This week, I have been thinking about my Dad a lot. I don't really know why but I think that it started on Wednesday when I took JBB to see his Nanna (my Mum) as she had been away for a week. As I was putting him in the car when I picked him up from daycare - I told him that we were going to see Nanna, he then asked 'Pop too?'. Over the next few days, I had a few periods of crying, crying because I miss my Dad, crying for the time that mine son could no longer spend with him - they had such special time together.
I couldn't stop thinking about 'Pop's Boy' - that's what my Dad called JBB. Every time he walked in the door, he said 'is that Pop's Boy? and JBB would go over to him, lean in and Dad would pat him on the head. I was always touched by their relationship, it made me so happy that they could spend time together. When I was in Thailand, my Mum called JourneyMan and JBB over to the house the morning that my Dad died, they spent time with him. It hurts me very much that I was not able to comfort my Dad when he was near the end, just for him to know that I was there, a touch on his cheek, to hold his hand. Moreso, it's upsetting that I didn't see the final interactions between JBB and my Dad, those are memories that I will never have.
Still all through the week, 'Pop's Boy' kept running through my head and I didn't understand why until I was having breakfast with my Mum and older sister yesterday. I realised that the precious baby that I am carrying is the first grandchild that my Dad will not see. He will not give him or her a nickname, he will not call out to them as they come running in the door. I absolutely know that I my Dad would be so happy that I am pregnant, I know that he wanted me to go to Thailand when I did. I am just sad, really sad that my kids will miss out on him being in their lives. I'm sad that he is no longer in mine.
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I can't imagine how hard it must be to be going through two such opposite things at the same time. The creation of life and the ending of it. My dad is older and lately I've seen signs in him that he's not quite himself anymore. I feel a little bit like the man I knew is slipping away and that breaks my heart. I worry that Bean won't remember him or that our future children won't really know him. Hubby's father passed away before we were able to have Bean and we think about that a lot. It's hard to imagine people who were such a huge part of your life not being a part of your children's. It feels like their missing such a big piece. But that person does live on in you and you'll create memories for them. Hang in there, I'm thinking of you!
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