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Friday, October 21, 2011

A Cycle Lament

Why didn't I stay on bed rest for longer?
Why did I book the flight to Koh Samui within 48 hours of the transfer?
Why did I stuff up the Chinese herbs I was supposed to be taking?
Why didn't I take in my Grandnanna's Rosary beads in to the transfer?
Why did I eat junk food?
Why didn't I do a cleanse before we left?
Why did I not train my body so I felt healthier and better about myself?
Why didn't I make a concerted effort to lose weight?
Why did I forget to bring the acupuncture intradermals with me?
Why didn't I drink more water?
Why did I confidently think that this cycle would just be successful?
Why didn't I speak up when the catheter was hurting me in the transfer?
Why did I move so quickly from the stirrups to the hospital bed?
Why didn't I get the indoor plants to purify the air in our house?
Why did I let my doctor influence me into not having Val.ium for the transfer?
Why didn't I try to spend more time relaing?
Why did I go to a different masseuse for a treatment before the transfer?
Why didn't my body create a hospitable environment for a class A embryo to implant?
Why did I tempt fate and name the baby?
Why do I blame myself when things go wrong?
Why did I tell every man and his uncle what we were doing?
Why do I feel like I have let everyone down?
Why is it so hard to face the world?
Why does the glass wall come back so quickly?
Why does infertility take so much from us?
Why does it hurt like knives in my heart?


  1. Your list is my thoughts written down about my very own cycle, like ALL women who have a failed cycle. Please do not beat yourself up. I take from my doctor, that is not my uterus, it's up to the embyro. There is nothing that we can do one that Embie is in there, if there was, the world or IVF clinic would have 100% success rates. ((hugs))

  2. I'm so sorry you feel like this, but I would be the same too. It's so hard to not be in control... However much we think we are.... Hugs!

  3. These are thoughts every infertile has after a failed cycle. The hardest one for me is "Why did I tell people what we were doing?" Because then they come and ask how it went and if you're pregnant and you have to choke back the tears when you tell them it didn't work. You have to hold back the bitterness and anger. You lose your facade and the whole world sees you break.

    I don't think you did anything wrong, and I don't think there was anything you could have done differently. It is so hard not to beat ourselves up even though we know that though.

    *hugging you TIGHT*