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Thursday, July 5, 2012

Something I can’t get off my mind

I am going to a baby shower in a few weeks and apart from the fact that I am not telling any of my friends (except my bestie who is coming – yayers!) about the cycle in Thailand in August, I don’t mind baby showers now.  They used to hold so many emotions for me, jealousy, hope, wishful thinking, hurt, self pity but now they are a genuine chance to be happy for my friends who are having babies. I am lucky enough to have had my baby shower and I am happy not to have another one (though I still want another baby of course!!).

The friend whose shower it is for is 43 and is pregnant with her boyfriend of a year.  There is no judgement there, I more than anyone else know how loud the biological clock can tick and definitely would have preferred a baby over a wedding any day of the week.  She also has a long history of bad luck with boyfriends and had basically given up any chance of a baby of her own a while ago, so I am very happy indeed at her change in circumstances.

I saw her awhile ago and was really excited to talk to her about the baby.  I was pretty much shut down though (she was about 20 weeks at the time) when she really brushed aside my congratulations.  In my mind, I thought ‘weird’ but tried again.  ‘So how are you feeling, it must be all very exciting?’  Her answer to this was ‘not really, it is all pretty boring’.  She also told me that she didn’t see the point in stopping work early (I wanted to let her know to enjoy those halcyon days when you finish work and the baby hasn’t come yet because there is not much sleep for a while after that) and said that she is working up until the week the baby is due.  Ooooookay, no worries, everyone is different and have there own choices to make, right?

Generally, I consider myself a pretty inclusive person – I really don’t mind what anyone does (as long as they are not hurting anyone else of course) but this burned me and I have been thinking about it for weeks.  Let me recap – she got pregnant at 43 without any trouble that is surely worth a bit of excitement and gratitude!!!  I have felt really affronted by her lack of excitement, or even any real interest.  I know that this is really about me and my journey and probably the fact that I worked so hard for my pregnancy but didn’t really enjoy it because I was so worried, so I know that it’s not her fault, it’s mine.  I didn’t know that something like this would bother me so much but I wanted to shake the pregnant woman and tell her to be excited, dammit.  Not really good behaviour for polite company!!

I hope that there is a little more excitement at the baby shower, either way, I promise there will be no shaking of the pregnant lady.

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