For the first time since my cancelled cycle, I have felt hope stirring within me again. I am generally a positive and hopeful person but the cycles have knocked me around a bit. It is nice to feel that bit closer to holding a baby in my arms – it is such a beautiful dream. Speaking of the cycles, we were talking previously about the journey to where we are right now.
After the first appointment with the specialist, we decided that we would go straight on to IVF rather than the vasectomy reversal, the main part of the decision was that we didn’t want to wait which we would have done after the reversal. We were in a very big hurry back then. I had to have all the usual tests first. Blood tests and then an ultrasound and then we were back at the fertility specialist again. I found out at that appointment that I had only one kidney. This was a bit of a shock because I would have thought that I would have had some knowledge of only one kidney before 35 years had passed!
The kidney issue meant more tests before we started the first cycle. After everything had been cleared and we had attended the info night, counselling (I would hardly call it counselling) and paid the exorbitant fees (though let me say that for the moment, IVF funding is pretty good in Australia – though in the last federal budget, it was revealed that much of the funding is being taken away). I started on the classic IVF long protocol minus the birth control pill because of my Factor IV Leiden. I was bursting full of hope and absolutely sure that I was going to get pregnant on the first go, after all – apart from the one kidney, I had no issues except that I was 35 right? Hmmm, well so we thought.
After the first ultrasound I received a call letting me know that the cycle was cancelled. I was absolutely shocked, I just couldn’t believe that it could even happen. I went home after work and cried for about an hour – sadly this was not the last cycle that ended in tears. Thank goodness that I had found a wonderful forum to express my shock, they were so supportive and wonderful – honestly, I would hate to think what would have happened if I didn’t have that outlet.
The disappointment doesn’t reduce even after 5 cycles, the shock does but the disappointment, no that sucker hangs around – unfortunately it is by product of hope and truly, I wouldn’t want to lose that. As I alluded to at the start of this post, the last cycle has only been over for around 10 days, cancelled as well (what do you know, 5 cycles with cancellations at the beginning and end – how zen) so the disappointment is still very fresh. I try not to wallow too much but sometimes, it gets the better of me. It is nice to have a new plan though. Still another hurdle to get over, I have to see the haematologist to make sure I can take the necessary drugs whilst flying. I was not able to get an appointment until 3 September – hopefully they will have a cancellation. I have also started training for a 10km run – I am using running as a stress release!
Till next time!