Thai massage...

Project Relax is going very well, there have been movies watched (Sherlock Holmes & Mission Impossible), baths taken (very hot because I am hoping that I won't be able to have them in a couple of days for quite.a few months), yoga for fertility done, hypnosis sessions listened to and much blissfully uninterrupted reading done - it has been very nice. I have also been partaking of some Thai massages but unfortunately for me over the past couple of days, the masseuses have been from the 'banging your head against a brick wall because it feels good when it stops' school of massage and quite frankly, I feel like I have been beaten up with a cricket bat. I have had some nice quiet time by the pool and have now retreated to my room to nurse my sore muscles.

I am also going to work on my transfer day schedule tonight and have a chat with JourneyMan and my Bestie. I need a transfer day schedule because the last transfer day was a bit of a debacle. I took all the post transfer herbs before the transfer, I completely forgot to bring the acupuncture intradermals, I got lists on the way to the clinic and was dripping in sweat when I finally got there and I had the most painful foot massage of all time. The bed rest after the transfer was laughable because there was not much rest going on with JBB romping around the place and plus, they said no lifting heavy things but if JBB was crying, there was not much that I could do but pick him up and comfort him.

The point is, these things are all within my power to change. I don't know whether they will make the difference between success and failure but I am certainly going to try to get to the transfer as relaxed as possible this time. In addition, the bed rest will be just that, rest only. So, tomorrow, I am ending my 2011 by making the final preparations for the transfer. Basically, tomorrow is really my last day to do anything because I will be on strict bed rest until I leave for the airport on the 3rd at about 9pm.

Whilst it has been very nice resting here in Bangkok (though resting and Bangkok don't usually go together in a sentence) I am still completely focussed on why I am here and that is to get JBB a sibling or two (if we are really lucky!!!).

Project Relax

So, I have started on Project Relax and I have made a very good dent in it but firstly let me update you on my visit to the clinic. My lining is looking good at 7.6, the doctor was very pleased but my estrogen level was a little low so I have been given some patches along with the other handfuls of drugs that I am taking. Here is my list this time:

Progynova x 3 per day
Duphaston x 2 per day
Prednisolone x 2 per day
Chinese herbs x 2 per day
Clexane injection x 1 per day
Estrogen patches x 1 per week
HCG injection

Today was a pretty good day, I was able to focus totally on getting ready for the transfer. I had a great sleep last night and this morning, I got up and did my yoga and listened to my hypnosis a couple of times, then I went and found a place to have a massage, which was really nice. After I had some lunch, I called JourneyMan and JBB, who are having a great time!! I miss them both like crazy, plus of course my little doggie. In the afternoon, I read by the pool to get some vitamin d in and then saw a movie this evening. All in all a good day.

It is lonely though being here without my boys but that is a small price to pay of this works. I have travelled many times on my own in my earlier days and alwys enjoyed it but now that I have a family, it's way different, I feel like one foot is still at home with them. I have to focus though, this is the best gift I can give JBB and that is the gift of a sibling.

Hopefully we are one step closer to that today.

Arrived in Thailand - belated Merry Christmas!

So, it has been a super busy, absolutely crazy holiday season - so much so that I haven't had a chance to post.

Firstly, Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays everyone - I hope that you are having a happy and safe time!!!

I am in Bangkok at the clinic, waiting for the results of the blood test and I will have a scan soon. But first, let me tell you about Christmas and how I got here!

I finished work on Friday and then had plenty to keep my busy in the lead up to Christmas day on Sunday. I had to do food shopping, start cooking my maple syrup and apple cider braised pork belly that takes 8 hours to cook, finish Christmas shopping for my Mum (I go with my sister every year and we make sure our Mum gets a haul of pressies like she gives out to everyone else), get my hair cut and spend as many minutes as possible with JBB before I had to leave.

Speaking of JBB, he had been pretty cranky and he also decided that he was going to change his waking up time at this point back to 5am so that was a little added bonus for us. Let me just tell you 5am starts + late nights = one tired JourneyGirl!! Christmas eve was really nice. We went around to my mum and dad's to finish wrapping our present and to watch Carols by Candlelight. JourneyMan took JBB home to bed early and he was finishing putting his trike together. When I got home, we wrapped and organised JBB's present together - it was another of those moments I have always dreamed of. We have spoiled him rotten but it was worth it to see his face on Christmas morning. We had a lovely time opening presents as a family.

Also early on Christmas morning, I realised that I had turned the oven off on the pork belly on Christmas eve but forgot to put it in the fridge and it had been a really hot night. I couldn't risk making everyone sick so I had to throw it all out - very painful I tell you.

Christmas day continued and sure enough, the Melbourne weather delivered a crazy day - it was super hot and humid and then in the afternoon we had massive thunderstorms, with many suburbs having flash flooding and hail damage - it's been awhile since we had one of those Christmases. Our lunch with my family was lovely and then we went to JourneyMan's family for dinner and that was also great!! By the evening, JBB was absolutely exhausted (I don't mind telling you that I was as well!!) so we took him home and he went to bed a very happy but exhausted boy. It was a really lovely Christmas, it was all about family and that was the best!!

On Boxing day, we decided to spend a quiet day in rather than go out after the business of the day before. I had my last acupuncture session and then we had a nice walk with JBB. I spent as much time with him as I could though it seemed surreal that I was leaving for Thailand that night. We had a lovely story time and he went to bed early and we headed off to see my bestie before going to the airport.

At the airport, I found out that I hadn't brought the credit card that I book the ticket with and they wouldn't let me on the flight without it. I called JourneyMan in floods of tears and he very kindly raced home and back (we live about 45mins from the airport) - he got back in time and I was allowed on the flight but not before I berated myself hugely for being such an idiot - I remember reading that on the printout and then promptly forgot. JourneyMan was my saviour last night - he was so good and supportive, I honestly am extremely lucky to have him as my husband - he is wonderful. I also got some excellent text support from my bestie and my Mum.

So, that was why I couldn't do my normal post at the airport - as soon as I cleared immigration, they were boarding the flight. I was like a crazy woman going through the airport with streams of tears running down my face. I have done so many stupid things over the past month, mostly out of character things so I think that the exhaustion is really having an effect. Thankfully, the flight was a pretty good one and I slept alot of the time so I feel better this morning though I have gone straight from the airport to the hotel, had a quick bath and then walked to the clinic (the hotel I am in this time is closer to the clinic and it was a nice walk!!).

I hope that everything will be okay with the scan - I am looking forward to getting back to the hotel and really relaxing and getting focussed on this cycle and ensuring that I am as ready as possible on New Years Day.

I miss all my boys but hopefully, I will be able to get what we all want (except for maybe JourneyDog - I think the jury might be out for him) and bring home a sister or brother (or both!) for our darling JBB.

4 More Sleeps – what the?!?!

**Firstly, I want warn out there who is still struggling with IF that this post is pretty chipper and happy and talks about Christmas with our son - I know how hard it is at this time of the year to read posts like this one if you are in the midst of some turbulent times as many of my bloggy friends are, I won't be offended if you move onto another blog. My heart goes out to you all, you are brave, tough souls - I wish you all the best and hope that you are able to recover and deal with the holidays in whatever way and I will hope against hope that 2012 will be your year!**

Seriously, I am in a time warp – although work seems to be going very, very slow – the days are whizzing by and there are only 4 more days until I leave for Thailand and cycle 2.1 and Christmas is in there – holy cow, how is that even possible!?!?!

I still have quite a bit to do. I am working today and tomorrow and then I am cooking some slow braised pork (with maple syrup, apple cider and mustard – yum!!) for Christmas day at my Aunt’s place as well as a chocolate ripple cake (most Aussies will know what this is, a very simple ‘cake’ made of chocolate biscuits and cream that softens overnight to become cake like) and a Greek salad for JourneyMan’s Mum and Dad’s place. I tried to go as simply as possible with the cooking since I am working full time in the lead up to Christmas – last year I took on a bit too much.

On Saturday, I am also booked in to get my hair cut (it’s gotten so long now that it is annoying me and it also doesn’t look good so I am lopping it off, plus you are not supposed to have your hair coloured in the first trimester and I really hope that I am pregnant in the New Year) and then am meeting up with my sister and Dad (I think he is coming) to organise presents for my Mum. Pretty much all time is booked until Boxing Day and then I am flying out that night. I am hoping that I will be so tired that I will sleep the 9 hours on the way to Thailand!!

I was at the shops until 10pm last night and then wrapping presents until 12:30am. JBB woke up when I was going to bed and then I fell over and jarred my back after I had sat in with him for about 40mins – poor JourneyMan had to come to the rescue and then had the job of getting JBB back to sleep. JourneyMan is finished work though the lucky duck!! I had to really drag my arse out of bed this morning, I am really ready for work to be over!!

All that being said, I am really, really excited about Christmas this year and have finally found my Christmas spirit!! I have had a ball buying JBB and JourneyMan’s presents, I have really enjoyed it and I can’t wait until Christmas eve to put all of his pressies out then, of course, to see his face on Christmas morning and to watch him have fun all day.

On one hand I am looking forward to Thailand and the potential that it could create for us – a sibling for JBB, a complete family, no more IVF cycles, no more having to save money for cycles, no more invasive treatments, I can get treatment for my cramps. Even the short term benefits are very nice, as much sleep as possible, lots of rest and relaxation, plenty of time to get massages and read etc.

On the other hand there is the heart wrenching, gut churning thought of being away from my darling boys (JourneyMan, JBB and Journey Dog who has no wool anymore) for 8 longs days is a very scary reality to face. I am going to miss them like crazy and whilst the positives benefits far outweigh the drawbacks it feels like the drawbacks are way, way worse. Oh well, it is only 8 days, I will get through it!!

Fate - what do you think? (6 days to go!!)

I have been wondering about fate lately. When we brought JBB home from the hospital when he was sick, my mum made a comment to me of something like ‘thank God your last cycle didn’t work, the stress might have caused you to lose the baby’. When I told JourneyMan about this, he then commented that I also might have been feeling morning sickness and tired if I was pregnant and might not have been as vigilant with following up JBB’s symptoms.

I found this line of thought intriguing – is there a guiding force that determined that because JBB was destined to get sick, the cycle failed to allow me to tend to him without distraction? I guess this line of thinking is about fate and I don’t know whether I believe in fate or not. I have always had trouble believing in fate or a grand plan because sometimes it can seem so cruel – I mean, who determines the need to go through multiple cycle failures or pregnancy losses? Not to mention the other tragedies that befall so many in the world.

Does that mean that regardless of what I do, the outcome of this coming cycle is already determined? Being the control freak that I am, I feel uncomfortable with the lack of control over my own destiny that this implies (especially since I spend my time trying to influence my body with treatment after treatment!!). I have trouble grappling with the something is ‘meant to happen’ as well because doesn’t that mean that the heroin addict who gets accidentally pregnant and has a baby born addicted to drugs is ‘meant’ to happen, or that the hospital here terminating a healthy 32 week old foetus (I think it is a baby by this point for sure!!) was ‘meant’ to happen and that disturbs me mightily.

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it – I would welcome opinions from anyone else out there!!

Seven days to go people!!

Yes, the ticker is technically correct, it is really 8 days to go but because my flight is at 12:15am on 27 December, I really consider it Boxing Day night and thus it is only 7 more sleeps – especially because I will need to be at the airport at 9:15pm – or maybe a touch later as JourneyMan and I will be having a visit with my bestie on the way to the airport so that should be fun!! Can you believe it, this time next week, Christmas will be over and I will be enjoying my last day having fun and playing with my delightful boys. We have decided that will go to a wildlife reserve not far from our house on Boxing Day – JBB will be able to feed some of the native cockatoo’s there (though no doubt he will say ‘puppy!!’ as he calls all animals, even himself sometimes in the mirror’) and we can have lunch at the café. Later we are going to have a mock New Years Eve celebration as I will be away on New Years Eve and having the transfer on New Years Day. I am planning on us having a little dance party and a countdown to big kisses and hugs!!

The weekends seem to scream by in an instant and before I even have a chance to contemplate a post, it is all over and I am back at work again. That is where I am now and I am seriously counting down the days until I finish work, at this point it is really 4 days because today is half over and I am only working a half day on Friday – whoo hooo – it will be a great feeling to finish work!! JBB is in a complete and utter mess, routine-wise because he hasn’t really gotten back on track since he was sick and because I have been working full time – booooo. Last night he woke at 3:30am and was awake until 5am and so I have been awake since 3:30am, I am a bit headachy from the tiredness. It will be good to fully catch up on some sleep in Thailand though I am going to miss my boys terribly.

The good news is, I am very much in the Christmas spirit now and am sooooo looking forward to Christmas day with our darling boy and the whole family! I am a person that hates shopping but I have discovered a real love of shopping for JBB and JourneyMan this year, both of whom are going to be pretty spoilt!! I can’t wait to see their faces on Christmas morning!! This year, we are going over to my Mum and Dad’s place for a casual catch up on Christmas Eve and watch Carol’s by Candlelight and wrap our final presents. On Christmas morning, we will no doubt be up early with JBB and can’t wait to have pressie corner with him. Then we are back to my Mum and Dad’s to have present with them and my younger sister and her husband. Then we are over at my Aunty’s for lunch and then we go to JourneyMan’s parents to spend the afternoon and night with his family. It will be a full on day!!

We are go for Thailand 2.1!!!! 12 Days to go!!!

Well, I am hugely relieved today. My lining is thin as all get out so the Melbourne Fertility Specialist has given the go ahead for the cycle, I am very excited and feeling quite positive about it. I am also feeling much better than yesterday because I had a good night’s sleep last night!! I got to bed early and then JBB didn’t come in to bed about 3am and spared me the head butts, punches and kicks!! Just on JBB very quickly – he is improving more and more every day, which is a super relief!! He absolutely hates having his asprin every night but it is worth the tears if we can minimise any damage to his little heart.

So, now that I am officially going – I feel a whole new lease of energy (it also could be the good night sleep that I had!!), I have soooo much to do but I am happy to get it all done!! I am going to miss my boys terribly but hopefully this will be successful, I will carry the pregnancy well and then we are blessed with a new baby (or two!) to complete our family and then we will be finished with IF forever!!

Here are the pertinent dates for the Cycle:

14 December – Start taking Progynova 3 X Daily
14 December – Continue Clexane injections daily
27 December – Fly our to Thailand (leave just after midnight and get in at 5:40am Bangok time
27 December – Go to the clinic for lining check and blood tests
1 January – Transfer

JourneyMan and I have talked in length about the number of embryos that we are going to transfer and we have decided on 2. This is a little bit of a risk because of the unicornuate uterus and the risk of twins but when I spoke to my Fertility Specialist yesterday, though he doesn’t agree with putting 2 embryos back (in anyone, he is all about only one all the time) but he has always maintained that the good side of my uterus is not that much smaller than normal so he said he understands our decision as long as we are willing to accept the consequences of our actions. We have discussed it ad nauseum and if we do end up having twins, we will consider ourselves extremely blessed (no doubt crazy busy and tired but definitely blessed!!).

I am still full of emotions – fear of another failure, scared of missing my boys too much, guilt because it will be nice to have a break, excitement that we have a chance to complete our family and so many more.

Bubsicles – Mummy is coming to get you!!!

14 Days to go - So Tired of Being Tired.....

Surely there is a point in which you reach peak tiredness and regardless of what happens, you don’t get any more tired? I have just found out that is not the case. After the horror of the hospital, there hasn’t really been a chance to recover, life still goes on and JBB still wakes up at 6am every day. The house still needs to be cleaned, the clothes still need to be washed, the dinner still needs to be cooked and there is money to earn to pay for everything. So, I have remained tired beyond words. In addition, there has been so much to do in the lead up to Christmas (which, yay – I am actually starting to look forward to, I mean, JBB is going to have an absolute ball on Christmas day and we are spoiling him rotten of course – how could we not, he is precious!!) and with these two weeks of full time work, I seem to be getting more tired as time goes on. Last night, I didn’t get to bed until after midnight only to be woken again and again after 3am with kicks, punches and headbuts from JBB – bloody painful and a shock when you are falling asleep. So this morning, I woke up even more tired than I already was – something that I really did not think was possible. The light at the end of the tunnel for me (if all goes according to plan) I will be able to do some serious sleeping in Thailand if the cycle goes ahead.

Speaking of the cycle, I can’t help but wonder whether this ultra stressful lead up to the cycle will be detrimental to it? I wonder whether this is to do with the ‘just relax and it will happen’ comments that can’t help but seep into my consciousness but really, what matters more, being relaxed or having a good quality embryo? I mean how long is a piece of string? I think that my biggest annoyance with the whole IF process is that nothing is really concrete – there is no ‘secret recipe’ that is guaranteed to give 100% success and that really drives me crazy, no doubt it is why I drive myself crazy doing all of these treatments and such, because I am trying to control something that I have not one iota of control over. The one thing that I actually do have control over, my weight, has gotten completely out of control so I have to ask myself whether I have been focussing on the wrong thing - a very depressing thought. The good news for those exponents of the ‘relax and it will just happen method’ will be happy to know that I will have 5 days in Bangkok on my own where I will be doing nothing but relaxing (getting massages every day, reading, swimming and most importantly of all, sleeping 18 hours a day!!) so will that be enough to mitigate the stress of the last couple of months? How long does it take to recover from excessive tiredness, and does excessive tiredness affect success rates anyway?

I have found it very hard not knowing whether I am going to be able to go Thailand – it is hard to get myself ready and to push through all of the crap to realise that we are so lucky to even have the opportunity for me to go back, we have never had any bubsicles before, so it is a rare treat for us to not have to go through the whole shebang of a fresh donor cycle.

You know, what? I have felt lost these last couple of months. I have felt myself back drowning in the sea of IF but not really part of the IF camp either because we have been blessed with our darling boy JBB. The shock of JBB getting so seriously ill has really knocked me around and I find myself on the verge of tears all the time and I really don’t want to be around people because I am scared that they are going to say something that will have me sobbing – I just don’t want to be out in public sobbing. Now sitting at home watching a children’s show (for the Australians – it was High-5 – what the!??!) sobbing is a whole different animal, I seem to be able to do that fine.

I think that the biggest thing is that I just don’t have enough room in my body for all of the massive emotions that I am feeling, shock, relief, gratefulness, apprehension, worry, happiness, grief, excitement – you name it, it is going on here. Today, though for the first time in a while, I feel like I might be getting back to myself. Not so much that I should be let out on an unsuspecting public, mind but definitely, a little better.

14 Days to go - So Tired of Being Tired.....

Surely there is a point in which you reach peak tiredness and regardless of what happens, you don’t get any more tired? I have just found out that is not the case. After the horror of the hospital, there hasn’t really been a chance to recover, life still goes on and JBB still wakes up at 6am every day. The house still needs to be cleaned, the clothes still need to be washed, the dinner still needs to be cooked and there is money to earn to pay for everything. So, I have remained tired beyond words. In addition, there has been so much to do in the lead up to Christmas (which, yay – I am actually starting to look forward to, I mean, JBB is going to have an absolute ball on Christmas day and we are spoiling him rotten of course – how could we not, he is precious!!) and with these two weeks of full time work, I seem to be getting more tired as time goes on. Last night, I didn’t get to bed until after midnight only to be woken again and again after 3am with kicks, punches and headbuts from JBB – bloody painful and a shock when you are falling asleep. So this morning, I woke up even more tired than I already was – something that I really did not think was possible. The light at the end of the tunnel for me (if all goes according to plan) I will be able to do some serious sleeping in Thailand if the cycle goes ahead.

Speaking of the cycle, I can’t help but wonder whether this ultra stressful lead up to the cycle will be detrimental to it? I wonder whether this is to do with the ‘just relax and it will happen’ comments that can’t help but seep into my consciousness but really, what matters more, being relaxed or having a good quality embryo? I mean how long is a piece of string? I think that my biggest annoyance with the whole IF process is that nothing is really concrete – there is no ‘secret recipe’ that is guaranteed to give 100% success and that really drives me crazy, no doubt it is why I drive myself crazy doing all of these treatments and such, because I am trying to control something that I have not one iota of control over. The one thing that I actually do have control over, my weight, has gotten completely out of control so I have to ask myself whether I have been focussing on the wrong thing - a very depressing thought. I am also not cheered by the fact that

The good news for those exponents of the ‘relax and it will just happen method’ will be happy to know that I will have 5 days in Bangkok on my own where I will be doing nothing but relaxing (getting massages every day, reading, swimming and most importantly of all, sleeping 18 hours a day!!) so will that be enough to mitigate the stress of the last couple of months? How long does it take to recover from excessive tiredness, and does excessive tiredness affect success rates anyway?

I have found it very hard not knowing whether I am going to be able to go Thailand – it is hard to get myself ready and to push through all of the crap to realise that we are so lucky to even have the opportunity for me to go back, we have never had any bubsicles before, so it is a rare treat for us to not have to go through the whole shebang of a fresh donor cycle.

You know, what? I have felt lost these last couple of months. I have felt myself back drowning in the sea of IF but not really part of the IF camp either because we have been blessed with our darling boy JBB. The shock of JBB getting so seriously ill has really knocked me around and I find myself on the verge of tears all the time and I really don’t want to be around people because I am scared that they are going to say something that will have me sobbing – I just don’t want to be out in public sobbing. Now sitting at home watching a children’s show (for the Australians – it was High-5 – what the!??!) sobbing is a whole different animal, I seem to be able to do that fine.

I think that the biggest thing is that I just don’t have enough room in my body for all of the massive emotions that I am feeling, shock, relief, gratefulness, apprehension, worry, happiness, grief, excitement – you name it, it is going on here. Today, though for the first time in a while, I feel like I might be getting back to myself. Not so much that I should be let out on an unsuspecting public, mind but definitely, a little better.

Sweet Relief and the countdown begins….

On Friday, a miracle happened – JBB started to act like himself again!! I tell you the relief was palpable – I had been so worried!! I thought I was never going to see my sweet little boy come back to me but he sure has. That doesn’t mean that there are no after effects. He is still waking up screaming every night around midnight-1am and then he comes into our bed to sleep with us – I think he is having nightmares – that’s what it seems like though of course, he cannot tell me what is going on so that makes it a little tough.

So, where does that bring us now? Well, over the weekend, I had a big cook up and froze a whole raft of meals because I am working full time over the next couple of weeks. I was getting worried about leaving JBB for all of this time but I have called my mum a couple of times today and he is going very well apparently (doesn’t want to have a sleep but other than that, all good). He only has one day at day care this week, thankfully and the rest of the time he is with his Nanna’s so that is very helpful. The thought of his little heart being damaged is still keeping me up at night but surely you get to a point where you can’t get any more tired, right?

I feel like I am plodding through things at the moment because I have so much to do in the lead up to Christmas and then hopefully leaving for Thailand the following day. I am trying to be positive and indeed I feel that I am supposed to go to Thailand on this trip. Of course I feel guilty about leaving JBB, I broke down crying the other night at the thought of it. Still, I feel like I need to do everything possible to give my darling boy a sibling and I am very hopeful that this will work.

Speaking of crying, my emotions are totally haywire right now. I started crying the other day whilst watching a childrens program, they were singing a song about going to the beach - yeah, cos that makes everyone cry right? So, for that reason, I am definitely not going to go to my Christmas catch up with all of my girlfriends, I just don't think I could make it through the night without crying. Hopefully at some point my emotions will go back to normal but for the moment, me and my black cloud need to stay away from festivities.

I am still in waiting mode. I have the appointment with the Melbourne fertility specialist on Wednesday morning and I am hopeful that he will give the go ahead for Thailand. I am also going to use the time to talk to him again about the bad cramps and what could be making them worse - really just for my own sanity, I don't think that there is anything that he can do but what harm asking?

In an effort to buck myself up and start being positive, I am beginning the countdown (and you know how I loves me a countdown!!) - this time in two short weeks, I will be waiting in the airport to fly out to Thailand. My little cheeky man will be tucked up in bed, watched by his Nanna. I will miss him terribly but it will all be worth it if I can get him a little sister or brother!

What is going on?

I am at a loss as to what to write about at the moment, so I just thought I would start and see what happens.

Firstly, let me say that I am worried about JBB, he seems to have changed behaviour significantly since we got out of the hospital. He is having tantrums all the time and he just screams and screams if I am not with him. I have this week off work but the following two weeks I am working full time to cover for my friend who will not be at work, I feel horrible about leaving him but I have to get back to work. He also seems to be having nightmares, which is just heart breaking.

The plan is also for me to go to Thailand if we get the go ahead next week from the Melbourne fertility specialist. I will feel horrible leaving JBB but honestly, I would much prefer that JBB has the 24/7 Daddy time rather than getting farmed out to other people because JourneyMan would have to work. My period has pretty much continued lightly but steadily the whole time and now I am kind of thinking that this might be a good thing? God only knows, seriously but I will have more information next Wednesday.

I finally put the Christmas tree up today and my plans for a 'year of creating new traditions' has not really eventuated. I basically have to get all of my Christmas shopping finished off tomorrow because I will be working for the next couple of weeks. I also have a big plan for the next 2 weeks of treatments and such to get my body as ready as possible. There is a heap to do and only a little time to do it in.

Feelings wise, I am numb. After we checked out of the hospital, I heaved with sobs, mainly from relief, though I am still worried about the follow up tests that may show heart damage. I also broke down on Tuesday night when I realized that I would probably still be going to Thailand, the thought of leaving JBB sickens me. I can't talk to anyone either. I am supposed to go out to a Christmas dinner with all of my girl friends next week (it is tradition) but I don't want to talk about the failed cycle in Thailand, I don't want to talk about my sister's pregnancy, I don't want to talk about JBB being Ill and I don't want to talk about the upcoming cycle in Thailand, what does that leave? Football, nope, don't want to talk about that either.

I am very, very grateful that JBB is getting better but I feel all at sea right now. I am hoping that I will stop whinging soon and start to enjoy, Christmas, it used to be my favorite time of year.

JBB Update

JBB has Kawasaki disease but he has responded very well to treatment. We are home now and he is tucked up safe in his bed but this weekend has been the most harrowing of all of our lives. Saturday was absolutely horrible.

Thankfully, the fever has broken, his eyes are almost back to normal and the lump on his neck is reducing. He has had studies done on his heart but they are more of a baseline, he will need to be assessed again in 6-8 weeks as the heart damage can happen from now. Thankfully, the odds for that go from 30% of children affected getting heart defects to 3% if treated early, which he was.

I am absolutely exhausted and I am still very worried about our beautiful little miracle child but I am thankful that I followed up with the doctor, I am thankful that he sent us to the hospital, I am thankfully that the hospital recognized the symptoms straight away and I am thankful for the love, help and support that were showered on us over the weekend, we are one lucky family. Thank you all for your comments of support, I really appreciate it.

I will update further when I can, for the moment, I need my bed and about 1000 hours of sleep.

A Vigil

I'm sitting next to my beautiful, perfect JBB. He is asleep but not soundly, he is burning with fever and wakes every 15-20mins whimpering in pain. I soothe him back to sleep each time. I can't stop looking at him, touching him, singing to him, letting him know I'm here. He is not in his own bed but a cot at the Royal Children's hospital in Melbourne. I am waiting to hear if my darling boy has Kawasaki disease and if he does, when they will start treatment. It is an inflammation of the blood vessels in the arteries and in particular, the coronary arteries. If detected early, most children will make a full recovery but complications can include aneurysm and heart attacks (thankfully this is very rare), you can find out more information here:

http://kidshealth.org/parent/medical/heart/kawasaki.html

It is past midnight and after many days of broken sleep and crying with exhaustion this morning, I have never felt less like sleeping in my life. How did this happen? I am still in shock and disbelief and even as I read information about this disease, I cannot think of it in connection with my life loving, big hearted, cheeky son, it just cannot be possible.

It all began with a tired and cranky JBB on Sunday. He hadn't slept well at either of his sleeps (even the fact that he had two sleeps in a day was unusual as he had recently dropped his second sleep) and wasn't his usual sparkling self at the lunch for my Dad's birthday at my little sister's place. He was feverish on Monday morning when I dropped him off at my Mum's place but I had been expecting more teeth for awhile, so I just put it down to teething. That night, we had trouble getting him to sleep and he woke at around 3am and we brought him in to our bed for the remainder of the night. On Tuesday, JourneyMan's Mum was babysitting him and I felt uneasy all day, not because, I was worried about her care, I was simply worried. I called her during the day to check he was okay, I hadn't done that for months. JourneyMan's Mum said that he was miserable all day, had a fever, a bit of diarrhea and really, just wasn't himself. It took him a long time to go to sleep and he woke at 3am again and we brought him into our bed.

On Wednesday, I was home with him all day and he barely left my knee, I gave him paracetamol and he perked up a bit after that but in the afternoon, he was back on my lap whimpering and was roasting hot and when I took his temperature it was 38.9C / 102F under his arm. I called the 'nurse on call' service we have here in Australia and they reassured me that everything was okay, most likely just a tummy bug, they said to call back if he had any further symptoms. When JourneyMan got home, I noticed a lump on JBB's neck and a patch of red, I got JourneyMan to have a look and he said that he had seen it the night before. I was back on to the nurse on call, quick as a flash and once we went through the whole story and explained about the lump and redness, she suggested we should see the GP within 24 hours. I knew that I couldn't go to work on Thursday, I needed to look after my darling and in the morning, I called the doctors office and booked him in straight away.

Wednesday night was a disaster. He slept in our bed all night and clung to me like his life depended on it, all night, I couldn't move and didn't get much sleep, he woke numerous times during the night burning up. When he got up in the morning, he seemed worse than the day before and by about 10am, I noticed that one of his eyes was bloodshot. This gave me a real fright but I was comforted that I was going to see the doctor at about 11am. It wasn't my normal doctor because I can rarely get in to see her booking so late but I had seen her with JBB before so was okay about it. She pronounced that he had a bad throat infection and thought that the infection itself had caused the bloodshot eye and the rash that we had just found on his tummy. She prescribed some antibiotics because she was worried that the lump in his neck was caused by bacteria. She also suggested that I book in to see her the next day but that if he should improve dramatically overnight and if so, I could cancel the appointment in the morning.

Thursday night was worse than Wednesday. He clung to me all night once again and I woke at 4am with a start because he was hot, way hotter than I had felt him all week. I woke JourneyMan so we could give him some paracetamol and he wouldn't go back to sleep for more than an hour. I took him out to the lounge room to rock him back to sleep and sobbed. I sobbed because I was beyond exhausted but also because I knew then that something was wrong. JBB had had a fever now for 5 days and despite being sick quite a few times in the past 9 months, he didn't shake it off quickly like he had previously. We slept uneasily until JourneyMan got up at 6am.

When JBB got up in the morning, both of his eyes were now bloodshot and he also had the rash on his face. I sent a text off to my Mum, letting her know what was happening, I told her 'I am very worried'. The main worried thought in my head came from the fever, he had had them before and I expected it to have gone down overnight, not worsened. She called me back to see what time I was going back to the doctors (11:10am) and said that if I am really worried, I should just go up there, they will normally see you if you are really worried. I pottered around for awhile trying to get JBB to eat some brekky and comforting him and then made a snap decision. For most of the week, I hadn't trusted myself, I thought I was acting like an over protective, IF affected mother who runs off to the doctor at the drop of a hat. Finally, I realized that was a total load of crap and I packed JBB up really quickly and headed off to the doctors.

They were very nice and the nurse saw me straight away after I had explained what was going on. She immediately took his temp, listened to his chest, looked in his ears etc and then called the doctor to come and look at him. This was a different doctor, he is the one that owns the practice (my mum took us to see his dad when we were kids) and he did all of the observations again and then we talked about what to do. I was expecting him to send us off for some tests but he basically said that he wanted to write a note for him to go to the emergency department of a hospital. His thoughts were that he thought it was okay but because it was Friday, he wouldn't be able to get any answers the same day. He also said that he would prefer them to be angry at him for sending him in needlessly rather than missing something that got exponentially worse over the weekend. He said that he needed to be able to sleep that night. He also said that he had learnt over the years to trust a mothers intuition that something is wrong.

He talked to me about the hospitals that we could take him to and because we have private health care, we could take him anywhere. There was only one hospital that I was comfortable taking him to and that was the Royal Children's. I had to take him to the specialists, I didn't want him thrown out only to find out there there was a problem. I called JourneyMan on the way home from the doctors and we agreed he should stay at work, we thought we would sit around in emergency for hours, they would do some tests and then we would be sent home. I called my mum and asked if she wouldn't mind coming and she agreed. I packed up enough stuff for JBB for around 6-7 hours and picked up my mum and we drove in (about a 45min drive from our house). I told her we had to go through the coffee drive through because I was so tired, I needed a pick me up.

We got to the hospital and went through reception. The hospital had just moved on Wednesday to new premises and just the waiting area was impressive, there was a massive aquarium in there and JBB had a great watching the fish until we were called not 5 mins later to the triage nurse. The triage nurse did all of his obs and asked questions and then after around 10mins we were taken though to a bay. This is when I got scared because we walked past a massive waiting room full of people, I thought 'this is either contagious or dangerous'. After a while, the doctor came to see him and said that they thought it was Kawasaki disease but that there were a few tests needed. We had to find a way to get a urine sample, he sat on my knee with some waterproof paper and waited with a cup at the ready. In the meantime, he had an ECG. He finally started a wee and I was able to catch some for a sample, he did not get me at all!

After a big wait, the doctor came to put a shunt in for an IV and take some blood samples. This was the worst part of the day as they had to hold him down (thankfully, they had put some local anesthetic on his arms earlier) but he didn't like it and he was hysterically crying. I sang to him his favorite songs (dinosaur train, the froggy song, stand by me and you've got a friend). While they were still taking blood, JBB fell asleep, poor love was so tired. I called JourneyMan and he talked to his boss and came over to the hospital at about 4:30pm. JBB slept for quite awhile but my mum and I had not had anything to eat or drink since the coffee when we left home.

The doctors from the ward finally came to see us and said that he had 3.5 markers of Kawasaki disease, they begin treatment at 4 markers. We are still waiting for the blood tests to come back and that is where we stand now. Mum went home at around 7pm, JourneyMan went home and collected some things, brought them in and then went home again to sleep. Since then, it has just been JBB and I. It is now nearly 6am, JBB forced me to have a sleep with him at around 3am because he wouldn't go back to sleep unless I was holding him. The fever keeps on coming back and they have given him a couple of doses of paracetamol. I called the nurse in just before because his breathing had become quite labored, the doctor has assessed him and said he is just a bit congested in his nose, it was not his heart, thank goodness. Now I continue to wait to see what will happen next.

As a personal aside, this week has seen my period come full force and with it high octane cramps. I can still feel the cramps and the exhaustion but it is like it is in a person, sitting next to me, not me, my focus is totally on my boy. I can't believe this is happening. I am not religious but I am spiritual and I am praying, I am praying hard. I am pouring every ounce of love into every caress, every sweet nothing I whisper in his ear and every song I sing. One of the songs that I have sung to him since he was born is 'Stand by Me', I sing it to him to let him know that I will always be there for him. This morning, in the dark and lonely hours, it has become more of a plea to him to 'Stand by Me'.