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Tuesday, August 11, 2009

A Birthday, a long weekend away and an update on nothing!

So, it was my 38th birthday last Thursday. 38 – hmmm, in life terms I feel very young however in IF terms, I feel 138. Birthdays always make me reflective and over the last few days have I have been considering my past year. It has been a very successful year in many ways, I have lost a considerable amount of weight, started a new business, successfully completed my life coaching certificate, changed to part-time contract work with my current employer and bought a gorgeous fluffy dog (who is the most spoilt dog on earth let me tell you!). But (isn’t there always a but!), even though I feel successful, there is an equal measure of emptiness. Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for my life – I am SO lucky to have found JourneyMan, I have a fantastic family and wonderful group of friends but there is a corner of my heart that hurts with the want to hear a child call me ‘Mummy’ and my arms ache with the need hold them, protect them, love them, nurture them and watch them grow. Sometimes, I feel so full of maternal feelings that I think I might burst. It is at these time that our gorgeous woolly dog bears the brunt of these feelings, he gets hugged on a lot, I tell you!!

My birthday is also a time for me to think about my own Mum, whose birthday is the day after mine and my Mum’s mum (Nanna), whose birthday was the same day as my Mum’s – yep, there were almost 3 generations of us born on the one day, I was a bit quick off the mark is all. My Nanna died a couple of months before JourneyMan and I got married in 2006. I still miss her so much – we had really a special relationship. I also have a really special relationship with my own Mum, we get along really well and she is so supportive and helpful, she is just wonderful – I am really lucky to have her. Sometimes I get really frustrated with the IF journey because I know that in some way I will have children of my own, whether it is by donor eggs, surrogacy or adoption but my Mum isn’t getting any younger, I really want to be around for my children as long as possible – she is an amazing Nanna to the 5 grandchildren (and one Woolly dog) that she has and she has been so supportive of our journey, she is amazing! It has been hard on her too, I have leaned on her so many times and I know that all she wants to do is make things better but so many times she has been stuck to say something that will make me feel better – I tell her that there is nothing and her listening is enough. When I told her about the donor eggs in Thailand plan, she was fabulous – she is wonderfully supportive, I am very, very lucky.

JourneyMan and I went away for a long weekend (leaving on Wednesday after work and getting back Monday afternoon – nice!). Originally the holiday was booked to help pass the 2 week way of the last cycle but since the cycle was cancelled, it was a chance for us to rest and recuperate. The Thursday of my birthday was a lovely day, we spent most of it at the hot springs lolling around in the warm mineral spa whilst it was cold and rainy outside. We had a delicious lunch out and then a relaxing afternoon and night in front of the open fire. Most of the weekend was about reading, sitting in front of the fire and taking the dog for walks – though we did go to the chocolate factory where I had the best hot chocolate of my life, will be going back there!! The house (we call it a shack) we stayed at is an old gold miners cottage that is 110 years old and is practically falling down around our ears. My Mum and Dad are co-owners of it with my uncle and Aunty. It is in a beautiful (though very cold) part of the Victorian countryside and had the added bonus that we could take the dog with us. The dog had a wonderful time and tired himself out so much that he didn’t move off the couch when we got home yesterday afternoon!

I had an incident over the weekend that gave me pause. JourneyMan and I were discussing children and what we think that they will be good at (sporting wise) when they grow up. JourneyMan is an avid sprinter and is a member of the Victorian Athletics League which is a professional group of runners that have race meetings weekly from around October and culminates in the ‘richest foot race in Australia (the Stawell Gift) at Easter each year. JourneyMan hasn’t trained and raced for the past couple of seasons but we still go to watch the big race each Easter. I was always a pretty good sprint swimmer in my younger years and participated in a few fun triathlons in the past few years (before putting on a stack of weight after we got married and were doing IVF – thankfully most of that weight is gone again now!!) so we would always have playful arguments over whether our child would be a runner or a swimmer. I realised over the weekend that ‘my good swimmer’ genes would not be passed on to our child because of the donor egg issue. It is no big deal, I mean all I have to think is that I thankfully will not be passing on my other dodgy genes either (blood disorder & addictions are two that pop in to my mind) but I noted that I still had some grieving to do over not having my own genetic child.

So, an update on where we are at. Well, nowhere different really, just waiting for the haematologist appointment and willing a cancellation so that I can started getting organised to go to Thailand. Waiting again. Don’t we all just become waiting experts when we are on the IF journey? **Sigh** On the positive side of things, I am using that time to become as fit and healthy as possible. I have upped mine and JourneyMan’s vitamin regime and I went very well in my first week of training for the 10km (6.25 miles) run – I am building up very slowly but was surprised at how well the first week went. I am also back at Bikram Yoga this afternoon (also called hot yoga) for a 90min session before JourneyMan takes me off for a date tonight (it is one of my birthday presents, I don’t know where we are going). So, I have plenty to keep me occupied while I count down to 3 September when I see the haematologist though I do feel I need to start writing a list of things that need to be done before we go – yes, I do love a list!!

One thing that I have realised today is that my passport is not current! Gah – put that at the top of the list to get organised!!


Journey Girl

1 comment:

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