Anger and Bitterness

I went to the market with my Mum and sisters yesterday, as we do every Saturday. My older sister has been married for nearly 20 years and has three gorgeous boys and my younger sister has had a hard road to find love and now it seems she finally has. She moved in with her boyfriend about a month ago and we have been eagerly awaiting an engagement announcement. We always go for breakfast after we have bought all of our food for the week at while we were waiting for our breakfast, I noticed that my younger sister had a new iphone. I asked her if I could have look at it and I was scrolling through her Apps, I saw that she had 'what to expect when your expecting' on there. In shock, I asked, 'are you pregnant?'. She stuttered a 'no' and then went on to say that she had downloaded it because they were thinking about starting to try. My mum didn't say anything (which made realize that she already knew), my older sister demanded 'have you got news?' to which my younger sister replied again that they were just thinking about trying. My mind was reeling and I looked at the app and saw that it was on 7 weeks so knew that she was definitely pregnant.

I couldn't really talk much for the rest of the breakfast and when I got in the car with my mum to go home, I said to her 'she's pregnant right?'. My mum just nodded. She said to me that she hadn't been sleeping because she didn't know how they were going to tell me so close to finding out about the cycle failing, this made me really angry because it was like 'don't upset the poor infertile'. I was determined not to cry in front of my Mum, I didn't want word to get back to my sister that I was crying about it. I said to my mum 'let me first say that I am absolutely over the moon for LS (little sis) but that I really needed time to grieve. She said she understood but then went on to tell me that LS was having a hard time because she was spotting yesterday and had to go to the doctor. Honestly, I couldn't even think about that or talk about it -it was too soon. I said to my mum that I couldn't talk about it yet, I said that I would be there for her and help and support her as much as I could but I needed some time. We didn't talk that much on the way home after that.

I am angry. I'm angry because infertility has taken so much away from me. It makes me so angry that I couldn't just feel complete and utter joy for my sister, which she absolutely deserves. What I felt was joy for her but sadness for me and then of course guilt that I couldn't be only deliriously happy for her. I felt angry that people have to talk about how to tell me. I felt angry that everyone feels sorry for me. I felt angry because I couldn't go to the family dinner last night because I couldn't face it just yet.

I feel bitter because apparently it was an 'accident' and I'm still wondering whether my cycle didn't work because I moved too quickly to the hospital bed after the transfer or all of the other millions of tiny things (see previous post). I feel bitter because of everything that I feel I have to do to even have a chance and LS has brought it sharply into focus that most people don't have to do that. I feel bitter because we are going to have to try to get the money together (and most likely sacrifice our Christmas family holiday) for me to go back to Thailand for a FET.

That being said, I am still one lucky beeatch. I have JourneyMan, who has been a tower of support and understanding and honestly, his willingness to accept what we have to go through is amazing - he is one special husband and father. Of course, I have JBB and even though I am feeling angry and bitter, I look at his sweet face and thank god that he came into our lives - he has changed me in every way, all for the better. The other person that I have to mention is my bestie. We have been friends since we were in grade 2 and honestly, she is one of the best people that I know. Her path has not been to have a relationship and she doesn't even want kids but she (out of all of my friends and family) provides the most understanding and compassion. She has never said 'you need to get over it' or that I should just be grateful to have JBB. She has never said any of things that drive us infertiles mad. I asked her about it yesterday and she said 'apart from the fact that I am ace (she is!!), your my best friend and whatever you want, I want for you and I will be here to try to help you get whatever that is'. She is one special person and the only other person IRL that reads this blog. Love you bestie.

So that brings me to what's next. I am going to go back to Thailand by myself, probably in around the last week of December or the first week of January. Originally we were thinking later but it actually works out better with work and a whole bunch of things to do it at this time. So at this point, I am just waiting for the clinic to get back to me with a timeline and we will start from there. Of course all of the natural fertility palava will start again from tomorrow (I gave myself the weekend to go wild but will be back on the horse in a big way. Want to come with me for Thailand 2.1?