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Tuesday, March 2, 2010

The Crushing Fear...

It has been a trying week. JourneyMan and I are fighting, which I absolutely hate and I am afraid, afraid, afraid. JourneyMan doesn’t seem to realize how serious sleep apnea is, he also has high blood pressure and is overweight – I am very scared for him at the moment but it doesn’t seem like he wants to do anything about it. It is so frustrating and I feel absolutely helpless. I am terribly afraid that he is going to die and leave me with the baby on my own, I am afraid that because I am not feeling particularly amorous that he is going want to find comfort elsewhere. I am worried that he does not want the family life but would rather be single that he hasn’t grown up enough to take responsibility for his child. I know in my heart that most of these fears are baseless but they are eating away at my equilibrium.

I am scared of myself as well, I mean after all just because I have wanted a child all this time does not mean that I will make a good mother – what if I stuff them up entirely? I am worried about taking the time off work – will we have enough money to live?

Generally I am a pretty brave person, I like to face up to my fears. So much so that on a trip to a theme park about 18 months ago, I went on a ride that I swore I would never go on again because it was so scary the first time – it was one of those giant drops where they count down and then drop you from about 10 stories high. It is not particularly the drop that I fear but the anticipation of it and sitting up 10 stories high with my feet dangling and the wind blowing the ride – very scary. I felt like I had to do it again just to prove to myself that I am not scared. I even want to go back to Nepal and climb up to the Kalar Patar peak that my bestie and I missed out on because I got altitude sickness.

At the moment though, I don’t feel brave – I feel like a meek, vulnerable pile of fearful crap. I don’t really feel like myself, I am constantly worried and feel like I am being crushed under the burden of fear.

I have had an awful couple of days at work as well. The project is frustrating the hell out of me but I have had some good news and that is that I will have work until I want to go on maternity leave and it has been approved by the CFO – whoo hoo!! I am really glad because I do like where I work (apart from the huge frustrations just now) but the people are fab (I told quite a few of them about JourneyBaby at the conference last week), they are hugely flexible with working conditions – as long as I am there for meetings, I can work from home the rest of the time and the work is interesting, challenging and generally fun. I realized that in June, I will have worked for the company for 5 years – a huge record for me.

I am sure that the pregnancy hormones aren’t helping with my constant state of fear but it is a pretty alien state of being for me – I am pretty uncomfortable though I am sure I will get over it soon.

In the meantime, I will quote one of my favourite sayings ‘this too shall pass’.


  1. I can't imagine how frustrating it is. Maybe your Hubby would consider talking to a general care doctor about his general issues, such as weight and blood pressure? I mean, he should make sure he's in the best of health before the baby is born. He's got two people to be healthy for now, not just one.

  2. Big hugs to you. Fear is an evil thing and the more you think about it the more your fear grows. If I get consumed with scary thoughts it usually helps to think of one at the time and rationally find a remedy or solution to that fear.

  3. Sending lots of *hugs* and support.

  4. Everyone has their off days or even weeks. Your hormones are crazy right now. In turn that is probably affecting DH's mood. Living with men can be difficult and challenging at times, but we love them. My DH is also a little overweight and has high blood pressure, etc. It's funny because you're worrying about him dying and leaving you with a child. I worry about my husband dying and leaving me all alone. That's my one motivating factor when it comes to DEs. It would be a part of DH. I would always be able to look at that child and see my husband.

    I've read your other posts but I didn't see why you decided to go to Thailand for DEs. I thought I'd read that you'd been there for a period of time in the past. Is it cheaper and better there? I was just curious. It's so expensive here in the states ($30,000). That's ultimately why we've not pursued it.


  5. Sweetie, a lot of your fear is coming from the extra surge of pregnancy hormones. It is all completely normal. I know it totally sucks, and knowing it is normal doesn't help when you're deep in the middle of it.

    Please give yourself some grace and realize that it is okay to be scared right now, but that at the base of it all, everything is fine and will be fine.

    I kind of feel bad for husbands when it comes to pregnancy hormones. They get the brunt of so much that doesn't belong to them. The good Lord knows mine sure did.

    Have you ever tried meditation? If not, I recommend it. I also recommend yoga. I think either of those would help you immensly, but especially the yoga because it gets you moving and gets your blood flowing. It is so relaxing after the workout and you feel so rejuvinated. At a bare minimun, you need to do something relaxing for you like a pedicure or just laying on the couch to watch a movie, all the while keeping an eye on moving past the unecessary stress.

    You're doing great and everything is fine. Your baby is just throwing your body for a hormonal loop.

    Loads of love!

  6. Just want to send you a few hugs, hoping that these fears are totally not justified. I have a feeling (although no first hand experience) that they may be the results of the hormones raging through your body. Hang in there, friend.

  7. By the way, has JM had a sleep study? My hubby had two and he finally agreed he needs to wear his CPAP. He also knows that he needs to lose weight. I'm hoping that he decides to get the band.

  8. Definately all normal pregnancy fears :-) This baby is going to change your whole life so who wouldn't be scared. I was actually surprised when I got a dose of the fears even though I am up to baby number 2. A lot of men tend to man up when the baby actually arrives - it is difficult for them during the pregnancy because they don't have the constant connection like we do.

    I find this time my fear is mainly labour based which is ridiculous because the hard stuff comes after that :-)

  9. Oh JourneyGirl, you poor thing. It sounds horrible and stressful. I would think that it's pretty common to have phases like this. I'm sure that eventually you two will work it out. At some point JourneyMan will feel able to have a discussion about his health and you can express your fears and concerns and he'll be receptive.
    In the meantime, I agree with banditblossom that many men seem ambivalent about the arrival of a baby but that once the baby arrives they go into full daddy-mode. I think sometimes we forget that pregnancy affects the blokes too, just in different ways. Maybe he's feeling insecure about how good a dad he'll be?
    I hope it gets better soon.

  10. dear Journeygirl - I'm so sorry about all your worries and scared feelings. I totally get that about the health worries- my DP has some really bad health issues but is at a place where it's a last priority after going to work and going to school and then with babies - who knows what it is going to be like.
    I think you are incredibly brave - and I really hope that Journeyguy hears you and gets his act together soon. As the pps say -I think with guys it doesn't really hit them until they actually see the baby!
    Hang in there, dear! Sorry I have been MIA!
    thinking of you:)