I am scared of myself as well, I mean after all just because I have wanted a child all this time does not mean that I will make a good mother – what if I stuff them up entirely? I am worried about taking the time off work – will we have enough money to live?
Generally I am a pretty brave person, I like to face up to my fears. So much so that on a trip to a theme park about 18 months ago, I went on a ride that I swore I would never go on again because it was so scary the first time – it was one of those giant drops where they count down and then drop you from about 10 stories high. It is not particularly the drop that I fear but the anticipation of it and sitting up 10 stories high with my feet dangling and the wind blowing the ride – very scary. I felt like I had to do it again just to prove to myself that I am not scared. I even want to go back to Nepal and climb up to the Kalar Patar peak that my bestie and I missed out on because I got altitude sickness.
At the moment though, I don’t feel brave – I feel like a meek, vulnerable pile of fearful crap. I don’t really feel like myself, I am constantly worried and feel like I am being crushed under the burden of fear.
I have had an awful couple of days at work as well. The project is frustrating the hell out of me but I have had some good news and that is that I will have work until I want to go on maternity leave and it has been approved by the CFO – whoo hoo!! I am really glad because I do like where I work (apart from the huge frustrations just now) but the people are fab (I told quite a few of them about JourneyBaby at the conference last week), they are hugely flexible with working conditions – as long as I am there for meetings, I can work from home the rest of the time and the work is interesting, challenging and generally fun. I realized that in June, I will have worked for the company for 5 years – a huge record for me.
I am sure that the pregnancy hormones aren’t helping with my constant state of fear but it is a pretty alien state of being for me – I am pretty uncomfortable though I am sure I will get over it soon.
In the meantime, I will quote one of my favourite sayings ‘this too shall pass’.