Hard to Admit Fears....

Now that we have reached the point where there is a 90% chance that Boo2 will survive if born (and of course, these stats are getting better every day) I have started to think about actually having this baby and what comes after.  Him being the second, there are things that I know this time that I didn’t know with JBB.

I am a bit afraid of the Ceasar this time – not for the Ceasar itself but because of the spinal block.  When I had JBB and they were putting in the spinal block, I had some very painful nerve twitches that went from my back right down to my feet.  I started crying when they were putting in the spinal block and had a hard time stopping (poor JourneyMan couldn’t understand why I was sobbing as they wheeled me back in to the operating room – I had a hard time explaining because by that time, I wasn’t sobbing from the pain, I was sobbing from relief – relief that I was finally going to see my baby, relief that I had made it through).  By the time I had controlled myself, there was barely a moment until I heard my darling JBB’s voice for the first time and I lost it again, I was literally enveloped in relief and joy.  When they brought him to me and he was cleaned off in front of me, the images of those moments are burned in my mind forever.  Sometimes I am jarred when I see him each day because he is also that little baby that I see getting cleaned off in front of me.  It is not a big fear, I know I have to do it because there is no other way to meet Boo2.  It’s hard to admit though because I want to meet this little guy more than anything (not until the 7^th of May though!!) and I would rather not be fearful of that day either.

I am also a bit afraid of the recovery from the Ceasar whilst caring for a newborn and a toddler.  With JBB, I was in ignorant bliss about how hard those first months are but this time I am well aware of what is coming plus there is the additional element of caring for a very active toddler as well.  Thankfully, it looks like JourneyMan will be able to have 6 weeks off from work so that will get me past the Ceasar recovery and I am super, super thankful for that.  JourneyMan only had one day off last time because he had just started a new job so this will be such a precious, amazing time for our family.

There is some fear for JBB too, I know that this is going to be a really huge change for him and anything that upsets him is upsetting to me.  I know that he will benefit hugely throughout his life from having a sibling but I am sure that there will be some pain for him to go through once Boo2 arrives.  We are putting in as many plans that we can and the fact that JourneyMan will be there in those first weeks will be invaluable.  JBB is a really good kid though, he loves his baby cousin and I am hoping that he will love his brother even more so.

At the end of the day, I know that these fears will melt away when our darling boy comes into our lives and expands the love that we all have even further.  I know I will get through the Ceasar, I know that we will muddle through those first difficult weeks.  Sometimes you need to face a fear to get past it and move on.

Good news about Boo2 – he is growing well, my cervix is still nice and stable and I have also passed the Gestational Diabetes tests and all is going pretty well right now.  I am struggling with fatigue and a few aches and pains but people, we are less than 10 weeks to the Ceasar now and now it is becoming very real and super exciting!!

A lump

I'm worried and I don't want to freak anyone out but I have found a lump in my breast. In fact, it's been there for awhile and I haven't had it checked out because I thought it was a blocked milk duct from the breast feeding. It hasn't gone away though and now I am getting worried. I have booked in to see my GP on Friday which is the soonest that I could go. I am trying not to think about it but I can't seem to forget about it.

On one hand I think 'how could this happen, I have finally found absolute happiness in my life' - I have a lovely, supportive husband who I love, I have the cutest, most special miracle child in the world and a gorgeous fluffy and woolly dog. On the other hand I think 'I have been smacked down hard by life before, what could be different now?'

To be brutally honest with you, there have been times in my past where I thought that I wouldn't be missed if I died. This was when I was drinking and completely ashamed of myself for the horrorible person I was, lying to everyone - trying to stop and not being able to. I hated myself so much that I really didn't think that I had anything to offer anyone. I don't think that anymore. I feel like I have clawed my way back and I know that there are plenty of people who would miss me. I love my life and I desperately want to see my little JBB grow up and into a man and have a family of his own.

I am sorry for being morbid but I need to get these thoughts out of me so that they are not festering around inside. I unfortunately consulted Dr Google about this and unfortunately that scared me more than alleviating any fears.

Bad habit intervention (confession post)

This is a hard post for me to write because I would like it if I wasn't like this - I would like it if I didn't have to write about this. It plays against my perfectionism - I hate to give a bad impression of myself but what the hey - I am going to have to come clean, I aint perfect sisters and it is about time I realised that I will never be!!

So, JourneyMan and I had a talk tonight and I have realised that we need to have an intervention on ourselves. We have gotten into a bit of a rut of not doing stuff. We have become the 'not doing stuff' family, the 'looking at the four walls' family, the 'watching crap pay TV family', basically, 'the lazy family (foof, that one hurt).

It has been a combination of things that have caused this. For me, the pregnancy was tough (I realise that anyone who is struggling with infertility is probably yelling at the screen right now 'cry me a river - woman who has gotten everything she wants in life'). It was tough though in ways that I didn't expect it to be. I lost all of my fitness. I put on mega amounts of weight when I swore that I wouldn't. I was uncomfortable. These are not big deals and seriously, I am not saying that they are but I am trying to explain how I got to be in such a rut. After the battles of infertility and withdrawing from my friends and family, I got used to it. This was compounded in the last part of the pregnancy because I was pretty uncomfortable and without energy so I spent alot of time on the couch. I was very close to being a shut in and I really had a hard time moving myself out of that space - I am still working on it but I still have quite a long way to go.

Enter JBB and I struggled at the start. The sleep deprivation was to be believed and I was not handling the questions of JBB's 'exotic looks' very well, in fact it was a major stressor. Then JourneyMan lost his job and we didn't have any money to spare so we spent most of our time around the house. The crazy Melbourne weather didn't help matters - one day it was humid like Bangkok, the next day was a deluge of rains, then the day after that it was 40 degrees celcius (I believe that it is 104F). In fact, we have had an amazingly wet spring (and into summer) so I really didn't get myself together walking and getting outside - there always seemed to be an excuse. Yes, I do realise that all of these things are just excuses and seriously bad ones at that.

Lastly and not least (and seems to be the root of the problem). I seem to have developed a fear of taking JBB places. I noticed it pretty early on and I have tried to break myself of it by going out on my own with him but I haven't done it often enough to break the fear. I have told myself that it was for his own good so that I could get him into good sleeping routines etc but honestly, at the end of the day, it is all about fear. I am not exactly sure of what I am afraid of - the effort that it takes to go out. Not really, I have his bag permanently packed so that I just have to add a few things and I am out the door. It has just occurred to me that this may also be a form of my perfectionism - that I don't want to do something 'wrong' in public, that JBB might cry and I will see looks of judgement. Holy cow - I know how this sounds and I am thinking 'nutter' in my mind very clearly. The realisation came to me today. JBB was pretty grumpy yesterday and I was completely convinced that he was teething (and he may be) but I was out pretty much all day today and he was happy all day. I had to face facts today, people - he loves going out and I, as his mother, have to get of my arse and entertain this child!!

Okay, so I have gotten those confessions off my chest and I hope that you haven't walked off in disgust at my whinging about all the good in my life and seriously the sensory deprivation of this child. JourneyMan is also in the poo because as a family have not done a great deal of things together either, which is really sad - we are both going a long way to a smacked bottom! A couple of weeks ago, we went over to my brother's place whilst they were away for the weekend to loll about in their pool (my bestie came along for good measure) on a super hot day. We had an absolutely wonderful day and again, JBB absolutely loved it. For the most part, though, we have been 'the lazy family'.

This stops here, people!! There are some changes afoot in the Journey household. I signed up JBB for the creche at the gym today so he is going to creche for an hour and a half whilst I work out, then I am going to take my beautiful little man for a swim. When JourneyMan gets home, we are going to take JBB for a walk around the neighbourhood. This will give him some much needed fresh air and JourneyMan and I some time to talk about our days. We are headed to the country on the weekend for the day for a Hawaiian themed birthday party for JourneyMan's sister's husband's birthday (JBB has the cutest Hawaiian shirt and short set that his uncle got him on a trip to Hawaii - cuterson!!) which will be a fun day and then on Sunday, we are going to find a park and have a play.

I don't like fear and my way of dealing with it is to face up to the situations but I also don't want to go too far the other way. I am still going to be conscious of JBB's schedules and keep his life fairly settled but I am also going to take him out into the world more. The funny thing is that I was always the travelling girl - I have seen heaps of the world, I have done so much in my life and tried so many things. I have been brave and adventurous - I would really hate for JBB to grow up only knowing a cautious, shut in of a mum. I want him to see that his mum is fun, adventurous, willing to try new things, happy to get out in the world and smiles and laughs often.

Do the scars of infertility ever heal? I hope so, I really do - I want JBB to know the person his mum was before the disappointments changed who I am. I am determined. That is one thing I can say for sure, I am like a dog with a bone - I will heal, I will get out of this rut, I will bring the fun again!!