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Wednesday, September 12, 2012


I am struggling at the moment.  I am anxious - so anxious that I constantly have that sick feeling in my stomach.  At first I thought that it might be early onset morning sickness but now I am pretty sure that it is just anxiety.

Just. Anxiety. 

Anxiety is such a small word but its effects are devastating.  I am not sure of what the origin of the anxiety is but I am certainly very worried about the pregnancy.  It is so early and I don't expect there to be symptoms and, of course, there are none but that worries me.  I have booked in for the first scan but it won't be for another 17 days - that feels like a life time.  Don't get me wrong, underneath the anxiety is certainty gratitude and some small measure of excitement but everything is overlaid by that anxiety.

It also could be to do with dealing with the emotional aftermath of Dad's death.  My Mum was worried that I wasn't there when Dad died but one thing that I know 100% is that Dad wanted me in Thailand for the cycle.  I am also okay that he couldn't wait, I didn't want him to struggle.  The simple truth is that I miss him.  Last week preparing for the funeral was completely manic and because we were immersed in his life, he felt like he was right there but now I feel bereft.  When I went to the viewing, I spent some time with him on my own and I told him about the baby, he would be so happy to know about another 'little miracle'.  How do you say goodbye to your Dad?  How can it be that he won't be ringing me and asking me how to text on his phone or talk about the footy.  I actually really don't understand.  The thought of his not meeting the baby makes me so sad.  The thought that JBB won't remember him tears me down deep.  The football finals are on and they are continually a stark reminder that he is not here.

I think that it is also work.  When I got back yesterday, I was overwhelmed with how much there was to do and today I think I have unwittingly walked in to a power play.  I am hoping that it will work out well for me and my Bestie but the uncertainty definitely has created more anxiety.

I am also worried that I am so anxious (yes, I just said that) - I hope that I am not hurting the baby with my worry.

How do I get rid of this sick feeling in my stomach?  Being a comfort eater, I usually try to eat to feel better but I have been trying to restrain myself, I want to look after myself and the baby.  I have downloaded some hypnosis mp3's - I am hoping that they will at least help to make the anxiety manageable.


  1. OK - assvice to follow . . .
    Firstly, the best thing for anxiety is movement. I had a spell of horrible anxiety (I wrote about it here: and I learned that since anxiety is your fight or flight response pumping adrenaline round your body, the best thing for you is to do one of those things. Fast walking, punching the air, getting some housework done (that one worked for me with post-natal anxiety - baby in sling on my front) - it's all good.
    Secondly - we can know people that we don't remember and never even met. My grandmother spoke often and lovingly of her father - I have a huge affection for him, though he died long, long before I was born. I had a very touching conversation the other day with the 8 year old daughter of a friend - my friend's brother and sister died in their early 20s (cystic fibrosis) and his mum died of breast cancer while his wife was pregnant with this wee girl. I had known them all my life. We spoke about all three of them - things they liked and didn't (balloons!). Your babies will hear of your father from you and he will live on for them in your stories and your love for him.

  2. First of all, OMG you're pregnant!!!! I have been meaning to come check on you, but life has totally gotten away from me. This is so exciting!!!!

    Calming down now.

    You have been so much in my thoughts and prayers since I last checked in and you were on your way home from Thailand. I know that when the day comes, I won't handle losing my dad very well either.

    You are in such a mixed boat right now. I'm not surprised you are feeling anxious. You've just lost your dad. You've just done another FET, that worked, but it still hard to not worry. You really have a LOT to process.

    The only recommendation I can give is to immerse yourself in things that make you happy, JBB, Journey Man, anything that brings you comfort and happiness.

    I've been having panic attacks myself a lot lately, and have to remind myself to just breathe. I can't pin mine to any one thing either. Its so frustrating.

    Hang in there sweetie.


  3. Prayers and hugs. I wish I could give you more, but I will be thinking about you.