Firstly, thanks very much to Summer and Sue for your comments – they have been a balm over the past 24 hours.
I have never been a patient person. I am more the ‘bull at a gate’ variety. I like to make things happen. My Mum and Dad often tell a story of when I was around 6 years old when we were on holiday. We were on a jetty and my older brother (who would have been about 9) and sister (who would have been about 11) were debating between them about whether to jump off into the river (Mum and Dad were there supervising and were all competent swimmers). Whilst they were trying to talk each other into jumping in, I took a run up and jumped in and had a ball swimming around – no-one could believe it. Not much has changed, I like to jump in.
There are consequences of being the ‘jump in’ type person and that is that mistakes are often made. Mistakes I am okay with though because usually I learn a lot and move on.
I know that I am responsible for my life and I am happy to take responsibility for it but what drives me insane more than anything else is waiting. Coming a close second however, is feeling completely out of control of my own destiny.
4 long years of IF has not taught me patience nor to deal with the feeling of being out of control though I have usually found ways to cope which is distraction, distraction, distraction. I research constantly, I try every natural remedy under the sun (I have been eating clay but that is whole other post), I count absolutely everything, then count it again and then recount it, I write this blog, I think about things constantly and then make calculations in my head, I create spreadsheets and lists and schedules, then change them and change them again.
At the moment, I am in a hell of my own body’s making. The period is determinedly staying away and no matter how many times I calculate the numbers in my head, nothing adds up to a transfer on January 1st, 2012. I have sent another email to the clinic to see what they think about the situation and what will now have to be done but they are 4 hours behind so I am waiting and I really, truly, honestly, do not know what the hell is going to happen. Of course the most likely cause of action is delay but then I think – what about if my cycle is delayed again next time? What if they factor in the delay and then it comes on time and here is my favourite thought, what if there is something seriously wrong?
I know that most people will go ‘big deal, so there is a delay?’ Yeah, I know that it is not such a big deal but I will have to change my flights and accommodation and we will have to sort out care for JBB since it will likely be when JourneyMan has gone back to work. On top of that I will have to then continue all of my therapies for longer (which is bloody exhausting) and even more so, the longer it takes for me to get pregnant, the longer I have to live with the pain of these cramps day after day (very selfish I know but the pain is absolutely exhausting).
So, here I am, sitting and waiting and unable to control my own destiny.
IF sucks balls.
I have never been a patient person. I am more the ‘bull at a gate’ variety. I like to make things happen. My Mum and Dad often tell a story of when I was around 6 years old when we were on holiday. We were on a jetty and my older brother (who would have been about 9) and sister (who would have been about 11) were debating between them about whether to jump off into the river (Mum and Dad were there supervising and were all competent swimmers). Whilst they were trying to talk each other into jumping in, I took a run up and jumped in and had a ball swimming around – no-one could believe it. Not much has changed, I like to jump in.
There are consequences of being the ‘jump in’ type person and that is that mistakes are often made. Mistakes I am okay with though because usually I learn a lot and move on.
I know that I am responsible for my life and I am happy to take responsibility for it but what drives me insane more than anything else is waiting. Coming a close second however, is feeling completely out of control of my own destiny.
4 long years of IF has not taught me patience nor to deal with the feeling of being out of control though I have usually found ways to cope which is distraction, distraction, distraction. I research constantly, I try every natural remedy under the sun (I have been eating clay but that is whole other post), I count absolutely everything, then count it again and then recount it, I write this blog, I think about things constantly and then make calculations in my head, I create spreadsheets and lists and schedules, then change them and change them again.
At the moment, I am in a hell of my own body’s making. The period is determinedly staying away and no matter how many times I calculate the numbers in my head, nothing adds up to a transfer on January 1st, 2012. I have sent another email to the clinic to see what they think about the situation and what will now have to be done but they are 4 hours behind so I am waiting and I really, truly, honestly, do not know what the hell is going to happen. Of course the most likely cause of action is delay but then I think – what about if my cycle is delayed again next time? What if they factor in the delay and then it comes on time and here is my favourite thought, what if there is something seriously wrong?
I know that most people will go ‘big deal, so there is a delay?’ Yeah, I know that it is not such a big deal but I will have to change my flights and accommodation and we will have to sort out care for JBB since it will likely be when JourneyMan has gone back to work. On top of that I will have to then continue all of my therapies for longer (which is bloody exhausting) and even more so, the longer it takes for me to get pregnant, the longer I have to live with the pain of these cramps day after day (very selfish I know but the pain is absolutely exhausting).
So, here I am, sitting and waiting and unable to control my own destiny.
IF sucks balls.
Posts
Hi! I am so excited to have found your blog on ICLW. We are currently pregnant via donor eggs with two surrogates in India (one with twins and the other with a singleton). We feel so thankful to have found our doctor and the fact that she has given us an opportunity to build our family. I look forward to following your international journey! Best, Bernadette
ReplyDeleteSorry I didn't comment earlier. I really feel for you, my friend. I never got my period on time when doing IVF and had to rely on prometrium to kick start it just about every time.
ReplyDeleteI'm praying the clinic has answers and your body and the clinic and your mind all get on the same page quick!
Big hugs!!!
IF does suck balls and I'm so sorry that things haven't gone smoothly for you lately. I too drive myself crazy with what-ifs. I hope you get some answers soon.
ReplyDeleteYour last comment made me giggle, yes IF does suck balls!
ReplyDeleteWhat about your acupuncturist? They can generally pick the point which can bring on a period? I know that after my failed cycle, I sat and waited for my period, then I didn't know when my next natural period would be after the drugs. It finally came last week. Putting the stress of having already rebooked for December might just have pushed your body to it's limits. Wait to hear from the clinic and although it will be difficult, I say take the stress out, release it a little. It will be difficult but those embyros are yours and are not going anywhere. If you can manage it, postpone. Stop beating your self up, let your body heal from the last cycle, it will only put you in a better place mentally.
I know we wanted to go back to the US in Jan 2012 but then we realized we couldn't do it, it was to much pressure which is why we changed to the Easter break, that way we would have been home for 2 public holidays in that period anyway so less time off work. My hubby has his own business which means it has to shut while we are away but it was the right thing for us to do.
What ever you decide, I, we, will be here for you.
IF sucks balls. Truly could not have said anything better. I understand those delays. Those delays do nothing to make you feel better about anything. I hope you get the news you are looking for!
ReplyDelete"IF sucks balls".
ReplyDeleteTruer words have yet to be spoken.
ICLW#5
Ugh, waiting and delays stink, but seems to be the story of IF! Good luck! Here from ICLW -- just submitted my blog (hope not too late) as #118.
ReplyDelete