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Tuesday, January 17, 2012

On Hold....

We have had some more bad news last week. They have found a 6cm growth on his adrenal gland that was not there 3 months ago. Considering that he had melanoma and then lung cancer from the melanoma, this is pretty bad news. He had a full body scan yesterday and now we are waiting to see what the doctor says the next step is. So we are waiting.

In addition, JBB has his tests tomorrow to check that there has been no damage to his heart – we will not know the results until Monday and I am hoping against hope that he is cleared of damage to his heart but will just have to deal with it if the news is not good. He has been very good and active, so I am hoping that it means that he will be cleared but it is hard to know what is going to happen. But we are waiting.

I am trying very hard to not worry until I have something concrete to worry about but I do find it very difficult – especially when they are both important things. Add these to the waiting that I have done over the past 4 years with IVF and I feel like my life has become and interminable purgatory of waiting. You would think that after all of this time, I would have gotten better at it but it is very wearing.

My Mum tells me all the time how hard it is with Dad being sick (I honestly think that in the last 5 years, he’s had around 15 operations and a gazillion appointments) because she can’t make any plans – I absolutely know what she means cos we have been in the same place. We usually only book a holiday at the last minute because who knows if a cycle is going to happen and we have to be going to Thailand? Our Christmas holiday was cancelled, so that I could go to Thailand for the cycle and my sister asked me the other day if we were going to go next year – of course my answer is ‘who knows?’.

I feel like our life is mostly, waiting for the results of Dad’s operations and tests and waiting, preparing for or recovering from IVF cycles. We had a blissful (though not without a hell of a lot of worry) 8 months where we were waiting for JBB to be born and then another 5 months where he pretty much occupied my every thought but then it was back to work to get enough money for another cycle and the waiting began again. Now we have to wait to see what Dad’s treatment is going to be, wait to see what JBB’s results are going to be and then 6 months of waiting and preparing for another cycle.

I need some strategies to handle a life perpetually on hold – anyone got any ideas?


  1. sending big hugs and love. This waiting must be soo hard.

  2. I hate being in that place. It is so difficult. You just want to know that you are on solid ground for once, not going anywhere, but able to finally enjoy life. But you never know when that will happen, or how long you will have to wait. So you start looking for anything in your life that is permanent, anything to hold onto.

    I wish that for once, you and I would have some good news. That we could be in a good place after so much struggle and heartache. The kids definitely help, don't they? Some days that is how I overcome the emptiness and anger at not being able to have any more. I just focus on my sweet baby, and continually marvel at what a little miracle she is. Thanking God every day for putting her in my life.

    I hope and pray that something good comes your way this year.


    P.S. Sorry if this comment is really weird. We'll blame it on the pain meds making me loopy. :D