Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Great Post O Whinging (read at own risk)
It is a sad fact that I am feeling pretty miserable at the moment. The weather for one is really getting me down. I have been getting up at 5am a few times a week to go running and it is very cold and it’s raining so much. This morning, I just couldn’t face getting out of bed and going for a run in the rain again today – yesterday, I was saturated when I got home and I felt cold for the rest of the day. The building at work is also cold so I am sitting at my desk all day freezing, my bestie and I go for a walk at lunch time and because of the rain, we walk up and down the mulit level car park (so that we don’t get wet) for an hour – it is hardly inspirational scenery., the concrete jungle of a car park. I am also pretty strictly dieting so that I can lose as much weight as possible before I go to Thailand for the cycle. Basically I feel like I am in ‘Survivor’, I am cold and hungry (and sometimes battling the elements in physical challenges) most of the time.
To add to my misery this past week, the cramps have come back. The past few months I have been relatively cramp free – this is a huge improvement from the 3 weeks per month of cramping that I had been having previously but now they are back again and with a vengeance!! I think probably because I am on the pill it is throwing my hormones out again. It is exhausting to be in pain all the time, I hope that it won’t be the whole time until I go to Thailand.
I also must say that I am tired of this journey. Just bone tired. I was reading through my blog yesterday and I realised that we are actually coming up on our six year anniversary of dealing with infertility and cycles. In all of that 6 years the only time that I haven’t been considering a cycle, preparing for a cycle or going through a cycle was during the time that I was pregnant with JBB. Even then I was calculating how long we would need before we could go back and try again. The mental, physical and emotional energy needed to go through a cycle is phenomenal. To keep fronting up cycle after cycle takes a monumental effort. In the beginning, we were in a huge hurry because I was 35 and the clock was ticking ominously. In a few weeks, I am going to be turning 41 – nuff said.
I know that it is our choice to try for another child, I don’t need any well meaning friends or relatives to tell me how lucky I am to have JBB and that I should be satisfied with our success (if you are looking for a really great article about what to say and what not to say to someone who is experiencing infertility – go here). I absolutely 100% realise how lucky that I am and since I am his mother, I want the best for him and I want him to have a sibling to go through life with. I don’t think that it’s too much to ask for our son to grow up with a sibling. I will do as much as I possibly can to make this happen (which is why I will continue to walk in the concrete jungle and run in the rain and diet until I go).
Unless you’ve been through it, most people don’t understand just how much planning cycles, preparing for cycles, going through cycles and recovering from cycles infiltrates every part of your life. From the moment I wake up in the morning to the time I go to bed at night – every decision that I make is considered with the cycle in mind. Even something so simple as getting the timing of medications, supplements and Chinese herbs right takes a good plan to make sure that there are no contraindications etc.
I know that I am just having a down day, I know that I am lucky and that many others are still battling in the trenches without any success. I know that I am a big whinger. I will not be angry if you have skipped over this post – there is only so much whinging anyone can take.
There is no possibility of a time warp, right - seriously, I feel as if time is going in super slow motion right now. I usually would never say this but I really wish it would speed up a bit.
I am sure that the sun will come out tomorrow – right?!?!?