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Tuesday, August 21, 2012

2 More Sleeps – Calm

I woke up this morning and thought ‘2 more sleeps’ and I felt something.  It was a feeling that I had to take a moment to recognise.  I was calm, that was what I was feeling.  I am not a very calm person, I would usually describe myself as ‘passionate’ when I am being nice to myself or a ‘drama queen’ when I am a little bit over my craziness.  Calm, patient, serene – these are definitely words that I don’t think that I have ever heard linked to me before – in fact if that sat down next to me on the bus I would have trouble recognising them.  It has made me wonder from whence this new found calm has come?  

I can only imagine that it is the fact that I am ready.  I have looked at the last couple of cycles, reviewed my posts leading up to and during the cycles and from the true benefit of hindsight, even though at the time I thought I was ready, I wasn’t.  I feel pretty good about myself too, I think that I have done what I can to make the cycle a success.  I have by no means been perfect but definitely I have influenced what I could to make the cycle a success.  I mean, who the hell knows why a cycle succeeds or fails anyway, I sure as shit don’t and I am done with beating myself up with the multitude of ways that we all can do in a cycle.

I am not stressed.  I really, really hope that this cycle works but I am also satisfied that we have a workable plan B to go on with and I am not horrified by it.  Of course, I will be very upset if we have to do plan B but I accept that we may have to do it.  Work is also not stressful, though I have got quite a few last minute things to do, I am not stressed about it, I will hand over anything not done to my sidekick and will move on immediately.

I am tired but not the ‘falling asleep driving to work’ kind of dead exhausted that I was before the October and December cycles last year – now I am just your everyday working Mum type tired – I kind of expect that this is just how it is from now on.  

I am not over the top emotional – thankfully for JourneyMan, JBB and those around me, I am not snapping or crying or overly worried or anything that normally precedes a cycle for me – it is quite pleasant really!!

I may lose my shit tomorrow but for the moment I am revelling in this new found calm – it’s nice, I would definitely like to experience it again!!

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