I have a couple of thoughts about the reasons why and forgive me, I think that this is going to be a long post. The first thought that I had was a conversation that I had with JourneyMan the other day. I had already started to think about what the contingency plan is (surrogacy) and I think I am out and out just plain scared. Not of going to Thailand, not of having the cycle – I am scared to fail again. I am scared that we will spend all of this money and will not get a positive result, not realise our dreams. Oh dear, how can I be so negative and we haven’t even started yet?
Well, to understand this, I need to tell you something else about my past. I am a recovering alcoholic. I haven’t had anything to drink for more than 7 years. Journey Man has never known me to have a drink and thankfully, he doesn’t really drink much at all which makes my life a lot easier I can tell you. Many times I have wondered if my inability to have a baby is related to the serious wrong doing of my earlier drinking years. The logical side of me says ‘no’ but the side of me that believes in karma cannot help but think I deserve the hurt that I have experienced on this journey.
I was watching the show, Intervention, on cable TV today as I like to make sure that I keep it fresh in my mind what would happen if I gave in to a craving and had a drink. Anyway, the woman who was on there after she had been in rehab for 65 days, said ‘I have realised that I have to let go of the past, it was horrible and I have to forgive myself’. Well, that was enough for me to start bawling. I think that the problem is that I have never forgiven myself for the sins of my past. Thinking about it since seeing it on the tele today I am finding it difficult to forgive myself, I guess I see the alcoholism as a real weakness and I don’t think I really like having such a weakness. I really and truly thought that I was well over all of these issues so I feel a bit perturbed that it has come up again for me.
Getting back to my less than enthusiastic reaction to the wonderful news that our cycle is all approved. There is another reason that I always go to the negative situation and plan the contingency and that is because it is one of the ways in which I stay sober. I know that sounds strange but a lot of the ways that I stayed sober was to look at every situation and kind of prepare myself for anything that happens so that I can prepare myself not to drink. It sounds crazy but it has worked for me quite well.
So, I am hoping that my enthusiasm and belief will come back to me soon cos at the moment I am tired and lethargic – I am amidst a malaise. I really need it to because we have got a lot to organise, flights, accommodation, gosh there are spreadsheets to make and checklists to write!!