Wednesday, September 12, 2012
I am struggling at the moment. I am anxious - so anxious that I constantly have that sick feeling in my stomach. At first I thought that it might be early onset morning sickness but now I am pretty sure that it is just anxiety.
Anxiety is such a small word but its effects are devastating. I am not sure of what the origin of the anxiety is but I am certainly very worried about the pregnancy. It is so early and I don't expect there to be symptoms and, of course, there are none but that worries me. I have booked in for the first scan but it won't be for another 17 days - that feels like a life time. Don't get me wrong, underneath the anxiety is certainty gratitude and some small measure of excitement but everything is overlaid by that anxiety.
It also could be to do with dealing with the emotional aftermath of Dad's death. My Mum was worried that I wasn't there when Dad died but one thing that I know 100% is that Dad wanted me in Thailand for the cycle. I am also okay that he couldn't wait, I didn't want him to struggle. The simple truth is that I miss him. Last week preparing for the funeral was completely manic and because we were immersed in his life, he felt like he was right there but now I feel bereft. When I went to the viewing, I spent some time with him on my own and I told him about the baby, he would be so happy to know about another 'little miracle'. How do you say goodbye to your Dad? How can it be that he won't be ringing me and asking me how to text on his phone or talk about the footy. I actually really don't understand. The thought of his not meeting the baby makes me so sad. The thought that JBB won't remember him tears me down deep. The football finals are on and they are continually a stark reminder that he is not here.
I think that it is also work. When I got back yesterday, I was overwhelmed with how much there was to do and today I think I have unwittingly walked in to a power play. I am hoping that it will work out well for me and my Bestie but the uncertainty definitely has created more anxiety.
I am also worried that I am so anxious (yes, I just said that) - I hope that I am not hurting the baby with my worry.
How do I get rid of this sick feeling in my stomach? Being a comfort eater, I usually try to eat to feel better but I have been trying to restrain myself, I want to look after myself and the baby. I have downloaded some hypnosis mp3's - I am hoping that they will at least help to make the anxiety manageable.