Thursday, October 31, 2013
Firstly, I would like to thank Tireegal, Silver and Reagan and Trevor’s Mummy for your kind words of support and help to my last post. Things have improved marginally (ie. Boo2’s naps during the day are slightly longer) – he is still waking up at the same times at night and I am back at work (and got sick with a stomach bug straight away if you can believe it) so the exhaustion is compounding right now. That’s not what I want to talk about this post though.
I was watching a ‘Supernanny Family SOS’ episode last night and there was a family on that had gone through many cycles of IVF and had then had adopted 3 daughters. In essence, the Mum felt guilty because the kids were adopted and decided to parent with ‘no consequences’ the result of which they were very disrespectful and running wild. They also shouted to her quite often ‘you’re not my Mum’.
My guess is, that the ‘you’re not my Mum’ is a fear for all of us who are going down the donor egg or adoption route. I wrote a post about this here but this show brought it all back to me again and made me wonder if the boys will ever be so angry at me that they want to hurt me so much that they would say this to me – probably in their teenage years, I would imagine though I hope not. It doesn’t hold the fear for me that it once did – I know that I am their Mum, I know that there is no-one else who could lay the claim of ‘Mum’ to them, I have certainty in myself. That being said, I think it will still hurt if they say that to me but also ‘I hate you’ which I am sure hurts any parent when said, mostly I think because the intention behind it is to hurt.
The other thing that was happening was that because of guilt, the mother didn’t want to discipline any bad behaviour in the kids – that, to me, is crazy. My parenting style is to deal with misbehaviour straight away so that there are immediate consequences to their actions (though I also think that you need to pick your battles). JBB is definitely pushing his boundaries at the moment and has gone from sticking right by my side when we go anywhere to running off willy nilly. This is a total deal breaker because of the danger so he has had the consequences of some of his toys being taken away, not being able to watch some shows that he likes etc. Everyone parents differently and I can see how bad behaviour can breed – the easier road is to let it go at the time and give them what they want but I think in the long run, you pay for that in spades. I am absolutely exhausted right now but I still try to discipline any behaviour that comes up because I know it will be worse later. That is not to say that I am perfect, I am not even close to that, I am constantly worried that I am f*&^ing up the kids – though that is a post for another day.
JBB is now at the stage where he vaguely understands the concept of his birth. I tell him his story about once a day (once upon a time Mummy and Daddy wanted to have a baby very much….) and he can now distinguish between ‘Mummy’ and ‘The Donor’ (who helped Mummy out with a part that is working) though of course just on the level of naming various players in the story and not philosophically understanding that his story is different from others. My main goal at this time is for him to always know his story, so that it isn’t a surprise to him at some point in his life. The Supernanny episode also had a great idea. The girls were able to write out their questions and about adoption (or anything in their life) and put it into a box, the Mum then wrote the answers to their questions on the back of the card. It allowed them to ask anything that they wanted without the confrontation of having to talk about it – they really took to it. I think that this is a great technique – one I will adopt later on so that the boys can have answers to any of their questions.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
********Please do not read this post if you are in the trenches of infertility*********
I have a post waiting to publish, catching you up on all that has been happening here but at the moment - I need to vent about what is going on. Boo2 was sleeping through the night (for oh, about a week) and bam, we went in to the 4 month sleep regression that has now continued into his 5th month. He has eczema so I think that the itch is waking him up but he is definitely hungry also. He is generally waking around 10:30pm, 1:30am and 5am. Most of the time, it takes me around 60-90mins to feed him, settle him and get back to sleep myself so I am generally having around 1-2 hours sleep at a time. He absolutely refuses the bottle (which worries me greatly as I will most likely be back at work in around 3 weeks) so it is all up to me and I am feeling quite broken from exhaustion. Especially as Boo2 will wake JBB up at 5am and he won't get to sleep and he is refusing any nap so is grumpy as all get out. During the day, Boo2 is only having 20-30min naps (rarely, I will get an hour) and during those 20-30mins, I try to cook and clean and make sure that JBB is eating healthy and having some one:one time.
I try to get a little bit of additional sleep over the weekend but the house is small and JBB is very loud and I really only get an extra 1-2 hours between the Boo2 feeds if he doesn't start crying sooner, sometimes not even that. That extra sleep does help me for about a day but by Tuesday I am a complete wreck again. I just feel like I need a break, more than 3-4 hours doing what I want to do, a sleep that is more than 2 hours. He is having solids and is definitely getting enough food, and still he wakes up. I have tried leaving him to settle himself but he will cry for half an hour or more if I let him. I have been reading everything I can about it but all I see is that I need to resign myself that this could go on for the next 12-18months and the thought of that makes me want to sit down and cry.
In another matter that is totally pissing me off - people tell me all the time 'I just breastfed and the weight fell off me'. I have been counting calories every day (though I missed a few in the last couple of weeks) and have breastfed Boo2 every meal and the weight is most certainly not dropping off me. I feel a bit of pressure because I put on SO much in the pregnancy, I am an older mother and the weight puts me at a lot of health risks and I want to be around for my boys. I have lost some but I have got, so, so much to lose that it is a drop in the ocean.
Of course, on top of all of this is the guilt feelings because I fought so hard to have these kids and I am complaining. I feel terrible for wanting to have a break, after all, aren't there millions of mothers around the world going through what I am?