Speaking of the cycle, I can’t help but wonder whether this ultra stressful lead up to the cycle will be detrimental to it? I wonder whether this is to do with the ‘just relax and it will happen’ comments that can’t help but seep into my consciousness but really, what matters more, being relaxed or having a good quality embryo? I mean how long is a piece of string? I think that my biggest annoyance with the whole IF process is that nothing is really concrete – there is no ‘secret recipe’ that is guaranteed to give 100% success and that really drives me crazy, no doubt it is why I drive myself crazy doing all of these treatments and such, because I am trying to control something that I have not one iota of control over. The one thing that I actually do have control over, my weight, has gotten completely out of control so I have to ask myself whether I have been focussing on the wrong thing - a very depressing thought. The good news for those exponents of the ‘relax and it will just happen method’ will be happy to know that I will have 5 days in Bangkok on my own where I will be doing nothing but relaxing (getting massages every day, reading, swimming and most importantly of all, sleeping 18 hours a day!!) so will that be enough to mitigate the stress of the last couple of months? How long does it take to recover from excessive tiredness, and does excessive tiredness affect success rates anyway?
I have found it very hard not knowing whether I am going to be able to go Thailand – it is hard to get myself ready and to push through all of the crap to realise that we are so lucky to even have the opportunity for me to go back, we have never had any bubsicles before, so it is a rare treat for us to not have to go through the whole shebang of a fresh donor cycle.
You know, what? I have felt lost these last couple of months. I have felt myself back drowning in the sea of IF but not really part of the IF camp either because we have been blessed with our darling boy JBB. The shock of JBB getting so seriously ill has really knocked me around and I find myself on the verge of tears all the time and I really don’t want to be around people because I am scared that they are going to say something that will have me sobbing – I just don’t want to be out in public sobbing. Now sitting at home watching a children’s show (for the Australians – it was High-5 – what the!??!) sobbing is a whole different animal, I seem to be able to do that fine.
I think that the biggest thing is that I just don’t have enough room in my body for all of the massive emotions that I am feeling, shock, relief, gratefulness, apprehension, worry, happiness, grief, excitement – you name it, it is going on here. Today, though for the first time in a while, I feel like I might be getting back to myself. Not so much that I should be let out on an unsuspecting public, mind but definitely, a little better.