Okay, so going back to the past IVF story – well there is one thing that I forgot to tell you from before the first cycle. I had a little procedure where they put dye into my tubes to check that they are all open and this was where they found that I had an odd shaped uterus and one tube was either blocked or spasming. When I went back to the Fertility Specialist, he diagnosed a bi-cornuate uterus – where there is a problem in the formation of the uterus. Basically, he said that it looked like I had two uteruses that were connected down the middle with a thin vein of tissue. He advised that the main problems for me would happen when I got pregnant if the placenta attached to the vein of tissue down the middle and it would be unlikely that I would be able to deliver naturally because of the shape of the uterus, I would most likely have to have a c-section. JourneyMan like to say that I had a ‘two roomed house’ and what child wouldn’t want two bedrooms of their own!!
I remember feeling at the time that it seemed that I couldn’t go to the Fertility Specialist without finding out about some deformity that I had inside. It was quite a shock each time for me. I had spent most of my life thinking that the main issue with me having a baby was having no man to be the father! Then the main obstacle that we had was that JourneyMan had had a vasectomy. Then I found that I had a deformed uterus and that was our main problem. Then we found after the first cycle that I didn’t respond to the drugs so that became the main problem. I felt like I was in a boxing match and after each king hit I was able to drag myself up off the floor only to be king hit again. I know that it sounds melodramatic but it is a lot of information to take in over a pretty short period of time.
I sometimes wonder if those people are right and that couples are either ‘meant’ to have a child or not. With all of our problems, how can I not ponder that maybe we just weren’t ‘meant’ to have a child of my own. Most of the time I don’t believe that crap – I mean, are heroin addicts then ‘meant’ to have the babies that they carry? No, I have to think that there is no reason for this happening, that it was just a bit of bad luck and we are just as ‘meant’ to have children as anyone else. On my dark days I think it is punishment for the wrongs of my life, after all, I am a recovering alcoholic (7 years sober) so there is plenty to punish. I hope that’s not the case because I feel like I have paid for those wrongs and then some and doesn’t someone deserve a second chance anyway? Yes, better to think that it is a cruel twist of fate!!
Till next time!