I have never been a patient person. I am more the ‘bull at a gate’ variety. I like to make things happen. My Mum and Dad often tell a story of when I was around 6 years old when we were on holiday. We were on a jetty and my older brother (who would have been about 9) and sister (who would have been about 11) were debating between them about whether to jump off into the river (Mum and Dad were there supervising and were all competent swimmers). Whilst they were trying to talk each other into jumping in, I took a run up and jumped in and had a ball swimming around – no-one could believe it. Not much has changed, I like to jump in.
There are consequences of being the ‘jump in’ type person and that is that mistakes are often made. Mistakes I am okay with though because usually I learn a lot and move on.
I know that I am responsible for my life and I am happy to take responsibility for it but what drives me insane more than anything else is waiting. Coming a close second however, is feeling completely out of control of my own destiny.
4 long years of IF has not taught me patience nor to deal with the feeling of being out of control though I have usually found ways to cope which is distraction, distraction, distraction. I research constantly, I try every natural remedy under the sun (I have been eating clay but that is whole other post), I count absolutely everything, then count it again and then recount it, I write this blog, I think about things constantly and then make calculations in my head, I create spreadsheets and lists and schedules, then change them and change them again.
At the moment, I am in a hell of my own body’s making. The period is determinedly staying away and no matter how many times I calculate the numbers in my head, nothing adds up to a transfer on January 1st, 2012. I have sent another email to the clinic to see what they think about the situation and what will now have to be done but they are 4 hours behind so I am waiting and I really, truly, honestly, do not know what the hell is going to happen. Of course the most likely cause of action is delay but then I think – what about if my cycle is delayed again next time? What if they factor in the delay and then it comes on time and here is my favourite thought, what if there is something seriously wrong?
I know that most people will go ‘big deal, so there is a delay?’ Yeah, I know that it is not such a big deal but I will have to change my flights and accommodation and we will have to sort out care for JBB since it will likely be when JourneyMan has gone back to work. On top of that I will have to then continue all of my therapies for longer (which is bloody exhausting) and even more so, the longer it takes for me to get pregnant, the longer I have to live with the pain of these cramps day after day (very selfish I know but the pain is absolutely exhausting).
So, here I am, sitting and waiting and unable to control my own destiny.
IF sucks balls.