Ready.....

Now that I have mostly shaken off the illness of the past week or so, I have come to face the undeniable fact that I am now ready.  Ready to go to Thailand, ready for another cycle, ready for another baby.  I have not been this ready since we went to Thailand the first time to have JBB.  

I feel good in my body (I have lost almost 20kg’s / 42lbs), despite not doing any running this past week – I can easily run 5km, so I feel very fit and strong.  My body is now ready for another pregnancy.  I have decided to stop the running from now on because it is really taxing me – I am wanting the next 38 days to be all about, replenishing, nourishing and nurturing my body so that I am 100% ready to go for the transfer.  That doesn’t mean that I am stopping exercise, I am not – I still plan on walking an hour a day, at least 5-6 times per week.  I do need to get back to doing my yoga – that makes me feel very stretched and strong as well.  I will be doing that 5-6 times per week also.

We are now ready in our living situation as well.  We are in a house that has plenty of space for all of us as well as ample to bring another person into our family.  JBB and JourneyDog absolutely love the space to run around in and we have a new bedroom all ready and waiting for a little baby to come and join us!  We haven’t completely set the baby’s room up yet, we just haven’t had a chance to.  I don’t mind though, that space is all there ready for our new little one to arrive.  Previously, we were in a 2 bedroom unit with a small living area and a courtyard, now we are in a 3 bedroom house with a nice living area and a good sized backyard.  We are also in a very family friendly neighbourhood rather than on a main road where we were before..  I know that we would have been able to bring a baby into that unit and it would have been okay but I would much rather have the extra space and the baby to have a room all of their own rather than share.

I am now ready in my mind.  I now feel extremely confident that I can handle a new baby coming into our lives.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t think that there will be times when I am tearing my hair out from exhaustion and frustration – no, I understand that 2 children means double the work, it’s just that I know in my heart that I can handle it now (there were definitely doubts before).  In hindsight, I wasn’t ready in October last year and I still wasn’t in December.  I feel, I was more trying to work to a timeline rather than readying myself for another pregnancy and baby.  I really wanted it all to be ‘over with’ rather than concentrating on accepting another miracle into our lives and building our lives into the kind of family life that we will all enjoy.

I also mainly wanted a sibling for JBB and whilst this has not changed, I also want another baby for myself and JourneyMan.  Previously, I had believed that if I hadn’t wanted a sibling for JBB so badly, I would have moved past IVF altogether and gotten on with our lives.  That’s not true now.  I want to have another baby to relish their differences from JBB, to be pregnant again (and hopefully not worry as much this time), to have a newborn and see them changing every day.  Once my sister had her baby, my heart started to yearn again for a baby in the house.

I don’t necessarily think that this ‘readiness’ is the difference between success and failure of the cycle – who knows why any cycle is a success or a failure?  However, I do feel much better in myself about my own preparedness.  I haven’t been 100% on my plan to do all of my complimentary therapies but I feel that I have done enough.  Enough that if it is negative that I am not going to beat up on myself and blame myself for it.  It will just not be the right time.  Don’t get me wrong, if it is negative, I will be upset and will grieve very much (certainly because it is our last ditch effort for a full blood sibling for JBB) but I am not going to fillet myself with thoughts and words.  I have spent the past 8 months between cycles very well.  I have worked on myself, physically, mentally and emotionally.  We have also changed our living situation considerably, we are all happier.

So, I am ready – what am I going to do with these last 38 days?!??!?!  

Oh yes, packing, cleaning, organising JBB’s 2^nd Birthday, cooking some food for JourneyMan and JBB to have while I am away – oh yeah, still lots to do!!