I'm devastated..

My Mum called me the other night at 9:30pm and said that she was coming over to have a cup of tea. Immediately I was on my guard because she never comes over that late. The news was worse than I first thought. They have found a tumor in my Dad's lungs, it is the size of my fist.

I have been in shock since, I am also in shock, angry and bitter.

I am angry because last year, my Dad had pnuemonia and was in hospital where they took an x-ray of his lungs. The Oncologist looked at that x-ray compared with the one that he had during the week and was angry because the tumor was clearly visible 12 months ago. We have not had an official diagnosis as yet but we have pretty much been told that it is lung cancer. We have also heard that they probably won't be able to operate as it is too close to his heart.

The bitterness comes from the fact that my Dad was always the fittest Dad going around, he ran 9 marathons for crying out loud and whilst he smoked in his younger years, he hadn't since he was in his twenties. He has gone downhill in the last 5 years because of the hydracephallus and dementia but honestly, this is too much to bloody well take.

We won't get the official diagnosis and treatment plan until after Easter but I swing between great hope that he will be able to fight it but maybe I still can only see my fit, strong Dad from my childhood. I can't even write the negative thought, I just can't, it hurts too much.

I am reeling and I feel absolutely sick inside. I can't write anymore - I am too upset. It has been a frightfully hard few days and I don't think it is going to get easier any time soon.