I have news. It is excellent, fantastic news. We have received the timeline from the Thai doctor, we know the dates of our cycle (ET 18 December), we are all approved and ready to go. This is brilliant and I am, of course, very excited by the prospect. Or so you would think. I have had a very strange week. I have been absolutely exhausted all week, I haven’t even been running but the most strange of all, I haven’t written any lists, I haven’t created a spreadsheet, I haven’t counted how many days it is until the ET – I have barely done anything. I am flummoxed at my reaction.
I have a couple of thoughts about the reasons why and forgive me, I think that this is going to be a long post. The first thought that I had was a conversation that I had with JourneyMan the other day. I had already started to think about what the contingency plan is (surrogacy) and I think I am out and out just plain scared. Not of going to Thailand, not of having the cycle – I am scared to fail again. I am scared that we will spend all of this money and will not get a positive result, not realise our dreams. Oh dear, how can I be so negative and we haven’t even started yet?
Well, to understand this, I need to tell you something else about my past. I am a recovering alcoholic. I haven’t had anything to drink for more than 7 years. Journey Man has never known me to have a drink and thankfully, he doesn’t really drink much at all which makes my life a lot easier I can tell you. Many times I have wondered if my inability to have a baby is related to the serious wrong doing of my earlier drinking years. The logical side of me says ‘no’ but the side of me that believes in karma cannot help but think I deserve the hurt that I have experienced on this journey.
I was watching the show, Intervention, on cable TV today as I like to make sure that I keep it fresh in my mind what would happen if I gave in to a craving and had a drink. Anyway, the woman who was on there after she had been in rehab for 65 days, said ‘I have realised that I have to let go of the past, it was horrible and I have to forgive myself’. Well, that was enough for me to start bawling. I think that the problem is that I have never forgiven myself for the sins of my past. Thinking about it since seeing it on the tele today I am finding it difficult to forgive myself, I guess I see the alcoholism as a real weakness and I don’t think I really like having such a weakness. I really and truly thought that I was well over all of these issues so I feel a bit perturbed that it has come up again for me.
Getting back to my less than enthusiastic reaction to the wonderful news that our cycle is all approved. There is another reason that I always go to the negative situation and plan the contingency and that is because it is one of the ways in which I stay sober. I know that sounds strange but a lot of the ways that I stayed sober was to look at every situation and kind of prepare myself for anything that happens so that I can prepare myself not to drink. It sounds crazy but it has worked for me quite well.
So, I am hoping that my enthusiasm and belief will come back to me soon cos at the moment I am tired and lethargic – I am amidst a malaise. I really need it to because we have got a lot to organise, flights, accommodation, gosh there are spreadsheets to make and checklists to write!!
I have a couple of thoughts about the reasons why and forgive me, I think that this is going to be a long post. The first thought that I had was a conversation that I had with JourneyMan the other day. I had already started to think about what the contingency plan is (surrogacy) and I think I am out and out just plain scared. Not of going to Thailand, not of having the cycle – I am scared to fail again. I am scared that we will spend all of this money and will not get a positive result, not realise our dreams. Oh dear, how can I be so negative and we haven’t even started yet?
Well, to understand this, I need to tell you something else about my past. I am a recovering alcoholic. I haven’t had anything to drink for more than 7 years. Journey Man has never known me to have a drink and thankfully, he doesn’t really drink much at all which makes my life a lot easier I can tell you. Many times I have wondered if my inability to have a baby is related to the serious wrong doing of my earlier drinking years. The logical side of me says ‘no’ but the side of me that believes in karma cannot help but think I deserve the hurt that I have experienced on this journey.
I was watching the show, Intervention, on cable TV today as I like to make sure that I keep it fresh in my mind what would happen if I gave in to a craving and had a drink. Anyway, the woman who was on there after she had been in rehab for 65 days, said ‘I have realised that I have to let go of the past, it was horrible and I have to forgive myself’. Well, that was enough for me to start bawling. I think that the problem is that I have never forgiven myself for the sins of my past. Thinking about it since seeing it on the tele today I am finding it difficult to forgive myself, I guess I see the alcoholism as a real weakness and I don’t think I really like having such a weakness. I really and truly thought that I was well over all of these issues so I feel a bit perturbed that it has come up again for me.
Getting back to my less than enthusiastic reaction to the wonderful news that our cycle is all approved. There is another reason that I always go to the negative situation and plan the contingency and that is because it is one of the ways in which I stay sober. I know that sounds strange but a lot of the ways that I stayed sober was to look at every situation and kind of prepare myself for anything that happens so that I can prepare myself not to drink. It sounds crazy but it has worked for me quite well.
So, I am hoping that my enthusiasm and belief will come back to me soon cos at the moment I am tired and lethargic – I am amidst a malaise. I really need it to because we have got a lot to organise, flights, accommodation, gosh there are spreadsheets to make and checklists to write!!
I am sure I will be back to myself soon - sorry for the maudlin post.....
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It is interesting you talk about this in your post. I have a very good friend who is a recovered alcoholic who was at my desk this very morning talking about how her sister just did an IUI that failed. She said she always knew one of them would have a hard time getting pg, but that she thought it would be her and not her sister because she too felt that karma from her drinking days would come back to haunt her. I told her I didn't think karma worked that way, and obviously it doesn't as she had her second baby just two weeks before me. I honestly don't feel that your drinking days are affecting your ability to be a mother right now. I feel bad that you are beating yourself up over the two. They are completely different. While one was your choice, the other is not, and is not because of the one that was your choice.
ReplyDeleteAs for the trepidation regarding the donor egg cycle, that is completely understandable. I am sure anyone in your shoes would feel the same way. It is a big deal, and there is a lot riding on it both emotionally and monitarily.
I pray that you are able to come to peace with the sins of your past and that you are soon back on your feet and full of energy for the upcoming cycle.
*BIG hugs!*
That's great news :) I'm excited for you! I can totally understand how you would kind of be in a haze right now - there is a lot riding on this chance.
ReplyDeleteWishing you lots and lots of luck!
(and if it makes any difference, I don't think IF is in any way your fault, alcoholism or not, we all have our downfalls)
Having down days are just part of the deal with IF. It will pass. The great part is you have a positive plan to focus on. And the IF is in no way your fault, or you karma.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to leave a hug.