold....

We have had some more bad news last week. They have found a 6cm growth on his adrenal gland that was not there 3 months ago. Considering that he had melanoma and then lung cancer from the melanoma, this is pretty bad news. He had a full body scan yesterday and now we are waiting to see what the doctor says the next step is. So we are waiting.

In addition, JBB has his tests tomorrow to check that there has been no damage to his heart – we will not know the results until Monday and I am hoping against hope that he is cleared of damage to his heart but will just have to deal with it if the news is not good. He has been very good and active, so I am hoping that it means that he will be cleared but it is hard to know what is going to happen. But we are waiting.

I am trying very hard to not worry until I have something concrete to worry about but I do find it very difficult – especially when they are both important things. Add these to the waiting that I have done over the past 4 years with IVF and I feel like my life has become and interminable purgatory of waiting. You would think that after all of this time, I would have gotten better at it but it is very wearing.

My Mum tells me all the time how hard it is with Dad being sick (I honestly think that in the last 5 years, he’s had around 15 operations and a gazillion appointments) because she can’t make any plans – I absolutely know what she means cos we have been in the same place. We usually only book a holiday at the last minute because who knows if a cycle is going to happen and we have to be going to Thailand? Our Christmas holiday was cancelled, so that I could go to Thailand for the cycle and my sister asked me the other day if we were going to go next year – of course my answer is ‘who knows?’.

I feel like our life is mostly, waiting for the results of Dad’s operations and tests and waiting, preparing for or recovering from IVF cycles. We had a blissful (though not without a hell of a lot of worry) 8 months where we were waiting for JBB to be born and then another 5 months where he pretty much occupied my every thought but then it was back to work to get enough money for another cycle and the waiting began again. Now we have to wait to see what Dad’s treatment is going to be, wait to see what JBB’s results are going to be and then 6 months of waiting and preparing for another cycle.

I need some strategies to handle a life perpetually on hold – anyone got any ideas?

Struggling

Last night, I couldn't stop crying. Dad had the appointment (my Mum and Aunty went along) with the doctor yesterday and my sister and I went to see how they were going. My Aunty did a wonderful job of capturing all of the information from the doctor and she sent and email to all of us detailing what had happened. I have read it a few times but the part that leapt out at me was that 'with treatment he could have 2+ years and without it, probably around 12 months'. To see it in black and white - it was like a vice was put around my heart and some nasty bastard started winding it in. I started crying and unfortunately set off my sister and mum. We had a group hug and sobbed for a while.

Dad's not going that great. He had an accident and my Mum told me later that he said to her 'I'm going to have to go to a home, aren't I?'. My Mum burst out crying as she told me and seriously, that vice just got wound in tighter and tighter. I dread what is going to happen in the coming months. I dread it for my Dad, I dread it for my Mum - I dread it for all of us.

My younger sister is struggling and it is breaking my heart because, after years and years of trying to find the right man, it looks like he has finally shown up and I know that my sister can't help but wonder if Dad will be around to walk her down the aisle.

I don't mean to be a 'poor me' as I know that many of you have been through similar and even more horrendous situations - I am merely trying to express my feelings in a constructive way.

I'm trying to stay positive but also face the situation head-on but I am struggling.

Massive amounts of information....

Thank you to all of you for your very kind comments and best wishes, I really appreciate it.

My Dad definitely has lung cancer though we don't know what the treatment is going to be. I am worried about my Mum, she is taking it very hard (understandable) and is having trouble keeping myself, my two sisters and brother up to date on what's going on. I have told her that I will do the communicating for her so that she only has to remember to speak to me and I will keep the others informed. We have had a small piece of good news and that is that it is not anywhere else in his body. This week, he goes in to see the oncologist on Wednesday morning and on Wednesday arvo he is being operated on for a hernia (he is having a bad run). We will know more then. It is in my mind every moment of every day. I was talking to him on the phone today and he didn't sound great.

I'm having trouble sleeping because of the information going around in my head. I hope that he is not in pain, it is my overriding thought. The most painful thought is that my darling, sweet boy will most likely not remember him. This is always followed by the fact that Dad is so different from the man we grew up with that JourneyMan didn't even know that guy. It has been hard over the past few years because as pieces of Dad were taken away by the hydrocephallus, it became harder and harder to grieve. Sometimes, I would catch a glimpse of my old Dad and I started to think that it was harder to see that because I would grieve all over again. Now, everyday I wish for another one, or ten, or a hundred or a thousand.

There was a lovely moment on Friday. I was out to lunch with Mum, Dad, my Auntie and of course JBB. Dad was playing with JBB and put his finger in his mouth and said 'he has a tooth' - I said 'oh really' and felt for myself and sure enough, his little tooth had finally broken through (we had a very bad bout of diarrhea and nappy rash last week). Dad was absolutely stoked that he was the one to find it - I loved it too!! My Auntie took the most beautiful photo of Dad holding JBB, I have looked at it many times over the weekend.

In other news, we have booked in for our next cycle with the same donor that we used for JBB. We leave for Thailand on the 4th of October (I have added a countdown to the blog!!). I told Dad about it the other day, he was really excited for us and kept on saying to JBB - 'you might be getting a new brother or sister soon!', it was lovely. I have had a talk to JourneyMan and Mum about the trip to Thailand and we have all agreed that we have to go ahead with it - the opportunity to use the same donor is only available to us this year and so we really feel that we must take this opportunity while it is offered to us. We are booked in with the clinic and we have also booked our flights. I feel a bit weird about booking our trip and doing all of the research about it when I have Dad to worry about but by the same token, it is a distraction. I know 100% that Dad wants us to do this anyway.

I finally had the mammogram last Wednesday but won't get the results unitl Tuesday. I am hoping it will all be okay. The ultrasound woman seemed to think that it was just a fatty cyst so I am choosing to believe that that is what it is - especially since I get a few of those.

We are also preparing this week to go away for Easter. We are going to country Victoria to watch the Stawell Gift which is Australia's most famous (and I believe richest) foot race. The carnival runs over the whole of the Easter weekend and it is a really nice time. I have started writing a list of massive amounts of stuff that we will have to take with us, I am really looking forward to getting away for a few days.

The final news is about JBB. Gosh this little tyke is growing up quick, he keeps growing out of all of his clothes and this week has been a huge week of progress. He has taken a few crawling steps, he has started standing holding on to things, he got a tooth and he is, as always, the light of our lives. I took him to see JourneyMan play footy (Australian Rules Football) at our local club today and we had a great time!!

Well it is time for me to sign off. I haven't had a chance to catch up on everyone's blogs, I hope you are all going well.

I'm devastated..

My Mum called me the other night at 9:30pm and said that she was coming over to have a cup of tea. Immediately I was on my guard because she never comes over that late. The news was worse than I first thought. They have found a tumor in my Dad's lungs, it is the size of my fist.

I have been in shock since, I am also in shock, angry and bitter.

I am angry because last year, my Dad had pnuemonia and was in hospital where they took an x-ray of his lungs. The Oncologist looked at that x-ray compared with the one that he had during the week and was angry because the tumor was clearly visible 12 months ago. We have not had an official diagnosis as yet but we have pretty much been told that it is lung cancer. We have also heard that they probably won't be able to operate as it is too close to his heart.

The bitterness comes from the fact that my Dad was always the fittest Dad going around, he ran 9 marathons for crying out loud and whilst he smoked in his younger years, he hadn't since he was in his twenties. He has gone downhill in the last 5 years because of the hydracephallus and dementia but honestly, this is too much to bloody well take.

We won't get the official diagnosis and treatment plan until after Easter but I swing between great hope that he will be able to fight it but maybe I still can only see my fit, strong Dad from my childhood. I can't even write the negative thought, I just can't, it hurts too much.

I am reeling and I feel absolutely sick inside. I can't write anymore - I am too upset. It has been a frightfully hard few days and I don't think it is going to get easier any time soon.

My Dad

Okay, so the past few weeks have been very stressful as you know, with the cramping, the shortening of the cervix and the deterioration of my dad's dementia and hydrocephallus. My mum and dad went away last week which made the week that little bit more stressful because she has always been my rock. I think unfortunately it is their last trip away together. It is such a hard disease to cope with, he has changed so much over the past few years, he is hardly recognisable as my dad anymore. He is paranoid and agressive and in complete denial about everything. He used to be one of the funniest people that I know, always with a self depracating story and one of the things that I always respected about him was his ability to admit when he was wrong, he's not like that anymore.

One of the great things that happened though over Christmas is that he really held on to the pregnancy in his memory (it is his short term memory that is damaged), he always remembered JBB's name (yes, already picked out ready to go) and would ask how we were going all the time. Since they got back though, it seems like that has gone into the damaged part of his memory and now he doesn't ask anymore. I am hoping against hope that will change again.

One of the hardest things is facing the fact that JBB will not know his Pop the way I knew him, in fact JourneyMan didn't even meet the dad who I grew up with. It makes me very sad.

In my mind I have to separate out the person my dad used to be from the person that he is now because of the hurtful things that he can say and do, especially to my mum. I have to keep them separated because my image of how he was feels like it is being chipped away piece by piece. I have to remember the man who made me laugh, the one who took me to the footy every week, the man who never missed an opportunity to tell me that he is proud of me. I miss him and sometimes the small glimpses of what he used to be hurts even more so.

Fortunately and unfortunately for me, my mum confides in me a lot and even though most of the time now I have a handle on knowing she just needs to vent because her life is certainly not what she thought it woud be, sometimes I want to stick my head in the sand and not hear about what is happening. I won't do that though because she really needs the opportunity to vent - I have suggested that she see a counsellor so she doesn't have to hold back and she went once but never went back.

It is hard when someone you love is disappearing before your eyes. In my family, I am the mediator, the person everyone confides in, the strong one with lots of advice. At the moment, I don't feel strong, I don't have any advice and really, I miss my dad. I am having trouble dealing with the situation.