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Tuesday, November 10, 2009

There could be swearing....

Okay, I got over the fact that JourneyMan's sister is pregnant, I had a whinge, I had a cry, I railed and then got back to business of being excited about Thailand. I was knocked a little when JourneyMan's family invited us over for breakfast on the weekend because I felt pretty guilty saying that I couldn't go.
Today, I found out that my friend is pregnant with her second - this is the friend who got married 4 weeks after JourneyMan and I. I was supposed to be having lunch with her on Friday (along with my other friend who has just had her second and another friend whose baby has just turned one), it was the last straw, I have decided not to go, even though I was the one who organised it - what the hell was I thinking?
I am genuinely happy for them all, god knows I wouldn't wish this hell on my worst enemy but seriously people, I am trying to reduce my stress levels not raise them. I feel terribly guilty for not going, I have been a horrible, horrible friend (and SIL for that matter) over the past couple of years. I am trying to stay positive but everytime I hear of another pregnancy, I can't help but think 'what is it going to be like if we get a negative in December?'. Will I never see my friends again? Will I ever be able to be around woman who are pregnant or who have kids? Will I ever be a normal person again?
I have my sister and a friend coming over for dinner tomorrow night, she has secondary infertility and whilst I am hoping that she will tell me that she's pregnant tomorrow night cos she has had a pretty rough time of it (3 miscarriages and has been trying for her second for the last 3 years) - I don't know whether it will turn me into an agorophobic.
I am so totally and utterly over this crap I can't even think straight.
I think I am going to have to start back at Bikram yoga tomorrow - maybe I will sweat out some resentment and clear myself of this negativity.
Over and out.


  1. That is a very tough situation. As an infertile, I've been there and ridden that pony. I lived in the state with the highest birth rate in the country when I was doing infertility. As you can imagine, EVERY WOMAN was pregnant. It seemed like everywhere I turned there was another pregnant woman. Women on birth control were getting pregnant (no joke). It came down to my having two choices, I could shrivel up and become bitter about all of those pregnant women, shrink away at the sight of their bellies and hate them, or I could embrace the gift they were given that I was not and let the sting that it wasn't me roll off my back. I'm not saying it was an easy stance to take. It definitely took practice, hard work, and patience on my part, but I got there.

    I know you are happy for your friends, and I know that it hurts that they have what you want so badly you are willing to shell out massive amounts of money to go to Thailand to get it, but the way you handle those relationships is up to you. I know its hard.

    Are your friends aware of the lengths you are going to obtain motherhood? If so, let them be your support group. Again, I know that is hard, especially where they have children. My neighbor and good friend is going through IF and it has been heart wrenching to me to watch it break her. Even though I went through infertility for 2 years and walked the road she is walking, she has pulled away from me because I am a mother. It kills me because I want so badly to be there for her, but I can't if she won't let me. What I'm getting at is let your friends be there for you. Let them support you and hold you up in your dark moments. That is why they are your friends. They care about you and love you.

    I pray that this comment didn't upset you. I just know how hard it is to be where you are, and that was how I handled it. You're right, you don't need that negativity. It isn't condusive to your mission, and especially right now.

    Please know that I feel your pain, and my heart is going out to you. I hope you find the comfort and answers you need to handle these situations. I am here for you.


  2. Oh, how I hear ya! It comforts me that FINALLY my friends and family are all done having babies. One SIL is pregnant right now but that one doesn't bother me. I have attended and hosted so many damned baby showers over the years! Sending hugs to you and lots of good energy for your upcoming cycle.

  3. It totally sucks watching everyone get pregnant around you... I'm sorry :( *hug*

    I'm the oldest and none of my syblings have had children yet. (My husband is an only child, so no one there either.) I kind of look at it like my sister(s) getting pregnant will be my consolation prize. I'll hopefully get to help take care of her baby and, most likely, that's as close as I'll ever get to motherhood.

  4. This is always so hard. I think you should go on ahead and swear - and whatever else helps even if it only helps a little bit.

  5. I'm new to your site and just wanted you to know that I feel your pain. I too have a SIL who has been pregnant and given birth twice during the time that I've been on my IF journey. It's painful and really sucks. No one, and I mean no one, understands unless they have truly been through this. People will sympathize with you but that is as far as it seems to go. There always will come a time that you'll have to stop mentioning it because they will tend to take the "get over it attitude". In fact my husband had recently made a comment to me when he was flipping through the channels the other day. He was going to put on the new sitcom Accidentally on Purpose. I said that I didn't want to watch it because it's supposed to be about Jenna Elfman getting pregnant from a one night stand. Why would I need to torture myself like that? Then came the comment, "Are you ever going to get over this?" After I picked myself off the floor I said, "I don't know". I don't know. I believe that in time things will get easier, but at this time, I'm really not sure. My point is that even someone as close as your spouse who sees your daily anguish cannot fully understand what we IFers are going through. Losing the ability to reproduce is a death for us. When AF arrives after a failed IUI, IVF, or any other IF procedure, it feels like a death has occurred for us. No one else sees it, but every time you see that spot of red it is a constant reminder that you are not with child. It's horrible.
    My advice to you is to take all the time that you need. Don't feel guilty about how you are genuinely feeling about others. It's how you feel. It does not make you a bad person, it just makes you human. You are experiencing a trauma. Don't suppress the pain. Cry, cry, cry. It actually can feel pretty good. I'd suggest doing it in private though. And don't beat yourself up over what may or may not happen in Thailand. You won't know until you try. Your IF network is here to support you. Hang in there. Hugs, hugs, hugs :)!