Thai massage...

Project Relax is going very well, there have been movies watched (Sherlock Holmes & Mission Impossible), baths taken (very hot because I am hoping that I won't be able to have them in a couple of days for quite.a few months), yoga for fertility done, hypnosis sessions listened to and much blissfully uninterrupted reading done - it has been very nice. I have also been partaking of some Thai massages but unfortunately for me over the past couple of days, the masseuses have been from the 'banging your head against a brick wall because it feels good when it stops' school of massage and quite frankly, I feel like I have been beaten up with a cricket bat. I have had some nice quiet time by the pool and have now retreated to my room to nurse my sore muscles.

I am also going to work on my transfer day schedule tonight and have a chat with JourneyMan and my Bestie. I need a transfer day schedule because the last transfer day was a bit of a debacle. I took all the post transfer herbs before the transfer, I completely forgot to bring the acupuncture intradermals, I got lists on the way to the clinic and was dripping in sweat when I finally got there and I had the most painful foot massage of all time. The bed rest after the transfer was laughable because there was not much rest going on with JBB romping around the place and plus, they said no lifting heavy things but if JBB was crying, there was not much that I could do but pick him up and comfort him.

The point is, these things are all within my power to change. I don't know whether they will make the difference between success and failure but I am certainly going to try to get to the transfer as relaxed as possible this time. In addition, the bed rest will be just that, rest only. So, tomorrow, I am ending my 2011 by making the final preparations for the transfer. Basically, tomorrow is really my last day to do anything because I will be on strict bed rest until I leave for the airport on the 3rd at about 9pm.

Whilst it has been very nice resting here in Bangkok (though resting and Bangkok don't usually go together in a sentence) I am still completely focussed on why I am here and that is to get JBB a sibling or two (if we are really lucky!!!).

Project Relax

So, I have started on Project Relax and I have made a very good dent in it but firstly let me update you on my visit to the clinic. My lining is looking good at 7.6, the doctor was very pleased but my estrogen level was a little low so I have been given some patches along with the other handfuls of drugs that I am taking. Here is my list this time:

Progynova x 3 per day
Duphaston x 2 per day
Prednisolone x 2 per day
Chinese herbs x 2 per day
Clexane injection x 1 per day
Estrogen patches x 1 per week
HCG injection

Today was a pretty good day, I was able to focus totally on getting ready for the transfer. I had a great sleep last night and this morning, I got up and did my yoga and listened to my hypnosis a couple of times, then I went and found a place to have a massage, which was really nice. After I had some lunch, I called JourneyMan and JBB, who are having a great time!! I miss them both like crazy, plus of course my little doggie. In the afternoon, I read by the pool to get some vitamin d in and then saw a movie this evening. All in all a good day.

It is lonely though being here without my boys but that is a small price to pay of this works. I have travelled many times on my own in my earlier days and alwys enjoyed it but now that I have a family, it's way different, I feel like one foot is still at home with them. I have to focus though, this is the best gift I can give JBB and that is the gift of a sibling.

Hopefully we are one step closer to that today.

Arrived in Thailand - belated Merry Christmas!

So, it has been a super busy, absolutely crazy holiday season - so much so that I haven't had a chance to post.

Firstly, Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays everyone - I hope that you are having a happy and safe time!!!

I am in Bangkok at the clinic, waiting for the results of the blood test and I will have a scan soon. But first, let me tell you about Christmas and how I got here!

I finished work on Friday and then had plenty to keep my busy in the lead up to Christmas day on Sunday. I had to do food shopping, start cooking my maple syrup and apple cider braised pork belly that takes 8 hours to cook, finish Christmas shopping for my Mum (I go with my sister every year and we make sure our Mum gets a haul of pressies like she gives out to everyone else), get my hair cut and spend as many minutes as possible with JBB before I had to leave.

Speaking of JBB, he had been pretty cranky and he also decided that he was going to change his waking up time at this point back to 5am so that was a little added bonus for us. Let me just tell you 5am starts + late nights = one tired JourneyGirl!! Christmas eve was really nice. We went around to my mum and dad's to finish wrapping our present and to watch Carols by Candlelight. JourneyMan took JBB home to bed early and he was finishing putting his trike together. When I got home, we wrapped and organised JBB's present together - it was another of those moments I have always dreamed of. We have spoiled him rotten but it was worth it to see his face on Christmas morning. We had a lovely time opening presents as a family.

Also early on Christmas morning, I realised that I had turned the oven off on the pork belly on Christmas eve but forgot to put it in the fridge and it had been a really hot night. I couldn't risk making everyone sick so I had to throw it all out - very painful I tell you.

Christmas day continued and sure enough, the Melbourne weather delivered a crazy day - it was super hot and humid and then in the afternoon we had massive thunderstorms, with many suburbs having flash flooding and hail damage - it's been awhile since we had one of those Christmases. Our lunch with my family was lovely and then we went to JourneyMan's family for dinner and that was also great!! By the evening, JBB was absolutely exhausted (I don't mind telling you that I was as well!!) so we took him home and he went to bed a very happy but exhausted boy. It was a really lovely Christmas, it was all about family and that was the best!!

On Boxing day, we decided to spend a quiet day in rather than go out after the business of the day before. I had my last acupuncture session and then we had a nice walk with JBB. I spent as much time with him as I could though it seemed surreal that I was leaving for Thailand that night. We had a lovely story time and he went to bed early and we headed off to see my bestie before going to the airport.

At the airport, I found out that I hadn't brought the credit card that I book the ticket with and they wouldn't let me on the flight without it. I called JourneyMan in floods of tears and he very kindly raced home and back (we live about 45mins from the airport) - he got back in time and I was allowed on the flight but not before I berated myself hugely for being such an idiot - I remember reading that on the printout and then promptly forgot. JourneyMan was my saviour last night - he was so good and supportive, I honestly am extremely lucky to have him as my husband - he is wonderful. I also got some excellent text support from my bestie and my Mum.

So, that was why I couldn't do my normal post at the airport - as soon as I cleared immigration, they were boarding the flight. I was like a crazy woman going through the airport with streams of tears running down my face. I have done so many stupid things over the past month, mostly out of character things so I think that the exhaustion is really having an effect. Thankfully, the flight was a pretty good one and I slept alot of the time so I feel better this morning though I have gone straight from the airport to the hotel, had a quick bath and then walked to the clinic (the hotel I am in this time is closer to the clinic and it was a nice walk!!).

I hope that everything will be okay with the scan - I am looking forward to getting back to the hotel and really relaxing and getting focussed on this cycle and ensuring that I am as ready as possible on New Years Day.

I miss all my boys but hopefully, I will be able to get what we all want (except for maybe JourneyDog - I think the jury might be out for him) and bring home a sister or brother (or both!) for our darling JBB.

4 More Sleeps – what the?!?!

**Firstly, I want warn out there who is still struggling with IF that this post is pretty chipper and happy and talks about Christmas with our son - I know how hard it is at this time of the year to read posts like this one if you are in the midst of some turbulent times as many of my bloggy friends are, I won't be offended if you move onto another blog. My heart goes out to you all, you are brave, tough souls - I wish you all the best and hope that you are able to recover and deal with the holidays in whatever way and I will hope against hope that 2012 will be your year!**

Seriously, I am in a time warp – although work seems to be going very, very slow – the days are whizzing by and there are only 4 more days until I leave for Thailand and cycle 2.1 and Christmas is in there – holy cow, how is that even possible!?!?!

I still have quite a bit to do. I am working today and tomorrow and then I am cooking some slow braised pork (with maple syrup, apple cider and mustard – yum!!) for Christmas day at my Aunt’s place as well as a chocolate ripple cake (most Aussies will know what this is, a very simple ‘cake’ made of chocolate biscuits and cream that softens overnight to become cake like) and a Greek salad for JourneyMan’s Mum and Dad’s place. I tried to go as simply as possible with the cooking since I am working full time in the lead up to Christmas – last year I took on a bit too much.

On Saturday, I am also booked in to get my hair cut (it’s gotten so long now that it is annoying me and it also doesn’t look good so I am lopping it off, plus you are not supposed to have your hair coloured in the first trimester and I really hope that I am pregnant in the New Year) and then am meeting up with my sister and Dad (I think he is coming) to organise presents for my Mum. Pretty much all time is booked until Boxing Day and then I am flying out that night. I am hoping that I will be so tired that I will sleep the 9 hours on the way to Thailand!!

I was at the shops until 10pm last night and then wrapping presents until 12:30am. JBB woke up when I was going to bed and then I fell over and jarred my back after I had sat in with him for about 40mins – poor JourneyMan had to come to the rescue and then had the job of getting JBB back to sleep. JourneyMan is finished work though the lucky duck!! I had to really drag my arse out of bed this morning, I am really ready for work to be over!!

All that being said, I am really, really excited about Christmas this year and have finally found my Christmas spirit!! I have had a ball buying JBB and JourneyMan’s presents, I have really enjoyed it and I can’t wait until Christmas eve to put all of his pressies out then, of course, to see his face on Christmas morning and to watch him have fun all day.

On one hand I am looking forward to Thailand and the potential that it could create for us – a sibling for JBB, a complete family, no more IVF cycles, no more having to save money for cycles, no more invasive treatments, I can get treatment for my cramps. Even the short term benefits are very nice, as much sleep as possible, lots of rest and relaxation, plenty of time to get massages and read etc.

On the other hand there is the heart wrenching, gut churning thought of being away from my darling boys (JourneyMan, JBB and Journey Dog who has no wool anymore) for 8 longs days is a very scary reality to face. I am going to miss them like crazy and whilst the positives benefits far outweigh the drawbacks it feels like the drawbacks are way, way worse. Oh well, it is only 8 days, I will get through it!!

Fate - what do you think? (6 days to go!!)

I have been wondering about fate lately. When we brought JBB home from the hospital when he was sick, my mum made a comment to me of something like ‘thank God your last cycle didn’t work, the stress might have caused you to lose the baby’. When I told JourneyMan about this, he then commented that I also might have been feeling morning sickness and tired if I was pregnant and might not have been as vigilant with following up JBB’s symptoms.

I found this line of thought intriguing – is there a guiding force that determined that because JBB was destined to get sick, the cycle failed to allow me to tend to him without distraction? I guess this line of thinking is about fate and I don’t know whether I believe in fate or not. I have always had trouble believing in fate or a grand plan because sometimes it can seem so cruel – I mean, who determines the need to go through multiple cycle failures or pregnancy losses? Not to mention the other tragedies that befall so many in the world.

Does that mean that regardless of what I do, the outcome of this coming cycle is already determined? Being the control freak that I am, I feel uncomfortable with the lack of control over my own destiny that this implies (especially since I spend my time trying to influence my body with treatment after treatment!!). I have trouble grappling with the something is ‘meant to happen’ as well because doesn’t that mean that the heroin addict who gets accidentally pregnant and has a baby born addicted to drugs is ‘meant’ to happen, or that the hospital here terminating a healthy 32 week old foetus (I think it is a baby by this point for sure!!) was ‘meant’ to happen and that disturbs me mightily.

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it – I would welcome opinions from anyone else out there!!

Seven days to go people!!

Yes, the ticker is technically correct, it is really 8 days to go but because my flight is at 12:15am on 27 December, I really consider it Boxing Day night and thus it is only 7 more sleeps – especially because I will need to be at the airport at 9:15pm – or maybe a touch later as JourneyMan and I will be having a visit with my bestie on the way to the airport so that should be fun!! Can you believe it, this time next week, Christmas will be over and I will be enjoying my last day having fun and playing with my delightful boys. We have decided that will go to a wildlife reserve not far from our house on Boxing Day – JBB will be able to feed some of the native cockatoo’s there (though no doubt he will say ‘puppy!!’ as he calls all animals, even himself sometimes in the mirror’) and we can have lunch at the café. Later we are going to have a mock New Years Eve celebration as I will be away on New Years Eve and having the transfer on New Years Day. I am planning on us having a little dance party and a countdown to big kisses and hugs!!

The weekends seem to scream by in an instant and before I even have a chance to contemplate a post, it is all over and I am back at work again. That is where I am now and I am seriously counting down the days until I finish work, at this point it is really 4 days because today is half over and I am only working a half day on Friday – whoo hooo – it will be a great feeling to finish work!! JBB is in a complete and utter mess, routine-wise because he hasn’t really gotten back on track since he was sick and because I have been working full time – booooo. Last night he woke at 3:30am and was awake until 5am and so I have been awake since 3:30am, I am a bit headachy from the tiredness. It will be good to fully catch up on some sleep in Thailand though I am going to miss my boys terribly.

The good news is, I am very much in the Christmas spirit now and am sooooo looking forward to Christmas day with our darling boy and the whole family! I am a person that hates shopping but I have discovered a real love of shopping for JBB and JourneyMan this year, both of whom are going to be pretty spoilt!! I can’t wait to see their faces on Christmas morning!! This year, we are going over to my Mum and Dad’s place for a casual catch up on Christmas Eve and watch Carol’s by Candlelight and wrap our final presents. On Christmas morning, we will no doubt be up early with JBB and can’t wait to have pressie corner with him. Then we are back to my Mum and Dad’s to have present with them and my younger sister and her husband. Then we are over at my Aunty’s for lunch and then we go to JourneyMan’s parents to spend the afternoon and night with his family. It will be a full on day!!

We are go for Thailand 2.1!!!! 12 Days to go!!!

Well, I am hugely relieved today. My lining is thin as all get out so the Melbourne Fertility Specialist has given the go ahead for the cycle, I am very excited and feeling quite positive about it. I am also feeling much better than yesterday because I had a good night’s sleep last night!! I got to bed early and then JBB didn’t come in to bed about 3am and spared me the head butts, punches and kicks!! Just on JBB very quickly – he is improving more and more every day, which is a super relief!! He absolutely hates having his asprin every night but it is worth the tears if we can minimise any damage to his little heart.

So, now that I am officially going – I feel a whole new lease of energy (it also could be the good night sleep that I had!!), I have soooo much to do but I am happy to get it all done!! I am going to miss my boys terribly but hopefully this will be successful, I will carry the pregnancy well and then we are blessed with a new baby (or two!) to complete our family and then we will be finished with IF forever!!

Here are the pertinent dates for the Cycle:

14 December – Start taking Progynova 3 X Daily
14 December – Continue Clexane injections daily
27 December – Fly our to Thailand (leave just after midnight and get in at 5:40am Bangok time
27 December – Go to the clinic for lining check and blood tests
1 January – Transfer

JourneyMan and I have talked in length about the number of embryos that we are going to transfer and we have decided on 2. This is a little bit of a risk because of the unicornuate uterus and the risk of twins but when I spoke to my Fertility Specialist yesterday, though he doesn’t agree with putting 2 embryos back (in anyone, he is all about only one all the time) but he has always maintained that the good side of my uterus is not that much smaller than normal so he said he understands our decision as long as we are willing to accept the consequences of our actions. We have discussed it ad nauseum and if we do end up having twins, we will consider ourselves extremely blessed (no doubt crazy busy and tired but definitely blessed!!).

I am still full of emotions – fear of another failure, scared of missing my boys too much, guilt because it will be nice to have a break, excitement that we have a chance to complete our family and so many more.

Bubsicles – Mummy is coming to get you!!!

14 Days to go - So Tired of Being Tired.....

Surely there is a point in which you reach peak tiredness and regardless of what happens, you don’t get any more tired? I have just found out that is not the case. After the horror of the hospital, there hasn’t really been a chance to recover, life still goes on and JBB still wakes up at 6am every day. The house still needs to be cleaned, the clothes still need to be washed, the dinner still needs to be cooked and there is money to earn to pay for everything. So, I have remained tired beyond words. In addition, there has been so much to do in the lead up to Christmas (which, yay – I am actually starting to look forward to, I mean, JBB is going to have an absolute ball on Christmas day and we are spoiling him rotten of course – how could we not, he is precious!!) and with these two weeks of full time work, I seem to be getting more tired as time goes on. Last night, I didn’t get to bed until after midnight only to be woken again and again after 3am with kicks, punches and headbuts from JBB – bloody painful and a shock when you are falling asleep. So this morning, I woke up even more tired than I already was – something that I really did not think was possible. The light at the end of the tunnel for me (if all goes according to plan) I will be able to do some serious sleeping in Thailand if the cycle goes ahead.

Speaking of the cycle, I can’t help but wonder whether this ultra stressful lead up to the cycle will be detrimental to it? I wonder whether this is to do with the ‘just relax and it will happen’ comments that can’t help but seep into my consciousness but really, what matters more, being relaxed or having a good quality embryo? I mean how long is a piece of string? I think that my biggest annoyance with the whole IF process is that nothing is really concrete – there is no ‘secret recipe’ that is guaranteed to give 100% success and that really drives me crazy, no doubt it is why I drive myself crazy doing all of these treatments and such, because I am trying to control something that I have not one iota of control over. The one thing that I actually do have control over, my weight, has gotten completely out of control so I have to ask myself whether I have been focussing on the wrong thing - a very depressing thought. The good news for those exponents of the ‘relax and it will just happen method’ will be happy to know that I will have 5 days in Bangkok on my own where I will be doing nothing but relaxing (getting massages every day, reading, swimming and most importantly of all, sleeping 18 hours a day!!) so will that be enough to mitigate the stress of the last couple of months? How long does it take to recover from excessive tiredness, and does excessive tiredness affect success rates anyway?

I have found it very hard not knowing whether I am going to be able to go Thailand – it is hard to get myself ready and to push through all of the crap to realise that we are so lucky to even have the opportunity for me to go back, we have never had any bubsicles before, so it is a rare treat for us to not have to go through the whole shebang of a fresh donor cycle.

You know, what? I have felt lost these last couple of months. I have felt myself back drowning in the sea of IF but not really part of the IF camp either because we have been blessed with our darling boy JBB. The shock of JBB getting so seriously ill has really knocked me around and I find myself on the verge of tears all the time and I really don’t want to be around people because I am scared that they are going to say something that will have me sobbing – I just don’t want to be out in public sobbing. Now sitting at home watching a children’s show (for the Australians – it was High-5 – what the!??!) sobbing is a whole different animal, I seem to be able to do that fine.

I think that the biggest thing is that I just don’t have enough room in my body for all of the massive emotions that I am feeling, shock, relief, gratefulness, apprehension, worry, happiness, grief, excitement – you name it, it is going on here. Today, though for the first time in a while, I feel like I might be getting back to myself. Not so much that I should be let out on an unsuspecting public, mind but definitely, a little better.

14 Days to go - So Tired of Being Tired.....

Surely there is a point in which you reach peak tiredness and regardless of what happens, you don’t get any more tired? I have just found out that is not the case. After the horror of the hospital, there hasn’t really been a chance to recover, life still goes on and JBB still wakes up at 6am every day. The house still needs to be cleaned, the clothes still need to be washed, the dinner still needs to be cooked and there is money to earn to pay for everything. So, I have remained tired beyond words. In addition, there has been so much to do in the lead up to Christmas (which, yay – I am actually starting to look forward to, I mean, JBB is going to have an absolute ball on Christmas day and we are spoiling him rotten of course – how could we not, he is precious!!) and with these two weeks of full time work, I seem to be getting more tired as time goes on. Last night, I didn’t get to bed until after midnight only to be woken again and again after 3am with kicks, punches and headbuts from JBB – bloody painful and a shock when you are falling asleep. So this morning, I woke up even more tired than I already was – something that I really did not think was possible. The light at the end of the tunnel for me (if all goes according to plan) I will be able to do some serious sleeping in Thailand if the cycle goes ahead.

Speaking of the cycle, I can’t help but wonder whether this ultra stressful lead up to the cycle will be detrimental to it? I wonder whether this is to do with the ‘just relax and it will happen’ comments that can’t help but seep into my consciousness but really, what matters more, being relaxed or having a good quality embryo? I mean how long is a piece of string? I think that my biggest annoyance with the whole IF process is that nothing is really concrete – there is no ‘secret recipe’ that is guaranteed to give 100% success and that really drives me crazy, no doubt it is why I drive myself crazy doing all of these treatments and such, because I am trying to control something that I have not one iota of control over. The one thing that I actually do have control over, my weight, has gotten completely out of control so I have to ask myself whether I have been focussing on the wrong thing - a very depressing thought. I am also not cheered by the fact that

The good news for those exponents of the ‘relax and it will just happen method’ will be happy to know that I will have 5 days in Bangkok on my own where I will be doing nothing but relaxing (getting massages every day, reading, swimming and most importantly of all, sleeping 18 hours a day!!) so will that be enough to mitigate the stress of the last couple of months? How long does it take to recover from excessive tiredness, and does excessive tiredness affect success rates anyway?

I have found it very hard not knowing whether I am going to be able to go Thailand – it is hard to get myself ready and to push through all of the crap to realise that we are so lucky to even have the opportunity for me to go back, we have never had any bubsicles before, so it is a rare treat for us to not have to go through the whole shebang of a fresh donor cycle.

You know, what? I have felt lost these last couple of months. I have felt myself back drowning in the sea of IF but not really part of the IF camp either because we have been blessed with our darling boy JBB. The shock of JBB getting so seriously ill has really knocked me around and I find myself on the verge of tears all the time and I really don’t want to be around people because I am scared that they are going to say something that will have me sobbing – I just don’t want to be out in public sobbing. Now sitting at home watching a children’s show (for the Australians – it was High-5 – what the!??!) sobbing is a whole different animal, I seem to be able to do that fine.

I think that the biggest thing is that I just don’t have enough room in my body for all of the massive emotions that I am feeling, shock, relief, gratefulness, apprehension, worry, happiness, grief, excitement – you name it, it is going on here. Today, though for the first time in a while, I feel like I might be getting back to myself. Not so much that I should be let out on an unsuspecting public, mind but definitely, a little better.

Sweet Relief and the countdown begins….

On Friday, a miracle happened – JBB started to act like himself again!! I tell you the relief was palpable – I had been so worried!! I thought I was never going to see my sweet little boy come back to me but he sure has. That doesn’t mean that there are no after effects. He is still waking up screaming every night around midnight-1am and then he comes into our bed to sleep with us – I think he is having nightmares – that’s what it seems like though of course, he cannot tell me what is going on so that makes it a little tough.

So, where does that bring us now? Well, over the weekend, I had a big cook up and froze a whole raft of meals because I am working full time over the next couple of weeks. I was getting worried about leaving JBB for all of this time but I have called my mum a couple of times today and he is going very well apparently (doesn’t want to have a sleep but other than that, all good). He only has one day at day care this week, thankfully and the rest of the time he is with his Nanna’s so that is very helpful. The thought of his little heart being damaged is still keeping me up at night but surely you get to a point where you can’t get any more tired, right?

I feel like I am plodding through things at the moment because I have so much to do in the lead up to Christmas and then hopefully leaving for Thailand the following day. I am trying to be positive and indeed I feel that I am supposed to go to Thailand on this trip. Of course I feel guilty about leaving JBB, I broke down crying the other night at the thought of it. Still, I feel like I need to do everything possible to give my darling boy a sibling and I am very hopeful that this will work.

Speaking of crying, my emotions are totally haywire right now. I started crying the other day whilst watching a childrens program, they were singing a song about going to the beach - yeah, cos that makes everyone cry right? So, for that reason, I am definitely not going to go to my Christmas catch up with all of my girlfriends, I just don't think I could make it through the night without crying. Hopefully at some point my emotions will go back to normal but for the moment, me and my black cloud need to stay away from festivities.

I am still in waiting mode. I have the appointment with the Melbourne fertility specialist on Wednesday morning and I am hopeful that he will give the go ahead for Thailand. I am also going to use the time to talk to him again about the bad cramps and what could be making them worse - really just for my own sanity, I don't think that there is anything that he can do but what harm asking?

In an effort to buck myself up and start being positive, I am beginning the countdown (and you know how I loves me a countdown!!) - this time in two short weeks, I will be waiting in the airport to fly out to Thailand. My little cheeky man will be tucked up in bed, watched by his Nanna. I will miss him terribly but it will all be worth it if I can get him a little sister or brother!

What is going on?

I am at a loss as to what to write about at the moment, so I just thought I would start and see what happens.

Firstly, let me say that I am worried about JBB, he seems to have changed behaviour significantly since we got out of the hospital. He is having tantrums all the time and he just screams and screams if I am not with him. I have this week off work but the following two weeks I am working full time to cover for my friend who will not be at work, I feel horrible about leaving him but I have to get back to work. He also seems to be having nightmares, which is just heart breaking.

The plan is also for me to go to Thailand if we get the go ahead next week from the Melbourne fertility specialist. I will feel horrible leaving JBB but honestly, I would much prefer that JBB has the 24/7 Daddy time rather than getting farmed out to other people because JourneyMan would have to work. My period has pretty much continued lightly but steadily the whole time and now I am kind of thinking that this might be a good thing? God only knows, seriously but I will have more information next Wednesday.

I finally put the Christmas tree up today and my plans for a 'year of creating new traditions' has not really eventuated. I basically have to get all of my Christmas shopping finished off tomorrow because I will be working for the next couple of weeks. I also have a big plan for the next 2 weeks of treatments and such to get my body as ready as possible. There is a heap to do and only a little time to do it in.

Feelings wise, I am numb. After we checked out of the hospital, I heaved with sobs, mainly from relief, though I am still worried about the follow up tests that may show heart damage. I also broke down on Tuesday night when I realized that I would probably still be going to Thailand, the thought of leaving JBB sickens me. I can't talk to anyone either. I am supposed to go out to a Christmas dinner with all of my girl friends next week (it is tradition) but I don't want to talk about the failed cycle in Thailand, I don't want to talk about my sister's pregnancy, I don't want to talk about JBB being Ill and I don't want to talk about the upcoming cycle in Thailand, what does that leave? Football, nope, don't want to talk about that either.

I am very, very grateful that JBB is getting better but I feel all at sea right now. I am hoping that I will stop whinging soon and start to enjoy, Christmas, it used to be my favorite time of year.

JBB Update

JBB has Kawasaki disease but he has responded very well to treatment. We are home now and he is tucked up safe in his bed but this weekend has been the most harrowing of all of our lives. Saturday was absolutely horrible.

Thankfully, the fever has broken, his eyes are almost back to normal and the lump on his neck is reducing. He has had studies done on his heart but they are more of a baseline, he will need to be assessed again in 6-8 weeks as the heart damage can happen from now. Thankfully, the odds for that go from 30% of children affected getting heart defects to 3% if treated early, which he was.

I am absolutely exhausted and I am still very worried about our beautiful little miracle child but I am thankful that I followed up with the doctor, I am thankful that he sent us to the hospital, I am thankfully that the hospital recognized the symptoms straight away and I am thankful for the love, help and support that were showered on us over the weekend, we are one lucky family. Thank you all for your comments of support, I really appreciate it.

I will update further when I can, for the moment, I need my bed and about 1000 hours of sleep.

A Vigil

I'm sitting next to my beautiful, perfect JBB. He is asleep but not soundly, he is burning with fever and wakes every 15-20mins whimpering in pain. I soothe him back to sleep each time. I can't stop looking at him, touching him, singing to him, letting him know I'm here. He is not in his own bed but a cot at the Royal Children's hospital in Melbourne. I am waiting to hear if my darling boy has Kawasaki disease and if he does, when they will start treatment. It is an inflammation of the blood vessels in the arteries and in particular, the coronary arteries. If detected early, most children will make a full recovery but complications can include aneurysm and heart attacks (thankfully this is very rare), you can find out more information here:

http://kidshealth.org/parent/medical/heart/kawasaki.html

It is past midnight and after many days of broken sleep and crying with exhaustion this morning, I have never felt less like sleeping in my life. How did this happen? I am still in shock and disbelief and even as I read information about this disease, I cannot think of it in connection with my life loving, big hearted, cheeky son, it just cannot be possible.

It all began with a tired and cranky JBB on Sunday. He hadn't slept well at either of his sleeps (even the fact that he had two sleeps in a day was unusual as he had recently dropped his second sleep) and wasn't his usual sparkling self at the lunch for my Dad's birthday at my little sister's place. He was feverish on Monday morning when I dropped him off at my Mum's place but I had been expecting more teeth for awhile, so I just put it down to teething. That night, we had trouble getting him to sleep and he woke at around 3am and we brought him in to our bed for the remainder of the night. On Tuesday, JourneyMan's Mum was babysitting him and I felt uneasy all day, not because, I was worried about her care, I was simply worried. I called her during the day to check he was okay, I hadn't done that for months. JourneyMan's Mum said that he was miserable all day, had a fever, a bit of diarrhea and really, just wasn't himself. It took him a long time to go to sleep and he woke at 3am again and we brought him into our bed.

On Wednesday, I was home with him all day and he barely left my knee, I gave him paracetamol and he perked up a bit after that but in the afternoon, he was back on my lap whimpering and was roasting hot and when I took his temperature it was 38.9C / 102F under his arm. I called the 'nurse on call' service we have here in Australia and they reassured me that everything was okay, most likely just a tummy bug, they said to call back if he had any further symptoms. When JourneyMan got home, I noticed a lump on JBB's neck and a patch of red, I got JourneyMan to have a look and he said that he had seen it the night before. I was back on to the nurse on call, quick as a flash and once we went through the whole story and explained about the lump and redness, she suggested we should see the GP within 24 hours. I knew that I couldn't go to work on Thursday, I needed to look after my darling and in the morning, I called the doctors office and booked him in straight away.

Wednesday night was a disaster. He slept in our bed all night and clung to me like his life depended on it, all night, I couldn't move and didn't get much sleep, he woke numerous times during the night burning up. When he got up in the morning, he seemed worse than the day before and by about 10am, I noticed that one of his eyes was bloodshot. This gave me a real fright but I was comforted that I was going to see the doctor at about 11am. It wasn't my normal doctor because I can rarely get in to see her booking so late but I had seen her with JBB before so was okay about it. She pronounced that he had a bad throat infection and thought that the infection itself had caused the bloodshot eye and the rash that we had just found on his tummy. She prescribed some antibiotics because she was worried that the lump in his neck was caused by bacteria. She also suggested that I book in to see her the next day but that if he should improve dramatically overnight and if so, I could cancel the appointment in the morning.

Thursday night was worse than Wednesday. He clung to me all night once again and I woke at 4am with a start because he was hot, way hotter than I had felt him all week. I woke JourneyMan so we could give him some paracetamol and he wouldn't go back to sleep for more than an hour. I took him out to the lounge room to rock him back to sleep and sobbed. I sobbed because I was beyond exhausted but also because I knew then that something was wrong. JBB had had a fever now for 5 days and despite being sick quite a few times in the past 9 months, he didn't shake it off quickly like he had previously. We slept uneasily until JourneyMan got up at 6am.

When JBB got up in the morning, both of his eyes were now bloodshot and he also had the rash on his face. I sent a text off to my Mum, letting her know what was happening, I told her 'I am very worried'. The main worried thought in my head came from the fever, he had had them before and I expected it to have gone down overnight, not worsened. She called me back to see what time I was going back to the doctors (11:10am) and said that if I am really worried, I should just go up there, they will normally see you if you are really worried. I pottered around for awhile trying to get JBB to eat some brekky and comforting him and then made a snap decision. For most of the week, I hadn't trusted myself, I thought I was acting like an over protective, IF affected mother who runs off to the doctor at the drop of a hat. Finally, I realized that was a total load of crap and I packed JBB up really quickly and headed off to the doctors.

They were very nice and the nurse saw me straight away after I had explained what was going on. She immediately took his temp, listened to his chest, looked in his ears etc and then called the doctor to come and look at him. This was a different doctor, he is the one that owns the practice (my mum took us to see his dad when we were kids) and he did all of the observations again and then we talked about what to do. I was expecting him to send us off for some tests but he basically said that he wanted to write a note for him to go to the emergency department of a hospital. His thoughts were that he thought it was okay but because it was Friday, he wouldn't be able to get any answers the same day. He also said that he would prefer them to be angry at him for sending him in needlessly rather than missing something that got exponentially worse over the weekend. He said that he needed to be able to sleep that night. He also said that he had learnt over the years to trust a mothers intuition that something is wrong.

He talked to me about the hospitals that we could take him to and because we have private health care, we could take him anywhere. There was only one hospital that I was comfortable taking him to and that was the Royal Children's. I had to take him to the specialists, I didn't want him thrown out only to find out there there was a problem. I called JourneyMan on the way home from the doctors and we agreed he should stay at work, we thought we would sit around in emergency for hours, they would do some tests and then we would be sent home. I called my mum and asked if she wouldn't mind coming and she agreed. I packed up enough stuff for JBB for around 6-7 hours and picked up my mum and we drove in (about a 45min drive from our house). I told her we had to go through the coffee drive through because I was so tired, I needed a pick me up.

We got to the hospital and went through reception. The hospital had just moved on Wednesday to new premises and just the waiting area was impressive, there was a massive aquarium in there and JBB had a great watching the fish until we were called not 5 mins later to the triage nurse. The triage nurse did all of his obs and asked questions and then after around 10mins we were taken though to a bay. This is when I got scared because we walked past a massive waiting room full of people, I thought 'this is either contagious or dangerous'. After a while, the doctor came to see him and said that they thought it was Kawasaki disease but that there were a few tests needed. We had to find a way to get a urine sample, he sat on my knee with some waterproof paper and waited with a cup at the ready. In the meantime, he had an ECG. He finally started a wee and I was able to catch some for a sample, he did not get me at all!

After a big wait, the doctor came to put a shunt in for an IV and take some blood samples. This was the worst part of the day as they had to hold him down (thankfully, they had put some local anesthetic on his arms earlier) but he didn't like it and he was hysterically crying. I sang to him his favorite songs (dinosaur train, the froggy song, stand by me and you've got a friend). While they were still taking blood, JBB fell asleep, poor love was so tired. I called JourneyMan and he talked to his boss and came over to the hospital at about 4:30pm. JBB slept for quite awhile but my mum and I had not had anything to eat or drink since the coffee when we left home.

The doctors from the ward finally came to see us and said that he had 3.5 markers of Kawasaki disease, they begin treatment at 4 markers. We are still waiting for the blood tests to come back and that is where we stand now. Mum went home at around 7pm, JourneyMan went home and collected some things, brought them in and then went home again to sleep. Since then, it has just been JBB and I. It is now nearly 6am, JBB forced me to have a sleep with him at around 3am because he wouldn't go back to sleep unless I was holding him. The fever keeps on coming back and they have given him a couple of doses of paracetamol. I called the nurse in just before because his breathing had become quite labored, the doctor has assessed him and said he is just a bit congested in his nose, it was not his heart, thank goodness. Now I continue to wait to see what will happen next.

As a personal aside, this week has seen my period come full force and with it high octane cramps. I can still feel the cramps and the exhaustion but it is like it is in a person, sitting next to me, not me, my focus is totally on my boy. I can't believe this is happening. I am not religious but I am spiritual and I am praying, I am praying hard. I am pouring every ounce of love into every caress, every sweet nothing I whisper in his ear and every song I sing. One of the songs that I have sung to him since he was born is 'Stand by Me', I sing it to him to let him know that I will always be there for him. This morning, in the dark and lonely hours, it has become more of a plea to him to 'Stand by Me'.

The Rollercoaster.....

So, we all know that IF is a rollercoaster and I have definitely paid my ticket and am back on the ride right now.

When I went out to the market on Saturday with my Mum and two sisters, everything annoyed me. Firstly, when we went to pick up my younger sister, I had to drag a massage table into their house for them, I wouldn’t have dreamed of her having to pick it up herself but it brought it sharply into focus, she is pregnant and I am not, when all going well, I should have been.

Then in the car she told of her boyfriends friends. My sister and her boyfriend were very concerned about telling some friends of his about their pregnancy because this friend couple had been trying for two years. Luckily, it all turned out well because when her boyfriend told his friends that they were having a baby, so the couple had found out they were too! Yay! Once again, annoyed the shit out of me, not because of the story, I am glad that these people who have struggled did not have to hear about a couple who ‘accidentally’ got pregnant but I was just annoyed because I think the story was told as a parable ‘good things come to those who wait’.

Then when we were at the market, we were discussing the horrible case here in Melbourne when a couple had made the heart wrenching decision that they would abort a sick twin at 32 weeks (heart defects) and the hospital terminated the wrong baby, so neither of the babies survived (I have too much to say about this but will not in this post, I may in another but it really is just too horrible to contemplate). My older sister made the comment that ‘she thought of me when she heard about this because I ‘could have had one of these babies’. I was pretty affronted by this, I don’t really know how I feel about her thinking that – I know that it came from a place of love but it was just so wrong!!

Then at breakfast, my younger sister told the story of how she told a few of her friends (who have actually become my friends as well over the years) about the pregnancy. She invited them over to make the announcement. It was a nice story and everyone was over the moon for her, which was really lovely. The thing that really pissed me off though was that in the past, I would have been invited to it and been able to share the joy. I don’t blame her for it, honestly, I wouldn’t have wanted me there either – I am a black freaking cloud and if she invited me, I probably wouldn’t have come. She is damned if she does invite me and damned if she doesn’t – I am not angry with her, she was between a rock and a hard place. What I was angry about is IF. It bloody shits me that people have to tip toe around me. It makes me want to scream that people think that I would want to take a baby, any baby. It makes me really sad that I am excluded from the joy. It makes me furious that I am seen as a cautionary tale (better get on to trying really quick, you don’t want to end up like JourneyGirl) and I want to tear my hair out to be seen as ‘the deformed girl who should be pitied’ – ‘shhh, don’t talk about the babies, she might cry (though then if I do cry, I get in trouble for not being happy for the person – I am also damned if I do and damned if I don’t).

It is very hard to be told that you are ‘becoming bitter’ – I challenge anyone to go through this and not have some measure of bitterness. It is very hard to be told ‘they are your issues’ when you absolutely realise that they are your issues but really only wanted to rail against the situation that you have found yourself in, not wanting solutions or advice but just an empathetic, open ear. It is agonisingly hurtful to be told that ‘you need to get over it’ or that ‘you need to prepare yourself that JBB might be your only child’ and that it ‘wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world’.

I didn’t ask to be put in this situation. I did not ask to have a physical deformity when I was born. I didn’t ask to be in pain nearly every day. I didn’t ask to not be able to respond to the IVF drugs. I didn’t ask for my eggs to be crap. I didn’t ask for any of these things but I haven’t hesitated in taking responsibility for it. I have picked myself up from every failed cycle. I have had operation after operation to see if I could improve my chances of having a family. I let nothing stop me in achieving my goal of having a child. I am proud that I was able to find a way that we could have our beautiful boy. I have relished joyously in every moment that he has been in our lives.

It makes me hate myself to whinge all the time and I think back to before IF and wonder – how different has this made me? How different has it made others toward me? Would I be happier or would I be less appreciative of what I have? Would I have more friends? Would JBB and I be in a mothers group? Would I be sweating more of the small stuff (uh oh, JBB has only 10 words in his vocabulary, shouldn’t he have 11?), would I have had a worry free pregnancy? Would I get invited to things again? Would I actually want to leave the house? Would we actually be in a house instead of a 2 bedroom unit? Would JourneyMan’s and my relationship be as strong?

I know that I would have been more involved in my friend’s children’s lives – as it is, I am in full shut down mode and have certainly decided the at for the next four weeks, I will only be seeing people out of absolute necessity. No work Christmas parties, no Christmas dinner with my girl friends, no more going to the market on Saturday with my Mum and sisters. I know that it is childish and weak but I am honestly done with any comments, regardless of how nice or ‘for my own good’ they are. Honestly, if anyone tells me to get over it or think positive or that it will all work out as it is meant to, I am fully going to freaking lose it.

I started spotting yesterday and panicked. Once again I thought that the whole thing was over, there was no chance of going in December. This also made me realise that all of the incidents beforehand that were pissing me off and making me angry was my old friend PMS. Then later on in the night, I remembered that the Melbourne FS said that there could be some breakthrough bleeding and that it would be okay, so I felt a bit better.

This morning I woke up and the cramps were way worse than normal, I took heaps of tablets to make sure I could get through the day (and thus felt guilty because I am putting extra chemicals in my body when I am trying to clear it all out for the cycle that might not exist **sigh**). Following the cramps came more spotting and more doubt about whether I would be able to go in December. If the spotting gets worse tomorrow, I am going to call my FS, I have been trawling Dr Google for solutions and want to run some by my FS (I will hear him rolling his eyes over the phone).
For the moment, I am hopeful but am sure the doubt will come back in 10 mins.

Two weeks until I find out whether the cycle is a go or not, another freaking 2WW.

Frick.

Bloody guilt.

I really hope that I get to do the cycle in December but I have lost a lot of the desperation that I had earlier in the week.  I was forced to look at the worst that could happen (ie. Cycle cancelled and we have to delay for a couple of months) and had accepted it by the time I spoke to my Melbourne Fertility Specialist.    There are many reasons that I hope that I can get to do the cycle in December and most of them are the usual, to give our delightful JBB a sibling, to get it over and done with, to get me closer to having a resolution of the cramp issue, to be done with IF once and for but there is a totally, selfish reason that I want to go in December and I hope that you won’t judge me because I already feel guilty about it.
 
I will miss JBB, JourneyMan and JourneyDog who is Woolly hugely while I am away – that goes without saying but I tell you, I am actually looking forward to having a break. I am absolutely exhausted at the moment, at any chance, I fall asleep on the couch or basically wherever and I have never been one for doing that. I have travelled many times before on my own and I am comfortable with it but it will be very strange to be without my boys especially over new years.

But I feel guilty, very guilty for wanting this break and it is hard not to think that I am being a selfish cow for wanting to sleep in. That is my main need really, sleep. I feel a lot that the people in my life really don't really realize how much of a toll a cycle takes, mentally, physically, emotionally and financially. Most days I am in constant pain, which in itself is exhausting but add in all of the things that I do for a cycle, then add in the financial pressure, the hormones coursing through my body, the constant worry about whether it will be successful or not, the effort it takes to try to be the best mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend going around, to do my job sstisfactorially and generally not more that 6-7 hours of good quality sleep per night and you have a recipe of one tired woman.

I know that this describes most mothers out there, we all have too much on our plate and not enough hours to achieve it.

The thought of sleeping in for the time that I will be away is very seductive. I may even be able to have a disco nap by the pool. I am trying to be kinder to myself but honestly, am I the worst mother / wife in the world to be looking forward to all of that beautiful sleep?

Good news, bad news (Welcome ICLW!!)

Firstly, welcome to ICLWers – I am very pleased that you have stopped by! As a quick recap on my story. My husband and I met 6 years ago and were married in 2007. We knew from the outset that we would need intervention to have children as he had had a vasectomy. What we didn’t know was that I have a congenital deformity, unicornuate uterus (in essence there are two and they are non-communicating) as well as only one kidney. I also have a blood clotting disorder call factor V leiden and as we also found out, am a poor responder to IVF stim drugs. We had 5 failed fresh cycles of IVF until we decided to ditch my eggs and go to Thailand to have a donor cycle with a Thai woman’s eggs (we love her!!). Thankfully our first donor cycle was a great success and we have a beautiful 15month old boy thanks to the Thailand 1 cycle. In October this year we went to Thailand again (Thailand 2) to see if we could get a sister or a brother for our darling boy (using the same donor) but the cycle was negative BUT we did get 5 gorgeous frozen embryo’s so the intention is for me to go back to Thailand in late December to try a FET (Thailand 2.1) and that is where the drama is right now!!!

Okay, so yesterday I left you in despair. My period had not come, I was waiting for the Thailand doctor to get back to me with a course of action and I had basically started to accept that our Thailand 2.1 cycle was just not going to happen in late December. I finally heard back from the clinic and basically all it said was ‘that sounds strange, please see your local doctor’. I called my Melbourne Fertility Specialist and his secretary said that he would call me back after he had finished consulting for the day. Sure enough, he called me back and I filled him in on the situation. He basically (not in these words) told me that I was carrying on about nothing and that sometimes a period doesn’t come when you are on the pill because apparently the lining can be so thin, there is nothing to shed – okay. He said that I should start back on the BCP and continue with the schedule. He said that I needed a different kind of pill so that it would build up the lining so that it would shed next time. He asked all about the protocol that I was doing and I told him and then he said that to be 100% sure I could book in to see him before I am due to start the Progynova and he can check my lining to make sure everything is okay.

He was soooooo reassuring that he even said to me that I most likely wouldn’t need to come and see him, I could just trust that everything would be okay. I said ‘please, of course, I am going to come and see you, how long have you known me for – I need to be as sure as possible!!’. So I am feeling much better today. Despite the fact that the cycle could still be cancelled on the 14th December when I go to see him, I will be confident that it is going to be cancelled for a very valid reason and that the cycle will probably not have worked anyway. However, if he does give the go ahead, I will go to Thailand more confident than I have ever had before. Both times previously, I had no monitoring in Melbourne so it was always a ‘suck it and see’ situation when we first got to the clinic.

Whilst the news is not all good – I mean how can ‘wait and see’ be classed as good news, waiting is never freaking good news in my book - I feel very confident now that we have a workable plan. I am calmed by the fact that my Melbourne Fertility Specialist has now entered the fray because now I can have some certainty that everything is going well before I even get on the plan (if I get to!!).

So, I am back hoping that December is going to be Thailand 2.1 but I am also in the frame of mind that if it gets cancelled in mid-December, there will be a damn good reason.

Going through the past few weeks has made me realise how lucky I am. I have honestly, the best Fertility Specialist in Melbourne (perhaps the world), I have an amazing support group around me, JourneyMan is my rock and refused to panic despite me being in a flap for the past 3 days, my bestie listens to the crap that I spew out ad nauseam and my family all offered to help babysit in shifts if we need to delay the cycle and JourneyMan had to go back to work.

Of course, lastly but not least, I have all of my friends out there in blogland – thank you to all of you who have commented and offered words of support over the past few weeks (old friends and new!!), each and everyone has helped in their own little way.

So, on we go…….

My two most hated things….

Firstly, thanks very much to Summer and Sue for your comments – they have been a balm over the past 24 hours.

I have never been a patient person. I am more the ‘bull at a gate’ variety. I like to make things happen. My Mum and Dad often tell a story of when I was around 6 years old when we were on holiday. We were on a jetty and my older brother (who would have been about 9) and sister (who would have been about 11) were debating between them about whether to jump off into the river (Mum and Dad were there supervising and were all competent swimmers). Whilst they were trying to talk each other into jumping in, I took a run up and jumped in and had a ball swimming around – no-one could believe it. Not much has changed, I like to jump in.

There are consequences of being the ‘jump in’ type person and that is that mistakes are often made. Mistakes I am okay with though because usually I learn a lot and move on.

I know that I am responsible for my life and I am happy to take responsibility for it but what drives me insane more than anything else is waiting. Coming a close second however, is feeling completely out of control of my own destiny.

4 long years of IF has not taught me patience nor to deal with the feeling of being out of control though I have usually found ways to cope which is distraction, distraction, distraction. I research constantly, I try every natural remedy under the sun (I have been eating clay but that is whole other post), I count absolutely everything, then count it again and then recount it, I write this blog, I think about things constantly and then make calculations in my head, I create spreadsheets and lists and schedules, then change them and change them again.

At the moment, I am in a hell of my own body’s making. The period is determinedly staying away and no matter how many times I calculate the numbers in my head, nothing adds up to a transfer on January 1st, 2012. I have sent another email to the clinic to see what they think about the situation and what will now have to be done but they are 4 hours behind so I am waiting and I really, truly, honestly, do not know what the hell is going to happen. Of course the most likely cause of action is delay but then I think – what about if my cycle is delayed again next time? What if they factor in the delay and then it comes on time and here is my favourite thought, what if there is something seriously wrong?

I know that most people will go ‘big deal, so there is a delay?’ Yeah, I know that it is not such a big deal but I will have to change my flights and accommodation and we will have to sort out care for JBB since it will likely be when JourneyMan has gone back to work. On top of that I will have to then continue all of my therapies for longer (which is bloody exhausting) and even more so, the longer it takes for me to get pregnant, the longer I have to live with the pain of these cramps day after day (very selfish I know but the pain is absolutely exhausting).

So, here I am, sitting and waiting and unable to control my own destiny.

IF sucks balls.

Cycle SOS

I am totally freaking out.

As you know from my previous post, I am on a schedule for a FET on New Years Day. I am finished round 1 of the birth control pill last Sunday the 13th and my period was supposed to come 4 days later, which was Thursday - it is now Sunday and it is still not here. What the hell?!?! I have always been very regular, spot on a 28 day cycle and now things have gone completely awry. My last cycle in Thailand saw my period come 2 days later than normal but my lining was still pretty good by the time that we were over there. The biggest concern that I have is that this has not happened before, so what is the reason that it is happening now, that is a very scary thing to ask.

I feel in completely unchartered territory and I don't know at all what this means. I sent an email through to the doctor and he said that I should wait 1-2 days but not to start taking round two of the BCP until he let me know, he is going to do a new schedule for me.

I am hugely angry because of course my body is not doing what it is supposed to be doing and maybe I am doing something that it is causing it to go awry. I already feel like a huge failure because I was the one that let the team down on the last cycle, after all, JourneyMan's sample was obviously good, the donor gave a record number of eggs and we got 6 beautiful blastocycsts but of course the woman with the deformed body once again was not up to scratch.

I don't know how they are going to make the schedule fit in with the current timeframe for when I am in Thailand so of course that will mean that I will most likely have to cancel and re-book everything. It will also not likely fit in with our holiday leave which means I will need to take more time off and not get paid for it and JourneyMan will have to go back to work and we will need to find someone to babysit for JBB while I am away.

I suppose not a big deal but very selfishly, I would really, really like this to work and be over with, every day that it is delayed, I have to live with the pain of the cramps, which practically spoilt JourneyMan's and my date night last night - JBB stayed at my Mum and Dad'd for the night, on a night when I wanted to be able to catch up on a thousand lost hours sleep, I couldn't get to sleep until after 1am due to the pain.

The worst part of it is not knowing what will happen next, I bloody hate being in this position, it is so damn frustrating. I am really in limbo until my period comes and the doctor gets back to me with what to do. Sorry to dump all of this out there - I am very, very worried.

Does anyone know what happens in these situations when the period is late - is the FET just delayed or what? Any info would be gratefully accepted.
Does anyone have any idea of what happens normally in these situations=

Thailand 2.1

So, I am finally ready to talk about our upcoming FET cycle in Thailand. Firstly, let me just say that I have never done a FET before as we have never had anything for the freezer so that in itself is something new and different. In terms of protocol though, it is not much different that doing the fresh donor cycle except for the fact that I don’t have to be synched up with the donor.

It all happened in quite a rush because originally we were going away on Boxing Day (26th Dec) for our family holiday and we realised that it was going to be costing us about $3,000 for that holiday. When I did the sums of what it would cost for a FET in Thailand if only I went (we had already agreed that we didn’t really want to drag JBB over there for another time – he was pretty exhausted after we got back this time) and it came up at $5000 so it was a no brainer to cancel our holiday and organise the cycle for December (thank you IF for taking away our family holiday!).

The other convincing factor was that both JourneyMan and I already had time off work as well because our companies close down for a couple of weeks over Christmas. This meant that I wouldn’t have to take another week off work down the track (which is good because I am a contractor and don’t get paid for any leave) and that JourneyMan would be home to look after JBB for the whole time that I am away (if I was to go in March as we had previously planned, we would have needed some babysitting help so this works out much better).

All of these decisions were really made within the weekend after we got back from Thailand and then also found out that my sister was pregnant. I think people suspected that we were doing it so quickly because of her news but it really had nothing to do with it, it was really the perfect timing.

So, that being said – I have booked my flights and accommodation. I am staying a little closer to the clinic this time as the hotel was a little cheaper and I am flying out on 27 December at 12:30am and I get in to Bangkok at 5:40am. I will go to the clinic that morning for blood tests and scans. Here is my timetable:

24 October – start taking the birth control pill (and Clexane of course)
13 November – stop taking the BCP
17 November – AF due (yes today and of course not turned up – grrrf!!)
20 November – start taking BCP again (and Clexane)
10 December – stop taking BCP
14 December – AF due
15 December – Start taking progynova 3 x per day
27 December – Blood test and scan / start Crinone
1 January – Transfer
3 January – Fly home
11 January – Pregnancy test

It has been very strange to start preparations for this cycle when I wasn’t really over the last failed one. I have gotten there now though and my daily schedule of all my different preparations have been going very well.

I now feel in a pretty good place about this cycle – I feel like I am doing my absolute best to make it successful. I really, really hope that it will be.

Not long to go now, only 42 days.

Cramps and such

Honestly, the past couple of weeks have been tough. The cramps are back and they are back with a vengeance. They never really went away, I think I was just managing them because I was hoping that the cycle in Thailand was going to be successful and so I would have an end date on when I could get this fixed. It was so bad a couple of weeks ago, I almost went to emergency at the hospital. Basically, I am getting the bad ‘period’ type pains 3 weeks out of every month now – it is bloody hard to take, I tell you.

Unfortunately there is nothing that I can really do about them – as my fertility specialist has said, once I am done having kids, he then would recommend that I have a hysterectomy. This seems like a pretty big deal and at times when the cramps aren’t that bad, I wonder if it is worthwhile taking such a drastic step. However, the pain over the past couple of weeks has been convincing me otherwise. It is absolutely exhausting to be dealing with this pain constantly and despite my never ending search to find natural remedies that will help it, I have not found anything as yet.

It was definitely one of the reasons that I was so disappointed about the cycle failing – it leaves me once again with cramps for an indefinite amount of time.

It has been an interesting few weeks. We went away for a weekend with my family and it was a pretty nice time – we stayed on the Gippsland coast of Victoria and the place that we stayed at was amazing. JBB especially had a wonderful time with his cousins and all of the space that he had to explore.

It is interesting how easily it is to fall back into the IF mindset. I, once again, felt like I was behind a glass wall. I am reluctant to talk to most people (JourneyMan and my bestie being the exceptions of course) about going to Thailand again in December – I can’t help but think that I would prefer people didn’t know if I failed again. I am of course obsessed with the trip on the inside but for the most part, I am keeping to myself and not announcing it to the world like I did last time.

In other news, JourneyMan and I are doing a 5 day sugar detox – we are on day 2 and boy, it is pretty tough – I am absolutely exhausted though I don’t know if the exhaustion is related to the cramping, detox, raising a full on 14 month old toddler, working and planning another trip – perhaps all of them.

Pre-Cycle Regime

This is mainly for Sue as I have been promising it to her for ages (sorry it’s taken so long!!) but I thought I would document it as others may find it useful!! This is what I do in preparation for each cycle (and of course, I loves me a bulleted lists so that is how it is going to roll!!):

Eating (please note that the below eating plan is what I aspire to every day, some days I get there, some days I don’t, some days I spectacularly don’t):

• At least 5 serves of vegetables and 2 serves of fruit per day – organic if possible, if not, rinse thoroughly. I actually find that I usually have more than this (as I shred up lots of different vegies and put them into casseroles & soups) and also have a smoothie for breakfast each day). I like to make sure that I pick a variety of different coloured vegies for maximum vitamins & minerals
• For breakky, I make a smoothie that has a couple of fruits in it plus I put in a probiotic, extra fibre, full fat organic yoghurt and some ground nuts (for protein) – sometimes I will chuck in some finely ground oats to make it more filling.
• 1-2 serves of lean red meat per week – organic where possible.
• 1-2 serves of fish per week – though going for the low mercury type fish, like salmon and canned tune etc. However, I will sometimes indulge in a yummy piece of flake
• Always go for whole grain carbs: brown rice, wholegrain bread etc
• I try to stay away from the sweet things and saturated fats but sometimes I will heed their call (too often of late but I am trying to reel myself in)

Exercise (once again, this is aspirational, I have not been going very well with this of late but I am working on it):

• Cardio – 30-60 mins of cardio per day, I try to walk but I think I am going to start the coolrunnings couch to 5K running plan before I go in December.
• Yoga - http://www.yoga4fertility.com/yoga4fertility/poses.html - I try to do these poses each day – morning and night would be good but it is dependent on time of course
• Strength – 3 times per week of body strengthening – I used to have a gym program but I think that Journeyman and I are going to put our own ‘at home’ program together.

Household / Personal care:

• I don’t use harsh cleaners – buy natural or even put together your own cleaning products – this site is a good resource: http://www.back-to-basics-cleaning.com/
• Have a fertility oil blend burning – I use: Lavender, Sweet Fennel, & Clary Sage (I also with put some of this in the bath)
• Put some indoor plants around your house (not in your bedroom) – this is to naturally filter the air in your house – some good ones are: Bamboo Palm, Peace Lily & Lady Palm
• I only use a tea tree oil based deodorant – it by a company called Thursday Plantation and they specialise in all things tea tree.


Additional therapies:

• Weekly acupuncture – I go to a woman who specialises in fertility and complimenting IF treatments
• Twice daily chinese herbs – these are in powdered variety (or ass herbs as Elphaba calls them)
• Skin brushing daily – this is to allow the toxins to be excreted from your skin with ease (it also makes your skin feel really nice!)
• Weekly Epsom salt bath (helps to encourage detoxification)
• Weekly bentonite clay bath (helps to draw heavy metals and other toxic substances from your body) – this is something that I am starting for this cycle
• 3-4 times per week castor oil packs (great to increase circulation to the uterus as well as aid in detoxification)
• Fertility tea – My mix is made up of: Red clover (rich in B vitamins, calcium and protein and help detoxify the blood), Raspberry Leaf Tea (contains vitamins C and E, calcium and iron and helps to tone the muscles of the uterus), Stinging Nettles (has high levels of chlorophyll and many vitamins and minerals – it also strengthens the kidneys) and peppermint tea – mainly for the flavour!! I bring this overnight and drink about 1 litre of this per day.
• Crytals – I have a few crystals for fertility, my main ones being: Shiva Linghams, Moonstone, Rose quartz and Rhodonite
• Subliminal / hypnosis / visualisation – I was using another brand on the last couple of cycles and now I am giving Circle + Bloom a go each night as I fall asleep
• Every second night – foot detox pad – these have chinese herbs in them and they are a gentle detox for the body
• Mind map – I have a collage that I made years ago (that I have stuck up in the toilet so that I see it every day) of thing that I want in my life. Some of the baby related pics I have are: a pic of a pregnant belly, a foetus, a nursery, a baby. It is good to always see what I am aiming for.
• Naturopathy herbs – this is something new that I am adding and I am waiting for them to come in the mail so I don’t really know what is entailed in this yet


Supplements:

• Pregnancy / prenatal vitamin
• Fish oil
• Calcium
• Vitamin D
• Vitamin E
• Evening Primrose oil
• Vitamin C
• Vitex / Chasteberry
• Magnesium (though I take this more for cramps)
• CoQ10
• Dong Quai
• Ginseng
• B Complex
• Beta carotene

So this is pretty much it - sometimes I find something else and put it in or I will drop something off (the castor oil pack I think is very beneficial but it is a serious pain in my very large behind!!).

I hope I haven't bored you too much! Looking at it, it makes me realise why I don't have much time on my hands.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't...

I firstly want to say a big thank you to all of you who have posted such beautiful and kind comments, they have been a lifeline to me in at the past week.

As you can see from the ticker, we are go for Thailand 2.1 but I have one more post looking back before I can look forward.

It has been an interesting few days. I went back to work and so we have gone straight back into the busy, busy, busy mode.

I have had some pretty stressful days, it seems I have not gotten over the failed cycle quick enough and apparently, I am also not happy enough for my sister. It is quite strange to me that I have spent years and years drinking and eating my feelings and now that I want to confront them and move on from them, some people seem unwilling to acknowledge that I have any right to feel bad. I mean, I don't want to wallow in misery for weeks on end, I'm not like that, I will pick myself up and go on but I learnt something from the first 5 failed cycles. You move on without dealing with the emotion and it will definitely catch up with you, it caught up with me after JBB had been born. I hadn't released the grief from those cycles and it came back to bite me.

I had wanted to take my time in dealing with the grief as well as the jealously and envy that I feel for my sister so that I would be ready emotionally for Thailand 2.1 as well I didn't want to see my sister until I could only bring joy to the table. This is for both our sakes, I don't want to dump all of my IF blues on her, it is such a happy event for her, I really don't want to be the black cloud. Whilst I am very envious of how easy it was for her to get pregnant, I don't want her to feel bad. She is super lucky she doesn't have to come into our IF world and honestly, I am happy to spare her the horrible details of what it is really like. I also don't want to get emotional and say something that will hurt her as I wouldn't be able to live with myself. We also have a pretty tumultuous relationship, she once didn't talk to me for 6 months because of something she thought I had said (it was my older sister who had said it). I really would be upset if I said something to her that upset her and then I didn't get to share her pregnancy and the new little baby because she didn't want to talk to me anymore.

It actually would really be nice to only bring joy to the table, I also deserve that, I absolutely wish that hearing a pregnancy announcement wouldn't cause mixed emotions, I 100% wish I only ever felt joy and happiness for whoever it is - I hope that someday, I will have that. The IF journey takes so much from us and I find it very hard to articulate to people just how much. I mean, we have just cancelled our family holiday for the year at Christmas so that I can go back for a FET, half my days are spent having vitamins, going to appointments, doing castor oil packs, skin brushing, detoxing, rubbing my fertility crystals, listening to my subliminals, doing hypnosis sessions, yoga - you name it, I try and do it. Even on our last trip / cycle, I was obsessed about whether it worked or not plus we also spent 3 days at the clinic and I had 2 days on bed rest - it is not your normal holiday. Most of all, I feel like I am behind the IF glass wall. It is so isolating. People don't understand or they only want the good news stories, they don't want to hear about the obsession or those icky jealously and envy feelings. Gosh and if you bring bitterness to the table, the main response is 'you should be thankful you have JBB' or 'other people have it way worse than you', 'you need to just get over it'.

Seriously, I know that I am lucky - I have said it enough times on here. I am grateful everyday for JourneyMan, JBB and JourneyDog. I have the best best friend in the world. I have a great family and heaps of fabulous friends. I am damn lucky but seriously that doesn't mean that I am not allowed to feel sorry for myself occasionally. It doesn't usually last long but damn it, I am allowed to feel shit. isn't it better that I acknowledge that I am jealous of my sister and envious of how easy it was for her to get pregnant and move on from that feeling rather than shove it down and have to deal with it worse at some later date?

I have found so many people (not all - JourneyMan and my Bestie being the most notable and fabulous exceptions) want to invalidate any emotions that I have. I understand why, they are pretty icky ones - grief, sadness, envy, jealously, bitterness, isolation - people who love me don't want to see me having those emotions and they think that the best way out of them is through 'positive thinking'. ie 'only having JBB wouldn't be the worst thing in the world' being a classic or 'there are people who have had worse things happen to them than what you have had', All these invalidating statements do is make me feel that I am wrong for feeling (insert yucky emotion here) that particular way. Thankfully, JourneyMan and my Bestie have validated the hell out of these horrible emotions (being able to express myself here helps a bazillion times as well!!) and I feel I am getting over the hump. I don't think I was in the best frame of mind for this past cycle but I am determined to be for Thailand 2.1.

I read a post by someone and I am terribly sorry that I cannot remember who it was because I would post a link to it here but they talked about how people only really want the 'happy ending' stories. This was in regard to the poster dealing with multiple miscarriages and honestly, I think that it is absolutely spot on. I have spent so much of my life running from my emotions (usually drinking them away or eating them away) and I have always been pretty hard on myself for doing so but this week, I realized that I am not alone. I wanted to confront the yucky emotions and some of my friends and family wanted to run as far away from them as possible. I honestly don't blame them who in their right mind wants to deal with this shit. What this week has taught me is that in previous failed cycles, I isolated myself and didn't really talk about what had happened, this time I tried a different tack and it showed me who in my support group can cope with it (JourneyMan, the Bestie and my sisters in blogland). This is a great lesson to learn as I now know who has the stomach for the ickiness and I am one lucky 'b' to have all of you. I heart JourneyMan. I heart the Bestie. I heart by bloggy sisters. Thank you all for getting me over the hump - I appreciate it more than you will ever know!!

Anger and Bitterness

I went to the market with my Mum and sisters yesterday, as we do every Saturday. My older sister has been married for nearly 20 years and has three gorgeous boys and my younger sister has had a hard road to find love and now it seems she finally has. She moved in with her boyfriend about a month ago and we have been eagerly awaiting an engagement announcement. We always go for breakfast after we have bought all of our food for the week at while we were waiting for our breakfast, I noticed that my younger sister had a new iphone. I asked her if I could have look at it and I was scrolling through her Apps, I saw that she had 'what to expect when your expecting' on there. In shock, I asked, 'are you pregnant?'. She stuttered a 'no' and then went on to say that she had downloaded it because they were thinking about starting to try. My mum didn't say anything (which made realize that she already knew), my older sister demanded 'have you got news?' to which my younger sister replied again that they were just thinking about trying. My mind was reeling and I looked at the app and saw that it was on 7 weeks so knew that she was definitely pregnant.

I couldn't really talk much for the rest of the breakfast and when I got in the car with my mum to go home, I said to her 'she's pregnant right?'. My mum just nodded. She said to me that she hadn't been sleeping because she didn't know how they were going to tell me so close to finding out about the cycle failing, this made me really angry because it was like 'don't upset the poor infertile'. I was determined not to cry in front of my Mum, I didn't want word to get back to my sister that I was crying about it. I said to my mum 'let me first say that I am absolutely over the moon for LS (little sis) but that I really needed time to grieve. She said she understood but then went on to tell me that LS was having a hard time because she was spotting yesterday and had to go to the doctor. Honestly, I couldn't even think about that or talk about it -it was too soon. I said to my mum that I couldn't talk about it yet, I said that I would be there for her and help and support her as much as I could but I needed some time. We didn't talk that much on the way home after that.

I am angry. I'm angry because infertility has taken so much away from me. It makes me so angry that I couldn't just feel complete and utter joy for my sister, which she absolutely deserves. What I felt was joy for her but sadness for me and then of course guilt that I couldn't be only deliriously happy for her. I felt angry that people have to talk about how to tell me. I felt angry that everyone feels sorry for me. I felt angry because I couldn't go to the family dinner last night because I couldn't face it just yet.

I feel bitter because apparently it was an 'accident' and I'm still wondering whether my cycle didn't work because I moved too quickly to the hospital bed after the transfer or all of the other millions of tiny things (see previous post). I feel bitter because of everything that I feel I have to do to even have a chance and LS has brought it sharply into focus that most people don't have to do that. I feel bitter because we are going to have to try to get the money together (and most likely sacrifice our Christmas family holiday) for me to go back to Thailand for a FET.

That being said, I am still one lucky beeatch. I have JourneyMan, who has been a tower of support and understanding and honestly, his willingness to accept what we have to go through is amazing - he is one special husband and father. Of course, I have JBB and even though I am feeling angry and bitter, I look at his sweet face and thank god that he came into our lives - he has changed me in every way, all for the better. The other person that I have to mention is my bestie. We have been friends since we were in grade 2 and honestly, she is one of the best people that I know. Her path has not been to have a relationship and she doesn't even want kids but she (out of all of my friends and family) provides the most understanding and compassion. She has never said 'you need to get over it' or that I should just be grateful to have JBB. She has never said any of things that drive us infertiles mad. I asked her about it yesterday and she said 'apart from the fact that I am ace (she is!!), your my best friend and whatever you want, I want for you and I will be here to try to help you get whatever that is'. She is one special person and the only other person IRL that reads this blog. Love you bestie.

So that brings me to what's next. I am going to go back to Thailand by myself, probably in around the last week of December or the first week of January. Originally we were thinking later but it actually works out better with work and a whole bunch of things to do it at this time. So at this point, I am just waiting for the clinic to get back to me with a timeline and we will start from there. Of course all of the natural fertility palava will start again from tomorrow (I gave myself the weekend to go wild but will be back on the horse in a big way. Want to come with me for Thailand 2.1?

A Cycle Lament

Why didn't I stay on bed rest for longer?
Why did I book the flight to Koh Samui within 48 hours of the transfer?
Why did I stuff up the Chinese herbs I was supposed to be taking?
Why didn't I take in my Grandnanna's Rosary beads in to the transfer?
Why did I eat junk food?
Why didn't I do a cleanse before we left?
Why did I not train my body so I felt healthier and better about myself?
Why didn't I make a concerted effort to lose weight?
Why did I forget to bring the acupuncture intradermals with me?
Why didn't I drink more water?
Why did I confidently think that this cycle would just be successful?
Why didn't I speak up when the catheter was hurting me in the transfer?
Why did I move so quickly from the stirrups to the hospital bed?
Why didn't I get the indoor plants to purify the air in our house?
Why did I let my doctor influence me into not having Val.ium for the transfer?
Why didn't I try to spend more time relaing?
Why did I go to a different masseuse for a treatment before the transfer?
Why didn't my body create a hospitable environment for a class A embryo to implant?
Why did I tempt fate and name the baby?
Why do I blame myself when things go wrong?
Why did I tell every man and his uncle what we were doing?
Why do I feel like I have let everyone down?
Why is it so hard to face the world?
Why does the glass wall come back so quickly?
Why does infertility take so much from us?
Why does it hurt like knives in my heart?
Why
Why
Why...

9dp5dt - We're Home - It's Negative

The posting got slack by the end because I think I have known deep down that this cycle had not worked and this morning, there was confirmation on a FRER with FMU - negative. I am completely numb, I just don't even know what to think. Why didn't this work? I can only blame myself, the main reason beings:

* I didn't lose weight in the lead up to the cycle
* I accidentally took the herbs incorrectly
* I booked the flight to Koh Samui one day earlier than I should have
* I believed it would work because it did last time and I was slacker on the complimentary therapies

I'm sure I can think of many more but those are the main ones.

I don't think that you ever forget how bad a negative cycle is but I think I got so cocky expecting it to be postive that I feel slapped down, very, very hard. I am bracing myself for it but if anyone says to me 'well at least you have JBB' I am going to vomit on them. I have been invited to a lot of things over the next few days - I just don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone about it. I don't even want to talk about our trip, I don't even want to think about the trip anymore and now everyone will want to talk about what we did etc.

For the record, I know that I am lucky to have JBB, I look at him every day and am thankful but this doesn't mean that I can't be upset over this cycle failing.

It is poor JourneyMan's birthday today - I was hoping that he would have a beautiful precious gift but no, instead he gets another freaking cycle failure and and upset and bitter wife, he deserves better.

Sorry for the terrible, self pitying post - I am really beyond words right now.

4DP5DT - Captain Obvious!

This news just in - the 2WW wait is bloody tough. Yeah, thanks for the news, Captain Obvious, realising that the 2WW is a complete nightmare is completely news worthy - there certainly are not thousands of people who suffer through this time every month!! I guess I think that I am in a beautiful tropical paradise with my family and that it would make the time go easier. Well, sure it actually makes the time feel easier however, it was only 4 days ago that I had the transfer - seriously, it feels like 4 weeks!!

I have been doing the things that all good 2WWer's do. I am googling like mad, I am interrogating the smallest symptom, I am constantly calculating in my head when I can POAS (in actual fact, I already have - to make sure that the HCG injection was gone - it is). I am obsessed, I am confident one minute and in the doldrums the next - where could I be but a 2WW.

In symptom news, the cramping has eased though my back is aching something terrible - mostly I think because my back needs my own bed plus a hot water bottle (no chance of finding one of those here!!) on hand at all times. The biggest pregnancy related symptom that I have would have to be bloating - honestly, I look like I am already 6 months pregnant. I have had no dizzy spells like I did last time though I am having trouble sleeping which I definitely had last time.

And so we wait and wait and wait some more.

In case you were wondering why I don't post pics of where we have been staying etc - it is because I am a horrible photographer and cannot take a good photo to save my life.

2DP5DT - Hello Koh Samui

We had a pretty stressful pre-flight. We queued up and then they told us to go and get JBB a ticket, then we went back and they told me that my name needed to be changed at the ticket counter because it was spelled wrong, so I traipsed back to the ticket counter and then back to the check in counter. JourneyMan took JBB to find a locker because we knew we would be over the baggage limit so we were storing some stuff until our flight home. I finally caught up with them at the other end of a very massive airport and we left our bag and then started to make our way to the gate. Unfortunately, it was up the other end of the airport and by this time, JBB was not happy Jan!!! (Australian reference, apologies to everyone else) The poor thing had only had about 20mins of his morning sleep in the car to the airport so he was seriously tired and cracking it.

The walk to the gate was absolutely crazy - I am sure that it was about 2km's away from where we began and we were rushing because the flight was already boarding. We finally got to the gate and of course, it wasn't boarding at all!! There were no baby change facilities in the toilets so poor JBB got a quick bum change on JourneyMan's knee and we were on the flight. We were dreading the flight because JBB was so tired but thankfully it was only an hour so we managed to keep him amused for the hour without too much protest.

Once we got to Koh Samui though, things changed for the way better!! Basically, we are in paradise. Our hotel is gorgeous, very quiet and funky (it has a red pool!). The weather was absolutely beautiful - sunny with high, white fluffy clouds. I always forget how gorgeously crystal blue and warm the water is!! We had lunch at the restaurant - on a deck overlooking the ocean, honestly, could it get any better? Then we took JBB for a swim in the ocean - he was not sure about it at first but then he came around. We then went into the pool and stayed in for ages. It was sooooo much fun and now it really feels like a holiday!

On the cycle side of things, it has been cramps a go go. I know that I had cramps on the last Thailand go but since the birth of JBB, cramps have been a hugely regular part of my life - unfortunately, so I don't really know what these ones mean, if anything.

Hopefully the sun will still be shining tomorrow and we can enjoy the beauty of our beloved Koh Samui.

1DP5DT - Goodbye Bangkok

Tonight is our last night in Bangkok and tomorrow we are flying to the gorgeous island of Koh Samui. We have been there a couple of times and it is beautiful. I checked the weather and it looks to be better than Bangkok. Speaking of Bangkok, there are the biggest floods of the last 50 years here at the moment, many people have been evacuated from their houses. Our poor patient coordinator is sleeping in her car in the clinic car park it is pretty bad. The centre of Bangers is protected by a flood wall that they believe is going to hold up but if it keeps on raining like it has been, who knows what will happen.

Tomorrow we will be at the beach - JBB has been to the beach before but not that he would remember as he was only 4 months old at the time - I am excited to see how he will respond. The flight is only an hour so hopefully that won't be too bad for little JBB - I tell you, I am already dreading the flight home. It is over night though so I am hoping he will sleep the majority of it - that is a worry for another day now.

This first day post transfer has been pretty boring. I have been mainly just resting, though I did go down to the pool to see JBB and JourneyMan having a swim. This was about half an hour before the torrential rain started which was pretty good timing. Then JourneyMan took JBB to the indoor park to run some of the energy off him. It will be nice to get to Koh Samui - it is more of a villagey type feel rather than a big city so that will be nice. We have shops and restaurants on our doorstep so it is a pretty easy existence. We are also a few steps to the beach which will be lovely.

I am glad to be leaving Bangkok, I always love coming here but we have been here for awhile and it's time to go.

Symptom wise, I have had a dull ache on the lower left hand abdomen which I am hoping is a little emby implanting - could also be my imagination, we will see. Test day is set for 21 October.

Catch in Koh Samui!!