I found this line of thought intriguing – is there a guiding force that determined that because JBB was destined to get sick, the cycle failed to allow me to tend to him without distraction? I guess this line of thinking is about fate and I don’t know whether I believe in fate or not. I have always had trouble believing in fate or a grand plan because sometimes it can seem so cruel – I mean, who determines the need to go through multiple cycle failures or pregnancy losses? Not to mention the other tragedies that befall so many in the world.
Does that mean that regardless of what I do, the outcome of this coming cycle is already determined? Being the control freak that I am, I feel uncomfortable with the lack of control over my own destiny that this implies (especially since I spend my time trying to influence my body with treatment after treatment!!). I have trouble grappling with the something is ‘meant to happen’ as well because doesn’t that mean that the heroin addict who gets accidentally pregnant and has a baby born addicted to drugs is ‘meant’ to happen, or that the hospital here terminating a healthy 32 week old foetus (I think it is a baby by this point for sure!!) was ‘meant’ to happen and that disturbs me mightily.
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it – I would welcome opinions from anyone else out there!!