5dp5dt - 2WW hell...

After feeling quite positive yesterday, I did the stupidest thing of all time and that is POAS this morning. Seriously, what was I thinking? With JBB, I did not get a positive HPT (though not testing with FRER) until 9dp5dt so why did I think that I would get any kind of positive on 5dp5dt. The only reason that I can plead is that I so desperately want good news. The thought of another failed cycle makes it hard for me to breathe. I am trying, trying, trying to get positivity back but I want to crawl into bed and sleep until Wednesday so that I will know the result for sure. The waiting is absolute and utter torture.

We took JBB to the local swimming pool today and he just loves other kids - it is like a knife in my heart to see him wander over to other children because I want to give him a sister or brother so, so badly. I feel like it is my duty to him. I feel because we chose such an unusual route to have a child that it would be the greatest gift to give him for him to have someone in the family who is in the same boat. He can't talk to JourneyMan or I and us be able to understand the feelings that he has but I want him to have someone in the family that he can talk to openly about those feelings. I want them to be able to share the journey to meet the donor if that is what they choose. I will obviously be there to support, love and empathise with any feeling or situation that JBB is in and I will do my absolute best to be the best mother this little boy could have but will he feel isolated because of the situation that we have placed him in?

The decision to go to Thailand and have a baby via a donor there was made because JourneyMan and I wanted to be parents, I wanted to be a mother so desperately that I would do anything for that to happen. We would have done adoption, surrogacy, foster care or anything to make that happen ultimately. The decision to go back is not about us at all, it is about JBB and though I would never have believed it at the time, that feeling within me is fiercer and more base than any I have ever known. I felt after the 5 failed cycles with my own eggs that I had failed JourneyMan and myself but at the end of the day, we had chosen our life together and would always have each other - it would be very, very difficult but I could get over it eventually. But how do you reconcile failing your son? I can't breathe for thinking that I may fail to give him a sibling. It is literally like I have broken glass where my heart is to think that one day I may have to explain to him that Mummy just couldn't do it.

I don't know how I am going to get through the next 5 days but I am sure that time will pass eventually and then I'll know. I have trouble conveying to people how much these results mean. On one hand, a positive result (and hopefully a successful pregnancy and birth) will mean that we are done with IVF, we can actually make plans, I can get treatment for the pain that I have every day, we can save for a house, we can go on family holidays (that don't include cycles), we can look to the future. On the other hand, a negative result puts us back into the fray of saving for another cycle (and we are in a bit of a mess financially right now so we are going to have to wait at least 6 months for another go), keep going through the natural fertility treatments, not look to move to a bigger house (despite the fact that JBB barely has room to run now), in other words, we are back to a stalled existence.

I do have to reiterate that I know that we are super duper lucky to have JBB and honestly, being a mother to him is enough for me, what I can't bear the thought of is not giving him the gift of a sibling - I never thought that this feeling would be so strong in me but it gets stronger and stronger every day.

I know that people don't understand why I get so upset but we have been living with this waiting game for more than four years, really, is it that wrong to be a little tired of it?