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Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Staring Down Fear…

I have a question that I keep asking myself – ‘how do you enjoy a pregnancy when at any moment you expect the rug to be pulled out from under you’?  This is the classic ‘pregnant after IF’ conundrum.  I have watched bloggers be fearful for the whole pregnancy (this was also me with JBB) and I have watched in awe as some bloggers have courageously stared down their fear and determinedly enjoyed every part of their pregnancy.

I feel I am starting to play the ‘when, then’ game.  When I see a heartbeat, then I will relax and enjoy the pregnancy.  But really, that just doesn’t work because then it is ‘when I get to the 2nd trimester, then I can relax and enjoy the pregnancy’ and then it goes to ‘when I get the tests back, then I can relax’, ‘when I get to viability, then I can enjoy it’, ‘when I hear them cry, then I will relax’.  There is always a when / then scenario and I really don’t want to live my life that way.

The fear is because I worry about the doomsday scenarios (miscarriage, stillbirth etc) but does worrying about them make them any less heartbreaking if the worst occurs?  In short, the answer is absolutely not.  I have gone into cycles with complete hope, I have gone into cycles with complete doubt and if the negative comes, I still howl crying and feel dark to my soul, so the question is ‘why worry?’  There is really no reason to give in to the fear.

So, I am going to stare down the fear.  I am going to hope and to act as if this pregnancy is going to go all the way and that at the end I have a beautiful baby to hold in my arms.

So, that being said, I do feel much happier today.  Over the weekend, I had a food aversion on Saturday night and some slight morning sickness on Sunday morning and today, I have had undeniable morning sickness for most of the day.  It’s made me so happy!!  I feel like crap but the very best thing is that I feel like I am pregnant and that is a really great feeling!!  Still 10 days until the first scan (when isn’t there a count down?) – so a bit of time to wait but I am going to enjoy it!

***  I would also like to thank the following people
for stopping by and commenting in the last couple of weeks.  Each and every comment has touched my heart and I appreciate your support at this difficult and joyful time.

Ordinary Girl at Wonderfully Ordinary

Sue at Dream-Believe
TIO at The Impatient Optimist
Elle at Elle’s Family Blog
Silver at Hope for the Best
Melissa at Banking on It
Tiree Gal from Happy Go Lucky
Summer at Worrier/Warrier
Played by the Fickle Mistress at Fate is a Fickle Mistress

Maj Bryen



  1. You're so sweet. It's been my pleasure to stop by and see how things are going. I just wish there was something I could do to make it easier! I relate SO much to what you're saying here. I try very hard to enjoy every moment of my pregnancies, but I can't help but be terrified too. It's an exhausting line to walk. I'm going to keep hoping for you though that all the fear is for nothing. It is amazing how exciting it can be too feel like throwing up huh :) I was more then happy to be nauseous when I was, as weird as that sounds, and I'm glad that you're having that same joyful feeling. Although I hope it doesn't wear you down too much. Once again, that fine line :)

  2. Sometimes I go into those doubts, but I never let them linger for very long. I just keep telling my baby to grow and thrive. And I keep telling myself, we'll make it. I WILL have this baby in 7+ months! I just don't like doubts, or thinking about them. I am one of those crazy chicks who enjoys every single day I'm pregnant. The crappier I feel, the happier I am.

    Okay, how funny is it that we both have our first sonos on the same day, and that you had your IVF the day before my IUI? I swear we are so on the same page and in the same place sometimes. We're so awesome.