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Thursday, October 20, 2011

9dp5dt - We're Home - It's Negative

The posting got slack by the end because I think I have known deep down that this cycle had not worked and this morning, there was confirmation on a FRER with FMU - negative. I am completely numb, I just don't even know what to think. Why didn't this work? I can only blame myself, the main reason beings:

* I didn't lose weight in the lead up to the cycle
* I accidentally took the herbs incorrectly
* I booked the flight to Koh Samui one day earlier than I should have
* I believed it would work because it did last time and I was slacker on the complimentary therapies

I'm sure I can think of many more but those are the main ones.

I don't think that you ever forget how bad a negative cycle is but I think I got so cocky expecting it to be postive that I feel slapped down, very, very hard. I am bracing myself for it but if anyone says to me 'well at least you have JBB' I am going to vomit on them. I have been invited to a lot of things over the next few days - I just don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone about it. I don't even want to talk about our trip, I don't even want to think about the trip anymore and now everyone will want to talk about what we did etc.

For the record, I know that I am lucky to have JBB, I look at him every day and am thankful but this doesn't mean that I can't be upset over this cycle failing.

It is poor JourneyMan's birthday today - I was hoping that he would have a beautiful precious gift but no, instead he gets another freaking cycle failure and and upset and bitter wife, he deserves better.

Sorry for the terrible, self pitying post - I am really beyond words right now.


  1. Oh no, this is just terrible. I really feel for you. It was such a huge deal and you did so much to make it work. I know is hard not to beat yourself up, but it's hard to do things perfectly when you have a kid that you are taking care of 24 hours per day. I'm so sorry. I it's what you need, definitely stay home and avoid social situations.
    Maybe you could email everyone and tell them what happened and what not to say to you? So sorry, my friend:(
    Big hugs! Xxoxoxx

  2. {{{HUGS}}} So sorry that it did not work. :(

  3. I know it is hard to do, but try not to blame yourself.

    I'm am so, so sorry.

  4. By now I come to think of IVF as a malevolent leveler.

    IVF does not care if you are trying for your first or fifth baby. It does not care how thorough your preparations have been, or to what lengths you took to undertake a cycle.

    IVF has no regards for expectations, history, or hopes. In the end, it is all so random, yet in order to somehow explain events we feel a need to lay blame - usually with our own selves. Thing is, we can never know for sure, where a cycle went wrong or right. They just are.

    Anyone who reads your blog knows you love JBB. There is no need to explain that you are grateful for his existence. Nor is there any need to justify wanting to give him a sibling.

    Thing is, a negative result stings no matter how you look at it, no matter what your situation is...and that is okay. It is alright for you to express this huge disappointment...that's the whole point of these infertility blogs, isn't it?

    There is one very nice consolation though - one that you didn't have after your previous Thailand cycle....those lovely frozen bubsicles! In days to come, hopefully they will provide a little comfort?

    I am really sorry things have worked out this way, 'Lil Buckaroo and that it all has to coincide with Journey Man's birthday! Did I mention that IVF usually has lousy timing?

    LS x

  5. I know all to well how you are feeling about now, all I can say is 3 weeks since the bad news and I'm getting there and moving to the next plan. I understand that this didn't work, this time but remember the frozen Embies awaiting you.
    My heart goes out to you and journey man.

    If anyone says that you should settle for JBB, let me know and I will slap them into next week for you.

    Onwards and upwards babe and next plan please. You are a strong woman that still gives me inspiration

  6. Oh, my way of coping for the week was to send the short and bittersweet message and all stayed a respectful distance. Mine read:
    Do not ask
    I don't know why
    just need space for now.

    Short and sweet, seemed to work and was left alone for at least 6 days, then I could talk without crying when I opened my mouth.

  7. I'm so sorry! This whole process just sucks. Take care of yourself!

  8. I'm so sorry, I was so hopeful that you'd have a positive outcome. Thinking of you.

  9. I cannot stand the "at least you have" comments. Don't try to cheer me up. I already know how blessed I am to have what I have. Quit trying to diminish my pain and let me just really feel it for now. This sucks and it hurts. That's all there is to it. Yes, having one baby already helps, but this pain is so real. Its like saying "at least grandma is still alive" after grandpa dies. "Oh, because grandma is still around it means I should be happy? Forget about grandpa?" A loss is a loss is a loss.

    I wanted to slap any person who told me at least I already had my daughter because that is an ignorant and insensitive comment. I still want to slap anyone who tells me that. Do they really think we don't look at our babies and thank God every single second they are in our lives? Do they think we have forgotten what a miracle it is they are here after all we had to go through to get them here?

    This is a sore spot for me too. It just seems to make the pain and anger that much worse when people say that.

    I'm with you. Be angry, and don't let anyone take that from you until you are ready to let it go.


  10. There are no words to calm the waters of emotion right now. The emotions of a failed cycle run high. The emotions of a failed IVF cycle are a completely different animal with stronger emotions. I am so sorry you are experiencing this. You have a right to be angry, mad, bitter, and upset. Yes, you love JBB, he is your first miracle. But when your heart and mind were set on a second miracle, this is a huge devastating blow for you. Again, I'm so sorry you are having to handle these emotions and are somehow supposed to be a happy wife and smiling mom. Just remember that we will listen to whatever you need to vent and we will encourage you or just listen. I'm sending lots of hugs your way.