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Sunday, September 11, 2011

On the knife edge...

I find myself on the verge of tears almost all of the time right now and I am searching for the reasons why.  I am wound so tight, the slightest thing will set me off – sometimes good things (like reading about Lifeslurper’s good news) or accidentally bump into the wall (I mean, come on – over-react much!??!).
There are so many emotions swirling around about this cycle – I need to explore a few of them to make sense of them:
1. Fear – the is the predominant feeling, I believe.  The thought of this not working and then being in that dark IF place is frightening beyond words.  I keep trying to face it in order to dispel it but honestly, the thought of fronting up for another cycle after this one, literally makes me want to vomit.  Each cycle takes so much physically, emotionally and mentally – it is very difficult to even contemplate having to go back for more.  I have tried to explain this to friends and family and mostly everyone has the same response ‘but surely it is easier this time because you have JBB’.  I totally get why people would have that response, I absolutely do and it definitely does make a difference that all the time we are going through the cycle we have the cute little man there to take the sting away.  However, there is something quite different about this cycle that I didn’t realise would be the case.  Last time, the cycle was really all about me – about me being mother finally, about having a baby of my own, about JourneyMan being a Dad etc.  This time, my main motivation is to provide a sibling for JBB, someone in the world
who is the same as him, so that they can both take comfort in each other.  I know that being a donor egg baby is becoming more prevalent in our but I would like them both to be able to turn to each other and draw comfort that they are both the same. I also love having siblings and I want to give them both the gift of each other, an ally in life, someone who can help them through the hard times and celebrate the great times as well (especially considering I am an older mother).  So, where does the fear fit in here – I think that it is tied in with thinking that I might not be able to provide that to JBB, that I will fall short, that I will not be good enough once again.  

2. Guilt – there is a measure of guilt that I feel in going back to the well a second time, asking for and expecting another miracle when we have been so blessed with JBB.  There is no greater joy that I feel when I look at his sweet little face but I can’t help but feel that we may be asking for too much when others are still waiting for their first.  What makes me think that we deserve to be twice blessed?

3. Tempting fate – being a slightly superstitious person – there is a small feeling of uneasiness about trying this all again for a second time.  Has our luck run out or will we cause it to run out because we are boldly going back for a second time – will this cause the fates to turn against us?
These are the raw thoughts that sit underneath my conscious ones and for the most part I don’t buy in to the whole deserving / not deserving, it just brings up too many questions about the many wonderful couples that I know who are still childless or the many other societal horrors such as heroin babies etc – I mean where is the deserving or not in there.
For what it’s worth, I am content that our Journey has brought us the delightful JBB and I hope (and sometimes pray, though I gave up on organised religion along time ago – I am still spiritual) that we will be successful on this cycle. Time is ticking away so quickly now, it is just over three weeks until we go to Thailand, for the most part, I look at JBB and and I'm excited and looking forward to the trip and the cycle.

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