3dp5dt - Who is this person?

I have writers block.  I have had writers block for months so I have resorted to updates only and I know it has been boring arse and I am very sorry.  I am trying to dig myself out of this rut and start to write what I really want to write about and I guess at the moment, I need to explain how I am feeling.

For those of you experienced in the 2WW, you will know that it is a strange, half life where time is elastic and crazy is a permanent resident.  When else in your life is constant contemplation of when (and of course, how many times) to pee on a stick is a natural, even expected thought process.  Where others, who are part of our community will help you debate the benefits and drawbacks of testing early and even which tests are the best to use?

The 2WW takes a woman's ability to multi task to the ultimate level.  Watch as I view dvd's whilst searching the internet for stories of success from other IFers and research ways to improve my chances of implantation.  See how I eat my breakfast, have a conversation with my Bestie and all the time be thinking what maternity clothes I will need as well as planning when we would have the money to come back for the next cycle.

After so many 2WW's, I have realised that there is absolutely no way of busying yourself up to the point where you don't think of the cycle.  I have heard of people doing 2WW bucket lists or even just compiling a list of things to do to pass the time in the 2WW.  I have had 2WW's where I have been super busy and at work.  I have had 2WW's when I have been in a beach paradise.  I have had 2WW's that I have been on my own.  They have all been hard.

It's hard because I want it so bad. I also don't want to want it because I know I will be devastated if it doesn't work.  I want to let myself hope because I know that regardless of whether I have let myself hope or not, I will be just as devastated if it's negative.  How do you keep getting up to stand with your arms open wide without flinching, even just a little.  How do you not expect the slap down?  

I used to be wide open.  I took pride in the fact that if there was something that I feared, I would try to face it so it wouldn't have power over me.  I generally considered myself a brave person.  Now, sometimes, I don't recognise myself anymore.  Sometimes I can't help but think I am more like the dog that has been hit too many times.  I see myself cowering in the corner, trying to stand and open my trusting arms wide but knowing that the slap down is coming.  Who is this person and how did I get here?  Is there any chance of recovery or is this how I am going to be from now on?

Despite all this, I have hope.  I have let myself hope this cycle, it may be a quavering, uncertain hope but it is hope all the same.  I listen with happiness/uneasiness as people tell me that they have a good feeling about this cycle.  I think about the due date and plan our lives around it.  I think about how I will tell JourneyMan when I see the positive on the test.  I think about how we will ensure that JBB feels as completely loved as possible when the new baby comes along.  I think about bringing our family back to Thailand and not having to have a cycle, just to enrich our children's cultural experience.  I just can't stop thinking.

I am hugely bloated, I am not sleeping well, I have had a mild ache in my uterus (is it uteri if you have 2?) but other than that, I am completely symptom free.  I attribute all of the aforementioned 'symptoms' to the large cocktail of drugs that I am taking so no real indicator of anything.  I didn't really when I was in the 2WW for JBB either but I had the dizziness, that told me that something was different, I haven't had that.

It just drives me crazy not knowing and sometimes I think 'please, please don't hit me again, I am so tired of it, so very, very tired'.