Okay, before I resume the story of IVF past, I have to talk about an incident that occurred yesterday. On my way to my car to go home from work, I realised that AF had not arrived – what?!?! I am extremely regular at 28 days each month so this was a bit of a shock, especially considering that I didn’t even feel like I was getting AF. Of course, one of the first things that jumps into my mind is that ‘I’m pregnant’ – this is quickly followed by ‘don’t be bloody ridiculous’ and a litany of reasons why I couldn’t be jumped into my head.
I ended up taking a pregnancy test but my feelings around the whole test were something to be believed – I am sure many of you can relate. I hate home pregnancy tests by now, absolutely HATE them. I know that it is not correct to say that you hate anything but let me tell you, I hate, hate, hate them. Not once have I gotten a positive result from one of those buggers, I have never seen two lines, I feel like they mock me. I know how stupid I sound, hating an inanimate object but honestly, I would so love to see a positive result – hopefully after our trip to Thailand later on this year.
Anyway, I took the test and of course it was negative but on the drive home, I spent my time wondering ‘what if’. It was a lovely trip home, thinking about seeing two lines on the test, building up our life with a new baby. Being able to get a new kitchen instead of spending our money on the donor cycle in Thailand, having a baby shower, making sure JourneyDog doesn’t feel left out – basically I built baby castles in the air and the problem with those stinking pregnancy tests are that they always smash those castles to dust.
Another thing that happened to me today was that I saw a friend at the gym who was taking her baby daughter to swimming lessons. I have pulled away from my friends of late, I know that it’s not a good thing and most of them are very supportive but sometimes it is just so hard to face them. Even today, just seeing my friend and chatting for a couple of minutes made me really sad. Sad for me because of what we have to do to realise our dream of having a family but sad for my friends too that I can’t seem to face them right now and I haven’t even been able to explain why – I hate myself alot of the time because of it. The last 2 years I have been pulling further and further away – I don’t want to end up having no friends just because they are in a different place than I am but it also hurts quite a bit to see them as well. I am really at a loss to know what to do right now and if any of you have any ideas, I would love to hear them.
I want to acknowledge all of the wonderful comments that I have received over the past week or so. My good friend Lifeslurper told me that I would be amazed by the support that I would receive from the blogging world and honestly, you all have blown me away – thank you SO much for taking the time to post your comments. I have a few messages to those who have left comments:
Aileen – thanks for reading along and wow, dog furniture – what a fabulous idea!!!
Lorza – gosh, thanks for the encouragement!! My best mate who I did the trek to Everest Base camp feel like it is unfinished business because we didn’t make it to the peak, we are planning to go back there in 2011 to complete it once and for all!! Oh and JourneyMan has been strutting around the place like a peacock that he got a comment on his post J
Parenthood for Me & Suraita – thanks for the welcome, you guys are SO lovely!
Summer – great to hear from a DE Mum – I have been reading through your blog, so insightful, I am loving it!
Miss Tori – Thank you so much for your comment – we did try some cycles without the Syneral (which I believe is the same as Lupron here in Australia), I had a couple of antagonist cycles and I did get to transfer on those cycles but they were BFN’s unfortunately.
Well, that’s it for tonight, I will be back soon with the next instalment of IVF past – I need something to pass the time – still 3 weeks until the appointment with the haematologist!
Cheers,
JourneyGirl
I ended up taking a pregnancy test but my feelings around the whole test were something to be believed – I am sure many of you can relate. I hate home pregnancy tests by now, absolutely HATE them. I know that it is not correct to say that you hate anything but let me tell you, I hate, hate, hate them. Not once have I gotten a positive result from one of those buggers, I have never seen two lines, I feel like they mock me. I know how stupid I sound, hating an inanimate object but honestly, I would so love to see a positive result – hopefully after our trip to Thailand later on this year.
Anyway, I took the test and of course it was negative but on the drive home, I spent my time wondering ‘what if’. It was a lovely trip home, thinking about seeing two lines on the test, building up our life with a new baby. Being able to get a new kitchen instead of spending our money on the donor cycle in Thailand, having a baby shower, making sure JourneyDog doesn’t feel left out – basically I built baby castles in the air and the problem with those stinking pregnancy tests are that they always smash those castles to dust.
Another thing that happened to me today was that I saw a friend at the gym who was taking her baby daughter to swimming lessons. I have pulled away from my friends of late, I know that it’s not a good thing and most of them are very supportive but sometimes it is just so hard to face them. Even today, just seeing my friend and chatting for a couple of minutes made me really sad. Sad for me because of what we have to do to realise our dream of having a family but sad for my friends too that I can’t seem to face them right now and I haven’t even been able to explain why – I hate myself alot of the time because of it. The last 2 years I have been pulling further and further away – I don’t want to end up having no friends just because they are in a different place than I am but it also hurts quite a bit to see them as well. I am really at a loss to know what to do right now and if any of you have any ideas, I would love to hear them.
I want to acknowledge all of the wonderful comments that I have received over the past week or so. My good friend Lifeslurper told me that I would be amazed by the support that I would receive from the blogging world and honestly, you all have blown me away – thank you SO much for taking the time to post your comments. I have a few messages to those who have left comments:
Aileen – thanks for reading along and wow, dog furniture – what a fabulous idea!!!
Lorza – gosh, thanks for the encouragement!! My best mate who I did the trek to Everest Base camp feel like it is unfinished business because we didn’t make it to the peak, we are planning to go back there in 2011 to complete it once and for all!! Oh and JourneyMan has been strutting around the place like a peacock that he got a comment on his post J
Parenthood for Me & Suraita – thanks for the welcome, you guys are SO lovely!
Summer – great to hear from a DE Mum – I have been reading through your blog, so insightful, I am loving it!
Miss Tori – Thank you so much for your comment – we did try some cycles without the Syneral (which I believe is the same as Lupron here in Australia), I had a couple of antagonist cycles and I did get to transfer on those cycles but they were BFN’s unfortunately.
Well, that’s it for tonight, I will be back soon with the next instalment of IVF past – I need something to pass the time – still 3 weeks until the appointment with the haematologist!
Cheers,
JourneyGirl
Posts
These waits for the next appointment (and the next, and the next) could be as torturous as those wicked HPTs. Blogging was sometimes the only thing that kept me sane during those waits!
ReplyDeleteLOL! Late AF's.....ain't it funny what the mind does to us? Last week I got up to Cycle Day 32...NO AF...which was kind of shocking considering my average is a 26 day cycle. But did that stop me from building my own 'baby castles' in the air? Nuh uh!!! Add the fact that injuries from a fall and the resulting persistant infection meant there was very little 'rumpy pumpy' at our house still didn't stop me! Yep, so I still dragged out the POAS and when the expected negative happened I launched straight into; "Bugger! Looks like its menopause!!!" LOL! It's all black or white in infertility torture land.
ReplyDelete'Told yer so!' re: blog support...it is great! And well my buddy, you happen to be so very interesting I for one won't be surprised when you become a total blogging sensation! Just remember those who knew you beforehand! LOL!