I am still burning about a comment that one of the girls made to me when I picked up JBB from day care the other day. I had had a horrible day. I am still trying to find the best way to drive to and from work and the traffic on the way home was diabolical so I was late. Unfortunately, JBB was at the day care from 7am until 6:05pm. My nerves were frayed from the drive home knowing that I was eating in to my play time with JBB, with every passing minute I became more and more resentful of the time away from my darling boy. When I finally got there and saw him, my heart sang - the relief was amazing. It was short lived though, sadly - the girl said 'oh, here is the mother of the long lost baby'.
She might as well have punched me in the face, I was so shocked. Since then, I have run the gamut of emotions. Outrage that she could make such a judgement. Guilt that my little boy, the one that I went to hell and back to have, spent so long in day care, without me there to comfort and take care of him. Disappointment that my choices are so limited that if I want another baby, I have had to go back to work so soon. Anger at myself that some random woman's words could have such a profound effect on me.
I am hanging on a knife edge at the moment. I feel like if one small thing happens, I over-react hugely. I am really trying to hold it together as best as I possibly can. One agreement that I have made to myself is to make every moment with JBB count - no matter if it is when he is up in the middle of the night or he is giving me a cheeky smile when I get home, the time I have with him is precious.
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Aw - try not to take it personally. I am a teacher of 4-6 year olds and parents are often late to pick up their kids and unless they do it with great regularity, we don't mind a bit and quite understand the pressures. But I make jokes to the kids about mummy chatting too much on the way or taking a long time at the shops because they're choosing dinner - just a way to pass the time and reassure them if they are worriers. My own mother was one of the "late every day" variety and it must have driven my carers demented but it didn't do me any harm, and I recognise that had she not done her job, we would have missed out on a lot of good experiences. I will have to go back to work while my own wee donor baby is younger than I would have liked and while I feel guilty in some ways, we would be struggling to give him a good place to live etc if I didn't. Having mum there all the time is great, but so are food, clothes and heating ;-).
ReplyDeleteUgh, I can't imagine how hard this is for you. *hug* Even though you work, it doesn't mean he isn't well taken care of. He'll always know you're his mama and he loves you :) Hope you feel better soon.
ReplyDeleteOh that hurts. Oh that cuts deep, doesnt it? Naturally the clueless woman has no idea what she said. Those are the worst kind.
ReplyDeleteSchool sucks for the littlest ones. I hear you. I can only ask you to hold on. I found it to get MUCH better. In fact, I find myself worrying if I did have the opportunity to stay home with Toddlerina... would she be happy? They develop giant personalities at school.
Little man is in good care and comes home to the very best care. They tell us motherhood and guilt are one in the same; you are in a very vulnerable position right now. I promise, it does get better.
Oh sweetie. I don't think she meant to hurt your feelings. I am sure she would feel horrible if she knew. She was probably just teasing and had no idea how such a comment could affect you.
ReplyDeleteI have found that there is nothing in this world like Mother Guilt. We feel guilty about EVERYTHING that has to do with our children. Guilty that we don't spend enough time with them, don't buy them the right toys, have moments when we just need some alone time, etc. Days like you had only compound those feelings. I can totally relate to traffic making me angry because it keeps me from getting to my child. That is just the love of a mother. The beautiful thing is, we love our children that much. There are women in this world who would be perfectly okay with leaving their children there. They don't feel bad about it. Work is their repreive from their children. The thought makes me sad, yet grateful that my daughter was born to me and not them because I know she is so loved and always will be.
Give yourself the grace to realize with a new job, it is going to take time to get everything ironed out. Its very difficult at first, but it will get easier as you find your groove. Most of all, JBB knows how very much you love him.
Sending a very sympathetic hug your way.