I have looked into myself about this many times before to see why I find it so hard, after all – they are my friends and I am happy that their lives are working out well. Sometimes I think it’s because I am feeling sorry for myself – that is hard to admit because I would really rather not be a ‘poor me’ person. Sometimes, I think it is because I am miserably bitter and twisted and quite frankly, if I had a choice I would like spend some time away from myself which is why I try and spare others of my black presence. Sometimes I think it is because I am worried that I will say something really mean to someone if they say something to me about having children and I really don’t want to be mean. Sometimes I think that it’s because I don’t want to get upset and ruin the day for whoever’s day it actually is. Sometimes I think that I am being childish not being able to get over this and be myself again. Most of the time I think that it’s probably all of those things. I wonder if there will be a time that I can handle these situations better.
I left feeling that I still had indentations from the fake smile that was on my face all afternoon. I left feeling those horrible feelings of jealousy, envy and guilt for being such a terrible friend. Don’t get me wrong, I know that I am lucky. I have the wonderful JourneyMan and JourneyDog. I have had a lot of experiences in my life that have made me (mostly) able to cope with the ups and downs. I have had a lot of pain as well as joy. I am lucky.